Finally moving on.

[johnnienaked]

So just a brief history. Dated a girl who i completely fell in love with for 9 months and we were going to be moving in last september and broke up 3 days before school started in the fall. I moved 300 km away to go to school in a different city and we have maintained contact ever since.

 

She was extremely promiscuous prior to our relationship. She had slept with what she claimed were 40 men before me and has admitted she slept with 10+ since we broke up ten months ago. She just turned 23 years old. This was always a huge issue, I never fully trusted her as she kept in touch with exes and even flirted heavily with one right in front of me one night when we were out.

 

I don't know if this is child-abuse regression or something else, but she is self-centred, inconsiderate, cold-hearted and committment-phobic. There were times when we were great together and she would open up and then others when she would just clam up and be completely distant. She would do things you cannot imagine. Stuff that no self-repsecting person would put up with (which I obv was nOT at the time) from a girlfriend, yet i did nonetheless.

 

 

Absolutely beautiful obviously though, and the reason she got away with so much (aside froom my obvious lack of BALLS and insecurity issues). not exactly prime girlfriend material.

 

Aside from her beauty, I really did LOVE her. All her past, everything faded away because she really is a sweet sweet girl with a lot of awesome qualities but with a lot of issues (sex, alcohol) that she readily admits. The reason I am so tied up about her is because aside from the inability to open up and the issues mentioned above, she is as close to someone I would consider marrying as I have ever met before (I'm 26, this is my third serious relationship. If she could just stop sleeping around, drinking, and fall totally in love with me I would marry her. And thats the problem is she cant and refuses to just let herself go. She always has to be reserved, she is afraid of being hurt, but in the process she hurts. Boy, does she hurt.

 

She felt similar to that about me too. She said I was perfect except for a couple of things, one being I refused to get married until I was done school in 4 years and I only want a maximum of 2 children (she wants at least 4). Also, the security issue since I am currently a student. Still, if she really loved me she would be able to deal with this stuff and I told her so.

 

At the beginning she was way more into me than i was and about halfway there was a huge power shift where I gave my heart and she almost retracted. People are odd. They only want what they can't have it seems. From that moment on it was me trying to get it back and I never did.

 

I tried breaking up with her a couple times during the 9 months but always gave her second chances. I realized she wasn't right if she couldn't give her whole heart and was treating me like above.

 

I don't think there was any cheating going on as we always had an extremely strong sexual connection but there was a time at the end where I suspected it. She always denied it.

 

Regardless, we hooked up again about 3 months ago and continued to see each other for 1 month (going back and forth) and everything was awesome again, until she ended it about 6 weeks ago, I am fairly certain it was because she slept with someone else and was feeling very guilty etc. I was devastated again.

 

Throughout the whole breakup period she kept me on a leash and would make intermittent contact followed by ignorance. Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Realized today that I just need to cut her off completely from me because my life is falling apart because of her. I used to be proactive, outgoing and driven and now I am afraid too even leave my apartment cause I am so insecure, feel like no one wants me, etc. I need to get my life back together and the only way is to remove her and any thought of getting back together with her from my mind.

 

 

 

So I wrote her this, and removed her from my facebook. The initial versi9on was three times as long but I felt a concise, mature and polite but DECISIVE letter was best. Please tell me what you think. P.S. I sent it already and feel much better.

 

 

Hey S,

 

I feel as though I have to write you this email in order to completely end the period of my life that has had you in it, as it will allow me some kind of closure.

 

I cannot continue to be in this relationship in any way. I cannot be friends with you and I don't want to hear from you. I don't want email, phone calls, or text messages and if I do get them I will not respond. As much as I want to sleep with you again, I cannot do that anymore for the sake of my health and well-being.

 

I totally forgive you for anything said and unsaid you have done to me in the past and I hope you do the same. Anything I have done to you was never meant to intentionally hurt you. I know the same is true for you. Fair enough. I forgive you. Forgive me.

 

So ya, good luck with everything. I hope all your dreams come true and you have a wonderful life. I know you will!

 

 

John

[D-Lish]

You're giving her too much credit while making too many excuses for her.

Basically- she has been mistreating you for sometime now- and what you need to do is tell her to f-off, not wish her well with a "you're a good person and I wish you well" speech.

 

She is everything you want in a wife "besides the sleeping around and alcohol abuse????" Repeat that back in your head a few times.

 

I think she is more likely a pretty girl with some sweet moments. When we love someone, we tend to cling to the sweet moments as if they actually encapsulate their entire character.... but that is a mistake.

 

I think you are clinging to the few good notions of who she is- and not recognizing the larger picture of who she really is at her core. Learn to embrace the flaws- as demonstrated by your description- there are many to choose from. When you begin to see her for what she really is- your love will have little to grasp onto.

[johnnienaked]

Like I said before, she didn't sleep around during the relationship. A lot of what you said is true though.

 

It was more mature to end it civilly than to tell her to f-off. She is a good person, not some drunken whore who treated me like crap and walked all over me. There were good times and I did love her, but maybe who she could be rather than who she really is.

 

Besides, ending it totally this way puts me levels above her.

[Template]

D-Lish is right. You are giving her waaay too much credit. I'm sure she had some good qualities, but let's be honest: Cheating? Alcohol Abuse? To most people these are HUGE character deficiencies. Unless you truly found those endearing, most people won't go out and say, "Here's my mate. She cheats on my and is an alcoholic." Yeeeaaah, not quite a source of pride there. I also think it's funny that while you never really trusted her, you considered her wife material. Just my opinion. Look, I'm glad you are able to move on, and if your letter is how you truly feel; that's great. However, you sound like a guy who suffers from "nice guy syndrome", and you need to take your masculinity back, and be confident to say, "Screw you, I'm better off without you"