donnist Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 My girlfriend says she feels she cannot trust me because when we first started dating (a little over a year ago) she asked me about a particular female and if we had anything going on. I told her no and we kept things moving. Now recently she found old emails of me flirting with the girl. Nothing that says we made out or had sex but just BS talking like, "Whats for lunch??? You followed by "you're so silly, no really where are we going for lunch?". This particular person had no interest in me or me in her but we did occasionally exchange "flirt-like" words. I had a girlfriend at the time and she had a boyfriend and we weren't doing anything but that. But my present girlfriend thinks I lied to her because now after she checked my email behind my back and questions me: not about the emails but about the relationship the girl and I had. I told her that we flirted. So since my answers were different from when we started going out to the present she's calling me a liar. In my defense, nothing was going on... and to avoid confrontation/ jealousy so early our relationship I told her nothing was going on. Should I have said that shes a friend and we occasionally flirt?
sally4sara Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Yes you should have said that. Everyone likes to feel like they are entering a situation knowing all the current circumstances they are being shown are genuine. Maybe she would have not wanted to start anything with you knowing you had friendships with women you flirted with. Now she feels like you made that decision for her. Is it realistic of her to believe anyone enters a relationship knowing ALL details of someone you just met? NO. She needs to get over it.
showupbutbroken Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Why is she checking your email? If you look hard enough, you will find what you are looking for. People flirt but there are some trust issues here if she got into your email and then took the time to go that far back.
Ariadne Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 My girlfriend says she feels she cannot trust me...Should I have said that shes a friend and we occasionally flirt? It's still shocking to me that there are girls like this, and that guys actually date them. So, she digged into your email and found that you said to some girl "what's for lunch?". Someone that you never had anything to do with.. And now she's accusing you of cheating? Wow. Just wow.
Owl Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 There is a reason why your gf is so insecure about this that she checks your email and suspects that you're cheating. Either your actions have her concerned, or there's been a history of cheating in her prior relationships.
twice_shy Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 It's still shocking to me that there are girls like this, and that guys actually date them. So, she digged into your email and found that you said to some girl "what's for lunch?". Someone that you never had anything to do with.. And now she's accusing you of cheating? Wow. Just wow. It wasn't "what's for lunch?" it was "where are we going for lunch?".
twice_shy Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 In my defense, nothing was going on... and to avoid confrontation/ jealousy so early our relationship I told her nothing was going on. Nothing was going on.........yet. Thats the nature of internet flirting. Its all words until it leads up to more. Should I have said that shes a friend and we occasionally flirt? No, you shouldn't be trying to lay the groundwork for more later with this other girl. Why don't you just dump your gf if you feel the need to flirt with another?
Lookingforward Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I think we should all just live in separate caves and never talk in ANY way to ANYbody of the opposite gender...then we can't ever be accused of doing anything "suspect" won't that be fun ??
Lookingforward Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 and no you're not "cheating" and you weren't then...........either SHE needs to get over herself or just maybe you need to find a NEW gf that doesn't think it's okay to go snooping through your personal email...........
soda Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Lookingforward -- I think you've got it all wrong. I think that if you're doing something that you'd be willing to do in front of your SO. Would you flirt in front of your SO?
Nevermind Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 You should talk to her, ask her why she read your e-mail. If she has a reason, try to work on it together. If she doesn't, let her go. Stop flirting with other girls when in a relationship.
Lookingforward Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Lookingforward -- I think you've got it all wrong. I think that if you're doing something that you'd be willing to do in front of your SO. Would you flirt in front of your SO? Hello...this was a YEAR ago..........and yes I do 'flirt' and fwiw I don't see a new g/f as a significant other - not at that point anyway......
OWoman Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Now recently she found old emails of me flirting with the girl. Nothing that says we made out or had sex but just BS talking like, "Whats for lunch??? You followed by "you're so silly, no really where are we going for lunch?". That's flirting? I'd call that banter, silliness, joking around... But flirting? No way! I must say I share Ariadne's view on that. I wouldn't want to date someone with the intellectual / emotional age of a pre-teen. And ANYONE who snoops in my email is dead! This chick has been with you just over a hear and she feels she owns you? To quote Ariadne, "Wow. Just wow."
Lookingforward Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 That's flirting? I'd call that banter, silliness, joking around... But flirting? No way! I must say I share Ariadne's view on that. I wouldn't want to date someone with the intellectual / emotional age of a pre-teen. And ANYONE who snoops in my email is dead! This chick has been with you just over a hear and she feels she owns you? To quote Ariadne, "Wow. Just wow." Actually, you're right "where are we going for lunch" isn't exactly 'flirting' LOL
lexi29 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Actually, you're right "where are we going for lunch" isn't exactly 'flirting' LOL No, but "whats for lunch? YOU?" is flirting. There has to be some reason your girlfriend is going through your email (as in she has real or imagined reasons to suspect you of being up to no good) because for her to just suddenly start reading your email after a year of not doing so is just strange. She is wrong to read your email and invade your privacy. But I do understand why she is upset. You assured her that you had no interest in this particular female yet she later finds out that you were flirting with her and taking her to lunch. So she learns she can't trust your word. I do realize this is probably just something innocent you did a year ago but if nothing was going on and it was harmless why were you so worried about your girlfriend's reaction to the situation that you basically told a white lie to hide what really happened?
