Single Dad w Separation Anxiety

[SingleDad]

My wife (dated for 3.5 years and married another 3.5 years)started divorce proceedings in January 2008 - we moved it to mediation as the divorce was destroying any hope of coordinated future parenting. Now the separation and custody document is ready to be signed today... against my wishes... Yet I'm still in shock over the whole thing. My biggest concern is we have a 2 year old daughter - I continue to be concerned about my daughter's long term future and the impact this will have on her life.

 

While the terms of the document are fair - joint legal and physical custody - I get 6 of every 14 overnights - with me paying appropriate settlement and child support. But I also pay my Ex lump sum cash upfront so she can immediately buy a house. I feel like I am paying for her house (or my daughters 2nd house)and 19 years of mortgage and utility bills and my Ex's new life (maybe even with another man) !!! I am angry that I have effectively no say in the matter - If I don't sign, she'll go back to her attorney and fight for everything. As a child of divorce, she has been through it - and was emotionally spoiled by her divorced parents - I'm wondering if she has always had this in mind if our marriage didn't work. While my father committed suicide over the breakup of his marriage when I was 15 (due to his alcoholism) and I have few good memories of my father in my life - I don't want either scenario to continue into my daughter's life.

 

I am trying to do the right thing - but in my mind that continues to be trying to reconcile - every time I try, she gets angry and more adament to proceed faster to her "new life" where the pastures are greener. She has been pushing and pushing this process along, but I am afraid of starting the 12 month clock.

 

I do not know for sure if she is having an affair - and maybe I do not want to know. Her reason is that I cannot provide nor comprehend "the kind of LOVE she needs" and claims that I am the most selfish person she has ever met... Yet All I have ever done was to provide for my family...but that was never enough... like she expected marrriage to be a perpetual courtship... wouldn't we all ? - Though it takes two for that to happen

 

We have been separated for 2 months before the legal separation begins for another 12 months... I can't stand being forced to be apart from my daughter and wife.

 

How can I reconcile with my soon to be Ex over the next 12 months so a divorce isn't inevitable ?

 

How do I make it up with my daughter ? I have been told that I will be a better father with more focused parental time... But I am scared I won't be good enough or spoil her like my Ex is... and I'm in anguish over all of the time I'll be forced apart from my daughter...

 

And how do I adjust to the life of a single dad ? I have no desire to date elsewhere... I can't comprehend the impact this will have on my daughter... and on my life... for the last 4 months I have been trying to find God for strength, reading the Bible, spiritual books, single dad books, attend church and have two weekly religious based counceling... Yet I keep questioning how anyone can survive the agony of this ?

 

 

 

Advice requested.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Focus on your daughter, forget your ex, the harder you hold on to her the more she will run away. You should get the best possible deal when coming to the divorce. You should not be giving her alimony after that lump sum. Buy her out the house and get that in your name.

 

Your daughter will be a child of divorce, just tell her it isnt what you wanted , it's what her mother wanted. Whatever the fallout her mother is gonna have to answer for it.

 

maybe she is having an affair. but if it doesnt mean much in your jurisdiction then what's the point of making it an issue. But your already past the point of no return.

 

Being a single father sucks that's why I stay away from marriage myself because it seems like woman are more inclined to divorce these days, dont give a damn about the families. It's like a poker game to them, and when they want to cash out they do it and dont care who they hurt.

 

Trust me when the kid grows up they gonna know who's responsible, who was there, who did what. Just be the best father you can be.

[TrustInYourself]

Are you ready for change? The first step is taking control of your life. Stop resisting. Go with the flow. The next step, realize you can not control your wife's actions, feelings, thoughts, behavior. You only have control of your own actions, feelings, thoughts, behavior.

 

I also have a 2 year old daughter. It's hard not to think of the consequences of your wife's decision on your daughters life, but you must have faith. Trust in your own strength and love. You can give your daughter a good, happy, life with her father, but you can't guarantee that same life with her mother. You are only responsible for your actions.

