Jersey Shortie Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 So I have recently met this guy that I rather like so far. We have only been out 3 times. But on the 2nd date he told me he has "trust issues". (Okay if anyone is familiar with my posts we know I have them but I digress). When a man tells you he has "trust issues"...errr what exactly is he trying to tell me? Because when I tell a guy I have trust issues I am trying to tell him to be "careful" with me. And I want him to know that I want to trust him but it's going to be hard and I might be a pain in the butt sometimes. So what does it mean when a guy says it? And is open about it so early?
monkey00 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 So I have recently met this guy that I rather like so far. We have only been out 3 times. But on the 2nd date he told me he has "trust issues". (Okay if anyone is familiar with my posts we know I have them but I digress). When a man tells you he has "trust issues"...errr what exactly is he trying to tell me? Because when I tell a guy I have trust issues I am trying to tell him to be "careful" with me. And I want him to know that I want to trust him but it's going to be hard and I might be a pain in the butt sometimes. So what does it mean when a guy says it? And is open about it so early? I dunno, sounds like he may have been cheated on before...or has a rough time building proper relationships with people in general.
D-Lish Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I think most people have trust issues to some degree... anyone that has been involved in a relationship that hasn't worked out will have difficulty handing their heart to future partners. I don't think I would read into it too much. I think it's simply a way of saying- I am a bit guarded. I suspect he feels the same way about it that you do and is just simply letting you know. I'd be more concerned if he said he had committment issues...
Karyyk Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Basically when I tell someone I have "trust issues" (and I have more than my fair share), I'm basically meaning it like you do. As much as I might want to be otherwise, trust is something that's earned. Us guys get hurt too, and it sounds like he's just letting you know up front that he's been hurt before and that it might take some time to be able to open up completely about everything, to be able to trust completely. I'm inclined to believe that he means exactly what you do. Despite the differences between men and women, sometimes we do speak the same language.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 But on the 2nd date he told me he has "trust issues". It means he's either been hurt badly in previous relationships, or it has something to do with his upbringing and childhood. More than likely it's about a previous girlfriend, and my guess is she cheated on him. What you can do is just take it slow, and get to know eachother.
JerseyShortie Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Actually it is both WhichWayIsUp. He was recently cheated on by his ex girlfriend and told me a little about it. I also know that his parents didn't have a happy marriage and were divorced. He lives with his dad and is going to school and working. While he sees his mom, I don't think he has the same relationship with her that he has with his dad. I just actually really like him so far and don't want to mess up and am looking for any signs of more serious interest on his part. I figure if a guy mentions he has "trust issues", he's probably into you because when I say it to guys, it's usually to guys I am romantic about. Heck, we've gone out 3 times already and he hasn't even kissed me yet. We just end up hugging. Despite the differences between men and women, sometimes we do speak the same language. Yeah, this probably happens more then I realize.
Meaplus3 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 So I have recently met this guy that I rather like so far. We have only been out 3 times. But on the 2nd date he told me he has "trust issues". (Okay if anyone is familiar with my posts we know I have them but I digress). When a man tells you he has "trust issues"...errr what exactly is he trying to tell me? Because when I tell a guy I have trust issues I am trying to tell him to be "careful" with me. And I want him to know that I want to trust him but it's going to be hard and I might be a pain in the butt sometimes. So what does it mean when a guy says it? And is open about it so early? My first thought would be that his lack of trust could stem from childhood issues that perhaps made him put up some "walls" so to speak. It's also very possible that he has been hurt in past realtionship's and has a fear of commitment because of it. The fact that he was up front about it so early IMO is a sign that he's beign honest. Good Luck. AP:)
Author Jersey Shortie Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Thanks for the comments. It's funny because I posted this same question on another board and the answers they gave me was that it was a totally bad sign and to ditch him....WHich I don't agree with.