Lookingforward Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 No, but "whats for lunch? YOU?" is flirting. There has to be some reason your girlfriend is going through your email (as in she has real or imagined reasons to suspect you of being up to no good) because for her to just suddenly start reading your email after a year of not doing so is just strange. She is wrong to read your email and invade your privacy. But I do understand why she is upset. You assured her that you had no interest in this particular female yet she later finds out that you were flirting with her and taking her to lunch. So she learns she can't trust your word. I do realize this is probably just something innocent you did a year ago but if nothing was going on and it was harmless why were you so worried about your girlfriend's reaction to the situation that you basically told a white lie to hide what really happened? Most 'flirting' is harmless - it's just a way to oil the social interaction wheels.....people need to loosen their wrapping a little, I swear
Owl Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Most 'flirting' is harmless - it's just a way to oil the social interaction wheels.....people need to loosen their wrapping a little, I swear And THIS is where people who've not been through the pain of being betrayed don't "get" those that have. Flirting is NOT harmless...ask all those BS's out there who've been dealt the pain of having that flirting escalated to an actual affair. It happens all the time. It often does lead to something further, especially later in a relationship when the "honeymoon" is over. Its easy to justify flirting and say its harmless if you've never been in a relationship destroyed by it. Once you've been through that...you learn that lesson the hard way. Flirting is just bad boundaries. Bad boundaries very, VERY often lead to cheating later. You're right, this is just a 'gf/bf' thing at the moment. But...to me, another part of the whole 'gf/bf' relationship is that its a trial run for marriage later. If he's flirting now, when things are great because of the lack of pressure and the newness of the relationship...what does that bode for a marriage??? Just somethings to think about... To the OP...why do YOU think your gf is so insecure about this? Do you think she's been hurt in the past? Has there been a history of things that give her reason to be distrustful?
Lookingforward Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 And THIS is where people who've not been through the pain of being betrayed don't "get" those that have. Flirting is NOT harmless...ask all those BS's out there who've been dealt the pain of having that flirting escalated to an actual affair. It happens all the time. It often does lead to something further, especially later in a relationship when the "honeymoon" is over. Its easy to justify flirting and say its harmless if you've never been in a relationship destroyed by it. Once you've been through that...you learn that lesson the hard way. Flirting is just bad boundaries. Bad boundaries very, VERY often lead to cheating later. You're right, this is just a 'gf/bf' thing at the moment. But...to me, another part of the whole 'gf/bf' relationship is that its a trial run for marriage later. If he's flirting now, when things are great because of the lack of pressure and the newness of the relationship...what does that bode for a marriage??? Just somethings to think about... To the OP...why do YOU think your gf is so insecure about this? Do you think she's been hurt in the past? Has there been a history of things that give her reason to be distrustful? fine, whatever - like I said earlier - let's just all live in caves with no interaction whatsoever and all will be right with the world - sheesh
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 You assured her that you had no interest in this particular female yet she later finds out that you were flirting with her and taking her to lunch. So she learns she can't trust your word. I do realize this is probably just something innocent you did a year ago but if nothing was going on and it was harmless why were you so worried about your girlfriend's reaction to the situation that you basically told a white lie to hide what really happened? I couldn't have put it better. If there's nothing to hide, there's no reason to lie.
Owl Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 If you're so incapable of finding a compromise with someone, a cave might well suit you. Personally, I've found communication seems to be the best alternative. Instead of going to the cave...why not discuss with your SO what boundaries should be, why, and come up with a compromise. I forget, LF...what was YOUR role in the 'affair triangle'? Its clear you're not a BS...
Lookingforward Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 If you're so incapable of finding a compromise with someone, a cave might well suit you. Personally, I've found communication seems to be the best alternative. Instead of going to the cave...why not discuss with your SO what boundaries should be, why, and come up with a compromise. I forget, LF...what was YOUR role in the 'affair triangle'? Its clear you're not a BS... Is it ? Maybe there WAS no "affair triangle" - ever considered THAT possibility? I don't need to discuss any boundaries with an SO - I thought we were posting to the OP........
OWoman Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 what was YOUR role in the 'affair triangle'? Is that like the Bermuda Triangle? Wormhole to another dimension....
Lookingforward Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Is that like the Bermuda Triangle? Wormhole to another dimension.... Probably - sometimes I feel like I'm falling down the rabbit hole here I swear - now even harmless flirting is OFF limits (danger will robinson) as are mere bf/gf LOL
OWoman Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I think we should all just live in separate caves and never talk in ANY way to ANYbody of the opposite gender... I quite like the idea of caves. And no talking. Just animal grunts after you've dragged some passing guy int by his hair and decided to have your way with him. Works for me...
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