I did something terrible..

[horriblewoman]

Hello All,

 

I just needed to share something. I did something horrible to a person I care very much about. I haven't eaten in 4 days, I can barely sleep. I am in the middle of a breakdown. Before I continue- please know I am fully aware of the extent of what I did- I do not need to be told any different.

 

What I want to know is wether or not I can be forgiven..

 

So, this is what happened. I had met someone on the internet that intended to meet me as did I intend to meet him. I've been struggling with a weight problem due to medical issues for the last few years. I was extremely insecure and dishonest with him about it. I didn't show him pictures that weren't mine or anything like that, I just lied about it. I was never caught- I finally came clean. I care so much for this person, I had been wanting to come clean for a very very long time but I didn't gain the courage to do it until recently. I haven't lied about anything else, I jut hid the weight because I felt loved and accepted for who I was as a person, as selfish and immature as I know I have been and the horrible reprucissions KNOWING how I hurt someone I care so much for is devestating. I have learned my lesson, believe me.

 

We had a great relationship all else wise- I know I did a stupid and lousy and immature thing, but believe it or not I have a good heart and I am a good girl. I know that must be so hard to believe coming from someone who did what I did. I did a very very wrong and horrible act, but I know myself and my heart; I know I am not a terrible person. I just want to know if you think this can be salvaged- I know it will take time and work and believe me I will put in any amount of effort and wait any amount of time, do any action to regain his trust and work on restoring our relationship. There is nothing I would not do, I know there are plenty of people who will not understand how you can click and bond with a person you have yet to meet, but we have. As I said I've been honest about all else wise- our values match up, we want the same things out of life, we make eachother laugh, we do thoughtful sweet things for one another, we can talk about any subject, we are on similiar levels of intelligence, etc etc etc. I just want a chance to meet him in person, I want to know what your thoughts are..

 

Thanks

[quankanne]

it depends on several things, IMO:

 

• what type of person he is – understanding or unyielding;

• how honest you are when explaining that because you have weight issues, you were uncomfortable to bring up, but didn't know how to approach the truth without losing his friendship, which you've come to value;

• whether you plan to apologize/seek forgiveness. Saying I'm sorry is one thing; asking for forgiveness definitely puts the ball in the other person's court.

 

I honestly can't blame you for your lapse of judgment, because we heavy people usually get the short end of the stick when people choose not to get to know them better, no matter how incredibly cool or fun or nice or attractive we are. But if you really respect this person, be honest with him even if the embarassment of your lies hurts you more than it hurts him.

 

because if he's as decent a person as I hope he is, forgiveness is not out of the question, though you may have to work at earning his trust again.

 

good luck and keep us posted, okay?

 

XXX

quank

[frd150]

First off,

 

Please do not be so hard on yourself,your not horrible. People on here have done way worse and have been forgiven for it.

 

when you came clean how did he react?

 

I think in this case you just need to be honest about why you did what you did and share your insecureties with him. If he truly cares he wil move past it and if he does youve got yourself a keeper. A little extra weight does not make you any less a person, remember that.

[horriblewoman]

I feel so terrible, thanks for your replies! To answer your questions, I kept wanting to tell him with words but that was just more little white lies over the last few days, so I did the only thing that couldn't tell a lie. I went on the cam and showed him everything. He told me it wasn't my weight that caused him to pull out, it was the fact that I hadn't told him sooner. He told me I had no idea how much he loved me and how much pain he was in .

 

He told me he felt I had been dishonest about the weight, I had told him I was 40 pounds overweight when it was more than that ; he said he hoped he was wrong about my dishonesty. He wasn't . So, I made him a video- I explained the whole truth, how long I'd been lying, what I'd been lying about. I told him he was free to speak with any of my friends or family to confirm anything that I had told him was the complete truth. I came completely clean and I told him about all the feelings I was going through. I also told him I wanted a second chance if he could ever forgive me, I told him I would wait as long as he wanted and do whatever it takes- WHICH I WILL. I really just poured my heart out.

 

I care about this man so much, I know I lied and screwed up but I love him. I told him also how I'd been telling lies in an attempt to get to the truth this past week- I told him I didn't want to lie to him anymore and I don't. I have come full circle with my actions. I know that I could of lied more and maybe bettered my chances but I didn't want to do that, IF this wonderful man will give me another chance, I want to start over based on honestly only. I have really learned my lesson here. I have thought about what I've done and wether or not I would forgive this man ; the answer is unabashedly YES. I have been in situations in relationships in the past where I was willing to forgive a lot of crap so long as the person was honest with me about it ; when I knew they wouldn't fess up to what they had done is when I knew there was no use. We would just be re-building on lies again. This man means the world to me, I don't want us starting over on lies.

