pickingupthepieces Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Hey guys! I have a question.. that I think I know the answer to, but I would appreciate everyones HONEST opinioin. Is it ALWAYS beet to remain in NC.... at all times. I broke... which I don't know if I actually regret or not. I mean I have times where I am going crazy.. which I was like before with the NC. I like talking to him... is it possible to be friends with someone you love and still move on? Ok I'm starting to laugh just reading what I wrote. I dont know how to explain my situation.. We arn't together, we arn't going to be together...Maybe I'm just tryng to hang on to "something". I know this may seem like a silly question.. I just can't help but ask it though! Thanks!
LikeCharlotte Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 No. I think you are still hurting and need to take some time but NC is not for every situation. I have an unpopular opinion on this matter but I have successfully maintained good friendships with most of my ex's. The trick is to take time to heal separately, don't hurt yourself or him, be honest with how you are feeling and start treating the ex as a friend. You cannot be friends if one or both of you isn't healed or has residual feelings. I have always found that I do better with changing the nature of the relationship to friendship. Many people say exs are exs for a reason. I say you were with them for a reason and if you like someone why not make it into a positive thing? It's not always right and like all friendships it takes time, patience and both people have to want it. Don't do it just because you think you need the ex to help you heal. You will be better off if you heal on your own and then decide.
Author pickingupthepieces Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 I too, have remained friends with most of my exes... they are still special to me for their own reasons. Should I explain that I would just like to be friends to him after we are actually healed and are done exchanging the "I love you's" etc...so we arn't leading eachother on? I think it is best to be straight up and forward with him on the issue instead of it being a guessing game between the two us....
LikeCharlotte Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I think it is best to be straight up and forward with him on the issue instead of it being a guessing game between the two us....I totally agree. Honesty is always better than a game. You are on the right track. Just don't hurt yourself. This particular path is a little tricky but it sounds like you know that. You already have your answer. It takes a strong person to move on and make something positive happen.
Author pickingupthepieces Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 Thanks.. I wasn't expecting someone to understand! I epected the usual..let him die kind of answer. I DO have to be careful... so I was thinking one convo saying what I want thenmaybe touching base in a month or two after we have some time ... I guess I shouldn't put a timeline on it though... because everything has its own pace.. I just don't want to be friends TOO soon..
LikeCharlotte Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I just don't want to be friends TOO soon..You will know when the hard part is really over and you can move it to something new, just make sure he is in the same place. My ex ex and I started talking pretty regularly a month after he moved out we were both still hurting but we avoided all sensitive subjects for about 6 months. Those subjects included new love interests and the failure of our 5-6 year relationship. We healed independently and kept our conversations light and positive. I even went to his housewarming for his new place. He consoled me when my cat passed away. If something was touchy or difficult we just told one another. Friends have respect for each other above all. We were both never completely selfish in our motivations and remained considerate. I count myself very lucky to have him as a friend.
fran82 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 hey, ive been asking myself the very same question, ive asked it a thread on this very site too. (dumper - rights - re nc rule). since everyone was so good to me and help me so much, id be happy to try to help with what they've all taught me no situation is the same, so ultimately its down to how strong you feel, but while thinking of what you need, you have to consider what ever you ex may be feeling too. nc is good i think if you've been hurt in a bad way, like cheated on or something like that, its helps you to grow back your self esteem. but if your split was more friendly, like more of a timing issue, then i do think its very possible to become friends. Like Charlotte helped me realize this! (thank you LC) i havent managed this yet, but talking to everyone here, helped me clear up what i really wanted for my post relationship, relationship. the answers are insider of you good luck, hugs
Trialbyfire Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 My opinion is that NC is an awesome coping tool, for either party, regardless if you're the one distancing yourself or not. Sure, it can be painful but you move on faster. I just don't see the need for contact. If you're hurting, you grab a pair of pull-ups and suck it up. Not everyone is of the same opinion, of course. Part of the reason why some disagree is that they use NC for all the wrong reasons, such as a way to get your ex to miss and want you back. BAD, BAD use of NC, as it's very manipulative. Some people also need to wean themselves off from the other person by maintaining lesser contact. While this can be a way to prolong the separation anxiety, it works well for some.
northstar1 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 hey, ive been asking myself the very same question, ive asked it a thread on this very site too. (dumper - rights - re nc rule). since everyone was so good to me and help me so much, id be happy to try to help with what they've all taught me no situation is the same, so ultimately its down to how strong you feel, but while thinking of what you need, you have to consider what ever you ex may be feeling too. nc is good i think if you've been hurt in a bad way, like cheated on or something like that, its helps you to grow back your self esteem. but if your split was more friendly, like more of a timing issue, then i do think its very possible to become friends. Like Charlotte helped me realize this! (thank you LC) i havent managed this yet, but talking to everyone here, helped me clear up what i really wanted for my post relationship, relationship. the answers are insider of you good luck, hugs I am only in day 3 of NC , and it's hard as well. Our relationship did not end because of not being compatible or fighting, but rather due to an unknown of amount of time it would be an LDR - which we both knew we could not do. It's hard to not want to reach out and contact her, but I also know that in order for me to heal and get back focused on my own goals and to move on, NC is the best route. But damn it's hard.
