backto1 Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I agree that you shouldn't discuss numbers. It doesn't do any good. BUT...if I found out a girl I was dating had been with say..20 people it would make me question her judgment and morals. If I see a girl who acts slutty, I don't want to date her. It's attractive to me when I meet girls who know how to say NO and don't need constant male attention. I'm not saying everyone who's had 20 partners is a slut, a lot of it depends on circumstances. But eventually there's a point where it's just ridiculous not to name it for what it is.
Art_Critic Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 BUT...if I found out a girl I was dating had been with say..20 people it would make me question her judgment and morals. I think it depneds mainly on the length of time a person has been sexually active.. You sound young because a number of 20 for an older person in reality isn't that high... but it would be for a young person a lot of it depends on circumstances. Sure.. like I said.. the length of time a person has been sexually active.. For example... If a woman is lets say 45 and lost her virginity at the age of 17 then she has been having sex for 28 years. If her number was 20 then that would mean a new sexual partner about every 1.5 years.. That isn't even close to being promiscuous... Most young people have a new partner quicker than every 1.5 years but they may only have a number of 3.. the same as the woman of 20 in the game of averages..
backto1 Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Very true. I guess I shouldn't have named a specific number. There's no concrete line but eventually the number:age ratio gets high enough that you wonder where the ability to say NO is.
AAlike Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Very true. I guess I shouldn't have named a specific number. There's no concrete line but eventually the number:age ratio gets high enough that you wonder where the ability to say NO is. Maybe it's not about "the ability to say no" at all...maybe the girl just (* gasp *) WANTED to have sex!!
Author Arcanum Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 I guess it's cool to see that men feel this way too. I know it's the "norm" (hate that word) for guys to have more sexual partners than women but it still hurts. I don't agree with some people here. Everyone that keeps saying "don't ask" To me that's like burying your head in the sand in case you hear something scary. If that person has slept with 500 people I want to know. The reason is because, although the past is the past it is the complete summary of events that have led us to be the people that we are. Everything we experience, good and bad, makes us who we are, how we feel and concrete our morals. When I start a relationship with someone I want to know who they are. I also resent the tone of some posts. The "why would you do that" or "just get over it" or some people didn't want to comment because they knew jealousy would prevail. It's a very tough feeling to have to endure and I think it speaks volumes about how much these people care for their partners when they are here trying to feel better about it all. And I for one think it's never something to be balked at, coming for help. It feels terrible when all you want to do is feel the way your rational mind is telling you. YES it's in the past so why does it still matter? YES they love you wso why does it still feel almost like a betrayal? I'm having problems with my emotions about this guy now because morally he has a pattern that I do not like one little bit. I have never ever participated in meaningless sex. I have never had unprotected sex with someone I didn't know was clean. My relationships have been long lasting and my SO has always meant the world to me. I've always been playful with sex but have never risked my health or the health of my family for a shag. My partner has done all of the above. I love him dearly and I know he does me too. I wish things were different because to me they are like warning signs that we will not work. A shag was more importnant than his health and his future time and time and time again. Who's not to say it won't be in the future. Will a shag be more important than me? I've heard him say our sex wasn't the most amazing so how am I to feel knowing that in his mind he knows he could get better. It's all about the fear of losing that person because they morally don't fit right and all you want is for them to do just that. I recently came out of a ten year relationship with a man I loved dearly. i thought I would be with him for the rest of my life and it still didn't work out. I never had these issues with him and I'm sure the break up (even though I pulled the plug to drain the final remaining dregs) has made me lose a little of my faith in love. But if I never had doubts with him and it didnt work out does that mean this relationship is doomed from the start? I've tried talking to my guy about this. He says he wishes he could erase some parts of his past so that I could feel better. He says if I associate wild sex with someone else now I should try and top it. But then I wouldn't be doing something I enjoy, I'd be trying to outdo another woman and may very well fail. He says time will prove to me how much I mean to him because if he tried to say anything it would make me wonder if he'd always said these things to all women. And so it just continues to hurt....
Author Arcanum Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Couple of things I forgot to mention. I liked the point that rproctor (I think sorry if I've remembered incorrectly!!) made about how people have different boundaries and different criteria about what they are comfortable with. It means that many may look at anothers problem and think "that's not bad!" when to that person it very much is. I think I would have been happier if my mans number was halved. That is still over double mine but I would have been better pleased. Also the fact he has always had unprotected sex bothers me. Which leads me to my other point. Someone (Art Clown i think again sorry for my terrible memory) said I could have contracted a disease form my number of 2 partners. No. I knew they were both clean before having sex with them and both of them had only had 1 sexual partner before me. I do not participate in risky sex. My health and the wellbeing of my child (even before I knew she would be) has always been more important than a ****. It's one of the things I cannot forgive my partner now for. That he never thought of his future and now that future is me.