 

I know in my heart that I am a good woman, I have a lot of great qualities and a lot to offer, I did something stupid that I feel horrible in ways not able to be expressed by words alone..but I also did what it took to "set it right". Easier said than done. Especially when I figured I'd just drove the nail on the coffin by telling him all the things I'd lied about in reference to the weight. If this is the man for me, he's going to forgive me. That is what I've decided. I'm not saying it will be easy and everything will jsut be A okay, but like I said- I am willing to work for as long as it takes, to get that second chance with him.

 

I have not heard anything from him, but He HAS viewed that video about 19-20 times, so I know he's thinking about things, I think?

[Lizzie60]

A lot of people lie on the Internet.. but IMO you should have told him a looong time ago.. anyway.. it's done.. nothing can change that...

 

BUT

 

why can't you take control of your life and lose some weight.. and don't tell me you can't because everyone can lose weight...

 

If you have a heartbreak then this might make you lose weight...

 

My advice now: leave him alone... you were dishonest about yourself.. now let him take his decision, don't contact him.. if he wants you he'll be back.

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is see what happens, give him time to think. I don't believe what you did was absolutely AWFUL. You had your reasons, yes it was a mistake, you waited a long time to tell him... Let's hope he recognizes how bad you feel and gives you another chance.

 

If this is the man for me, he's going to forgive me. That is what I've decided.

Very wise words. IF he doesn't contact you again or does contact you and tell you it's over, it just means that he wasn't the right man for you.

[horriblewoman]

Yeah,

 

I did what I could do. I am not going to make any further attempts to call or email him. I put the truth out there, and I do know in my heart, if he can't forgive me that as great as everything was it trully wasn't the right one for me.

[whichwayisup]

I know it hurts, but you've got the right attitude to have on this. Don't beat upon yourself either. HIS loss if he can't look past this.

[horriblewoman]

I know it hurts, but you've got the right attitude to have on this. Don't beat upon yourself either. HIS loss if he can't look past this.

 

Thankyou for your support . I know you're right. I screwed up, but he has too and I've forgiven him, that is just the way it is, people make mistakes but I know that if you really do love a person, how can you not overlook their mistakes and be willing to forgive.

 

I think that's a solid truth, I have done some thinking about the people I really love in my life, and I have forgiven them even in cases of horrible horrible offense, because I love them. I'm going to just stop stressing about it and let time work on our wounds.

[Template]

Hey hw, what really pains me about reading your post, as a fellow big person, is clearly your insecurities about yourself. I, like many of us, know the pain of being judged of our exterior appearance. Especially growing up, we tend to try harder to please others because we try to compensate for their judgmental opinions of us. This only damages us in that we don't truly learn to love ourselves for who we are. It shows within our personalities whether we know it or not. If this guy really cares for you, he'll accept you for whom you are, assuming everything else you'be told him about you is the truth. If he doesn't, screw him. Deep rooted personality issues cannot be changed, your weight on physical outlook can. Do you really want to be with a man that shallow?

 

Also, remember, right now you are probably feeling "If I lose weight, I'll have a better chance"; let me offer this one piece of advice. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself (meaning you want to be healthier, you want to feel bettter about yourself, or you want to be more active, etc.). Do NOT do it because you want others to accept you at a lesser weight. You will not be happy, and will just put yourelf through misery.

[D-Lish]

I think it's important not to view this as a big loss- precisely because you have never met him in person.

 

I can attest to the fact that it isn't weird to "click" with someone you meet from online dating- but values and like personalities can only take you so far. Until you take the next step- which is meeting in person... it's impossible to tell whether or not you would actually have chemistry in real life.

 

I don't think what you did was horrible- I think it's understandable.

No one wants to be judged on appearance alone.

 

Just keep in mind that you have created an idea of who he is- just as much as he has. He now needs to come to terms with this new information.

 

I had been talking to someone via msn for two years before I actually met him in person. We had incredible online chemistry... and I was excited to meet him to see. When I finally met him after he returned from travelling.... I didn't feel a thing for him romantically. I had constructed this idea of him from chatting with him- and he wasn't the same person I'd thought he'd be when I actually met up with him.

 

Just keep in mind that you might have found the same with your guy.

There is a difference between the "idea" and the "person" when it comes to a physical meeting. You don't know if he has been lying to you either...

 

You're going to be okay. Give him space- let him wrap his head around this new information. If he doesn't want to continue chatting, then you have learned something from this experience.

[horriblewoman]

Hey hw, what really pains me about reading your post, as a fellow big person, is clearly your insecurities about yourself. I, like many of us, know the pain of being judged of our exterior appearance. Especially growing up, we tend to try harder to please others because we try to compensate for their judgmental opinions of us. This only damages us in that we don't truly learn to love ourselves for who we are. It shows within our personalities whether we know it or not. If this guy really cares for you, he'll accept you for whom you are, assuming everything else you'be told him about you is the truth. If he doesn't, screw him. Deep rooted personality issues cannot be changed, your weight on physical outlook can. Do you really want to be with a man that shallow?

