Phoenix11 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Long story short...seeing this guy for 6 months..don't see each other much...however get together we have a great time. Last time we saw each other was a week and a half ago. Made tenative plans to go to concert later this month...waiting for him to confirm. In the past week and a half I sent him an e-mail, and left 2 phone messages to sure up plans as tickets sell quickly...then today I get this. Is this a breaking up with me softly e-mail....especially the last sentence? Hey there, Sorry for not getting in touch sooner....I have been having some health issues and visiting one fracking specialist after another. I have an appt on the 25th for one thing and I will most likely have another appt on the 27th to have a procedure that I am not looking forward to.... If you can find another friend to go see S. Dan...please do. I don't want to hold you back.
Jilly Bean Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Pho - I think this is more of the same that it has been for the entire time you have known him. He considers you VERY much a VERY distant priority in his life, which is why he puts in so little effort towards you and this dynamic. You continue to do all the work, and he continues to treat you like an afterthought. I wouldn't say he's "breaking up" with you, but I also don't see how you were ever "together" to begin with. I think he's saying he doesn't plan on attending the concert with you, however...
imbewildered Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Long story short...seeing this guy for 6 months..don't see each other much...however get together we have a great time. Last time we saw each other was a week and a half ago. Made tenative plans to go to concert later this month...waiting for him to confirm. In the past week and a half I sent him an e-mail, and left 2 phone messages to sure up plans as tickets sell quickly...then today I get this. Is this a breaking up with me softly e-mail....especially the last sentence? Hey there, Sorry for not getting in touch sooner....I have been having some health issues and visiting one fracking specialist after another. I have an appt on the 25th for one thing and I will most likely have another appt on the 27th to have a procedure that I am not looking forward to.... If you can find another friend to go see S. Dan...please do. I don't want to hold you back. This email is from someone who is acting like an oldfashioned male. HE is obviously ill in some way and is telling you openly about that.Good so far. MY opinion is that he is drawing back into his cave - guys do this when they are ill .I do exactly that. WE do not want our SO to see us when we are "broken" and we do not want to recruit you as a partner in our suffering. WE want to go away and heal in private with NO fussing from womenfolk. That is how some of us are. Give him some time to deal with his health issues and go on with your life. It is NOT true that a guy who is into you will climb over broken glass, and it is easy to misinterpret his thoughts and motives here. Be cool and just accept that what will be, will be.
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 This email is from someone who is acting like an oldfashioned male. HE is obviously ill in some way and is telling you openly about that.Good so far. MY opinion is that he is drawing back into his cave - guys do this when they are ill .I do exactly that. WE do not want our SO to see us when we are "broken" and we do not want to recruit you as a partner in our suffering. WE want to go away and heal in private with NO fussing from womenfolk. That is how some of us are. Give him some time to deal with his health issues and go on with your life. It is NOT true that a guy who is into you will climb over broken glass, and it is easy to misinterpret his thoughts and motives here. Be cool and just accept that what will be, will be. OK...thank you for your male point of view. He is very hard to read. I however would not had made the statment "If you can find another friend to go see S. Dan...please do. I don't want to hold you back." That seems to imply go out with another guy if you want to because I don't care!
refurb Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I assume you had plans? To see Steely Dan? (just kidding)? Anyways, it sounds like he can't make it but he doesn't want to ruin it for you. Of course, I don't know your history, but based on that email alone, I'd say no, he isn't breaking up with you. RF
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 He hasn't broken up with you, if anything he's being honest about what's going on in his life and doesn't want you to feel disappointed or let down by him. I wouldn't take it as "It's over", but more like "I have ALOT going on in my life and sadly, I need to focus on me and my health.." SO, with that being said, keep intouch with him, send afew emails to cheer him up, offer to help - Meaning if he needs you to go food shopping or cook a meal and drop it off for him, etc..BUT, don't offer to hang out with him - Let him know that too.
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 "If you can find another friend to go see S. Dan...please do. I don't want to hold you back." That seems to imply go out with another guy if you want to because I don't care! Not at all. He is telling you to find someone else to go to the concert with you (He didn't say MALE) he said another friend. Don't read into what he is telling you. Most men won't hold back IF they have something to say. He just needs to put himself first and from the sounds of it, he's abit freaked out about his health and the procedures that he has to do. Don't go looking for hidden messages that aren't there. to have a procedure that I am not looking forward to.... Many men do NOT like Dr's let alone medical procedures. Be sympathic and give him the benefit of doubt.
