Laurenwho Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I"m back again- my boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 years. We live together and he wants to get married and have kids. I want to get married and have children too but not to someone who neglects me. He is a workaholic (works two jobs but doesn't need to- the other job is part time low paying and a "hobby" job. We rarely see eachother- an hour a day at most except for the weekends when we spend an entire day together but its not one on one time because he has a lot of stuff around the house he wants to do so I might get about 3 hours of quality time with him a week and we LIVE together and that is all I see him. He gets up at 6am and goes to his first job and gets home around 10:30 at night. I work full time and also do volunteer work. I've gone on two weekend vacations in the last two months without him (he had to work) just so I have something enjoyable to do. It wasn't always this way- we used to spend time together and he still worked both jobs. He would just get home earlier from his part time job (around 8pm every night) but each year he keeps working later and later. He promised me that as of May 1st he would spend more time with me. Told me he would give up his one night a week at bowling league. Well its the middle of june and he still hasn't done this. He says he needs the league to find a replacement for him. Well he keeps telling me they are looking and haven't found anyone yet and as soon as they do he will be done with it and have time for me. Says he is trying to make time for me. he keeps promising me he will. He took one night off from his league last month to spend time with him. He keeps leading me on telling me he is going to quit. I didnt' want him to quit his bowling league. He's done it for 10 years and its his guy time. I had suggested he not work one evening a week at his part time job. We don't need the money and his boss is flexible with the schedule. But he wont do it . He loves that job and obviously loves it more than me. THat hurts. Well recently he was offered a full time job (great salary!) where he'd get to do something similar to the part time job he loves. He would be on call on weekends though and work about 50 hours a week (he currently works about 70 hours a week!) HE would be making as much money at this one job as he does now at both jobs. He would obviously have to quit both jobs he has now. He talked to me about this the other night telling me the details of the jobs. Right now he gets all holidays off and this job would require working holidays as well. But he would probably have more time for me in the evenings then he does now. When he was telling me this he said that he'd hate to quit his part time job because he loves it there. Then he said "and I'd have to quit my bowling league, but thats ok because I'm only there one night a week anyway" I was so shocked by that remark because according to him, he already planned to quit his bowling league. He PROMISED me he was doing this (as a compromise when I told him (in january) that we needed to spend more time together or I can't do this anymore) But then why would he say he would have to give up the bowling league to take this new job??? if he already was going to give it up?? I asked him why he said that and he siad he already was planning to quit that he was just thinking out loud. The only reason he's considering NOT taking this job is because he loves his part time job so much and would have to give it up. I wish he loved me just half as much as he loves that damn job. He is a good guy- he is hardworking and can be very sweet and he used to be my best friend. Now he is so much a stranger to me that I hate being intimate with him. I cringe, I want it to be over with. I do so much for him! I am still the "perfect" partner- making sure the house is clean, that he has dinner every night, having sex with him 3 times a week. All in the hopes that he will "wake up" and realize how good he has it. How can I get his attention and make him see that he is going to lose me if he doesn't stop neglecting me?
curiousnycgirl Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Lauren - You keep coming here asking the same question, getting the same answers, disappearing for a while, then repeat. Why bother asking us? You ignore our answers anyway.
Author Laurenwho Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 I come here for opinions nothing wrong with that everyone here does it. I'm not sure why you are saying I ignore what anyone says? the only thing I see that you said to me was that you would hope that in my situation you would have the strength to leave. I haven't kept up on your situation but last I remember (think it was you) you were in a relationship that everyone kept saying was a dead end one- guy who wouldn't move in with you, refused to respect your religious beliefs and kept stringing you along saying he would marry you but never making any steps in that direction. Not sure if you are still with him but as I see it I'm sort of in a similiar situation- one where I deeply love someone and he is promising me something that I want/need (more time with him) but not following through. So I'm not sure where your hostility comes from but I feel it is undeserved. I'm only asking for ideas/advice on how to deal. I did listen to some of the advice (where someone told me to back off and not be available to my boyfriend) Everyone comes here for advice so I'm not sure why you are singling me out.
imbewildered Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 - and make him see that he is going to lose me if he doesn't stop neglecting me? Perhaps that is what he wants deep down and he is too timid to tell you to your face so he is frustrating you instead, hoping that you will bail. Just saying.. I hope i am wrong here.