GodofNietzsche Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 You are making a very smart move. Hard, but ultimately the right thing to do. My personal experience has lead me to believe that if you break up, don't communicate for a while. How long that "while" is, I cannot say. When my ex and I broke up, it was because I was going abroad for 8 months. We kept up contact (a lot) for the first 4 months. When I came back for winter break, I visited her for a week, only to have her say (at the end) "ok, this time I really need to start getting over you", and two months later, she feel out of love with me. She directly had to deal with the break-up, where I didn't have to. We kept up contact after winter break, but only once every 2 or 3 weeks. Because I was in another country, constantly dealing with living in another culture, I could put my feelings on the shelf. When I came back, she started contacting me a lot (4 times in one week). I was not trying to contact her at all. When she called me, I spilled the beans: I still had feelings for her. Very stupid, but I felt like there was no future possibility to say what I felt. I took a chance and it failed. Her response was horrible: I'm a #hore now. No joke, that's what she said. I was heart broken. Because I kept up contact, I kept up hope. Please don't do it. Unless you guys are able to make plans for the future, know that it is over. Sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie.
0hpenelope Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 No, NC's not always the best way to go. It takes a strong person to walk away and stay gone. It takes a strong person to turn something negative into something positive - like stay friends. The only weakness (and it's totally my personal opinion) I see in these boards is when we don't break the pattern of doing things that are harmful to ourselves - ie. staying in touch with someone who doesn't care anymore when we still care. Then it starts spreading into other things like daily routine, concentration on work, maintaining a regular eating schedule, etc. Bad, bad. There's no "right" or wrong here. It just so happens that the general consensus is No Contact is the way to go for most of us because we need to focus on healing ourselves. We don't feel better when one hand is still on top of a stove top that's turned on. Ouch. When you need to, walk away and keep walking. When you're ready to, talk to your ex and keep in touch. All on you.
motive2002 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 If you're hurting, you grab a pair of pull-ups and suck it up. Ugh, you sound just like my ex in that sentence, of course I can see where you're trying to be helpful. The ex on the other hand had a grotesque lack of compassion for other human beings. "Just suck it up!" she'd say. Sounds like something Lucy Van Pelt would say at her 5 cent psychiatry stand. (if you can remember the reference) Heh, Charlie Brown, now there was a neurotic fellow, hehe.
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Ugh, you sound just like my ex in that sentence, of course I can see where you're trying to be helpful. The ex on the other hand had a grotesque lack of compassion for other human beings. "Just suck it up!" she'd say. Sounds like something Lucy Van Pelt would say at her 5 cent psychiatry stand. (if you can remember the reference) Heh, Charlie Brown, now there was a neurotic fellow, hehe. Just sharing what I personally do, to move on. I prefer the pink pull ups, because it makes it appear that I'm a tiny bit compassionate.
Author pickingupthepieces Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Thanks... Fran.. I read your thread and think thats what actually got me thinking about all of this! The thing is I'm the dumpee... but still feel guilt. I mean it was completely HIS decision for months I tried to change his mind but realized it just couldn't happen. Now that I think I'm ready to really deal with getting over this I'm scared of the unknown. I have NO idea what he's thinking. We still are close whenever we are together, I told him awhile back I didn't want him to get the wrong idea, when he was confessing his undying love for me. I am scared to pull the 'friend' card on him and have him be hurt. I don't want that either... and if I pull out the NC.... he still will probably be like WTF? At the same time maybe he does want to be just friends AUGH! I DON'T know. We went for breakfast this morning and I didn't know how to bring it up, what to say or if we should discuss this in a public place! So we jsut had your reg normal chit chat, held my hand across the table...I tried to be distant. He walked me to my car and exchanged I love yous and see you laters and that was is. I feel pretty good about my part.. We didn't end in a BAD way... he has issues and well... he didn't even break up with me... his parents kicked me out of our house.. LONG complicated story. It's not that he DIDN'T want to be with me.. its just we couldn't be. When I was constantly contacting him he was distant, cold but not mean.... you know except for the ignoring my calls! LOL I would of too, I was pretty pathetic.. I still can't even believe I acted that way! God- That is what I am scared of .... I don't want him OR me to get hurt! It IS SO hard when you have such feelings for eachother!.. or me for him anyways. SO now I don't know what to do.....
