Any Effect from Having Lots of Sexual Partners?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I read through a couple of posts which touched on this topic just a little, however the idea was not explored further.

 

So, what are the pro's and con's of being sexual with large numbers of people? Also, what are the positives and negatives of dating someone who has a large number of sexual partners?

[blind_otter]

Define "large number of sexual partners".

 

I'm sure you're laughing to yourself and saying, well that's obvious. But it's not, to me. Some people think 20 partners is a large number. Some think 50 or 100 is a large number. It would help to know what you're talking about, exactly.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Define "large number of sexual partners".

I'm sure you're laughing to yourself and saying, well that's obvious. But it's not, to me. Some people think 20 partners is a large number. Some think 50 or 100 is a large number. It would help to know what you're talking about, exactly.

 

No, that's actually a good question. I intentionally left a number out because a "large number" means different things to different people.

 

In my opinion 50+ at my age (late 20's) is fairly high, you may think differently.

 

To be fair... one of the reason's I pose this question is that I've had some issues with comparing my current relationship to past ones.

[Meaplus3]

I read through a couple of posts which touched on this topic just a little, however the idea was not explored further.

 

So, what are the pro's and con's of being sexual with large numbers of people? Also, what are the positives and negatives of dating someone who has a large number of sexual partners?

 

Honestly..I guess the pros are you have lot's of exp.. and have sowed your oats so to speak..On the negative side you have a higher chance of catching an STD.

 

AP:)

[AAlike]

Well, I would say that most of the "pros" for both having experience and dating someone with it are more on the surface level, while most of the "cons", other than the obvious health risks, are more a matter of perception.

 

Obviously, on the surface, just like anything else, the more than someone has had sex, the better at it they probably are. Also, if you've had at least a couple of sexual partners, you're probably less inclined to have "grass is greener" syndrome or curiosity...

 

Let's put it this way - sex itself is a very basic thing. Now, the emotions, motivations, and psychology that accompany it are extremely complicated - but the physical act itself is as simplistic and natural as they come. A person that has had considerable sexual experience that has involved both casual encounters as well as emotional ones is probably more apt to understand how contextual sexual situations can be and therefore probably has developed a more realist-based attitude towards sex. In addition, someone choosing someone to be monogamous from an existing sample size is probably less apt to question their own choice of mates than someone with no sample size - that's just basic statistics.

 

The possible complications with a relationship between two people with very different levels of experience are probably going to stem from a difference in attitude about sex. People that have not had a lot of partners for whatever reason, whether its morals, shyness, or just personal choices, are going to be more inclined to have a romanticized attitude towards sex, and are not going to be able to contextualize sexual situations and associate it solely with the underlying emotions. These are the people that cannot comprehend when other people say "oh it was just sex, it didn't mean anything." Not that either attitude is wrong, really, they're both right to a degree, but the difference in attitude can cause a rift - and the partner with the more romantic view of sex is naturally going to have some feelings like "what makes me special if my partner was willing to share this emotional and poweful thing with so many others, yet I only wanted to share it with him/her - I will never be as unique to them as they are to me." Now, as we've established, that's kind of illogical - ideally, someone with a extensive sexual history that still chooses you over all of those others should make you feel MORE special - but those feelings stem from the romanticized attitude, not from logic.

 

Now, the converse of this that is not mentioned as much, is that once you are in a committed relationship and having sex regularly, your attitude is naturally going to steer towards the more realistic attitude as you start to realize that the "let's just fit it in before we have to go to work" sex is not nearly as passionate as the sex that you had on your honeymoon or whatever. This could result in the partner that came into the relationship without significant experience coming to the realization of "now that I realize how fun and carefree sex can be, I wonder what it would have been like to do it with others" - i.e. the "grass is greener" syndrome. Those that had a few one-offs or whatever are going to realize how unimportant it is whereas those who haven't might get curious. It's like the difference between drinking when you're young and deciding that you're not really that into drinking versus going through life having never had a drink. If, at 30, you start drinking for the first time and realize that you like it and that it's not really a big deal, naturally you are going to think "dang, why didn't I do this before?"