Author Laurenwho Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 I have thought of that too. But whenever I've talked about breaking up with him he will get upset, cry, beg me not to leave and make me feel important. Why would he do this or why would he talk about marriage if he's not feeling me??? Maybe I'm just a convenience to him
curiousnycgirl Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I come here for opinions nothing wrong with that everyone here does it. I'm not sure why you are saying I ignore what anyone says? the only thing I see that you said to me was that you would hope that in my situation you would have the strength to leave. I haven't kept up on your situation but last I remember (think it was you) you were in a relationship that everyone kept saying was a dead end one- guy who wouldn't move in with you, refused to respect your religious beliefs and kept stringing you along saying he would marry you but never making any steps in that direction. Not sure if you are still with him but as I see it I'm sort of in a similiar situation- one where I deeply love someone and he is promising me something that I want/need (more time with him) but not following through. So I'm not sure where your hostility comes from but I feel it is undeserved. I'm only asking for ideas/advice on how to deal. I did listen to some of the advice (where someone told me to back off and not be available to my boyfriend) Everyone comes here for advice so I'm not sure why you are singling me out. You are materially correct, so I am not going to nit pick. The difference is I do not keep posting the same issue, so you can't keep up with my relationship - becuase there is nothing new to post. I know everyone is going to tell me the I need to leave him, and I think it would be disrespectful to keep asking the same questions while completely disregarding them. You want your b/f to quit his second job - that's it. You don't want him to give up guys night/bowling - you want what you want. He will not comply. You continue to want it so he tells you a lie to make you think he is doing something to make you happy, while continuing to do what hurts you. do you really want children with this man? Have you suggested to him that you could not possibly have children with him because he has proven, repeatedly to be unreliable and his children would need more of him than he appears to be willing to give anyone? You and I appear to be in the same boat - we are beating a dead horse, trying to keep it alive and get it to be what we want it to be. The only people who can change that is us.
Author Laurenwho Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 You are materially correct, so I am not going to nit pick. The difference is I do not keep posting the same issue, so you can't keep up with my relationship - becuase there is nothing new to post. I know everyone is going to tell me the I need to leave him, and I think it would be disrespectful to keep asking the same questions while completely disregarding them. You want your b/f to quit his second job - that's it. You don't want him to give up guys night/bowling - you want what you want. He will not comply. You continue to want it so he tells you a lie to make you think he is doing something to make you happy, while continuing to do what hurts you. Actually I don't want him to quit his 2nd job- I suggested he take ONE day off from that job but what I ultimately want is to be able to spend mORE time with him. But essentially you are right. do you really want children with this man? Have you suggested to him that you could not possibly have children with him because he has proven, repeatedly to be unreliable and his children would need more of him than he appears to be willing to give anyone? His excuse to this is if he had children he would make more time because he realizes that is important. BUt no I do not want to have children with him as he is now. You and I appear to be in the same boat - we are beating a dead horse, trying to keep it alive and get it to be what we want it to be. The only people who can change that is us. You are again right but I guess it is hard to let go of the past (when times were good) and listen to promises and believe them (because you don't want to beleive the person you love is leading you or lying to you to keep you around. At lunch today I saw my guy and we were going to lunch and I've been keeping all this bottled up inside lately and I was driving to lunch with him and this lady pulled out of a parking space and almost took off the front end of my car and I flipped out and just started crying and drove my boyfriend back to his work and we didn't even get anything to eat. I was so upset. It was like the dam just broke. I told him not to base any of his decisions (about maybe taking the new job) on me because I need to do what is best for ME and that might include me not being with him anymore. I told him I'm upset with him that he lied to me (saying he was going to quit bowling league and never following thru) and that he seems to be happy on just the bare minimum of effort on his part for our relationship. Of course he laid a guilt trip on me (tonight is his bowling league night) and he whined that he will just go down there and quit tonight since that is what I want. (no, it was HIS solution to my request for us to spend more time together) and he spat at me that he hoped that if he quit tonight that would make ME happy. He said he's thinking about taking this new job JUST because he would (maybe) be able to spend more time with me then. But I know how it works, he will get wrapped up in the new job and there probably still won't be time for me. I started crying and told him I just can't wait any longer. I am almost 31 and I want to get married and have kids. He told me (and my jaw about hit the floor) wow this is the first time I've ever heard you say you wanted kids, you DON"T want kids, if you do then why did you wait so long (he's implying I'm too old to have kids). Now i have told him I won't have kids with him the way he works so much NOW. I have "waited so long" because we are NOT married and he works so much so why would I have kids with him if we are not even married? He also says he told me this year (was end of last year) to set a date for this year (to get married) and I haven't. Well duh of course not! I barely see him enough to tell him what's going on in my life so why would I want to be planning a wedding with him when I'm miserable and lonely as it is??? He says he's been happy and doesn't understand why I think things are so bad. I told him how neglected I feel and that basically if I were the type of person who thought affairs were ok (I don't) I could have an entire other relationship outside of ours and I'd still be home by the time he was every night (to illustrate how little time we actually spend together) Yeah, it is like beating a dead horse over and over trying to make it get up so you can ride it off into the sunset when deep down you know thats impossible. CuriousNYCGirl, can I ask you a personal question- I don't know if you are still with your guy but if you are and deep down you know it won't work out and he'll never propose then why do YOU stay? i'm trying to figure this out for myself and the only reason I can come up with is I love him and think that if he thinks he will lose me then he'll be motivated to change. Or maybe I'm just afraid after "wasting" so many years of my life with him that I won't find anyone else.
