shockandawed Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Pheonix, You know I know your entire story very well and I want to help you any way I can, but I am so banging my head against the wall right now!!!! Like I said in an earlier post, he has been a "twisted little booger" since you met him. For the entire time, you have been coming here, distraught over his continual behavior. Can you honestly say that anything about his behavior has gotten even remotely better since that time? I seriously doubt it. The problem is, you, like any normal person, wants answers...heck, we all are trying to figure out what this guy is up to. Guess what, none of us will. He may be married, he may have two houses, he may just not be into you, who knows? One thing for certain, we probably aren't going to find out. Until you accept that, you will continue to hang on, hoping for an explanation, or even a sudden breakthrough, where he amazingly transforms into the man you dream him to be. You know, I can't imagine not returning any girls phone call, even someone who I have gone out casually with one time or so. Think about it, you two have been together a half of a year, all the crazy things he tells you and does when you are together, yet, he doesn't give you any sort of response for over a week? There is simply NO excuse for that type of behavior. He does not value your feelings or deem them as important as whatever he has going on right now. That is a basic personality trait of him and I can assure you it will never change. Everyone puts their best foot out there at the beginning. This is his best foot dear. I know you have put alot of energy and effort into this and walking away will make it all seem like a waste. It sucks, but the only waste is waiting around with this guy, it isn't going to change. You are smart, attractive, have a great job, and have great taste in music. You are way too good for this type of crap. Don't take a friend to Steely Dan, take a real man who will treat and appreciate you the way you desrve to be treated.
imbewildered Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 1st e-mail was at 5:30 today...second one was just now. Give him time to respond? Are you kidding me? It took him 9 days to respond to my two phone messages and one email. Maybe he is on death's door in the county hospital and he has been in a coma for 8 days and his priest is typing his replies to you on 12 yearold laptop with a dead battery ? That doesn't mean he is not a great guy does it ?
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Yes...I'm done with him. After my drunken spell last night, and much advise from you folks here on LS...I'm sending the Nutty Professor this email and calling it quits. Tell me what you think? Dear twisted little booger, For the life of me, I don't understand you. I tried not to crowd you. I tried not to stress you, but in doing so I have allowed you to stress me. I must admit, when we are together I enjoy those special moments and had hoped we could build something. I took all the sweet words you said to heart, words like: I love you I promise you 3 Ring in 18 months You make me feel 17 again I miss you already I'll prove to you how serious I am about moving this relationship forward. Those are just words. It's one's action that defines them. Your behavior tells another story. You disappear, then reappear, crazy excuses for not calling, not emailing, not IMing, never answering your phone or returning calls (how rude). You said you would not be interested in a FWB relationship, but that's exactly how you treat us. I am assuming you are seeing someone else, or not into me. Either way, honesty would have been the best approach. You are just too "odd" for me and I am moving on. I wish you all the best as you deal with your health issues and much success in your career pursuits.
shockandawed Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 PX, Don't send that yet. I am not sure I like the beginning about where you remind him of what he has said to you. For your sake, it's good for you to remind yourself how you got into this position, but I think you are simply making yourself still look like you are wanting him to respond and tell you that he meant all of that...which at that point, you forgive him and fall right back into this. Definitely leave the FWB out...looks like a hint. I favor a much more direct and final approach. I have some drive time this morning, I will try to think of something.
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 PX, Don't send that yet. I am not sure I like the beginning about where you remind him of what he has said to you. For your sake, it's good for you to remind yourself how you got into this position, but I think you are simply making yourself still look like you are wanting him to respond and tell you that he meant all of that...which at that point, you forgive him and fall right back into this. Definitely leave the FWB out...looks like a hint. I favor a much more direct and final approach. I have some drive time this morning, I will try to think of something. Thanks Shock...will revise...hopefully I can hold off hitting the send button until I hear from you. I'm a mess today:(
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 DON'T send it...Have fun writing all kinds of letters to him but do not hit the send button.
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 DON'T send it...Have fun writing all kinds of letters to him but do not hit the send button. you recommend I do nothing? why? isn't closure key?
