At a crossroads (warning, long post!)

[mental_traveller]

I have a bit of a dilemma, and thought I'd throw it out to all you loveshackers to see if I can get some advice:

 

I've been in a relationship for just over a year, with a girl who's hot, intelligent, good fun, and seems pretty keen on me. I reckon most guys would be pretty darn happy if they were dating someone like her. However, I have started to feel...well, not trapped, not really bored, but just a strange kinda feeling that maybe this is leading somewhere I don't necessarily want to go. It's hard to pinpoint anything in particular, it's more a collection of little things that are kinda making me feel a bit uncomfortable on occasion.

 

For example, she is pretty hard working and responsible. I think responsibility is overrated and generally an excuse for being boring (ok, slight exaggeration, but you get my drift). Her philosophy of relationships, IMO, is that they're about compatibility, mutual interests, that kinda thing. My view is that they aren't about that at all, but more about fireworks, strong attraction, being crazy together, opposites attract etc. So in a sense, we have a pretty different outlook on those core issues. Up until fairly recently it hasn't really been a big issue, and it was easy to overlook since she is good company, interesting, and extremely hot.

 

However, in the last couple of months I have found it becoming more of an issue. It's kinda coming to the point in time where you'd start thinking about stuff like living together, and we have discussed that topic. It made me consider what kind of relationship do I really want, and with what type of person. After thinking it over, I am more and more coming to the view that a conventional couple relationship with someone like her maybe just isn't my thing. I just don't really find appealing the whole "partnership" philosophy of relationships.

 

I tried to work out what was amiss, since on paper she seems ideal (and I thought that early on in the relationship). I think I could sum it up by saying that she's the kind of women most guys would describe as ideal wife material, parents would love her etc - but in a way that is exactly what gives me second thoughts. Staying on the same analogy, I would have to say that I probably go much more for the type of woman who'd be an ideal mistress than an ideal wife. A bad girl rather than a good girl. I went over in my mind all my past relationships and the times in between, and basically realised that I had alternated between long-term relationships with "good on paper" good girls, and periods of being single where I would just have fun and kinda sleep around with a few bad girls. At the time I always assumed the latter was just a phase of having fun being a single guy in my 20s, but here I am in my early 30s now and I have to say I am finding that more appealing than the conventional route of finding a nice girl and settling down.

 

(continued...)

[mental_traveller]

Now, up until recently, these thoughts were just drifting around occasionally in the background. However, a couple of things brought them close to the surface. The first one is a guy I've been friends with for 2-3 years, but we started hanging out a lot more this last year, and I got to know him a lot better. He is, to say the least, rather unconventional - he's a 40something physics tutor, who has long-hair and plays guitar in a metal band for fun, does martial arts, and is a bit of a casanova with 4 or 5 girlfriends half his age (all of whom know about the others). For years his family kept telling him to "grow up" and settle down like they all did, but he just ignored them. The funny thing is that now, he is by far the happiest and best-adjusted person I know out of my circle of friends, and he is the *only* person I know who has zero relationship problems - my other friends, on the whole, are pretty much a disaster on that front lol. He is just doing his own thing, what makes him happy, and has ignored whether society & his relatives think it is acceptable or not. Now, I don't mean that I wan my own harem of 20 year old women, I prefer 1 on 1 generally, and closer to my own age or a bit younger; but his example of ploughing his own furrow definitely made me think. Have I been pursuing what I really want, in terms of relationships, or have I unconsciously been conforming to the societal norm? I.e. find someone nice, settle down, blah blah. So, that definitely gave me a few things to ponder.

 

The second thing that made me think was that I got contacted by a girl from my past - not an ex, but someone that I met and became very good friends with when I was living in the US for a while. I had taken a few months of work and decided to travel round the USA (I'm from the UK btw). I was a pretty keen poker player at the time, and had always wanted to chance my arm in Vegas to see how I could do. Well, I ended up playing cards in LA and Vegas for my entire trip, making enough to pay my way and party pretty much 24/7. This is where I met this girl. We immediately hit it off, however we were both dating other people at the time, she lived across the Atlantic, and she was pretty young at the time, so nothing was really going to happen. We did however have a very good time and a strong connection just on a platonic level. Whereas my current gf, and pretty much every girl I ever dated for more than a month, would fit into the good on paper nice girl to meet the parents category, this lady is pretty much the opposite. She could pretty much walk onto a movie set and play a femme fatale part just by acting herself.

