Lost-and-Found Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 My boyfriend and I both have many friends of the opposite sex; some mutual some not. We trust each other fully when concerning our relations with the others however not the other way around [confusing you much???] ok well lets say bob* is me; my boyfriend trusts bob won’t cheat on him; however he doesn’t trust bob’s friend of the opposite sex to respect bob’s wishes – this applies for both of us. Both my boyfriend and myself, are best friends with members of the opposite sex also…however even though we’re closer to them, this doesn’t stop the jealously we have for the other. For instance my boyfriends best friend lets call her mia* has had it rough with her on and off boyfriend. They dated for 6 years; but he’s cheated on her 3 times; she stupidly forgave him only to have him do it a 4th time. I called up tom* at 8am the other day to find that he was at her house because she called him up at 1am crying earlier that morning; I know that this is what friends do but she quite frankly is annoying me…she needs friends at times like this but at 1am and when he lives 30mins away? Why couldn’t she wait until morning?...ahhh As for his jealousy of my bestfriend well; I just plain don’t get it. All he does that annoys him is drive me home from university. My boyfriend goes to a uni in Sydney so he CANNOT get me home…so I don’t get the jealousy? It’s just a lift and he’s a honest nice guy Is there anything we can do to turn down the jealousy meter? I mean this is getting to be rather frustrating because it’s not our lack of trust in each other; rather it’s our lack of trust towards the ones around us. In short I think we’re both overprotective... It’s so stupid, so I need to know if there’s an easy way to move past this because i love him so much and it would be so stupid to let something like this ruin our relationship * the name has been changed
imbewildered Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 My boyfriend and I both have many friends of the opposite sex; some mutual some not. We trust each other fully when concerning our relations with the others however not the other way around [confusing you much???] ok well lets say bob* is me; my boyfriend trusts bob won’t cheat on him; however he doesn’t trust bob’s friend of the opposite sex to respect bob’s wishes – this applies for both of us. I am lost after the first para.. your post is just is too confusing. YOU know your situation best . Why don't you rewrite your problem in clear language to enlighten us rather that confuse. Just sayin'
missdeathwish Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Basically, you're saying that you don't trust each other. Because really, you only need to trust one person in order for this situation to work. If you trust your boyfriend not to cheat, you don't need to trust "Mia." If she makes an overture, your boyfriend will say no way. If your boyfriend trusts you, he doesn't need to trust your male friends. I know how hard it is, especially when it seems like someone else is trying to move in on your territory, but you don't need to trust her. Just trust him. If the problem is that he's spending more time on Mia than you, mention it. Because, yeah, you're his girlfriend and you should be a priority in his life. But seriously... it sounds like you two do have trust issues with one another. Time for a chat.
sally4sara Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I think I got it.... More often than not when one partner says "I totally trust you, but I don't trust your friend Mia/Bob" it is a load of crap. Nothing Mia or Bob might try could cause anything except a rift in the friendship they have with you or your BF. Yes they would be showing your relationship disrespect, but that can be dealt with by ending the friendship. If you are still uneasy then it is because you don't trust your partner to end the friendship over the disrespect and therefore it still comes down to not trusting your partner. You don't have to trust your partner's friend because you are not in a relationship with them. Getting upset about Mia turning to your BF at 1am in the morning is more about personal boundaries. You want to count on your BF in a way that you feel is deeper than his friends can count on him. Her feeling like he is who she should look to in that way makes you feel like she thinks she is as important to him. This is still you worrying about how she respects the relationship while trying to not look at how he makes her feel like she is this important to him. To me, if it's 1am, your problem better involve body disposal or a need to hide from the authorities; I don't care what your gender is. So I can understand why you are upset. But it all still boils down to not trusting your partner to protect the relationship you share with them.
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