Letting Go Someone you Still Love. Is it harder?

[9Lives]

I was just wondering who has had to let go someone that they were in love with?

 

It is one thing to break up with someone that you dont have a whole lot of feelings for but it is another to have to walk away from someone you wanted to spend your life with? How did you cope and move on?

 

I feel like sh/it. I do want him back on better terms.

[mollers]

I was just wondering who has had to let go someone that they were in love with?

 

It is one thing to break up with someone that you dont have a whole lot of feelings for but it is another to have to walk away from someone you wanted to spend your life with? How did you cope and move on?

 

I feel like sh/it. I do want him back on better terms.

 

Yes, that is what happened to me, and it was/still is hard, but it is getting easier. When he left me I would have given anything to try again, but he still chose to leave me, and in the end that is what gets you through it, i.e. if they could walk away, then the relationship is not what you thought it was, it was not for life.

 

Logic tells me that if he loved me like I loved him, then he would be here and we would be working it out. It is hard to take that I don't mean as much to him as he did to me, but the reverse of that is that it makes you a little angry, which gives you a little strength, and it grows each day.

 

Soon, after soul-searching and analysing and looking at the relationship objectively, you see that there were flaws, maybe really tiny ones, but they were there. And then you come to realise, as I did, that you have compromised yourself, and maybe the relationship wasn't that equal after all.

 

You say you want your ex back on better terms. I wanted my ex back on different terms, in my case, more equal terms, and he wasn't prepared to work at this. I'm not sure what your situation is, but if your ex wasn't prepared to work things out with you, and you did all you could, then you leave able to hold your head up high and you will soon come to see that it wasn't fair on you.

 

Yes, it still hurts, and yes I still feel love for him, but my respect has dwindled a tiny bit, and my own self-esteem is growing.

 

It is difficult to let them go when you love them still (and even now 6 weeks down the line I am amazed that I am writing this so objectively without tears running down my face, sometimes I feel a fraud), but it becomes that little bit easier when you work out that maybe be staying in the relationship, you might have been giving up a part of yourself.X

[northstar1]

I was just wondering who has had to let go someone that they were in love with?

 

It is one thing to break up with someone that you dont have a whole lot of feelings for but it is another to have to walk away from someone you wanted to spend your life with? How did you cope and move on?

 

I feel like sh/it. I do want him back on better terms.

 

Same here - in my case, we had to end things because of a LDR with an unknown end date, and the gulf between distance wise would not have even permitted meeting every so often to keep things going.

 

It was not a matter of us not loving each other , but rather circumstance and timing - which in my mind, makes parting and going our own ways that much harder because you cannot even rationalize that it didn't work out because of conflict or lack of affection etc.

[jon01]

Yes, that is what happened to me, and it was/still is hard, but it is getting easier. When he left me I would have given anything to try again, but he still chose to leave me, and in the end that is what gets you through it, i.e. if they could walk away, then the relationship is not what you thought it was, it was not for life.

 

Logic tells me that if he loved me like I loved him, then he would be here and we would be working it out. It is hard to take that I don't mean as much to him as he did to me, but the reverse of that is that it makes you a little angry, which gives you a little strength, and it grows each day.

 

Soon, after soul-searching and analysing and looking at the relationship objectively, you see that there were flaws, maybe really tiny ones, but they were there. And then you come to realise, as I did, that you have compromised yourself, and maybe the relationship wasn't that equal after all.

 

You say you want your ex back on better terms. I wanted my ex back on different terms, in my case, more equal terms, and he wasn't prepared to work at this. I'm not sure what your situation is, but if your ex wasn't prepared to work things out with you, and you did all you could, then you leave able to hold your head up high and you will soon come to see that it wasn't fair on you.

 

Yes, it still hurts, and yes I still feel love for him, but my respect has dwindled a tiny bit, and my own self-esteem is growing.

 

It is difficult to let them go when you love them still (and even now 6 weeks down the line I am amazed that I am writing this so objectively without tears running down my face, sometimes I feel a fraud), but it becomes that little bit easier when you work out that maybe be staying in the relationship, you might have been giving up a part of yourself.X

 

That was a GREAT post and advice. Thank you, it's helped me too.

[fran82]

for me its definitly been harder, because you've also got a whole big dollop of guilt added on top, just to grind you down even more! thats the hardest part for me!