Jellyhead Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Maybe it's not about "the ability to say no" at all...maybe the girl just (* gasp *) WANTED to have sex!! Hit the nail on the head there. One of the things that crops up often on these retroactive jealousy threads is guys desperately trying to come up with reasons why their partners have slept with more men than they are comfortable with. We see comments like, "Her self-esteem was very low for a number of years," or, "She'd just come out of a long-term relationship and didn't really know what she was doing." And I don't blame these guys for saying this stuff; often, they are just parroting what their gf herself has told them as she tries to fend off their inquisition. Personally, though, I think the best way of dealing with retroactive jealousy is to push all that aside. Don't look for reasons why your gf had so much sex before you. There is only one reason. And here it is: She likes having sex. She enjoys it. When she had sex with all those other guys, it was because she was horny and wanted to get laid. And, really, what's wrong with that? What's the problem? Unless you genuinely believe that sex should only take place in the confines of marriage or a committed relationship, you have no right to complain that she took a few lengths before she took yours. Guys have got to get out of this ridiculous manner of thinking that basically says, "It's great that my girl loves sex with me... but there must have been something wrong with her to have enjoyed sex with anyone else." Get over yourselves!
Art_Critic Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 It's one of the things I cannot forgive my partner now for. That he never thought of his future and now that future is me. I'm sorry I'm about to say this but... your post is about the most selfish self centered thing you could be thinking... I do think after reading your posts here that you are not getting any resolution to this in your head and really think you could seek some therapy concerning this.. It seems that you are looking to your BF to provide you with something that he isn't capable of because of his sexual past.. This isn't his problem or fault and if your thinking doesn't change or you don't come to some sort of resolution in your mind for this then it will drive you both apart.. Seeking help thru a therapist isn't a bad thing and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you but maybe it could supply you with the tools to resolve this.
Stockalone Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I'm sorry I'm about to say this but... your post is about the most selfish self centered thing you could be thinking... I do think after reading your posts here that you are not getting any resolution to this in your head and really think you could seek some therapy concerning this.. It seems that you are looking to your BF to provide you with something that he isn't capable of because of his sexual past.. This isn't his problem or fault and if your thinking doesn't change or you don't come to some sort of resolution in your mind for this then it will drive you both apart.. Seeking help thru a therapist isn't a bad thing and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you but maybe it could supply you with the tools to resolve this. Why should she seek therapy on this? It's seems to be a case of incompatible moral beliefs. She has a problem with her boyfriend's actions. Why shouldn't she be allowed to think the way she does? She never had casual sex and she made sure that she was always as safe as possible. Her bf on the other hand had casual sex that also was unprotected sex. I think her bf should be the one seeking therapy. Aside from the moral problems that the casual sex poses for her, it also speaks volumes about what kind of decisions he made. He is one lucky guy for getting away with that lifestyle. If people want to engage in casual sex, nobody is stopping them. But the audacity to expect every future partner to be o.k. with that, is mind-boggling to me.
backto1 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Maybe it's not about "the ability to say no" at all...maybe the girl just (* gasp *) WANTED to have sex!! I don't think that's a good argument. This quote basically just says "if it feels good, do it." Don't we all make conscious decisions not to do things that sound fun? If we take it that far, we'd next be saying there's nothing wrong with a long past of intravenous drug abuse. And what kind of deeply ingrained traits in a girl make her throw herself at the feet of any male that shows her the least bit of attention? (I'm speaking from a guy's perspective here but this can go both ways.) I mean, think about all the psychological stuff going on in girls who slut around...I've never met a kind, emotionally stable girl who had a past of many random encounters. Despite all the flaws of the human mind, it can do a pretty good job of picking up patterns and keeping us out of trouble. When you're thinking about a serious relationship with someone and you find out they have serious problems saying no, it's understandable you'd be concerned. I also totally understand not wanting to pass reflex judgments on people but there is eventually a point where it becomes a real issue. And last...if some people don't have a problem at all with past numbers, that's fine. But I also don't see a reason to say it's wrong for certain people looking for like-minded, compatible partners to have a problem with sexual history.