 

So like I said, all of the potential problems are a matter of perception. There's also the gender issue, but I've said enough about that in other posts, and again, that's still all perception. on the surface, sexual histories should all be irrelevant, as it really doesn't linger with people like it seems like it would.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So like I said, all of the potential problems are a matter of perception. There's also the gender issue, but I've said enough about that in other posts, and again, that's still all perception. on the surface, sexual histories should all be irrelevant, as it really doesn't linger with people like it seems like it would.

 

AA, this is great! There are definitely some items in here for me to think over!

 

I seem to be struggling with a perception problem. I would not call it the "grass is greener" syndrome so much as "grass was greener elsewhere" syndrome. However, it's about little things, nothing that I should really care about.

[Trialbyfire]

The major con for having a substantial number of sexual partners, is the increased exposure to STDs.

 

Beyond that, it's how you view sex, whether it's an itch to scratch or something meaningful between people who greatly care about each other.

 

Best to find a partner who views it in the same way you do. Otherwise, as we've seen time and time again on LS, there can be issues arising from past escapades.

[blind_otter]

AA, this is great! There are definitely some items in here for me to think over!

 

I seem to be struggling with a perception problem. I would not call it the "grass is greener" syndrome so much as "grass was greener elsewhere" syndrome. However, it's about little things, nothing that I should really care about.

 

I disagree - sometimes it's ALL about the "little things." When a partner neglects the little things, it can really add up. Just my experience.

 

If your current paramour is bad in bed, they are bad in bed. No bones about it. The question is - what are you doing about it? Are you being vocal about your likes and dislikes in terms of sex? Are you trying to show your partner what would feel better to you? Or are you just sorta passively witnessing their sexual suckage?

[Untouchable_Fire]

If your current paramour is bad in bed, they are bad in bed. No bones about it. The question is - what are you doing about it? Are you being vocal about your likes and dislikes in terms of sex? Are you trying to show your partner what would feel better to you? Or are you just sorta passively witnessing their sexual suckage?

 

Not really a technique thing, more like physical features, and some small personality traits.

 

It's like I've jumbled all the best parts of my ex's together into one giant Franken-Ex of perfection. It's very hard to describe and weird, but I can tell it's a problem.

[AAlike]

The major con for having a substantial number of sexual partners, is the increased exposure to STDs.

 

Beyond that, it's how you view sex, whether it's an itch to scratch or something meaningful between people who greatly care about each other.

 

Best to find a partner who views it in the same way you do. Otherwise, as we've seen time and time again on LS, there can be issues arising from past escapades.

 

I guess so, but I think that it's more important to realize that as long as both of you view it as "something meaningful between people who greatly care about each other" within the context of your relationship that it doesn't really matter how either of you viewed it in the past, barring any religious complications or whatever.

[Trialbyfire]

I guess so, but I think that it's more important to realize that as long as both of you view it as "something meaningful between people who greatly care about each other" within the context of your relationship that it doesn't really matter how either of you viewed it in the past, barring any religious complications or whatever.

That's your value system for importance. Mine is different. Neither is right or wrong. It's personal preference.

[twice_shy]

I read through a couple of posts which touched on this topic just a little, however the idea was not explored further.

 

So, what are the pro's and con's of being sexual with large numbers of people? Also, what are the positives and negatives of dating someone who has a large number of sexual partners?

 

The positive....uh...you would have had sex with alot of people.

 

The negative...uh...it won't sit well with alot of people because they will think you are trashy.

 

Then again, what one person considers a large number, someone else might not.

 

If a woman told me she had more than 20 different partners in her lifetime, I think I'd be a little put off by that.

[AAlike]

AA, this is great! There are definitely some items in here for me to think over!

 

I seem to be struggling with a perception problem. I would not call it the "grass is greener" syndrome so much as "grass was greener elsewhere" syndrome. However, it's about little things, nothing that I should really care about.

 

are you going to elaborate? i'm curious now.

[blind_otter]

Not really a technique thing, more like physical features, and some small personality traits.