 

Now, if you want to win your wife back the first step is letting go of your anger, your neediness. You have to realize that you are going to be just fine without your wife. She's a desire, not a need. The next step is to be positive about the situation. Look for the bright side and don't dwell on the negative. Emotions will drive you crazy, so restrain your fierce feelings and focus on being rational and in control of yourself.

 

Tell your wife, that you respect her decision and that you will be here for her if she ever decides to communicate with you. Do not stop her. Do not argue, just agree. Listen without saying a word. Look her in the eyes and try and understand through your actions. These are the keys to unlocking what's really going on inside her.

 

Anyways, let me know how it goes. I guess I could do a numbered list, but this is more a mindset rather than a list of directions.

[quankanne]

Just be the best father you can be.

 

don't underestimate your child – she'll be able to see through BS promises and things of that nature, and she'll more than appreciate you dealing fairly and honestly with her as she grows up. My guess is that because your soon-to-be ex is a child of divorce, she's going to equate "love" with material goods. And may just do her best to flap her mouth about just what a jerk you are. Take the high road. Don't say anything negative about your ex, but just be as fair and as loving and supportive of daughter's relationship with mother. Little kids have really good innate shxt-detectors and she's going to be able to tell the difference between sincerety and BS. Trust me on this, you want to be the upfront, open, honest one here, even if it's a hard thing to do. Because one day your little one is going to come to the conclusion of how things *really* are and will appreciate the kind of dad you'll have been. Have seen this first-hand with both my sisters on how to do divorce right and how to do it wrong.

 

as for dating ... well, don't fret so much about it, but give yourself time to heal from your broken marriage. When you are meant to meet someone, God will put her in your path. So just focus on you and on your child for as long as you need.

[SingleDad]

I appreciate everyone's advice... Harder to do than to say.

 

The separation agreement is scheduled to be signed at 5:30 pm today - right before Father's day weekend - will make this weekend very difficult - also my Ex requested my daughter on Sat. (my scheduled weekend) as my Ex's father is in town to celebrate Father's day with my Ex and granddaughter. I was being nice and agreed.

 

The reasons my Ex. has given me for the separation/divorce is:

 

1. I cannot understand or comprehend the kind of LOVE she needs

2. I am selfish

3. We were never even friends

4. She is in so much pain from the lack of love and atttention

 

I don't agree that these points are true - after 5 years of being together we had a child intentionallly - would we have had a child if we didn't love each other to start a family ?

 

Trouble is as my family and friends have told me is that it is because of her controlling nature over my daughter especially that prevents people from being close to the Ex. (her controlling nature has become prevalent in the last year - demanding she be raised her Ex's way) - and led our relationship to where it is now... Ex can't see it that way... Indstead it is all because of my problems !!!

 

 

TrustInYourself... I'd actually like to see your itemized list of steps to reconcile... So now I will have 365 days to become "friends" or more.

 

Now More importantly I have to focus on my daughter and take it day by day. This is also a challenge... How do I do it ? My emotions are so overwhelming... I want to do the best I can... the terrible 2's sometimes make it very diffficult to feel I am doing my best... I am not very creative in coming up with activities for her to play.

[quankanne]

just follow your little one's lead, and at age two, her likes/desires are simple. Toy and book stores are great about labeling goods by age range, so you can pick up simple books or toys (blocks, puzzles, dolls, etc) to play with. And don't under estimate the thrill of an empty box big enough for her to sit in! My little buddy and I used to love when our parents bought appliances because a washing machine box became a clubhouse or rocket, and lasted a long, long time (unless it rained, lol).

 

coloring books and crayons are another favorite, because little kids just l-u-v to draw and create. Dress up is another fun activity, though I think i tends to be more the favorite of little girls than little boys.

 

if you're in the States, look to see if there is a Parents Anonymous chapter in your city/close-by. They're really great about helping parents in raising their kids by giving ideas and classes on how to do just that. Or look into a nursery school or even Sunday nursery program at church for ideas on how to create a fun learning environment for your little one.

 

there are also books on how to keep your children entertained, broken into age levels. I know I've bought some for my sister and her grandkids and they've liked them.