 

i also ended my r/ship because it was an LDR with no end in sight. but also my ex who is only a few days older than but several years less in maturity, just refused to think about it. it became clearer that he wasnt ready (even after 4 years) so decided as no one ever gets any younger to take back the control of my life, and not have him waste anymore of my time. admitting that was the hardest thing in the entire world at that point. id cry night on end. sometimes i still do, i love him with all my soul. the one thing that i cant admin out loud is that i feel like im mourning for someone who has died, as it was a LDR, i wont bump into him! i feel like i have to try to force myself not think like that. i miss him so much, but i know i'll never see him again!

 

but there is one thing thats been a positive about the whole thing, im growing stronger everyday, from the time "i" decided, my choices and decisions have made me better and stronger each time. right down to silly things! but although my self-esteem has plummeted, my sense of self worth, is steady growing!

 

yes is big big time hard walking away from someone i love entirely, but sometimes it comes to a point were you simply have to look after no.1!

x

[9Lives]

Yes, that is what happened to me, and it was/still is hard, but it is getting easier. When he left me I would have given anything to try again, but he still chose to leave me, and in the end that is what gets you through it, i.e. if they could walk away, then the relationship is not what you thought it was, it was not for life.

 

Logic tells me that if he loved me like I loved him, then he would be here and we would be working it out. It is hard to take that I don't mean as much to him as he did to me, but the reverse of that is that it makes you a little angry, which gives you a little strength, and it grows each day.

 

Soon, after soul-searching and analysing and looking at the relationship objectively, you see that there were flaws, maybe really tiny ones, but they were there. And then you come to realise, as I did, that you have compromised yourself, and maybe the relationship wasn't that equal after all.

 

You say you want your ex back on better terms. I wanted my ex back on different terms, in my case, more equal terms, and he wasn't prepared to work at this. I'm not sure what your situation is, but if your ex wasn't prepared to work things out with you, and you did all you could, then you leave able to hold your head up high and you will soon come to see that it wasn't fair on you.

 

Yes, it still hurts, and yes I still feel love for him, but my respect has dwindled a tiny bit, and my own self-esteem is growing.

 

It is difficult to let them go when you love them still (and even now 6 weeks down the line I am amazed that I am writing this so objectively without tears running down my face, sometimes I feel a fraud), but it becomes that little bit easier when you work out that maybe be staying in the relationship, you might have been giving up a part of yourself.X

 

Wow! Thank you so much. It has only been a week. Yes I did everything I could to try to keep our relationship alive. Things were not equal and it started to take it toll. I may have even jumped to some conclusions but I can say that he did not give me the security of being his woman so I have to say that is what it was.

 

Yes I still cry and I am crying right now. I also have been praying cause it is very hard to let go and accept what reality is showing me. I trusted him so much and I thought we really wanted a life together. One of these day, I guess the pain will go away.

 

I am trying to get stronger. I dont contact him because I dont want to be rejected or set myself up for more hurt.

 

What hurts is that it seems like he is just moving along fine. I dont know that but that is what is in my head. We were together for 3 years. He was my happiness cause I loved being with him.

 

Anyway, I thank you and North Star for your support. I am trying. I really am. There is no pain like a broken heart. None can compare

[kizik]

Logic tells me that if he loved me like I loved him, then he would be here and we would be working it out. It is hard to take that I don't mean as much to him as he did to me, but the reverse of that is that it makes you a little angry, which gives you a little strength, and it grows each day.

 

I wanted my ex back on different terms, in my case, more equal terms, and he wasn't prepared to work at this. I'm not sure what your situation is, but if your ex wasn't prepared to work things out with you, and you did all you could, then you leave able to hold your head up high and you will soon come to see that it wasn't fair on you.

 

 

This is all very well-written, Mollers. You took the words out of my mouth. When the ex and I broke up, I said, "I'm not gonna try to hold on to us anymore. If you don't wanna be in this, fine." And she didn't try, she didn't care to change her emotionally abusive behavior. The fact is, as you said, she doesn't love me like I love her. And she has no respect for me.

 

When someone is picking at you EVERY time you talk, how CAN there be any respect there? She made it perfectly clear that she thinks I'm a sh*thead, or something. She just didn't have the guts to admit she fell out of love.

 

You're right that anger helps. I need to be angry every time I think of her smile, her kiss, etc. There are too many good memories. But there are more bad ones from the last year.

[mollers]

jon01, 9lives, kizik - thank you for your kind responses to my post. I am glad it has helped, if only in a small way. I write these things and sometimes can't believe I am writing them. I think, how am I coping when I loved him so much and have lost him?

 

I definitely see the world through different eyes right now. I gave him my all, maybe too much, I completely invested myself in him at the expense of my own needs. I do feel a stronger person without him strange as that sounds. I don't completely understand it yet but it is getting easier every day I think.