 

It's like I've jumbled all the best parts of my ex's together into one giant Franken-Ex of perfection. It's very hard to describe and weird, but I can tell it's a problem.

 

That is a bit odd. When I break up with someone I put them out of my mind forever.

 

I remember the last time I saw my exH when we were in court getting divorced I was like, "Oh when did you get glasses?"

 

And he looked at me with this weird expression and said, "Um, I've always worn glasses, the whole time we were together I wore glasses." ooops, guess I forgot.

 

Maybe you are setting yourself up for some self-sabotage?

[AAlike]

That's your value system for importance. Mine is different. Neither is right or wrong. It's personal preference.

 

Of course, the last thing that I would do is try and tell someone else what criteria to use to select a mate! I don't even know my own criteria lol...

 

I gotta say though, Trial, I am really surprised that there are people out there that would write off someone that is ideal for them as an adult because they slept around a little bit, or hell, even a lot, as a teenager (not saying that you would do this, just using an example). I just don't understand why or how that should possibly come into play, unless you think of casual sex as some sort of irreparable sin. I mean, does this really mar someone for life?

[Untouchable_Fire]

That is a bit odd. When I break up with someone I put them out of my mind forever.

 

Maybe you are setting yourself up for some self-sabotage?

 

Now how on earth do you accomplish that? It's not like I have a photographic memory!

 

Maybe I am... but not if I can help it.

[AAlike]

Not really a technique thing, more like physical features, and some small personality traits.

 

It's like I've jumbled all the best parts of my ex's together into one giant Franken-Ex of perfection. It's very hard to describe and weird, but I can tell it's a problem.

 

that is definitely unique - it reminds me of Weird Science when they construct the "ideal" woman. So the simple solution to your problem - date Kelly LeBrock circa 1986.

 

in all seriousness - I don't know what to tell you there....I've only been in two semi-serious relationships (and only one really serious one that I'm in now) and in both cases, i was so into the girl beyond physical features that she redefined what I thought of as perfect when it came to that.

[sally4sara]

I think that one of the bad side effects can be that what you experience and really enjoy with one person won't always be present ot happen with every other partner you have sex with.

A female friend of mine had a very steady BF from her soph year (lost her virginity to him) and it lasted 7 years. His size was all she knew and that being the case never knew what "normal size" was for a penis. Unfortunately for her (and I guess also for her partners there after), her first BF was rather large. Having gotten used to the sensations she would get from sex with him for 7 years, she often felt less enjoyment with more average sized guys. This disatisfaction often colored the initial excitement one would feel when courting someone new for her. She would get all amped about a guy for a few dates and then feel, I guess, let down once it turned physical.

Some of my guy friends have complained about their psycho but blisteringly hot GF's behavior. The relationship would end because of the drama of their attitude and they would then complain about having a hard time feeling as turned on by the great new girl they would start dating who didn't look like a Playboy model. Another guy friend once told me he loved his current GF, but his previous two were no holes barred and without gag reflex. He still fantasized about them when he would masturbate - which he was doing more often than ever before. I've heard many guys I knew to have great success with gorgeous women in their younger years and having all these memories of sex with taut young women. They found (and felt very crappy about it) that now that their wife had had children and her body had changed a bit, they had trouble NOT focusing on the physical changes and comparing them to their past partners. Prior to these birthing changes, they never did the comparing game and in fact didn't remember ever noticing many physical differences between them.

The only good things I can think are only relevant when in the moment. You have needs and they are being met. You learn new tricks too I guess and if they had a positive effect you use them from that point on.

[blind_otter]

Now how on earth do you accomplish that? It's not like I have a photographic memory!

 

 

Do you keep old photos of ex's or stay in contact with them? I guess, as foreign as it sounds to you to banish an ex from your mind, it sounds just as foreign to me to keep them in your thoughts!

 

And when you say "frankenX" - do you mean like, this one's perfect nose, that one's mouth, the way that girl always smelled nice...that sort of thing? How do you remember those physical features or small personality traits??

