Donny_D Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Hello, Been married 6 months, both of us are in our 20's, dated a year before that. Sex is not often if at all. Wife says she never is in the mood, therefore nothing ever happens. Wife has issues occasionally with spotting, etc. and may be "on the bench" (unavailable) for 2 weeks out of a month. Wife blames it on the birth control. When we dated it was a bit of the same. The first 3 months were amazing sexually, then it was once a month if I was lucky. She's just never interested. I've tried to make romantic dinners and get the mood all right, nothing, she says "sorry". What's next?
angie2443 Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Hello, Been married 6 months, both of us are in our 20's, dated a year before that. Sex is not often if at all. Wife says she never is in the mood, therefore nothing ever happens. Wife has issues occasionally with spotting, etc. and may be "on the bench" (unavailable) for 2 weeks out of a month. Wife blames it on the birth control. When we dated it was a bit of the same. The first 3 months were amazing sexually, then it was once a month if I was lucky. She's just never interested. I've tried to make romantic dinners and get the mood all right, nothing, she says "sorry". What's next? When did she go on the pill? With some women, the pill can reduce their libido. The more details you give in your posts, the better people will be able to help you:).
Author Donny_D Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 She's been on the pill for long time before I met her. But she's been on 3-4 different pills or shots since I've been with her. She's also lost an ovary due to a cyst. It seems more like no libido, she never wants to have sex. The few times that it happens, she forces herself to do it.
blind_otter Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Has she consulted with an OBGYN about her spotting and her overly long periods? 2 weeks a month is way too long to be menstruating, and I would be concerned if it were happening to me....
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 She's been on the pill for long time before I met her. But she's been on 3-4 different pills or shots since I've been with her. She's also lost an ovary due to a cyst. It seems more like no libido, she never wants to have sex. The few times that it happens, she forces herself to do it. Smart money says that she would suddenly find a lot of libido if she needed it to keep you from leaving.
blind_otter Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 She's been on the pill for long time before I met her. But she's been on 3-4 different pills or shots since I've been with her. She's also lost an ovary due to a cyst. It seems more like no libido, she never wants to have sex. The few times that it happens, she forces herself to do it. Oh I just saw this post. You know, recent research has revealed that extended use of the pill (more than 3-5 years) can cause decreased libido in a subset of women.... http://www.webmd.com/content/Article/84/98116.htm Personally, I will never use hormonal birth control again.
Author Donny_D Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 Thanks for the responses everyone. She does talk with a OBGYN quite often (cause for all the switching of pills). Every time she talks with her OBGYN, there is a new birth control out there and they suggest switching. All-in-all she's been on over 15 different types of pills/shots for birth control to help control the 2 week thing. I've suggested dropping it several times, but she refuses to and insists on keeping with birth control. When I ask why, she says "i don't want to be pregnant". I always respond "how will you be pregnant if we don't have sex". Besides anything we always used a condom... I don't know why she won't stop taking the meds, she also said she is worried the 2 week thing will turn into a month thing like it did one time when she was off all together. She's lost her ovary since then, and it may not be the same case. But, I'm not a doctor. Even before her ovary loss she was not interested in sex with me, once a month.. perhaps.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 I've suggested dropping it several times, but she refuses to and insists on keeping with birth control. When I ask why, she says "i don't want to be pregnant". I always respond "how will you be pregnant if we don't have sex". Besides anything we always used a condom... Even before her ovary loss she was not interested in sex with me, once a month.. perhaps. Anxiety can kill a womans libido, even if the fear is illogical. So can a loss of attraction to her Husband. I don't know any really good way to tell the difference.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 IT sucks but have you told her what you wanted? What you need? I mean it sounds as if she married you, just to get married. A bait and switch. I've seen on a few occasions. A woman will be someone that will have hot sex and as soon as you out the ring on she will be a cold fish. Dont you want kids? What's her view on childbirth and children in general. Is this the type of woman who you want to have kids with. It sounds like she has an unreasonalbe fear of intimacy. You shouldnt be held prisoner because of it. You need to get to the bottom of it. It isnt fair to you or her if you dont have a full marriage. Keep your eye open for the red flags.