curiousnycgirl Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 CuriousNYCGirl, can I ask you a personal question- I don't know if you are still with your guy but if you are and deep down you know it won't work out and he'll never propose then why do YOU stay? i'm trying to figure this out for myself and the only reason I can come up with is I love him and think that if he thinks he will lose me then he'll be motivated to change. Or maybe I'm just afraid after "wasting" so many years of my life with him that I won't find anyone else. EXCELLENT question! Yes I am still with him A number of reasons: 1. he is my best friend, I can't imagine life without him 2. our lives are very intertwined. I speak with his daughter-in-law more often than he does! 3. like you, I love him and hope I am wrong 4. we have so much stuff planned, why not do all that and break up afterwards - that means stick it out through thanksgiving. 5. I'm afraid there's nothing else out there for me. my dating history in a nutshell is one significant relationship every 10 years (engaged at 18 he died when I was 19 - next one was from when I was 28-31 and then I met this guy when I was 39, I'm not 43). I cannot imagine starting over again 6. and this is the most significant, relevant and honest one - I'm a freaking idiot I have a history of bending over backwards for the ones I love and getting very little back - maybe to some extent I believe this is all I deserve - who knows. G-d bless and good luck to both of us!
curiousnycgirl Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 At lunch today I saw my guy and we were going to lunch and I've been keeping all this bottled up inside lately and I was driving to lunch with him and this lady pulled out of a parking space and almost took off the front end of my car and I flipped out and just started crying and drove my boyfriend back to his work and we didn't even get anything to eat. I was so upset. It was like the dam just broke. I told him not to base any of his decisions (about maybe taking the new job) on me because I need to do what is best for ME and that might include me not being with him anymore. I told him I'm upset with him that he lied to me (saying he was going to quit bowling league and never following thru) and that he seems to be happy on just the bare minimum of effort on his part for our relationship. Of course he laid a guilt trip on me (tonight is his bowling league night) and he whined that he will just go down there and quit tonight since that is what I want. (no, it was HIS solution to my request for us to spend more time together) and he spat at me that he hoped that if he quit tonight that would make ME happy. He said he's thinking about taking this new job JUST because he would (maybe) be able to spend more time with me then. But I know how it works, he will get wrapped up in the new job and there probably still won't be time for me. I started crying and told him I just can't wait any longer. I am almost 31 and I want to get married and have kids. He told me (and my jaw about hit the floor) wow this is the first time I've ever heard you say you wanted kids, you DON"T want kids, if you do then why did you wait so long (he's implying I'm too old to have kids). Now i have told him I won't have kids with him the way he works so much NOW. I have "waited so long" because we are NOT married and he works so much so why would I have kids with him if we are not even married? He also says he told me this year (was end of last year) to set a date for this year (to get married) and I haven't. Well duh of course not! I barely see him enough to tell him what's going on in my life so why would I want to be planning a wedding with him when I'm miserable and lonely as it is??? He says he's been happy and doesn't understand why I think things are so bad. I told him how neglected I feel and that basically if I were the type of person who thought affairs were ok (I don't) I could have an entire other relationship outside of ours and I'd still be home by the time he was every night (to illustrate how little time we actually spend together) Ok I just re-read your post, and sorry to say it - he's a jerk. You are not too old to have kids! But I agree with you, you need to either be with the father of those kids now, or move on to find him! don't end up like me - I wanted kids desperately when I was younger - now I'm too old (in my opinion, no biologically). It is clear to me he is very happy and comfortable with the way things are. A small part of that is your fault, you've clearly made him happy and he doesn't want anything to change. However just as clear (at least to me) is that you NEED things to change. I will tell you that you are a bit ahead of me. I have told my b/f how I feel, but I refuse to be made into a nag - so I don't bring it up often. So he must think the problem went away (NOT). At least you are able to tell him that things are bothering you. Good for you!
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