 

Good luck to everyone on here. I hope you are all improving day by day.X

[Mountie]

I had exactly half of my life tied up with my STBXW. I had no choice in the decision to end the relationship..........so yeah......it hurts real bad.

[hermit]

Yes... It's really difficult. I'm still in love with my ex who dumped me after 2 years together, almost 3 months ago now. I made all the effort that relationship and would have given even more if it had been possible, to make it work... But he never seemed to see a need to make an effort. He was never prepared to work on this relationship, and while i bled myself dry because of my love for him, he chose walking away over giving it a little effort, a single chance. Still i can't seem to accept this. I think of him every day and miss him so much... I dream of him loads, wonder why, and how this could ever happen. Being around other people drives me crazy because it just makes me miss him more and the connection we had... I can't stop thinking of him, i remember his smell and his voice and how we used to talk and laugh together. Just feel like i've lost half of myself, i love him so much...

[mollers]

Yes... It's really difficult. I'm still in love with my ex who dumped me after 2 years together, almost 3 months ago now. I made all the effort that relationship and would have given even more if it had been possible, to make it work... But he never seemed to see a need to make an effort. He was never prepared to work on this relationship, and while i bled myself dry because of my love for him, he chose walking away over giving it a little effort, a single chance. Still i can't seem to accept this. I think of him every day and miss him so much... I dream of him loads, wonder why, and how this could ever happen. Being around other people drives me crazy because it just makes me miss him more and the connection we had... I can't stop thinking of him, i remember his smell and his voice and how we used to talk and laugh together. Just feel like i've lost half of myself, i love him so much...

 

Hermit, your relationship sounds pretty much like mine and ended like mine. I can still remember his smell and his voice (I loved his voice), and I also feel like I have lost half of myself. However, back to my original post, how can someone who you love like this, and once loved you back in the same way, just walk away so easily?

 

It makes me wonder (about my own siutuation, not your's) whether I ever really meant to him what he meant to me? I almost feel betrayed, as if he was never really honest with me in the first place. If he loved me like he said/showed, then no way could he have walked away. This is what I hold in my head. I wasn't worth it, and so now, I have to see him as not worth it, or he has taken over my future as well as my past.

 

I feel so hard-faced writing this, because as I say, I do still love him and miss the way it used to be, I can't lie about that. However, he turned out not to be the person I thought he was. It hurts like hell but I'm getting stronger. I hope that you will too; I know you still love him so much but start by trying to identify the things your ex wouldn't compromise on and take it from there. Be totally honest no matter how hard it is. You will get there eventually.X

[soyou]

We had a year relationship with many ups and downs. We've all gone through.

 

I had a couple of boyfriends before him but he is the one I love the most and want to spend my life with. I've been all in for this relationship.

 

In the beginning, I tried to fool by myself by making excuses for him. I told myself that there is a huge cultural difference between us so I needed to be understanding and be patient.

 

80% of the time, never picked up my calls and only called me back after that one or two days. Many times I was in an emergency and really needed him to be with me, could not reach him.

 

Very often, disappeared for two or three days without calling me.

 

Never spent a whole day long with me, only a couple of hours a day and one or twice a week.

 

In the beginning, I tried so hard to be tolerant and understanding. I fooled myself that he was busy working and guys nowawdays need some air for their own as I do.

 

He did promise me that things would get better. He would appreciate if I could only be a bit more patient. He said his newly set-up company was in a big mess so as long as this mess worked out, he could have more time with me.

 

And I waited stupidly till a day I realized that he could never change.

 

His job and money are always prior than me. I am just an ass in the bottom of his list.

 

I decided to let go and to move on.

 

I broke up with him first. He claimed that he never thought of breaking up with me and he loved me so much. I asked him once again if he would change and our situation would get better. He kept silent. Painfully, I understood. If I wanted to go on with him, I had to live like this for the rest of my life

 

The day I broke up with him. I cried so hard for the entire day. Could not focus on doing anything.

 

And I am still crying out. It hurts me so bad inside.

 

Evenings and weekends when I have so much free time, it turns to be reallu bad b'cos I miss him, think abt him, ....

 

Sometimes, I was so weak that I wanted to call him and tell him that I wanted to come back and I would accept this situation to be just with him.

 

It happened last Sunday. Till now, it has been a week. I still dont feel any better.

 

Pain is still here, with me, right now.

[purplepoodle]

Yes and it hurts more then anything.