 

Maybe this is the inevitable result of my 10 year love affair with pot. I don't smoke anymore, but am somehow still able to retain my ability to conveniently forget things I don't want to remember....

[Trialbyfire]

Of course, the last thing that I would do is try and tell someone else what criteria to use to select a mate! I don't even know my own criteria lol...

 

I gotta say though, Trial, I am really surprised that there are people out there that would write off someone that is ideal for them as an adult because they slept around a little bit, or hell, even a lot, as a teenager (not saying that you would do this, just using an example). I just don't understand why or how that should possibly come into play, unless you think of casual sex as some sort of irreparable sin. I mean, does this really mar someone for life?

Everyone chooses their path in life and needs to accept their own past. No one else needs to accept the path of another, if they don't choose to. Most people don't make core changes. They only change superficially and not just about how they look. During times of stress, people tend to revert to their core reactions aka survivor instincts.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I think that one of the bad side effects can be that what you experience and really enjoy with one person won't always be present ot happen with every other partner you have sex with.

 

 

Yup, that's pretty much it! What can I do about it? I'm not interested in holding anyone to an unrealistic standard.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Do you keep old photos of ex's or stay in contact with them? I guess, as foreign as it sounds to you to banish an ex from your mind, it sounds just as foreign to me to keep them in your thoughts!

And when you say "frankenX" - do you mean like, this one's perfect nose, that one's mouth, the way that girl always smelled nice...that sort of thing? How do you remember those physical features or small personality traits??

Maybe this is the inevitable result of my 10 year love affair with pot. I don't smoke anymore, but am somehow still able to retain my ability to conveniently forget things I don't want to remember....

 

No, I don't really get attached to things, so I toss stuff like that. If I have photos I have not seen them in forever.

 

I also don't think about ex's or obsess on things. It's just I seem to mentally compare when I'm not 100% happy with something.

 

I always stayed away from Pot because of my permafried friends. Sounds like an expensive solution though.

[sally4sara]

Yup, that's pretty much it! What can I do about it? I'm not interested in holding anyone to an unrealistic standard.

 

Well, they best advise I can offer is to voice your preferences for certain sexual acts and be patient enough to teach if they lack experience at it. It is just isn't their cup of tea, it could indicate an incompatibility.

Physical differences.....not as easy, but there is great satisfaction in focusing less on their body and more on the reactions you can get out of them with your own performance. You might wish for a different butt shape or some other feature, but can you get their toes to curl and a few "DEAR GOD!"s?

You may never be able to accept a certain weight class or body shape, but their are shades of imperfection that can be tolerable - enjoyable even, especially when you learn to enjoy sex as a giver and less as a spectator along for the ride. One day you will be old and wrinkly and all the bumps in the right places will migrate. It happens to everyone, men and women. The sad cruel joke is that while guys peak at 18 and are more visually enticed, women have a kinder eye and peak later only to find that their kinder eye won't make up for the other place men grow soft! If you can't start to enjoy it for the pleasure you give, you'll still be pining for the 20 somethings in your wrinkly days well after any 20 something will think of you as anything but OLD.

[AAlike]

I also don't think about ex's or obsess on things. It's just I seem to mentally compare when I'm not 100% happy with something.

 

ding ding ding - I think that THIS is really your problem. I think that you might be searching for reasons that your current sex life isn't ideal..."maybe if she had so and so's butt, that used to turn me on" etc. etc...but I have a feeling that your problem is deeper seated than that.

[dogtown]

Everyone chooses their path in life and needs to accept their own past. No one else needs to accept the path of another, if they don't choose to. Most people don't make core changes. They only change superficially and not just about how they look. During times of stress, people tend to revert to their core reactions aka survivor instincts.

 

Well said. I've discussed this idea at length with AA in other threads.

 

I used to be of the camp that people change, but have since come to the idea that change is very much the exception. That is why we value it so much. That which stands in way of change is often daunting and requires serious introspection; can take a long time and is a tough painful process. As cliche as it sounds a persons past decision making is a great indication of how they will make decisions in the future.