Author Arcanum Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Thank you Stockalone. I agree with you. I asked him once did he evee think he would find someone special that he would want to spend his life with and have children with. He said "of course, absolutely". Well I felt that way too, which is why I was careful until I met that person. I'm sorry but I feel that if people want to go around having risky sex because it just feels good right then fair enough, but to assume that everything is going to be ok, and that even IF you were lucky your partner will be ok with it is silly. I thought about my future in my past decisions. I've not just done it with sex but with money and other choices too. It's difficult being in love with someone that never did the same. And yes maybe it is selfish but I am what he wants to be his future now. I thought about him before I knew him but he didn't me. Regardless of who we actually were we still believed we would have each other even before meeting. It's difficult to explain. I am here trying to figure out a way of making the feelings subside a little as they really are self destructive and painful. I guess in a way it is therapy. Did anyone find these feelings diminish with time? I think that would be a good question. I understand the feeling probably initially grow as your feelings for that person grows but does it eventually start to feel better?
Stockalone Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Thank you Stockalone. I agree with you. I asked him once did he evee think he would find someone special that he would want to spend his life with and have children with. He said "of course, absolutely". Well I felt that way too, which is why I was careful until I met that person. Given that I have my own moral reservations about casual sex, I understand where you are coming from. In your case, I would be even more worried about the unsafe sex he had. What the heck was he thinking? I'm sorry but I feel that if people want to go around having risky sex because it just feels good right then fair enough, but to assume that everything is going to be ok, and that even IF you were lucky your partner will be ok with it is silly. I thought about my future in my past decisions. I've not just done it with sex but with money and other choices too. It's difficult being in love with someone that never did the same. That is usually something that people who think differently about casual sex do no understand. Then again, I don't understand them either when they explain why casual sex in the past doesn't interfere with a loving commited relationship in the present. It's just a different view on sex and love. What works for one might not work for the other. And yes maybe it is selfish but I am what he wants to be his future now. I thought about him before I knew him but he didn't me. Regardless of who we actually were we still believed we would have each other even before meeting. It's difficult to explain. It is selfish, but looking after yourself is always selfish. And the people who expect you to be o.k. with them having casual sex are equally selfish. I am here trying to figure out a way of making the feelings subside a little as they really are self destructive and painful. I guess in a way it is therapy. Did anyone find these feelings diminish with time? I think that would be a good question. I understand the feeling probably initially grow as your feelings for that person grows but does it eventually start to feel better? Unfortunately, I can't help you with that. I never tried to overcome those feelings. I ended my relationship, but I hope you find a way to make those feelings go away since you want to make your relationship work. So I think you need to determine if your morals sre what is causing this, or if your feelings are caused by the retroactive jealousy, the competition with his other partners. I think that you can let go of the retroactive jealousy, if that even applies to you. I never had images in my head of what a gf did in her past with other guys. My problem was/is that I don't believe that what we experience as love is the same thing when we have such a different view on sex. I can't imagine how you can separate love and sex and then still feel the same love for me as I do for you. I am certain our partners feel it is possible and maybe it is, but I don't believe it. Which makes it impossible for me to start or continue a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same morals/beliefs.
AAlike Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I don't think that's a good argument. This quote basically just says "if it feels good, do it." Don't we all make conscious decisions not to do things that sound fun? If we take it that far, we'd next be saying there's nothing wrong with a long past of intravenous drug abuse. I'm not saying that I condone random hookups (honestly I don't really care either way, provided protection is used) - what I'm saying is that people seem to imply that the only reason that a girl has had a few flings is that she has some sort of mental issue or self-esteem problems. I'm saying maybe there's no huge mental puzzle to be solved, maybe, just maybe, she was young and single and just decided that's what she wanted to do at that time. It's entirely up to you if this is something that would bother you, but to say that it must be a result of some mental issue is quite a bold statement. and come on, comparing protected sex to IV drug use? And what kind of deeply ingrained traits in a girl make her throw herself at the feet of any male that shows her the least bit of attention? (I'm speaking from a guy's perspective here but this can go both ways.) I mean, think about all the psychological stuff going on in girls who slut around...I've never met a kind, emotionally stable girl who had a past of many random encounters. what kind of deeply ingrained sexism makes you think that a girl sleeping with a guy is "throwing herself at the feet of any male"? you're acting like the only reason that women have sex is because of some inability to NOT have it. obviously the word "many" is very subjective, but I have a feeling that I've met plenty of women that have had an amount of partners that you would consider to be "many" that are just fine. And last...if some people don't have a problem at all with past numbers, that's fine. But I also don't see a reason to say it's wrong for certain people looking for like-minded, compatible partners to have a problem with sexual history. ok I can buy that, sure. it's totally up to you what bothers you and what doesn't...but I would also figure that you'd be at least receptive to understanding that most people's views on sex in particular change dramatically during their formative years.