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Yes but until you hear back from him, there's no point in sending him tons of emails telling him off. He is just going to delete them and not read them. Write the emails for you, to vent and get it out of your system, that's theraputic and yeah, helps you get closure. He is NOT going to give you closure...He isn't going to fully answer your questions, let alone care enough to sit and have an honest conversation with you.
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Just thought of this, since you don't know if he has a girlfriend, or is married, has another house somewhere else, you can ask a trusted friend, either male or female, to follow him. This is instead of hiring a PI. By knowing exactly what is going on, will it help you in the long run or make you feel worse? Will it help with closure, or only make you feel like wanting more information?
Art_Critic Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Don't send it.. this would be the third email sent and he hasn't replied to your first yet... Silence can be deafening.. Treat him to no more emails, calls, emails, texts or any smoke signals
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Most guys don't like drama in their own lives. Also, if you continue sending him negative emails, he will ignore them. It's a control thing. I wouldn't expect any response from him. If he does, he does. Having said all this, if you're the type of person who doesn't need a response but will feel better venting on the other person, I won't dissuade you. I suspect you're not this type of person though.
grogster Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Yes but until you hear back from him, there's no point in sending him tons of emails telling him off. He is just going to delete them and not read them. Write the emails for you, to vent and get it out of your system, that's theraputic and yeah, helps you get closure. He is NOT going to give you closure...He isn't going to fully answer your questions, let alone care enough to sit and have an honest conversation with you. That's very true: I've broken up with a number of women who then sent me multiple e-mails/letters regarding the ending. The e-mails I delete and the letters I throw out--without reading a single word. That may not be nice, fair or cool, but that's what many guys do. When a guy ends a relationship, the last thing he wants to hear is what an a-hole he is for crushing his GF's hopes, dreams, etc. He's not looking back; he's looking ahead. Why engage in painful reading about a past, failed relationship? To give the ex closure? He owes the ex no such duty. It's in everyone's interest to move on. And I mean everyone's
SugarKiss Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Hmmm...I don't get it. He feels comfortable enough around me to take a crap with the bathroom door open (sorry I had to go there), but not comfortable enough to have me around when he's sick? ewwww are you kidding, this guy has 0 respect for you!! why are you putting up with him?
SugarKiss Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I know he tries to play games with my head...Like whisper "I love you" in my ear, and when I ask him to repeat it because I didn't hear him...he says he didn't say anything. Games people play. wow!!!!! no it's not just "games people play" it is demented games sick and cynical people play. why do you stand to be with guy that treats you so poorly?
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 That's very true: I've broken up with a number of women who then sent me multiple e-mails/letters regarding the ending. The e-mails I delete and the letters I throw out--without reading a single word. That may not be nice, fair or cool, but that's what many guys do. When a guy ends a relationship, the last thing he wants to hear is what an a-hole he is for crushing his GF's hopes, dreams, etc. He's not looking back; he's looking ahead. Why engage in painful reading about a past, failed relationship? To give the ex closure? He owes the ex no such duty. It's in everyone's interest to move on. And I mean everyone's I know there is a possibility he will never even open the email and just delete it. I also know if he does read it, he most likely will never respond...I am accepting that. For my own piece of mind...I had to write what I wrote, and I had to send it. From this point on...I have deleted him from my thoughts. With a clear mind...I now can move on...I think my final draft was straight to the point...but not mean in anyway... As Zicke pointed out...you want your final toughts to end with class and dignity for your own sake. After my drunken tirade last night...I needed to do this...I'm so done waiting for him to respond and get back to me. I'm also backing all of this up by seeing a therapist today.
2sunny Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 no reason to contact or approach him for any of it... the only thing it make make you look is desperate. just vent here instead. if you need closure then do what WWIU suggested and find out the truth to his actions because something just doesn't add up. have him followed or something. then you can rest easy knowing what the truth is and what a shmuck he is/was for not being upfront with you.