Lookingforward Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 IT sucks but have you told her what you wanted? What you need? I mean it sounds as if she married you, just to get married. A bait and switch. I've seen on a few occasions. A woman will be someone that will have hot sex and as soon as you out the ring on she will be a cold fish. Dont you want kids? What's her view on childbirth and children in general. Is this the type of woman who you want to have kids with. It sounds like she has an unreasonalbe fear of intimacy. You shouldnt be held prisoner because of it. You need to get to the bottom of it. It isnt fair to you or her if you dont have a full marriage. Keep your eye open for the red flags. Seems the one thing that kills a woman's sex drive is wedding cake..... There's no 'fear of intimacy' if the first 3 months the sex was 'amazing' then nothing
Author Donny_D Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 I'm not sure the fear of intimacy thing is true either, since we have been intimate. Perhaps the wedding thing, but she began this "uninterested in sex" thing before wedding bells, before her surgery of ovary. It seems more to me that perhaps its due to the chemicals in the birth control as blind_other has mentioned. Who knows... Yes, we have talked about it. She doesn't like talking about it, it makes her mad and/or she avoids it. It's "not that big of a deal" to her, or at least that's how it seems. Seems like I just need to talk her into mentioning it more to her OBGYN.
tinktronik Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 I'm not sure the fear of intimacy thing is true either, since we have been intimate. Perhaps the wedding thing, but she began this "uninterested in sex" thing before wedding bells, before her surgery of ovary. It seems more to me that perhaps its due to the chemicals in the birth control as blind_other has mentioned. Who knows... Yes, we have talked about it. She doesn't like talking about it, it makes her mad and/or she avoids it. It's "not that big of a deal" to her, or at least that's how it seems. Seems like I just need to talk her into mentioning it more to her OBGYN. I would back you up on having her talk more with her OBGYN, I could also suggest you try some couples therapy about this issue as it is a big deal to you but not to her , so there is a lack of understanding or empathy. Apparently on both your parts.Good luck.
donnist Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Hello, Been married 6 months, both of us are in our 20's, dated a year before that. Sex is not often if at all. Wife says she never is in the mood, therefore nothing ever happens. Wife has issues occasionally with spotting, etc. and may be "on the bench" (unavailable) for 2 weeks out of a month. Wife blames it on the birth control. When we dated it was a bit of the same. The first 3 months were amazing sexually, then it was once a month if I was lucky. She's just never interested. I've tried to make romantic dinners and get the mood all right, nothing, she says "sorry". What's next? Unfortunately that what some birth control do. Especially a Depo shot. They can decrease the libido TREMENDOUSLY! The only remedy is for her to find an alternative.
Lookingforward Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 The real question is, if there's no improvement, how long are you prepared to live this way ?
angie2443 Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 I would strongly suggest your wife see an endocrenologist. With the two weeks spotting and the other things you've said, it sounds like there might be a hormonal problem. Some blood test might be in order. An endo would be better than a gynocologist as they specialize in hormones and it seems like this might be where your wife's problem is stemming from.
Lizzie60 Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 My thought.. When there is a loss of libido... people try hard to find a physical cause.. My bet... there is nothing wrong physically with her.. she's just not sexually attracted to you anymore... She might love you very much but not sexually... she probably do not orgasm.. therefore is bored with sex... it's more of a sacrifice than pleasure. She avoids talking about it because she knows damn well that there is nothing wrong with her.. she knows why but doesn't want to hurt your feeling.. It was amazing before.. with the pill.. with only one ovary..then BAM.. nothing... sorry to be the 'annonciatrice de mauvaises nouvelles' but she just want a roomate.. really I'm serious.. a lot of women only want someone to cuddle, to care for, to be secure.. etc.. but hates sex... My question: why did you marry her if she was like that before?