fran82 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 hey there pickingupthepieces, hope you doing okay? i understand exactly what you mean about being scared of the unknown, im so petrified that i'll never get to me my ex ever again (it was a long distance r/ship) and im even more scared that i'll end up a lonly old sinster! lol! i know it sounds ridiculous, it i cant get that thought out of my mind! its sounds like he's affection towards you is confusing your situation, if it was me, (considering that you do both still love each other) i would sit down, somewhere like a park, no one else too close, and ask him honestly what he now sees your relationship as, he's sending you mixed signals. i know he's probably not intending to, he obviously doesnt want to let go either which is really sweet, but it sounds like its mixing up all your feelings for him. be honest with him, tell him how you feel, that now you feel strong enough to accept your not together, but you need him to not confuse you, if he wants to get back with you, then and only then should you "allow" him to hold your hand. if he wants to only be friends, then only do what friends do. about the firnds card thing, dont you mention just being friends, let him tell you what he wants first, then you decide what you can handle. i dont think you "need" to break contact, like LikeCharlotte explained to me in my thread. you need to make the clear move from R/ship -> to -> friendship. if your honest and sincere in how you approach it (and stay strong to yourself) then he should respect you for taking control of your own life. u dont have anything to be guilty about sweetie, sounds like your too nice for your own good i think you've been incredibly forgiving of him, allowing him so close again, just be careful to not let your heart doing all the talking for the next while. i hope this helps you at least a bit, these times are the most confusing, so if you do talk to him, just try to remember what "really" you want hugs
carrotgirl Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I prefer the pink pull ups, because it makes it appear that I'm a tiny bit compassionate. Yah. The pink ones really get me hot! OP, My ex (GD) and I have been on again off again for a while now, since winter. I didn't wind up getting much choice about NC since right after the break my ex started working with me at my company. I might not have tried it anyway, but we'll never know. At a certain point last winter I tied NC within the bounds of what was doable with a coworker and it didn't help me as much as I liked to think it did at the time. In fact, I think it was probably a bad thing for my emotional well-being. In terms of "winning" an ex back, I think NC is crap for the feeble. Certainly in my case, the limited contact I allowed only sucked up my own time and energy avoiding the guy and it pissed GD off. It did NOT make him like me or want me more. The best thing I can say about NC is that it's a decision you can make and re-make as you need. Just like a lot of other life decisions, you can go at your own pace, all in, partly in or not at all. Good luck! Carrot
Author pickingupthepieces Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Well... I'm OK. We had breakfast on Thursday ... then I missed him, like REALLY bad so I called him on Friday and he came over when I was done work. It was the usual... He had plans the next day and so did I. I made an ass out of myself. He never answered his phone, but I left messages! AWFUL.. So he called me Monday after he got the messages right after work, I apologized and told him that I had had a REALLY rough night! He said it was fine he probably would of been calling me too, if he had been awake... So then I call that night, no answer, so call in the AM and ask him if he wants to go for lunch... he says sure. While we are having lunch he is REALLY weird.. is barely even looking at me, and keeps bringing up this guy friend that went out with us on Saturday. I guess I had accidently drunk texted him instead of someone else and gave him the impression that I was with this guy, which I wasn't. Well he didn't come straight out and say thats what he thought. So we were done and it was a little uncomfortable. He called me like 5 min later asking why I never waved when he drove by?!?? So I don't know if he's mad, jealous, or just wants nothing to do with me now. I tried to call today but got no answer. I even texted him and said I was never with him (not that I needed to explain myself). I just don't know what to do. I figure I'll just leave him alone for awhile.. because we have been spending ALOT of time together compared to before. I just hope I didn't through away a friendship with a stupid text message. I feel horrible becasue I think it hurt him... or, I don't know. PLEASE any suggestions on how to approach this now? I don't want to sufficate him, but he is a really good friend and don't want to lose him.
Author pickingupthepieces Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 I never thought of winning him back after our month of NC.... but I really do have these feelings still that I don't know hwta to do with... I mean I already tried to get back with him once... I can't do that again.. I WILL NOT chase him etc... I am just really enjoying the time I do spend with him..
sid3 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Yep I agree with T. It's how you think about N/C that makes the difference. You can spend your time moving on or you can spend your time pining. It's really up to you.
ioncebelieved Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 You can spend your time moving on or you can spend your time pining. It's really up to you. That's damn truth!!!! A while back like a fool I would try N/C because It gave the stupid hope that she would get with the program. Now I try it to move on with my wonderful life that she is so missing and someone else special will get to enjoy!!! I am honestly starting to see IT IS HER LOSS!!!! N/C I think is best when you are trying to get over someone not get them back. After all I have done it for both reasons.
foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 In my opinion NC is the ONLY way. That is, if your goal is to get the old you back, get your confidence back, self esteem back, your life back, your future back. If you are doing it for the ex, you will probably fail, IMO. Been there and done it folks, As someone else said ( Kizik I think) If they wanted to be with us, they would be. As soon as I got that through my thick skull, I was back and my life and attitude are back. Life is too friggin short and I will not waste another second on someone that doesn't want to be with me.
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