[Mr. Lucky]

The reasons my Ex. has given me for the separation/divorce is:

 

1. I cannot understand or comprehend the kind of LOVE she needs

2. I am selfish

3. We were never even friends

4. She is in so much pain from the lack of love and atttention

 

I don't agree that these points are true

Unfortunately, SingleDad, you're still in the denial stage of the break-up. Your "agreement" as to whether the points regarding her feelings are true isn't even relevant. She feels what she feels and not only doesn't your opinion matter, but your stated objections to what she's doing will only increase the tension and arguements. Trust me, been there, done that...

 

As other have said, simply focus on your daughter. Don't worry about tomorrow, just do today the best you can. You'll be amazed at the different perspective the passage of some time will provide. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SingleDad]

Yes I probably am in denial - shellshock - or at least having the belief that the Ex will se the light and realize she is the one being selfish - and not thinking about the impact on our daughter long term. Ex is only looking day by day.

 

I am amazed at how easy it is in this society to change your mind about marriage and get out for a "better life" even when children are involved. It wasn't that way even 20 years ago.

 

I do play with my daughter everytime we are together - town park right behind my house, walk the dogs, read books before bed, etc. I've gone to several block sales to pick up as many clothes and toys and games as possible. Went to Allegany Nature excursion last weekend I had her... always trying to think of local inexpensive activities to do. It just never seems to be enough to make up for what she'll lose with divorced parents.

[quankanne]

depends on what you mean by "lose" ... not having both parents under the same roof? I love my daddy, but he was a pure-D jackass to my mother, and I cannot tell you the number I times I wished they divorced. But being good Mexican Catholics, they stuck it out for 50 years. And a large part of me wishes they hadn't, because she truly deserved someone less selfish than him. I've even told her in my adult years that if he'd been *my* husband, I'd have killed him a long, long time ago, and that I didn't see how she put up with him. But she loved him, to the point of subjugating herself to him. And no child wants to see the mama or daddy they love being treated like that, you know?

 

should your divorce come through and your spouse not mature the way it sounds like she should, being in different households ain't gonna make one bit of difference to your little one. Unless of course, she's unhappy living with her mother and wants to be with you because it's just too stressful otherwise.

 

I do play with my daughter everytime we are together - town park right behind my house, walk the dogs, read books before bed, etc. I've gone to several block sales to pick up as many clothes and toys and games as possible. Went to Allegany Nature excursion last weekend I had her... always trying to think of local inexpensive activities to do.

 

sounds like you've made a fantastic head start! Little kid love going on walks and discovering things – find her a sack or pail for her collection of leaves, shells, twigs, rocks, and other things she might find interesting. A bottle of bubbles is always a hit with little kids, so is a cheap magnifying glass to see the microscopic world at her feet. Teach her about birds and the different kinds of flowers and trees. Sing to her. You know, all those fun memory-making things she'll hold close to her heart.

 

as for clothing, you're way ahead of the game seeking out tag sales. Resale or consignment stores are also treasure troves, esp. once you get to know the workers, who sometimes hold stuff for people when they feel they've got a perfect match for the kid. Also get with your friends and family who have kids and arrange a swap of outgrown clothing – this is a particular favorite folks because little kids usually outgrow the clothes faster than they can outwear them. I know a couple of girls at work who do this, as did my sisters and my nieces, and even a few friends. You'd be amazed at some of the good stuff you find. Goodwill is my particular favorite for finding denim for the toddlers in my family.

[SingleDad]

Yes this is a huge change - I never expected to be a single dad raising a 2 year old. I thought I had control in my life... that is until my Ex proved it to me that she can steal that away... But now I am in control over my daughter and not having to do what my Ex tells me to do. But that is where it is new... With the Ex's control, I was just used to doing what she told me to do... Now I have to come up with the ideas.

 

I do play with my daughter everytime we are together and always have - town park right behind my house, walk the dogs, read books before bed, etc. I've gone to several block sales to pick up as many clothes and toys and games as possible. Went to 3 day Allegany Park Nature excursion last weekend I had her... always trying to think of local inexpensive activities to do. It just never seems to be enough to make up for what she'll lose with divorced parents - the guilt and anguish just overwhelms me.