MrsHellnoFire Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Hello, Been married 6 months, both of us are in our 20's, dated a year before that. Sex is not often if at all. Wife says she never is in the mood, therefore nothing ever happens. Wife has issues occasionally with spotting, etc. and may be "on the bench" (unavailable) for 2 weeks out of a month. Wife blames it on the birth control. When we dated it was a bit of the same. The first 3 months were amazing sexually, then it was once a month if I was lucky. She's just never interested. I've tried to make romantic dinners and get the mood all right, nothing, she says "sorry". What's next? birth control can lessen a woman's sexual drive.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 birth control can lessen a woman's sexual drive. The question remains why is she taking so much of it if his accounts are coorect. When you get married dont you go off the pill. Not use condoms? This to me sounds very odd. And you know what I would have kept my eyes open very wide if I saw this coming. Married couples I know have sex without birth control or condoms because theres a basic level of trust and they want to have children. Is she afraid to have children? I mean she lost an ovary right, could she not want a child and expect him to stay married? What is the OP's desire in his marriage? If I was married I would like to have kids.
Author Donny_D Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 Well, after talking with her last evening, she is going to go off the pill. She has also scheduled an appointment with her obgyn in august (earliest time). Perhaps this is a step in the right direction...
blind_otter Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Well, after talking with her last evening, she is going to go off the pill. She has also scheduled an appointment with her obgyn in august (earliest time). Perhaps this is a step in the right direction... If her OBGYN is worth his or her salt, they will refer her to other specialists if they cannot discover the root of the problem. I've never heard of a doctor saying, "Sorry, I don't know what the problem is. Lotsa luck!"
tmichaelsOH Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I’ve been married for eight years, but lately we’ve been having a lot of trouble with our relationship. We had our first child, Lindsey, in September of last year and she is the most wonderful precious thing on the planet, but since then, my partner and I have not been able to regain our intimacy. I now realize that the problem is my relationship with myself. I read the book Harmonic Wealth by James Ray and his section on relationships was an eye-opener for me. He reminded me that my most important relationship in the world (even more than Lindsey which I find hard to accept!) is with MYSELF and that if I didn’t take care of that, I wouldn’t find success in other relationships. Has anyone else read this book? Any tips on how to balance family life with love for oneself? a JR Fan
angie2443 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 If her OBGYN is worth his or her salt, they will refer her to other specialists if they cannot discover the root of the problem. I've never heard of a doctor saying, "Sorry, I don't know what the problem is. Lotsa luck!" Again, I would strongly recommend going to an endocrenologist. They specialize in hormones and would, I think, be better able to pinpoint why your wife's menstrual cycle is so off. I know the pill can chang things a bit, but I havn't known many women on the pill who've had your wife's problems.
openingup Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I'm sorry if this may be painful, but from a woman's perspective, sex drive is all in the mind. She just isn't interested. If there were something physically wrong, it could be "fixed." She has no desire to be fixed - if she were unhappy with your sex life, she'd be beating down the doctor's door. I personally know a large number of women who can take sex or leave it, and I think you have one of those. Nagging isn't going to help, it's just going to drive her away and frustrate the hell out of you. You'll need to decide whether a platonic relationship is enough of a marriage or your needs are greater, and either continue or end the relationship on that basis. Best of luck --
Jersey Shortie Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 As a woman, I second seeing a doctor. Maybe she needs to find a new doctor then her present one. A second opinion never hurts. And what she has been doing, switching from pill to pill isn't helping.
angryyoungman70 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 If she has no issues with your lack of a sex life, you can not force her to see a doctor (for something that she does not feel is a problem). As a married man of 14 years who has been down this same road, I can speak from experience. Either accept your relationship as it is and learn to live life without sex, or seek other alternatives.
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