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Then just take it slow and enjoy getting to know eachother. No pressure, let him take the lead when it comes to hand holding, cuddling and kissing. If you like him and think he's worth the effort, then go for it and try to also make HIM feel good about himself, give him little hints here and there about how much you like him. When he talks about his past hurts, sympathize with him, and just reassure him that you are not going to hurt him. (Meaning cheat on him or treat him poorly) Hope this helps.
D-Lish Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I don't think it's a bad sign. Sounds like he is being upfront about things- and I like the advice about taking things slow. I have trust issues as well- like many of us do- but ultimately, I want to be in a loving and trusting relationship with someone.
johan Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I think it would be more weird if he said "I have no problems trusting people."
Karyyk Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Yeah, then he'd more than likely be lying or totally naive.
carhill Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I've made a career out of being hurt by women and, for me anyway, my ability to trust people until they give me good reason not to (I call this the "cup half full theory") likely stems from my childhood, where I felt safe and loved and knew I could always count on my parents. I tend to see others in that same light unless they show me signs to the contrary. IMO, this ability has also given me patience with those who are not so trusting. I don't take their projections on or opinions of me personally, since I believe in myself. So, even when a woman treats me in a way that would otherwise cause me to be wary and distrustful (objectively), I can accept their behavior, take action to enforce my boundaries and then proceed on to the next relationship with a still-open mind. The old adage of not being able to control the behavior of others rather only one's reaction to it has meaning here, I believe. For the OP, ask the gentleman for more specifics about the issues themselves, not their impetus. This will help you gauge his willingness to share his feelings, as well as get you to the heart of the matter so you can take steps to show him your confidence and trustworthiness in a way which is meaningful to him. I believe, if you tackle such issues before both your physical sexual responses take over, it will help the progress of the R as well as make the physical part a much more bonding experience. In any event, I wish you well
Author Jersey Shortie Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 Yes it helps thanks WhichWayIsUp I have trust issues as well- like many of us do- but ultimately, I want to be in a loving and trusting relationship with someone. Me too. I've made a career out of being hurt by women and, for me anyway, my ability to trust people until they give me good reason not to (I call this the "cup half full theory") likely stems from my childhood, where I felt safe and loved and knew I could always count on my parents. I tend to see others in that same light unless they show me signs to the contrary. My cup is half full to..except the other way around. For the OP, ask the gentleman for more specifics about the issues themselves, not their impetus. This will help you gauge his willingness to share his feelings, as well as get you to the heart of the matter so you can take steps to show him your confidence and trustworthiness in a way which is meaningful to him. I believe, if you tackle such issues before both your physical sexual responses take over, it will help the progress of the R as well as make the physical part a much more bonding experience. I think this is good advice and I'll take it. It will be good for me too because I am not always so emotionally open with men myself so it might be good for both of us. The guys I am use to don't usually come out and just directly say what they are feeling. The fact that this guy has, kind of shows me he is a little different then what I am use to.
carhill Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Oh, also, be sure to clearly communicate your fears so he can understand better if you do have angry outbursts (don't know if you do), as anger often/mostly is a response to internal fear. I mean this specifically regarding sharing your emotions with him. The emotion might come out as anger, but if he knows there is fear behind it, he can better empathize and not take the action personally. The hard part IMO, depending on how you were socialized, is understanding and embracing that a man who shares his feelings is not weak; rather, he's open. He can still be just as strong and secure as any other man. Your job is to perceive that reality and embrace it and erase any old tapes you might have from past R's. IMO, true healthy interdependence results from emotional openness and clarity. I see a lot of positives here. My only caution would be, with you fully empathizing with his issues, to set a timeline. Days and weeks can become months and years if you allow them to. At some point, he either needs to embrace your trust and loyalty or not. If he can't do that in a period reasonable to you, you have the responsibility to move on to a more healthy R where those qualities are embraced and valued.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Perhaps in addition to meaning it, he also is warning you that he may be the jealous type.
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