I loved him with all my heart and gave him everything, but he couldn't do the same so I had to leave. It was and still is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I still feel sick to my stomach and it's been 3 months!! He contacts me occasionally, but he is very cold now.

For some reason I just can;t find the strength to go NC, even though he is already engaged to someone else and they have a happy life together.

[melodicmaybe]

Yeah, it hurts like hell. We were together almost 4 years. But it was long distance and we just couldn't find a way to make it work. We both tried really hard. And it all ended last night.

 

I love him, and I know he loves me too. The sh|itty part is, we didn't break up because we didn't love each other anymore. We broke up because we're just at such different stages in our lives that we couldn't make it work, and that really, REALLY sucks.

 

How do you come to terms with letting that go? How do you deal with that empty space in your life where the other person used to be? How am I supposed to sleep at night without being able to hear his voice and talk about our day and hear him say I love you.

[Lizzie60]

I was just wondering who has had to let go someone that they were in love with?

 

It is one thing to break up with someone that you dont have a whole lot of feelings for but it is another to have to walk away from someone you wanted to spend your life with? How did you cope and move on?

 

I feel like sh/it. I do want him back on better terms.

 

I did.. once in my life.. my last ex.. we lived together for 5 years.. we were totally head over heels in love with each other.. he was 12 years younger.. he wanted to marry me on my 50th birthday to prove his love to me.. I never wanted to get married..

 

anyway.. that's not the reason why I left.. I left because I knew deep down that it wasn't going to last very long.. he was controlling (a very successful businessman, sometimes I felt I was one of his employee.., very possessive.. was going to get his 2 teens full time.. (that's when I decided I had to move on with my life)..

 

It was very hard for about a year and a half.. I was on a sex rampage at that time.. I eventually got over him..

 

He wanted to visit me after about a year.. but I was scared we would fall right back in love like crazy.. so I refused..

 

I finally got over him.. (as I say it took about 18 months).. we eventually got together.. had great sex.. we both knew we were totally over each other.. so it was 'safe' ... we've been seeing each other for a few years now.. we are best friends now.. he got married last year. We are both very happy now...

[hermit]

Hey thanks for your post, I'm so sorry you're going through this as well... I know what you mean, I would always forgive him for everything, let him do whatever he wanted... I'm beginning to think he might have loved me for a little while, but then it became more of a convenience, as most other women would probably not have put up with that kind of behavior (i.e always being right down on the list of priorities, not even having time for me on our anniversary, etc)... I put up with t because i love him and i just wanted him to be happy. Yep it really hurts to realize he really was never that bothered about me. Yep, i feel betrayed as well, and it's hard to not be really bitter about it... but it's good to know there are others out there who are going through the same thing. Good luck to you, all the best, hope things turn out ok for you! x

[northstar1]

Yeah, it hurts like hell. We were together almost 4 years. But it was long distance and we just couldn't find a way to make it work. We both tried really hard. And it all ended last night.

 

I love him, and I know he loves me too. The sh|itty part is, we didn't break up because we didn't love each other anymore. We broke up because we're just at such different stages in our lives that we couldn't make it work, and that really, REALLY sucks.

 

How do you come to terms with letting that go? How do you deal with that empty space in your life where the other person used to be? How am I supposed to sleep at night without being able to hear his voice and talk about our day and hear him say I love you.

 

I am going through the same thing - things ended because she moved away. I am still working on letting go - and you are right it's hard.

 

I guess it's all about just trying to move on with your own life. You are on two separate paths.

[allanDR]

I feel like my break up was the worst possible, but who knows. It was LDR for a few months and she cheated on me weeks before we were going to start living together. Had this not happened I really think I would have ended up marrying her. She was the one and i'm still completely in love. she still loves me too. she said she had to do it to be sure that I was the one and that she was going to committ herself to me when she came back forever, she just had doubts.

 

I still want to take her back and i plan on seeing her when she gets back and hopefully still remaining best friends, maybe spend a few happy weeks together to end it all, but i just dont see how it could ever work. I just feel like had i not found out she would have just cheated on me again. She says that she knows from the bottom of her heart that she will never, ever cheat on anyone again, but I still cant believe her. I sort of want to say, "lets see other people for a few years and if it was really meant to be, well end up together." I just dont know.

 

even though we both love each other and want to stay together, it cant happen. the relationship wasnt equal. she thought about other people while i didnt.

 

It's really tough...