 

Also, remember, right now you are probably feeling "If I lose weight, I'll have a better chance"; let me offer this one piece of advice. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself (meaning you want to be healthier, you want to feel bettter about yourself, or you want to be more active, etc.). Do NOT do it because you want others to accept you at a lesser weight. You will not be happy, and will just put yourelf through misery.

 

I agree with what you said, for what it's worth... I have been trying to lose weight (for the people asking why I dont). I had something medical wise going on before that has recently been resolved. But I do excersize daily and I have completely changed my eating. I also quit drinking soda altogether. THis is something I am though, doing for me. I don't think if I was any thinner I would have a better chance, because that wouldn't be love.Unfortunately- it took this experience to make me finally realise that!

[Template]

I'm glad that yourself is the grand motivating factor. It took me a long time to realize this, and all I've done was yo-yo my weight up and down. Sounds like you really have a good head on your shoulders, and I'm confident your beauty on the inside will show itself on the outside in no time. When you are thinner, you WILL have a better chance, and more importantly, with a BETTER person.

[Ariadne]

No,

 

I don't believe this so much: "He told me I had no idea how much he loved me and how much pain he was in . "

 

But the simple fact that when he saw what you looked like, he found that he was not attracted to you and wanted out. But made it sound like it was your fault instead.

 

He probably had an image of you that was completely different for all this time and was up for a shocker.

[horriblewoman]

Okay, he shot me an email saying "don't be so hard on yourself, we are only human we make mistakes."

 

Now it's just a waiting game. He didn't say he would give me a second chance, but the key here is he didn't say he wouldn't either ; I know him- he doesn't like to waste time. He knows what I want, he knows what I'm looking for; if he trully felt he couldn't see himself giving me a second chance he would of written something along the lines of "Thankyou for being so honest with me, that couldn't have been easy..I really appreciate it, I jsut want you to know I care about you a lot but I can't see us having another chance..". It would of been a variation of that, he would have cut to the point rather than keeping it open ended. I think in due time when he is ready, which he understandably is not; he will come back if that's what he wants. I'm not going to respond because the ball is in his court, I'm going to let him have some space. He knows precisely how I feel about him, I'm going to wait for him to make the next move.

 

Right now I'm sure he has a lot of feelings to sort out, but there is some reason he hasn't told me there is no chance of reconcile; I don't think he feels ready to say "let's try this again" and I don't blame him either. I dont' want him to feel rushed or pressured. Just going to let him come to me now.

[Ariadne]

Okay, he shot me an email saying "don't be so hard on yourself, we are only human we make mistakes."

 

That's probably because he thought you were going to have a more normal reaction when he told you that it was not the fact that you were overweight, but that you lied.

 

You instead became the martyr that went to his town in her knees to ask for forgiveness.

[horriblewoman]

Just so we would be crystal clear, I wrote him a brief response. I told him thankyou, I also told him I was going to give him his space now, I told him he knows what I want- that if he knows he won't give me a second chance please tell me right away so I can move on with my life, However, if he thinks there's a possibility just come to me when you are ready, however long it takes-I would wait, that there was nothing I would not do to repair this. I told him I couldn't just be his friend because I was in love with him and that only leads to hurt, doesn't work out...

 

 

So, He read the letter last night, he was online for several hours and he has not responded as of yet (aka to tell me right away there is no chance). So we'll just see *fingers crossed*

[horriblewoman]

FWIW, I don't personally think he pulled back because of how you look, otherwise I don't think he would have watched the video numerous times or even e-mailed you again at all.

 

Just wait and see hon.

 

 

Yeah, I realise now what he meant. He pulled back because he thought perhaps I was an illusion, perhaps I made up an entire life story and who he thought I was on the inside didn't exist. Nothing could be further from the truth! However, He has talked to ALL of my family, several times. If the things I told him were all just made up untruths there is no way my family would of "confirmed" things. At the time though he just panicked and didn't know what to think. I'm glad I made the video- If I trully was just someone trolling the internet to play games with a persons head, I would not have made a video to confess to the things I lied about regarding my weight- I would of thought "****, I'm caught" time to move on to the next one... If there wasn't a geniuine quality about me I would not have set things right.

 

Now, it's time to just focus on me. It's time to start resuming my life as normal, think about the things I want to improve and better. I know it wouldn't be healthy to sit around all broken hearted just waiting for my prince to come. This is very hard personal test, that I need to pass. I need to know I can cope and make something positive out of the hard and painful situations. I need to get my mojo back, so to speak. I have learned a really good lesson about acceptance and my body though. I will never again allow anyone to make me feel inadequate because of my size- that and I'm going to continue to make a pro-active step towards a healthy lifestyle.