 

Also difficult to plan as I am only at the house when it's my turn with my daughter. I sometimes have to go 3 4 or 5 days without seeing my daughter - may not seem like a lot, but every minute of it is painful. She's too young to really talk on the phone.

[SingleDad]

Thank you quankanne for your help.

 

I know I am doing things right for the most part... Yet I often feel impatient... My daughter always has to do everything herself "I do it". This is such a fast paced time constrained world - I am learning to plan extra time so she can pick flowers on the way to the park, get into the carseat herself, put on her shoes herself, etc. Those things may be more important to her (and should be to me) than getting to the park to play, etc.

 

Also, I have to stop thinking about her future and think about the day to day - take things day by day - and enjoy each little thing each day.

 

It's such an overwhelming change - for a "workaholic, get everything done" person such as myself.

[quankanne]

hee hee ... now you'll discover a whole new facet of "workaholism" in just trying to keep up with her energetic little self! Because it seems like once they find their land legs, they're constantly on the go! But I think you'll do marvelously simply BECAUSE you're so aware of her needs at this point ... and sometimes that's not as easy for guys to do because they're wired to look at things a whole different way ...

 

this may be a corny suggestion, but have you considered maybe keeping a journal for her to read when she gets older? Outlining how you feel about your marriage dissolving, about the challenges of being a single dad and always, always, about how much you love being her father and discovering new things with/through her? It gives her a keepsake to look at over and over when you have to be apart – or when she's faced with her own challenges as a grown-up – and it'll give her insight into this fantastic guy she calls "Daddy." Just a thought.

[SingleDad]

A journal/diary is a fantastic idea... I had planned on writing a letter now to give to her when she is much older to explain my feelings/what happened, etc - but I was concerned it maybe wouldn't say everything or couldn't say everything in one lettter.

 

But a Journal is much better... I can update it on an ongoing basis when I don't have her and read it to myself over the weeks and years... and give it to her somewhat sooner.

 

Maybe I should do both.

[TrustInYourself]

I appreciate everyone's advice... Harder to do than to say.

 

The separation agreement is scheduled to be signed at 5:30 pm today - right before Father's day weekend - will make this weekend very difficult - also my Ex requested my daughter on Sat. (my scheduled weekend) as my Ex's father is in town to celebrate Father's day with my Ex and granddaughter. I was being nice and agreed.

 

The reasons my Ex. has given me for the separation/divorce is:

 

1. I cannot understand or comprehend the kind of LOVE she needs

2. I am selfish

3. We were never even friends

4. She is in so much pain from the lack of love and atttention

 

I don't agree that these points are true - after 5 years of being together we had a child intentionallly - would we have had a child if we didn't love each other to start a family ?

 

Trouble is as my family and friends have told me is that it is because of her controlling nature over my daughter especially that prevents people from being close to the Ex. (her controlling nature has become prevalent in the last year - demanding she be raised her Ex's way) - and led our relationship to where it is now... Ex can't see it that way... Indstead it is all because of my problems !!!

 

 

TrustInYourself... I'd actually like to see your itemized list of steps to reconcile... So now I will have 365 days to become "friends" or more.

 

Now More importantly I have to focus on my daughter and take it day by day. This is also a challenge... How do I do it ? My emotions are so overwhelming... I want to do the best I can... the terrible 2's sometimes make it very diffficult to feel I am doing my best... I am not very creative in coming up with activities for her to play.

 

Those reasons sound like blanket horse ****. Specifically what behaviors were you doing to support those arguments?

 

1. Be nice, outgoing, positive, and carefree.

2. Be emotionally independent, flirt with women, socialize outside your normal circles.

3. Be supportive, become a part of her support structure.

4. Agree, do not argue, do not commit to an argument. If she asks you a question, be careful about taking a stance or providing an opinionated response which she can use to validate her opinions or start an argument.

5. Listen, look her in the eyes and listen to what she says and respond but do not add, comment, or try and fix or place an opinion on what she says.