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 My apologies to the OP but it always makes me laugh when people state that they should end a relationship with dignity and class. There's nothing dignified and classy about a relationship ending, when it's not something you personally want. Where the concept of dignity and class plays a positive role, is that you're conceptually elevating yourself above the other person, therefore assauging your ego. Technically speaking, it works in reverse for the other person. Dignity and class makes it easier for them.
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I'm going to expand on my cynical theory of relationship endings. Primary focus should be on you. Who gives a crap about what the other person thinks about you? It's manipulative games. You have to learn to recognize what you're doing and why you're doing it. When you end a relationship with "dignity and class", you in effect are allowing someone else to control your actions, in that you still care about what they think about you. Take back that control. What should matter to you is how you're capable of coping and to what level you want to take it. The end game is indifference. Recognize your emotions for what they are. Realize that he treated you like crap and continues to do so. Realize that you don't want to go there again and the rest will drive your actions. Hope that makes sense.
zicke Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 By mentioning dignity, I meant for yourself. Who cares what the dumper is doing. By maintaining your dignity when a relationship ends, you can one day look back and not cringe over your behavior. Ending with hostility and desperation will keep someone in "just dumped" mode much longer. If one can maintain their own dignity after being dumped, it is much easier to move on as you don't have all those embarrassing moments to cringe on and reflect over and over again. That's what I meant.
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 By mentioning dignity, I meant for yourself. Who cares what the dumper is doing. By maintaining your dignity when a relationship ends, you can one day look back and not cringe over your behavior. Ending with hostility and desperation will keep someone in "just dumped" mode much longer. If one can maintain their own dignity after being dumped, it is much easier to move on as you don't have all those embarrassing moments to cringe on and reflect over and over again. That's what I meant. Screw dignity. Screw all this personal bashing. Be who you are but know who you are. No more playing denial games with yourself. Effectively shut down the connection and know what's healthy for you. There's no shame in hurt and pain.
2sunny Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 There's no shame in hurt and pain. only shame in how a person responds to it... better to be happy about what we didn't do that embarrasses us instead of what we did do... thus... NC may be a good tool right now.
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 By mentioning dignity, I meant for yourself. Who cares what the dumper is doing. By maintaining your dignity when a relationship ends, you can one day look back and not cringe over your behavior. Ending with hostility and desperation will keep someone in "just dumped" mode much longer. If one can maintain their own dignity after being dumped, it is much easier to move on as you don't have all those embarrassing moments to cringe on and reflect over and over again. That's what I meant. Oh I see. Maybe I got it all wrong last night...again blaming it on the wine. Anyway...he just responded to me email...record time for him...I have not open it and will not. Just do what you guys do...delete! I don't care what he has to say now. I expressed my feelings, seeing a therapist today, moving on and YES...going to the Steely Dan concert!!!!!! Rock on:D
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 only shame in how a person responds to it... better to be happy about what we didn't do that embarrasses us instead of what we did do... thus... NC may be a good tool right now. Nah, there's no shame in any of it because shame is caused not by what you perceive within yourself but how you perceive the other person sees you, which ultimately, you could give a **** about. Whatever your path, just ensure you have no regrets. Having said that, there's personal pride in strength, controlling yourself and finally, indifference. Yes, NC is the perfect tool, as long as it's used to move on, and not more manipulation. It's how I see this "dignity and class" working. When you make it easier on the other party, you also make it easier for them to approach you again and start the entire negative cycle all over again.
Gawdess Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I don't know why I found that so funny... Probably because your boyfriend is doing the "fade" with you, and you can relate.
shockandawed Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Hang strong, You said your final piece and got it off of your chest. There is nothing in his response that can be beneficial to you. If he is apologetic, you will wonder if it is just a game to keep you hanging around. If it is anything else, it will strictly hurt you. Here is my suggestion since I am reasonably sure you won't be able to just delete it. Send it to a friend. They can keep it and down the road, when the emotions have subsided and if your curiosity is still there, then you can learn the contents. Right now, you need room to get over him and move on. Please avoid any contact with him whatsoever. Look at him like an addiction you can't control. You need some detox time to get over it.
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