Great Grey Owl Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I found this forum and hopefully some of you may have some great insight into my current situation and how I can deal with it, or even if its not me thats the problem! My wife left me quite of the blue last year as she felt the marriage had broken down even thought I had not anticipated it and it was a complete surprise. There were a few issues around money and we were doing our own thing wuite a lot (mostly because she was so I did too). Anyway to cut a long story short we did a lot of talking, she didn't feel we coudl work it out and we started going our seperate ways. This was June 07 but in Sep 07 she suddenly told me she had been completely wrong, made a big mistake and wanted to come back (we were still in same house at this time). After much talking about this we decided that her moving out for 6 months (which was already imminent) would allow us to ensure we worked on getting back together in the right way and over that period things were quite good. So in April she moved back in and thats were the problems started. Despite being very tactile, caring and committed to us whilst away, now that she is back her life is focussed on her almost to the exception of all else. She salsa dances 2-3 times a week generally late night or all night organised parties and makes no qualms about how she flirts with the men there, she also has no qualms telling me about how she flirted outrageously with this person at this work do or that person at that party, she seems to be obsessed with parties and thinks that it should be quite acceptable for her to be like this adn be able to go to them at short notice and with no anticipated return like a single person. This makes me feel incredibly insecure and also somewhat nervous that she really needs someone who is into the same things or who does not feel threatened by her flirtacious behaviours. Its making me quite ill and depressed, especially as I really thought that the way we were when apart would be mirrored when we were back together. But I then question whether it is me that is the issue as I have always been insecure with her going clubbing etc. Maybe I'm too controlling. I don't want to stop her having fun but not fun that seems a threat to our relationship Help!
Zebraheaded1 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 As someone who's never been married, or even had a live-in relationship...I can't speak too helpfully on some aspects...but one thing I'd like to ask... You say that her partying/flirting seems a threat to the relationship. Do you mean a threat by making you insecure (due to her wanting this interaction with others), or a threat by making you think it may go past flirting? Do you trust her when she's out? Also, how do you react when she tells you these things? Do you brush them off, get visibly hurt, or what? If she's telling you this stuff, she probably wants a certain reaction from you...and perhaps she isn't getting it.
Template Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 It seems to me that you two want different things in life currently. You sound like you want a nice settled down laid back lifestyle, and she wants to live the high life. A relationship is all about compromises. There has got to be some give and take. How about you go out a little more with her, ashe goes out a little less. You be a little more outgoing, and she be a little less flirty. Once the relationship becomes a one-sided affair, it certainly becomes a trust and respect issue. Not with your wife however, but with yourself. You deserver to be happy as well, but if you are the type of guy who lets his wife roll over him, then you are only going to be miserable.
Author Great Grey Owl Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Zebraheaded - I tend to feel it a threat because she needs this interaction, but also sometimes wonder if I may not seeing that it might go more and I'm being taken for a fool. If I show any upset or concern she just says I've always been insecure with that behaviour, and flirting is part of the style of dance (salsa) anyway.
Author Great Grey Owl Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Template Thanks - very true words and you're right her behaviour is making me miserable. She has made some effort to compromise now but the burning desire is still there so although she doesn't actually go she still talks about!!!
Meaplus3 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I found this forum and hopefully some of you may have some great insight into my current situation and how I can deal with it, or even if its not me thats the problem! My wife left me quite of the blue last year as she felt the marriage had broken down even thought I had not anticipated it and it was a complete surprise. There were a few issues around money and we were doing our own thing wuite a lot (mostly because she was so I did too). Anyway to cut a long story short we did a lot of talking, she didn't feel we coudl work it out and we started going our seperate ways. This was June 07 but in Sep 07 she suddenly told me she had been completely wrong, made a big mistake and wanted to come back (we were still in same house at this time). After much talking about this we decided that her moving out for 6 months (which was already imminent) would allow us to ensure we worked on getting back together in the right way and over that period things were quite good. So in April she moved back in and thats were the problems started. Despite being very tactile, caring and committed to us whilst away, now that she is back her life is focussed on her almost to the exception of all else. She salsa dances 2-3 times a week generally late night or all night organised parties and makes no qualms about how she flirts with the men there, she also has no qualms telling me about how she flirted outrageously with this person at this work do or that person at that party, she seems to be obsessed with parties and thinks that it should be quite acceptable for her to be like this adn be able to go to them at short notice and with no anticipated return like a single person. This makes me feel incredibly insecure and also somewhat nervous that she really needs someone who is into the same things or who does not feel threatened by her flirtacious behaviours. Its making me quite ill and depressed, especially as I really thought that the way we were when apart would be mirrored when we were back together. But I then question whether it is me that is the issue as I have always been insecure with her going clubbing etc. Maybe I'm too controlling. I don't want to stop her having fun but not fun that seems a threat to our relationship Help! No! Your not to sensitve for wanting "Trust and Respect", those are two very important elements in any relationship. I think the key here is for you to communicate to your wife just how her actions are making you feel. How do you think she would feel if the you were the one that was going out clubbing? AP:)
justaman99 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 She salsa dances 2-3 times a week generally late night or all night organised parties and makes no qualms about how she flirts with the men there, she also has no qualms telling me about how she flirted outrageously with this person at this work do or that person at that party. Ok. I have no problem with my gf flirting a little bit. We all want to feel like we're still attractive to the opposite sex every now and then and as long as it's some harmless flirting and done lightly no harm in it. Salsa dancing requires her to be close to another man, flirting is part of the dance and seduction is part of it as well. The problem I have here is that she's telling you how she flirts with other guys when you're not there! She says she's flirting with this guy at work or that guy at a party. What's her goal here? She is probably deeply insecure and is constantly looking for that validation. She may never feel secure no matter what happens and I would be very careful here. Women like this will jump for another guy very easily. She probably did back in June and it didn't work out. Odds are she found someone, it didn't work out, and she missed the closeness and the real relationship that she had with you, the marriage, the bond. Watch yourself.
