ButtHead Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I've been broken up for about 6 months now, but we've kept in contact pretty much like best friends. She's already seeing someone else, but she and I both want to stay friends because we agreed we're both important to each other. I like spending time with her and I still love to see her smile and all that jazz that I shouldn't be feeling. The only problem is, I'm getting hit with a double whammy every time I see her. I get the 2nd most painful feeling in my life almost every time (seeing her with someone else) and the most painful feeling in my life every time (I lose her). I cannot stop this and I don't want to. I THINK I'm getting better because I don't break down as often. I've gotten as long as 4 days before I start thinking about how much I love her and how much I want it back. At the same time, I'm constantly telling myself self-motivational things such as - I'm the best, she doesn't know what she's missing, I can do better, etc. Tell me a better way to do things or I'll keep on truckin.
l0stMike Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I'd say keep on truckin' until you can truck no longer, but honestly man, how does it make you feel to be her friend when you know inside that its not what you want? I respect the strength and self-composure you have when you're around her as far as keeping all those repressed, bubbling emotions inside of you. I only had one night between my ex and I where we were just civil human beings. Other than that, it just was a drunk tearfest for both of us, and it sucks. I don't think her and I could ever be friends. That thought has crossed my mind countless times, but the only reason I ever think of considering it is because it might lead me to my ultimate goal...her. But, in the end, we both know what we had and when we see each other, all those memories and feelings flood our brains in a tsunami-like wave as much as we want to block them out. It's hard being friends when that happens. If it doesn't make you feel like that, which is clearly not the case from what you just said, then more power to you. But it does to everyone, and for you guys to be friends, well, I don't know if its possible/healthy for either of you, but you especially because you're still thinking like the heartbroken lover. Don't run yourself into the ground like that, no matter how many times you give yourself the "pick yourself up, you're better than that" speech. Sometimes, in order to take a step forward, you need to take a step back.
BillClam Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 It can be hard when the ex remains a constant presence in the life, yet he or she doesn't want you in the same capacity they did at one point. It can be confusing, and downright hurtful, trying to figure out why things work out the way they did. I've seen people go out of their way to be with their ex, in fact, my ex had exes who did just that, and I could tell it outright hurt them. Alot of people would argue going NC, that an ex must be dropped for you to heal, and perhaps that's true for some cases, you must ask if it's true for you. Maybe backing off might be a good thing, not entirely, but so that you can stand on your own two feet. Self motivation is a good thing, and it's important to remember that you are indeed a good person. You've shown maturity by sticking it out for her, and being there for her, even after breaking up. While most people (myself included) just don't truly know what steps to take, you've taken some steps. Still loving her isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you still have feelings for this person. When it stops being love, and becomes more "caring", than you will truly have a great friendship. For now, keep looking out for yourself, if you feel you have improving to do, do it! Best of luck to you.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Still loving her isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you still have feelings for this person. When it stops being love, and becomes more "caring", than you will truly have a great friendship.Well stated BillClam. ButtHead just make sure you are ready to be a friend. Don't put yourself in a position to be hurt. Above all be honest with yourself about your motivation with her. Keep your focus on the future not on a romantic relationship that is over and you'll be fine.
sultry33 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I've been broken up for about 6 months now, but we've kept in contact pretty much like best friends. She's already seeing someone else, but she and I both want to stay friends because we agreed we're both important to each other. I like spending time with her and I still love to see her smile and all that jazz that I shouldn't be feeling. The only problem is, I'm getting hit with a double whammy every time I see her. I get the 2nd most painful feeling in my life almost every time (seeing her with someone else) and the most painful feeling in my life every time (I lose her). I cannot stop this and I don't want to. I THINK I'm getting better because I don't break down as often. I've gotten as long as 4 days before I start thinking about how much I love her and how much I want it back. At the same time, I'm constantly telling myself self-motivational things such as - I'm the best, she doesn't know what she's missing, I can do better, etc. Tell me a better way to do things or I'll keep on truckin. i really feel for you, i know myself that i could not be his friend if he was loving someone else.. that would mean he did not love me.. this must be tortue for you and to be honest.. except friendship what do you aim to get out of this? in order to miss you, see what she is missing.. i think you need to STOP.. sorry but i can only see this as an unhappy situation for you.. YOU are the one that needs to think of you now.. sometimes friendship can be there.. obtainable but not in the 1st stages.. many months down the line normally.. i know its hard but please think carefully as no matter how you hide it the other party will see the hurt.. on another note, i dont think i could see my ex if i had moved on.. be like rubbing salt in the wound.. hugs to you
Author ButtHead Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 Well stated BillClam. ButtHead just make sure you are ready to be a friend. Don't put yourself in a position to be hurt. Above all be honest with yourself about your motivation with her. Keep your focus on the future not on a romantic relationship that is over and you'll be fine. I'm trying not to think about that and only that I'm lucky to have a friend that I love. this must be tortue for you and to be honest.. except friendship what do you aim to get out of this? in order to miss you, see what she is missing.. i think you need to STOP.. sorry but i can only see this as an unhappy situation for you.. YOU are the one that needs to think of you now.. It was really painful, but I was able to not show it until she left. It still hurts, but I haven't shed a tear in awhile. sometimes friendship can be there.. obtainable but not in the 1st stages.. many months down the line normally.. I think I messed that up. I've kept in contact for the past 6 months. At one point, I was really needy, but that's no longer me. I'm doing this because I think it's possible and she really wants my friendship. Who is going to NOT do something for someone they love? I'd like to stay friends as well and I know I probably won't get anything more. It's a sad situation, but I think it's fitting. I want to know that I'm strong enough to take it all. Of course, sometimes I get depressed and I hit the forums and you guys make me feel better. Even the most simple things said or even acknowledgment can mean a lot. Back to work, I'm on my lunch. BTW, I usually rub salt and alcohol on all of my wounds.
Zebraheaded1 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 It's very tough to stay friends with an ex, but if you think it can be worthwhile (and it can be!), then do what you can. I was in a four year relationship that ended due to our both being too stubborn to allow either one of us to sacrifice our chosen route of education...so she ended up in Oregon, me in Boston. We stayed best friends, and honestly...it was hard for a long time. It's been 6 years now since it ended, and Id say I've only been fine the last two. Before that it was usually tough...especially when she was in a very serious three-year relationship. But...I perservered through the tough times, and stayed my obligation as her best friend...even to the point of giving her relationship advice. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I know it's not typical. But it can work. We're still best friends. One of the turning points I had...it was almost like a light switch was the following realization: The person I was in love with hasn't existed for four-plus years. She's grown and matured into the close friend that I now have. Yes, I love her...but I'm not in love with her. Neither of us are that exact person anymore. This is what's right for whom we both are now. I'll be forever grateful that I never gave up on our friendship (and likewise her), and though it took a lot of crying, a lot of pining, and a few breaks of a few months not speaking...it was all worth it. Just be confident. If her current relationship is good, try to be happy for her. Say it. Actually say "I want her to do what makes her happy." For a while I was saying this to friends who would ask how I was doing. After a little while it stopped being a half-truth, and became honest. Good luck man, there's always light at the end. Be grateful you have someone in your life whom also feels strongly enough about your relationship to put in the effort after the romance is gone.
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