AAlike Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Did anyone find these feelings diminish with time? I think that would be a good question. I understand the feeling probably initially grow as your feelings for that person grows but does it eventually start to feel better? I think that the feelings will definitely diminish with time IF you are able to come to grips with the circumstances internally. Judging by some of your comments in this thread, I don't think that you are there yet - specifically the part about risking his future, which is now you, on some unprotected sex. Although I understand how you feel that way, you can't take those emotions and apply them to a snapshot in time like that - there was no you at that time and you're only going to hurt yourself if you think about things in this way.
backto1 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I'm not saying that I condone random hookups (honestly I don't really care either way, provided protection is used) - what I'm saying is that people seem to imply that the only reason that a girl has had a few flings is that she has some sort of mental issue or self-esteem problems. I'm saying maybe there's no huge mental puzzle to be solved, maybe, just maybe, she was young and single and just decided that's what she wanted to do at that time. It's entirely up to you if this is something that would bother you, but to say that it must be a result of some mental issue is quite a bold statement. and come on, comparing protected sex to IV drug use? A few flings is one thing, but there gets to be a point where it says something about that person's character. Unfortunately I can't say where that line is crossed, so it's not a particularly strong argument on my part. I didn't mean to directly compare protected sex to IV drug use but what I meant was how far can we push the "if it feels good, do it" mentality? But repeated unprotected sex with random people is about as poor a decision as drug use. what kind of deeply ingrained sexism makes you think that a girl sleeping with a guy is "throwing herself at the feet of any male"? you're acting like the only reason that women have sex is because of some inability to NOT have it. obviously the word "many" is very subjective, but I have a feeling that I've met plenty of women that have had an amount of partners that you would consider to be "many" that are just fine. It's not an ingrained sexism...I said this goes both ways. I was just talking about it from my point of view as a male to make my post readable. And about the difference between a conscious choice or an inability to say no, it's all the same thing. It's a lack of self control. Everybody wants to f*ck, and sometimes we do, but again, there's a point where it shows no self control. And yes, these people make choices, but choices are what define our character. I can't see long term relationship material in someone who repeatedly makes poor choices. And I consider having sex with random people a poor choice. Sex is a powerful form of bonding and it's understandable that it would bother someone if his/her partner has a long history of treating it like an amusing toy. It cheapens the experience for the new partner who is emotionally involved. I am not saying this is a first time offense type of thing. It only becomes a problem (for me anyways) when someone has established a long term pattern of slutting around. ok I can buy that, sure. it's totally up to you what bothers you and what doesn't...but I would also figure that you'd be at least receptive to understanding that most people's views on sex in particular change dramatically during their formative years. I kind of agree with you on this one. The thing is, there's a point where you have to wonder "wow, doesn't this person function in relationships? Does this person EVER have meaningful sex? Is this person capable of treating sex with a tiny bit of respect?" And even if the person in question does change, we are still emotional creatures and it hurts to know the person you love has been f*cked and sucked to hell and back. There may not be a logical reason for this hurt, but it is real and that's why I pass on people who can't say no occasionally.
Raina Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I cannot imagine not being able to ask my partner about his past sex life for fearing what he would say. My partner's past behaviour reflects his personality. Knowing how he treated his ex-girlfriends, for how long his relations lasted and how many girls he took to his bed and said "i love you", even the reasons why they broke up, it all matters to build my image of him. Someone who had 15 partners doesnt give me a positive image, doesn't sound to me like he would be a man with whom i could have a long term relationship. Or at least, doesn't sound like he knows what he is looking for. I respect everyone's opinion and choices. I simply want a man I can settle with, who wants to settle too and who makes an effort in making long term commitments work. Which certainly isnt the case of people who keep an average of 1.5 partners per year.
electric_sheep Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 People become obsessed over past relationships for many reasons, but I think there is some commonality. Usually it is a strong need to feel special and unique, and we see our lovers sexual past as threatening in this regard. We feel the need to secure some special place in our lovers life, and we connect this with sex somehow. It's as if sex is sort of a barometer for how close the relationship is. If our lover has had similar relationships with others in the past, we begin to feel like there is nothing unique or special about the current relationship. We feel like we are simply one in a string of such relationships. I think maybe we are worried that if we are not special to them that they will leave us. All of these feelings fill us with angst, doubt, insecurity and fear. I think these feelings bother a certain type of person more than another. We are idealistic and perfectionist, a touch obsessive perhaps, and absolutist. We are seekers, looking for something to believe in (a soul mate perhaps). We have a hard time reconciling our lovers sexual past with our ideals of romantic love.