6. Work out frequently and focus on your physical health.

7. Visit with your church, reconnect with God, renew your spiritual health.

8. Reconnect with old friends and make new friends, communicate and talk with buddies.

9. Reach out to your family, communicate and enjoy time with your loved ones, they're a great source of strength.

10. Focus on being a great father for your daughter, she needs you!

 

Good luck and god bless. I hope that helps a bit.

[SingleDad]

Thanks - I'm doing 7 8 9 and 10... I'll have to work on the others.

 

For the most part, I was growing bitter over her control over our daughter. Nothing I ever did was right or sufficient - we even argued over which diaper cream to use. So I focused on being a provider- both with work and doing all of the chores (she doesn't do most household chores), so she could focus on our daughter. Yet I would still make sure to come home by 6 pm to have dinner together, give our daughter a bath and read to her at bedtime... it was working out to be a 2/3 to 1/3 split caring for our daughter.

 

The focus became our daughter and not on each other. I was stressed out and frustrated and my now Ex was exhausted and burned out. She was often asleep before my daughter was. So I would do more work from home when they were both asleep. In hindsight my Ex was likely depressed from not getting as much attention from me as she expected. Though I believe her expectations are way too high.

[TrustInYourself]

Thanks - I'm doing 7 8 9 and 10... I'll have to work on the others.

 

For the most part, I was growing bitter over her control over our daughter. Nothing I ever did was right or sufficient - we even argued over which diaper cream to use. So I focused on being a provider- both with work and doing all of the chores (she doesn't do most household chores), so she could focus on our daughter. Yet I would still make sure to come home by 6 pm to have dinner together, give our daughter a bath and read to her at bedtime... it was working out to be a 2/3 to 1/3 split caring for our daughter.

 

The focus became our daughter and not on each other. I was stressed out and frustrated and my now Ex was exhausted and burned out. She was often asleep before my daughter was. So I would do more work from home when they were both asleep. In hindsight my Ex was likely depressed from not getting as much attention from me as she expected. Though I believe her expectations are way too high.

 

I was and am in the exact same situation. The wife feels like her choices in our daughter's life are more valid than mine. When your relationship has healed you can address that.

 

Our problems came from our move 2 years ago, our daughter's birth, and my obsessive nature with work,school, and online games. Even if I had some balance towards the end, I would find my wife avoiding me, going to sleep early with my daughter, etc. Her focus was her job and my daughter and that left little time for me, even though I was doing my best at the time.

 

It's not about expectations being too high. It's about communication and understanding. It's about quality time as well. It's about priorities. You have to find out what's important to your wife, what her needs are in a marriage, and fill those needs. When you can't fill those needs you need to communicate why and make plans to do so.

 

The steps I listed are not guaranteed to get your wife back, but you'll have a chance to make the most out of this situation for yourself. Once you are ready to let go and move on, let go of the anger and resentment, you can be the man your wife once fell in love with.

 

Keep in mind, I'm from the enemy camp here on LS. I believe all marriages can work with two rational, loving people involved. LOL, the most important thing is to follow your heart. Just don't be ruled by your emotions.

[SingleDad]

Thanks TrustInYourself - I must be in the enemy camp too... Especially going through this situation, I've come to believe one must honor their vows and do everything possible to make their marriage work when kids are involved...(kids are not given a choice)... Marriage has its ups and downs... Marriage is also a sacrifice and one must sacrifice for their kids. Honor and cherish your spouse - they are likely to recripate !

 

Too many people seem to believe that you are not happy you need to get out of the marriage... Committment, respect, sacrifice, honor are obsolete...What has happened to our society ?

 

I have learned and come to understand what is really important (children and family) through this process... I wish I understood this more before, then I likely would not be in this situation.

[Gunny376]

Thanks TrustInYourself - I must be in the enemy camp too... Especially going through this situation, I've come to believe one must honor their vows and do everything possible to make their marriage work when kids are involved...(kids are not given a choice)... Marriage has its ups and downs... Marriage is also a sacrifice and one must sacrifice for their kids. Honor and cherish your spouse - they are likely to recripate !