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 I assume you had plans? To see Steely Dan? (just kidding)? Anyways, it sounds like he can't make it but he doesn't want to ruin it for you. Of course, I don't know your history, but based on that email alone, I'd say no, he isn't breaking up with you. RF Yes...to see Steely Dan. Classic stuff there...don't give me that barf look...just kidding..to each their own. I dunno...I rearrange my schedule to be with him, and would gladly forego the concert to stay home with him and nurse him back to health. I had hoped he would want me around in a time of need.
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Pho - I think this is more of the same that it has been for the entire time you have known him. He considers you VERY much a VERY distant priority in his life, which is why he puts in so little effort towards you and this dynamic. You continue to do all the work, and he continues to treat you like an afterthought. I wouldn't say he's "breaking up" with you, but I also don't see how you were ever "together" to begin with. I think he's saying he doesn't plan on attending the concert with you, however... Gotcha...I just allowed myself to fall hard for this guy dispike all the red flags. I guess if he treated me like the Queen of the Nile I would not be interested in him. It is hard work to keep him engaged and I never know exactly where I stand.
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I dunno...I rearrange my schedule to be with him, and would gladly forego the concert to stay home with him and nurse him back to health. I had hoped he would want me around in a time of need. Go to the concert. Take a woman friend or a family member with you. You can offer that, but I doubt he'll take you up on that offer. Even my husband doesn't like me hanging around when he isn't feeling well, let alone after a procedure. Offer to make afew meals and drop it off and then tell him if he needs ANYTHING to please call you.
zicke Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 he's not breaking up with you, but from what I've read, it seems like this is status quo for you two. Don't you want someone who wants to be with you? Is excited to see you? Yes, we all get ill, and men do most times concentrate on one thing at a time..but if it is never you...well. There you go. How much are you willing to compromise yourself in order to be his "girlfriend"? Do you want to be wanted, or are you ok with table scraps. Some people are, I was for awhile, no longer, but, I was OK with it superficially. Not really, but that's what helped me sleep at night. Because he certainly wasn't.
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Go to the concert. Take a woman friend or a family member with you. You can offer that, but I doubt he'll take you up on that offer. Even my husband doesn't like me hanging around when he isn't feeling well, let alone after a procedure. Offer to make afew meals and drop it off and then tell him if he needs ANYTHING to please call you. Hmmm...I don't get it. He feels comfortable enough around me to take a crap with the bathroom door open (sorry I had to go there), but not comfortable enough to have me around when he's sick? Anyway...I think your idea was good...I will offer to help anyway I can while he is dealing with his illness, and leave it at that.
Art_Critic Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 You have been seeing him for 6 months and he sends such a text... he is most likely seeing someone else.. oh.. I think he also has friendzoned you.. he mentioned that if you could find another friend to go with.. that means you are just a friend to him.. Of course I seem to be the only poster who thinks he is seeing someone else to feel free to ignore my post
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Hmmm...I don't get it. He feels comfortable enough around me to take a crap with the bathroom door open (sorry I had to go there), but not comfortable enough to have me around when he's sick? Anyway...I think your idea was good...I will offer to help anyway I can while he is dealing with his illness, and leave it at that. My hubby craps infront of me if I'm in the bathroom too, that means nothing. As soon as he's sick or feeling unwell, I know to leave him alone. I bring him tea, toast, fruit, whatever and walk away... Do you know what is wrong with him? As in, what kind of procedure he's having, or is this all the info you have, the message that he sent you? Play it by ear, if he is OK with you dropping off food, then maybe ask him if it's okay for you drop by and check IN on him, see if he needs a cuddle or a backscratch. Just don't be upset or take it the wrong way if he says no.
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 You have been seeing him for 6 months and he sends such a text... he is most likely seeing someone else.. oh.. I think he also has friendzoned you.. he mentioned that if you could find another friend to go with.. that means you are just a friend to him.. Of course I seem to be the only poster who thinks he is seeing someone else to feel free to ignore my post Good point. He did use the phrase "another friend", and he never answered the phone when I called those 2 times. Just went into voicemail. Never phoned me back, but only sent me an email to decline concert. Should I call him out on this and ask if we should stop seeing each other or if he is seeing someone else?
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Of course I seem to be the only poster who thinks he is seeing someone else to feel free to ignore my post Why do you feel he is seeing someone else? Because they don't see eachother that often? I guess it is a possibility. Time will tell, especially if she offers to come by and bring him meals.
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Should I call him out on this and ask if we should stop seeing each other or if he is seeing someone else? Don't do it now, especially since he is having health issues and a procedure done that he's scared about. Don't assume the worst quite yet. Can I ask, I take it you two have had sex? Because if he IS seeing someone else, you deserve to know.
