mollers Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 It is almost 6 weeks since my break up (my partner for 2.5 years but friend of 5 years) and after much soul-searching, and maintaining no contact I have struggled to wonder if I am coping with the break up or just pretending I am. What I have today realised is that what I am really struggling with is getting used to a new mindset. By this I mean thinking of myself as a single person and thinking of myself as someone who can be happy being a single person. I am struggling to believe that I am enjoying myself! I know that sounds mad. But as an example, I love to read, I will read absolutely anything. Last night I was thinking how much I was looking forward to getting into bed with my new book and my chocolate etc, yet simultaneously, internally I am having a dialogue which tells me that what I am doing is not as enjoyable as being with someone. I started to think 'How sad am I, looking forward to getting in bed with a good book? How can that compare with being in a relationship?' And so this is my struggle. I have to get used to a new mindset which is that of someone who doesn't feel ashamed of enjoying simple things on my own. No matter what I am doing (and honestly, I am trying alsorts to keep him out of my mind and to move on) something in the back of my mind tells me it is second best to being with him. I know this is not true but this mindset is hard to shake. I almost feel like I have to re-train myself in my way of thinking. Can anyone relate to this?
kizik Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 I know exactly how you feel. She's always in the back of my head, and I doubt if I am moving on- rather, probably just convincing myself I am moving on. I'm a 3 weeks NC and 5 weeks after breakup. As far as being happy being single, I CAN'T WAIT! In regards to cuddling up in bed, it seems better with a lover, but think about how often you got to just read your book? Probably rare. Anyway, you will be happy being single. For me the key has been knowing I can do whatever I want and answer to no one. You're right, you do have to retrain yourself to think differently. You're not missing out, you're re-discovering a different life.
Author mollers Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 I know exactly how you feel. She's always in the back of my head, and I doubt if I am moving on- rather, probably just convincing myself I am moving on. I'm a 3 weeks NC and 5 weeks after breakup. As far as being happy being single, I CAN'T WAIT! In regards to cuddling up in bed, it seems better with a lover, but think about how often you got to just read your book? Probably rare. Anyway, you will be happy being single. For me the key has been knowing I can do whatever I want and answer to no one. You're right, you do have to retrain yourself to think differently. You're not missing out, you're re-discovering a different life. Thanks for this Kizik. You are at around the same time since break up as me so are probably going through exactly the same thing. I think I am waiting for this to feel like the 'norm' rather than 'a new feeling'. I feel like I am living a false life at the moment, and whilst I am not lying on the floor crying any more, I am not jumping about in ecstasy either! I am doing things to replace him, but I am so aware that they are 'things to replace him'. Soon, I hope they will just become 'things I want to do', but right now it feels strange. I know it will come right soon, but it helps to discuss it with people who know where I am coming from!
kizik Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Hey Mollers, it's nice to find a counterpart on this site, who's in the same stage as me. I mean, we are all going through heartbreak, but you and I seem to be along the same timeline... I think "waiting" to feel normal is a bad plan. At least, it makes you feel "silly" or guilty for not being where you think you should be. It's important for us to make steps towards moving forward, such as hanging out with friends and pursuing our jobs/education and hobbies. But we don't need to be comparing ourselves to others who are: happy in relationships, or further along with their progress than us. Trying to control things sometimes sets us back more. I was doing great yesterday, then spent an hour thinking about her. Felt like I shouldn't have. But it's like, hey, you gotta think about them sometimes. As far as being aware- yes. Everything I do all day is with the thought that I am doing it. That is to say, I am very conscious of my every movement... it's like being out-of-body. I completely understand you. And I love UK-ers!!
Author mollers Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 Hey Mollers, it's nice to find a counterpart on this site, who's in the same stage as me. I mean, we are all going through heartbreak, but you and I seem to be along the same timeline... I think "waiting" to feel normal is a bad plan. At least, it makes you feel "silly" or guilty for not being where you think you should be. It's important for us to make steps towards moving forward, such as hanging out with friends and pursuing our jobs/education and hobbies. But we don't need to be comparing ourselves to others who are: happy in relationships, or further along with their progress than us. Trying to control things sometimes sets us back more. I was doing great yesterday, then spent an hour thinking about her. Felt like I shouldn't have. But it's like, hey, you gotta think about them sometimes. As far as being aware- yes. Everything I do all day is with the thought that I am doing it. That is to say, I am very conscious of my every movement... it's like being out-of-body. I completely understand you. And I love UK-ers!! You're right, it is a bad plan to wait to feel normal, as I do feel silly when I keep thinking about my situation. And you have hit the nail right on the head, I am SO conscious of everything I am doing, it really is like being out-of-body and observing myself. That said, it is also good to be so aware of myself as when I was in my relationship I was so absorbed in him that I forgot about me. Thank you for completely understanding me! Coming on here really does help to make things seem clearer. And it is great that you love UK-ers! I feel very welcome.
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