Carmen87 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 People become obsessed over past relationships for many reasons, but I think there is some commonality. Usually it is a strong need to feel special and unique, and we see our lovers sexual past as threatening in this regard. We feel the need to secure some special place in our lovers life, and we connect this with sex somehow. It's as if sex is sort of a barometer for how close the relationship is. If our lover has had similar relationships with others in the past, we begin to feel like there is nothing unique or special about the current relationship. We feel like we are simply one in a string of such relationships. I think maybe we are worried that if we are not special to them that they will leave us. All of these feelings fill us with angst, doubt, insecurity and fear. I think these feelings bother a certain type of person more than another. We are idealistic and perfectionist, a touch obsessive perhaps, and absolutist. We are seekers, looking for something to believe in (a soul mate perhaps). We have a hard time reconciling our lovers sexual past with our ideals of romantic love. Wow, this is spot on! While I never understood why I felt such a need to know my partner's past, and why I harbor such hatred towards it at times, I now realize why.
sfsassy Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I decided to wat until I was in love to go all the way. (Though had done everything but with a quite a few guys!) Both my all the way guys, and other guys, (accept maybe two) had more experience than me. The first all the way guy had WAY more experience. It NEVER bothered me, as I knew he loved me, and I made him hot. As long as someone doesn't have hundreds of partners I don't see the issue. (As long as you aare tested and practice safer sex of course.)
sfsassy Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Yes, the past is the past, they're with you now, etc. However, let's throw a wrench into this. What if your SO had journals or diaries covering nearly two decades, and these contained fairly detailed descriptions of sexual encounters with most of their former lovers, and let's say they left some on a shelf for all to see, next to the dictionary and other books they had read, almost as if to tempt discovery..... How would you feel then??? I'd read it, and probably feel hot for me lover, and sorry for the poor girls who don't have him now. (As long as it was ALL in the past, and I was into him sexually.) I'm a very, very sexual being, so the fact my lover was wouln't phase me.
sfsassy Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 People become obsessed over past relationships for many reasons, but I think there is some commonality. Usually it is a strong need to feel special and unique, and we see our lovers sexual past as threatening in this regard. We feel the need to secure some special place in our lovers life, and we connect this with sex somehow. It's as if sex is sort of a barometer for how close the relationship is. If our lover has had similar relationships with others in the past, we begin to feel like there is nothing unique or special about the current relationship. We feel like we are simply one in a string of such relationships. I think maybe we are worried that if we are not special to them that they will leave us. All of these feelings fill us with angst, doubt, insecurity and fear. I think these feelings bother a certain type of person more than another. We are idealistic and perfectionist, a touch obsessive perhaps, and absolutist. We are seekers, looking for something to believe in (a soul mate perhaps). We have a hard time reconciling our lovers sexual past with our ideals of romantic love. It's weird, I am idealistic, a perfectionist, and semi obsessive, but I guess not an absolutist. I know I'm special, even sexually, so I don't need a guy to tell me that. I have felt insecure about other parts of a relationship, but never that one. Plus good or bad, no partner will ever forget me, lol. By just my features I am unigue. (I'm not saying because I'm so great, but due to my physical appearance.) What someone did before meeting me, is not my business, and each connecction is different
Art_Critic Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 What someone did before meeting me, is not my business, and each connecction is different Precisely... The most mature thing to do is to look at each relationship as a whole.. If the guy or girl treats you right, you have a great connection and things are looking up then why trash everything because you can't wrap your head around the fact they have a past.. Even people with low numbers will have their numbers creep up over time.. someone at the age of 25 with a number of 5 won't stay 5 forever unless they get married and stay married.. Their number will go higher with the same number of relationships they have thruout their life.. duh!!