[swes9321]

purple poodle- 3months and he is already engaged?!! what a jerk. this post is really inspirational for me to get over my ex. he ended what seemed to be a once in a lifetime thing which feels exactly like betrayal. this was my first relationship, so id never even thought about breaking up etc, but isnt it funny how everyone has a relationship story to tell. and SO many are so similar, and it seems like everyone's pain is the same, and relationships fall apart for the same reasons.. i am a psychology student, so its all very interesting to me. maybe we need to be taught how to survive breakups in school. maybe society should stop acting as though everything in life is replaceable, then maybe some of us would still be happy with our partners who gave us up in search of the "latest shiny new upgrade"... yes, i admit, im bitter and miserable

[Trialbyfire]

Yup, been there more than once and can do it again. I suck it up and move on. There's no reason to pine away for someone who isn't good for me and can't have a healthy, mature relationship.

[northstar1]

I feel like my break up was the worst possible, but who knows. It was LDR for a few months and she cheated on me weeks before we were going to start living together. Had this not happened I really think I would have ended up marrying her. She was the one and i'm still completely in love. she still loves me too. she said she had to do it to be sure that I was the one and that she was going to committ herself to me when she came back forever, she just had doubts.

 

I still want to take her back and i plan on seeing her when she gets back and hopefully still remaining best friends, maybe spend a few happy weeks together to end it all, but i just dont see how it could ever work. I just feel like had i not found out she would have just cheated on me again. She says that she knows from the bottom of her heart that she will never, ever cheat on anyone again, but I still cant believe her. I sort of want to say, "lets see other people for a few years and if it was really meant to be, well end up together." I just dont know.

 

even though we both love each other and want to stay together, it cant happen. the relationship wasnt equal. she thought about other people while i didnt.

 

It's really tough...

 

That's tough man, sorry to hear that.

I understand the part about wanting to be sure - but she should have had a talk about dating others or breaking up for a while - before sleeping with someone else. That is just a lack of respect - and personally, something I could not forgive.

 

There is no easy advice. Maybe after she is back a while (when is she back?) you can sit down and chat -but otherwise, I'd look out for yourself and move on your own path to happiness.

[allanDR]

That's tough man, sorry to hear that.

I understand the part about wanting to be sure - but she should have had a talk about dating others or breaking up for a while - before sleeping with someone else. That is just a lack of respect - and personally, something I could not forgive.

 

There is no easy advice. Maybe after she is back a while (when is she back?) you can sit down and chat -but otherwise, I'd look out for yourself and move on your own path to happiness.

 

shes back in 2 months. she decided not to come back yet because the thought of not being with me but living so close was crippling.

 

she actually told me she cheated on me and that it might happen again and that we should take a break, but we were supposed to see each other in 2 weeks. i wish i had just said "fine lets take a break" but i just felt devastated at the time. i said "keep sleeping with him and well see if im around when you get back" because i couldnt promise that i would be. she then said "if you told me it would be over, then id stop seeing him" so i said stop seeing him, or it's over. I then found out that she was still sleeping with him so i broke up with her.

 

i wish i had handled it differently and i wish she had too. shes now dating and living with this guy but says it isnt serious and wants to work things out when we see each other again. it also makes it worse that i know the guy.

 

I'm so incredibly torn. Part of me thinks that we could kind of start over and make it last, but at the same time, I can't help thinking that this would happen again. I know getting back together would be a huge mistake, but i'm tempted to make it anyway. i feel different every day. whenever she's gone i would always worry, and i never felt that way before. shes the sort of person who figures, he wont know so it wont hurt him, and that makes it ok. But I'm not like that.

[Karyyk]

Nothing hurts worse. You keep asking yourself what if, wondering what you could have done differently. Probably the hardest aspect of getting over it is that the love is still there, so you're tempted to hold onto hope, even when there realistically isn't any left. Part of you just wants to hold on, even when you know it's impossible. The future is fluid though...

[mollers]

maybe society should stop acting as though everything in life is replaceable, then maybe some of us would still be happy with our partners who gave us up in search of the "latest shiny new upgrade"... yes, i admit, im bitter and miserable

 

That's an interesting comment which really struck a chord with me; I do think that some people really don't want to have to work at a relationship. When the going gets tough, it's the easy way out to think that there is a relationship out there where you don't have to make any effort and where everything is perfect all the time. My ex and I never argued until the one disagreement that ended our relationship; it was hurtful to think he'd rather start all over again than work on what we had.

[Lookingforward]

Yes, I think it's harder because there's nothing to hang it on - the reason for the breakup - it just IS.

 

and his saying it was nothing I said or did, that it wasn't "me" means there was nothing I could have said or done to prevent it happening.......

 

I think you get more "stuck" when there was nothing wrong between you as a R, when the reason for the breakup was external....