 

Too many people seem to believe that you are not happy you need to get out of the marriage... Committment, respect, sacrifice, honor are obsolete...What has happened to our society ?

 

I have learned and come to understand what is really important (children and family) through this process... I wish I understood this more before, then I likely would not be in this situation.

 

I believed in all of these things as well, to the bitter end, and to the hilt! In for a penny ~ in for a pound. Never give up, nevr surrender ~ especially when you have children.

 

Unfortunately ~ my XW didn't have the same beliefs!

[Trimmer]

Keep in mind, I'm from the enemy camp here on LS. I believe all marriages can work with two rational, loving people involved.

 

Thanks TrustInYourself - I must be in the enemy camp too... Especially going through this situation, I've come to believe one must honor their vows and do everything possible to make their marriage work when kids are involved...(kids are not given a choice)... Marriage has its ups and downs... Marriage is also a sacrifice and one must sacrifice for their kids. Honor and cherish your spouse - they are likely to recripate !

 

Too many people seem to believe that you are not happy you need to get out of the marriage... Committment, respect, sacrifice, honor are obsolete...What has happened to our society ?

 

To both of you: what in the world makes you think these ideas put you in the "enemy camp" here on LS?

[Issues & tissues]

 

Keep in mind, I'm from the enemy camp here on LS. I believe all marriages can work with two rational, loving people involved. LOL, the most important thing is to follow your heart. Just don't be ruled by your emotions.

 

I too am from the same camp. Really can't get my head round the "consumer society" mentality.

 

Sometimes I wish I could just stop the world and get off.

[SingleDad]

Most posts on LS are all to quick to recommend jumping off the ship when the Ex falls out of love, cheats, etc.

 

The topic of the effect of separation and divorce on children is all too often any afterthought.

 

The children do not have their own say in the matter, yet they are the ones who will be most affected by a divorce - being passed back and forth between homes for years to come - so many other factors affecting them.

 

All marriages have rocky times - what happened to "or bad times, till death do us part". We have become a disposable consumer society where values and committments are tossed into the wind.

[ilmw]

Most posts on LS are all to quick to recommend jumping off the ship when the Ex falls out of love, cheats, etc.

 

The topic of the effect of separation and divorce on children is all too often any afterthought.

 

The children do not have their own say in the matter, yet they are the ones who will be most affected by a divorce - being passed back and forth between homes for years to come - so many other factors affecting them.

 

All marriages have rocky times - what happened to "or bad times, till death do us part". We have become a disposable consumer society where values and committments are tossed into the wind.

 

Wow... I kinda just said the same thing on another post...lol

 

I think "most" people.. do not go on places like LS... A lot of people on here... actually give a damn... and want to seek out answers to questions.. willing to go out side their circle... etc.

 

I personally was given so much good advise on LS.. it really got me through some rough times... Some was "hey kick her to the curb." Most.. was about getting myself sorted out... get strong... and heal.

 

BTW... I am in your camp too..... I vow to me is not taken likely ... But what good is a vow... if you are the only one keeping it... Like a Peace Treaty... that only you are honouring..?

 

ilmw

[SingleDad]

Just read your post and learned your history... doing everything you can to reconcile and failing in the end... sorry to hear that...

 

But at least you are stronger now and focusing on making sure the time with your son is quality time.

 

You don't get to see him for a whole week ? Do you rotate by week ? I see my 2 year old 6 of 14 overnights, but that sometimes leaves 4 or 5 day stretches of not seeing her... those times are painful.

 

I keep pictures of my daughter scrolling on my work computer and I have a webcam to her daycare so I can see her running around during the day. That seems to help.

 

Continue to focus your time and attention to your son

[ilmw]

Hey...

 

My visitation is flexible...work a rotating schedule... and work some night shifts... work weekends sometimes too... so having a traditional.. visitation calendar... just does not work... I have had the past few weekends off... and it worked nicely with the stbxw's schedule... so Hey... bonus...

 

I'm moving very much closer soon... so I will be able to see him a little more...

[TrustInYourself]

It's hard to focus on my daughter. My heart hurts. I find myself resentful and angry. Help.