husbndinthemaking Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I found this forum and hopefully some of you may have some great insight into my current situation and how I can deal with it, or even if its not me thats the problem! My wife left me quite of the blue last year as she felt the marriage had broken down even thought I had not anticipated it and it was a complete surprise. There were a few issues around money and we were doing our own thing wuite a lot (mostly because she was so I did too). Anyway to cut a long story short we did a lot of talking, she didn't feel we coudl work it out and we started going our seperate ways. This was June 07 but in Sep 07 she suddenly told me she had been completely wrong, made a big mistake and wanted to come back (we were still in same house at this time). After much talking about this we decided that her moving out for 6 months (which was already imminent) would allow us to ensure we worked on getting back together in the right way and over that period things were quite good. So in April she moved back in and thats were the problems started. Despite being very tactile, caring and committed to us whilst away, now that she is back her life is focussed on her almost to the exception of all else. She salsa dances 2-3 times a week generally late night or all night organised parties and makes no qualms about how she flirts with the men there, she also has no qualms telling me about how she flirted outrageously with this person at this work do or that person at that party, she seems to be obsessed with parties and thinks that it should be quite acceptable for her to be like this adn be able to go to them at short notice and with no anticipated return like a single person. This makes me feel incredibly insecure and also somewhat nervous that she really needs someone who is into the same things or who does not feel threatened by her flirtacious behaviours. Its making me quite ill and depressed, especially as I really thought that the way we were when apart would be mirrored when we were back together. But I then question whether it is me that is the issue as I have always been insecure with her going clubbing etc. Maybe I'm too controlling. I don't want to stop her having fun but not fun that seems a threat to our relationship Help! This is very easy to handle... You need to go out and do the same thing she is doing. By sitting around waiting for her to come around, you look foolish and weak to her. Want her to respect you? Then go out and meet other people, attend your own parties, etc. Show her that she does not have control over you and that you are a strong independent person that she is. This is the only way to win her back. She needs to see that you are not playing her game. Any girls flirt with you? At the supermarket? Etc.? Let her know if you get a look, wink, etc. Watch her turn around and want to be with you more. She needs to see that you are desired by others. Let's face it, you could EASILY find another girl with little effort. She just doesn't see it right now. And it seems like you don't see it either. Get your esteem back by flirting with other girls yourself. After all is said and done, she needs to work on her own self esteem. She has a major problem with feeling that she needs validation in your relationship. When she looks good, do you compliment her? Saying "I love you" does not do this. Soemthing like, "Wow. Is that a new dress? You look great in it." I have an issue with my wife like this as well. She constantly needs reassurance that she is attractive and desired. It is an uphill battle that I am constantly working on. Trying to make her a better person for herself is tough cause she thinks I am doing it for myself. Actually, I am doing it for BOTH of us and our marriage.
porter218 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 This is very easy to handle... You need to go out and do the same thing she is doing. By sitting around waiting for her to come around, you look foolish and weak to her. Want her to respect you? Then go out and meet other people, attend your own parties, etc. Show her that she does not have control over you and that you are a strong independent person that she is. This is the only way to win her back. She needs to see that you are not playing her game. Any girls flirt with you? At the supermarket? Etc.? Let her know if you get a look, wink, etc. Watch her turn around and want to be with you more. She needs to see that you are desired by others. Let's face it, you could EASILY find another girl with little effort. She just doesn't see it right now. And it seems like you don't see it either. Get your esteem back by flirting with other girls yourself. After all is said and done, she needs to work on her own self esteem. She has a major problem with feeling that she needs validation in your relationship. When she looks good, do you compliment her? Saying "I love you" does not do this. Soemthing like, "Wow. Is that a new dress? You look great in it." I have an issue with my wife like this as well. She constantly needs reassurance that she is attractive and desired. It is an uphill battle that I am constantly working on. Trying to make her a better person for herself is tough cause she thinks I am doing it for myself. Actually, I am doing it for BOTH of us and our marriage. Your advice is cotradicting itself. You are telling him to show her he is not playing her game, by playing her game?? It just sounds like your W moved back in too early. Tell her to move back out until she has had enough of the single life. She needs to grow up before she comes back home, if ever at all.
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