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 My hubby craps infront of me if I'm in the bathroom too, that means nothing. As soon as he's sick or feeling unwell, I know to leave him alone. I bring him tea, toast, fruit, whatever and walk away... Do you know what is wrong with him? As in, what kind of procedure he's having, or is this all the info you have, the message that he sent you? Play it by ear, if he is OK with you dropping off food, then maybe ask him if it's okay for you drop by and check IN on him, see if he needs a cuddle or a backscratch. Just don't be upset or take it the wrong way if he says no. Yes, he did tell me what procedure he was having...I just deleted it from his email when I posted it here. Dunno...I know I over analyze things...I've been told this on many ocassions, however my perception of situations and events are also always on target. I'm beginning to agree with Art Critic, I think he is seeing someone else. Especially with the procedure he is having done...he will need someone to pick him up afterwards....if not me, then who???
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Don't do it now, especially since he is having health issues and a procedure done that he's scared about. Don't assume the worst quite yet. Can I ask, I take it you two have had sex? Because if he IS seeing someone else, you deserve to know. Sex..yes...amazing....he says I make him feel 17 years old again...(hehehe..had to share)
Art_Critic Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I know I over analyze things... Then wait it out some till he has the procedure... although that is 2 weeks away.. can you not meet up with him before then ?.. I mean.. you have been seeing him for 6 months, you should at the very least be on the level where you know what is going on in each others lives... I guess that is why I think he is seeing someone.. he seems to keep you at a distance further than a normal guy would do after 6 months
zicke Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 OMG! He ignored two of your phonecalls? NO do not call him again! Seriously, lose his number. Let me tell you something. I am kinda "dating" a guy right now. I didn't answer two phone calls from him, but instead emailed him the next day telling him some excuse. Know why? Because I am not that interested in him. There is NOTHING wrong with him, in fact, he is quite attractive, smart and funny. But, it just ain't there for me right now. Nothing he did. Just where I am at right now. Yes, I feel like a heel. I also just got out of a long term engagement relationship. Essentially, not ready. This guy, don't know his recent relationship status. But, I do know that when I don't pick up the phone when a man I am kinda, sorta seeing, I am not interested in him for the long run. With my ex, if I were limbless I would have found a way to answer the phone.
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 ...he will need someone to pick him up afterwards....if not me, then who??? Ok, well, why not ask him? Or offer to pick him up? Atleast he if does say no, that's been covered, then you'll know something is "off". Wait afew weeks and THEN ask him who picked him up and ask if he is seeing someone. Timing isn't right to confront/ask him about if he IS seeing someone else.
zicke Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Ok, well, why not ask him? Or offer to pick him up? Atleast he if does say no, that's been covered, then you'll know something is "off". Wait afew weeks and THEN ask him who picked him up and ask if he is seeing someone. Timing isn't right to confront/ask him about if he IS seeing someone else. Why wait a few weeks? For what? Unless he makes massive improvement in is behavior in the next week, I would write him off. Maybe 2 weeks at most. But anything more and he is doing the "fade". Know your boundaries.
imbewildered Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I dunno...I rearrange my schedule to be with him, and would gladly forego the concert to stay home with him and nurse him back to health. I had hoped he would want me around in a time of need. He does not want you to "nurse" him and he does not want you around "in time of need " -he wants to do whatever he has to do in PRIVATE. THis is a fundamental difference between men and women. Women NEED others in times of physical or emotional "need" ,but men retreat and shut themselves away. You just need to accept this difference because you cannot change it . I gather that your relationship is not a regular LTR more like a long distance relationship with the lower level of connection that geography always brings. Just be patient and do not read into his email statements that he is not making . Good luck with this .
Author Phoenix11 Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 He's absolutely not withdrawing into "his cave" for crying out loud. Guys don't suddenly become disinterested in a girl as the result of being physically ill. What part of "I don't want to hold you back" do you not understand? The guy is quite obviously letting you know that you are a non-priority for him. Not a low priority, a non-priority. He clearly knows that you like him more than he likes you, and he definitely realizes that he could easily exploit his advantage, but instead he's trying to be a stand-up guy by giving you fair warning. If you're not looking to get hurt more than you are now, you'd be well advised to heed that warning. When a man explicitly encourages you to take someone else on a date that the two of you had originally planned together, it's time to move on. Anything else, and you are literally begging to be used. And that, I am for your sake sorry to say, is the true lowdown on the typical male pov. Ouch...Double, Triple Ouch. OK...I sent him an email to cover all of my points of concern. I basically offered my "nurse" services to him during his illness and flat out asked if we should stop seeing each other because I can not read him based on his email. I would have hoped if he is indeed seeing someone else, he would have the balls to tell me so. I know I would tell him straight up if I was seeing someone else..gently...there would be no guessing.
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