AAlike Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Hit the nail on the head there. One of the things that crops up often on these retroactive jealousy threads is guys desperately trying to come up with reasons why their partners have slept with more men than they are comfortable with. We see comments like, "Her self-esteem was very low for a number of years," or, "She'd just come out of a long-term relationship and didn't really know what she was doing." And I don't blame these guys for saying this stuff; often, they are just parroting what their gf herself has told them as she tries to fend off their inquisition. Personally, though, I think the best way of dealing with retroactive jealousy is to push all that aside. Don't look for reasons why your gf had so much sex before you. There is only one reason. And here it is: She likes having sex. She enjoys it. When she had sex with all those other guys, it was because she was horny and wanted to get laid. And, really, what's wrong with that? What's the problem? Unless you genuinely believe that sex should only take place in the confines of marriage or a committed relationship, you have no right to complain that she took a few lengths before she took yours. Guys have got to get out of this ridiculous manner of thinking that basically says, "It's great that my girl loves sex with me... but there must have been something wrong with her to have enjoyed sex with anyone else." Get over yourselves! haha word man, that's really what it boils down to. here's some more food for thought on this matter (and more for siphon and proctor to digest). early on in my relationship, I had a week in which I was travelling for business and really struggling with retroactive jealousy (I think because it was the first time that I had been away for an extended period and have it smack me like "wow, do I miss her" - I found that as a person that was previously cyncical towards love and relationships that I subconsciously used my retro jealousy as a sort of shield against getting too close...so the moments in which I felt really close to her seemed to coincide with when the RJ would "flare up" per se - but that's for another discussion). Anyway, so I was on a flight with a colleague from another company that we work with that I travel with frequently. We'd been working together for a few years and had definitely become friends, but had never discussed anything really personal. However, he asked me how things were going with my GF, and for some insane reason, I was hit with a moment of weakness and inexplicably disclosed to him the source of my jealousy (not in great detail, but still). In retrospect, it was one of the dumbest, most socially inappropriate things that I have ever done, esepcially since being a "professional", but it ended up being a blessing in disguise. You see, this guy is a good 15 years older than me (I'm 31) and pretty successful, and I really had no idea how he would react to me telling him this in a manner that was essentially entirely unprompted. Right after I said it, I thought to myself "this guy has to think I'm insane." You know what he did? He just laughed and asked me what the big deal was. I told him that I didn't know. he then said something that helped me immensely - he said "you only care about that 'cause you're young and have never been in love before. If you have a girl that likes sex, enjoy it - there's plenty of guys my age that wouldn't care if their wives slept with 1000 guys in their teens if it meant that they were still interested in regular sex now. you'll make enough new memories that you won't care in five years." This helped me in several ways...first of all, I hadn't thought of it that way, but it's true - with the amount of sexless marriages and relationships out there, I should be thrilled that I'm in a situation in which we can't keep our hands off of each other! but more importantly, getting advice like this from such an unlikely source made me realize that the big "shock factor" was all in my head - and that in the grand scheme of things I was pining over something totally insignificant.
mental_traveller Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Why is your gf/bf having had sex once with 30 different people a cause of more jealously than them having had sex 1000 times with one person? Surely in the latter case it means their partner was great in bed - don't you feel inferior? If you don't get retroactive jealousy over someone who just came out of a 10 year relationship, you shouldn't get it over someone who didn't have a relationship anywhere near as long. The biggest sluts are the monogamous - they get to do it every day!
Jellyhead Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 This helped me in several ways...first of all, I hadn't thought of it that way, but it's true - with the amount of sexless marriages and relationships out there, I should be thrilled that I'm in a situation in which we can't keep our hands off of each other! but more importantly, getting advice like this from such an unlikely source made me realize that the big "shock factor" was all in my head - and that in the grand scheme of things I was pining over something totally insignificant. Hey AA. Thanks for this post. I read a lot of your posts and find them insightful and helpful. Question, though: You seem to be pretty much on top of your retroactive jealousy. But does it ever rear its ugly head still? And what do you do to tackle it when it does? My situation is that my fiancee has slept with a load more people than I have (not a shock, since I was married for five years). She had a promiscuous period in college that ended abruptly when she got pregnant and had an abortion. She reassessed her lifestyle and settled down a lot after that, give or take the odd encounter here and there (she's 25 now). From time to time, aspects of her past bother me a little. I don't suffer from this anywhere near as much as some of the guys who post on here with RJ issues. I mean, it's never even crossed my mind to split up with her over it, and I have no doubt we will get married, make babies and live happily ever after. Even so, there is a small part of my brain that loves to prod at me and torment me over it, and it's... vexing. I'm terribly vexed. Sigh. Logically and rationally, I have no problem with her past. Hell, I'm so convinced that RJ is silly that I come on here and make fun of other people who suffer from it! And yet, clearly, I'm not entirely immune myself. Whaddyareckon? Can we ever be free of RJ, or must we accept that it will always be there in some small capacity, and thus we must make peace with it?
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