 

Anyway, she got in touch recently and was catching up and reminiscing about things. Since when we had met (about 6-7 years ago), obviously things have changed quite a bit, and she was very interested in how things had gone at my end. To cut a long story short, she asked if I'd be interested in going out to Vegas for a week or two. By coincidence, I had already considered going later this year with a couple of friends who play poker from time to time with me. Well, first of all I said that I was in a relationship, just so things were clear. She didn't suggest anything untoward, but equally she didn't nix the idea once she heard I was seeing someone - so it's totally unclear whether she sees this just as friends or is interested in more.

 

Let's just say that this conversation kinda throw me for a loop. You pretty much could not plan a better way to make me question the whole direction I've been taking in terms of relationships, and what I really want. With this girl, even just online chatting by IM, with no flirting whatsoever (I was pretty strict to avoid that), the chemistry was still there. It definitely made me think there is something missing in my current relationship. What began as minor doubts, have now grown and come to the fore, so I'm really thinking maybe I should just abandon the whole idea of a conventional relationship, let alone any notion of settling down. She almost seemed to realise this, she was kinda teasing about how come I haven't got hitched to anyone yet, why I hadn't visited since then, and how she knew I was not the settling down/marrying type.

 

So, to those of you who have managed to read this far, what are your thoughts? This whole thing has kind of taken me a bit by surprise. If I was 10 years older I might put it down as a mid-life crisis I feel like I am at a crossroads - the sensible, safe, but perhaps slightly dull & predictable option on the one hand; and the risky, uncertain, but definitely more interesting path on the other. Part of me thinks that whichever choice I make, could have a big and lasting impact on how life might turn out over the next 5-10 years, and I'm a bit confused - it's not something I really feel that my friends would be able to give impartial advice on. Which leads me to loveshack - what do you guys & gals think? Is this just a "grass is greener" syndrome I'm going through, or is it a sign that my current direction is a mistake. Stay on the safe path, or take a leap into the unknown? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

[blind_otter]

I think you consider your GF to be "safe" because she is superficially what you think you need to be involved with - but ultimately, you are "just not that into her." She has a list of characteristics that you find laudable and admirable, but beyond that it doesn't seem like you are passionately in love with her. You list her characteristics as if that list somehow equates to a personality; it doesn't. Personality is something much richer and more complex than a list of characteristics, IME.

 

It's strange to me how you can categorize women into "bad girls" and "good girls". I've never been able to do that. People are people, with good and bad sides to them. Your analysis of your situation is so foreign to me - maybe because I've always been somewhat of a feather in the wind, so to speak. I go where my heart leads me, and that has never been in a conventional direction. So I cannot really process how you are weighing your options with such...sterility.

 

Ultimately, to me it seems like you are simply losing attraction to your current GF. You are at a point where things can go into the more serious, live together as a precursor to marriage route, or you can break things off and start afresh with a different kind of woman. It's really up to you.

 

IMO each person is individually responsible for knowing themselves. You should know what you want - do you want marriage and a family? Do you want to continue playing the field? Regardless, I think your current relationship seems to have run its course.

[GoodOnPaper]

Since you played the "good on paper" card, I felt I had to chime in.

 

So, to those of you who have managed to read this far, what are your thoughts? This whole thing has kind of taken me a bit by surprise. If I was 10 years older I might put it down as a mid-life crisis I feel like I am at a crossroads - the sensible, safe, but perhaps slightly dull & predictable option on the one hand; and the risky, uncertain, but definitely more interesting path on the other.

 

From someone who is in the midlife crisis stage, don't take options lightly. It is much easier to take advantage of them now than later in life.

 

I think you consider your GF to be "safe" because she is superficially what you think you need to be involved with - but ultimately, you are "just not that into her." She has a list of characteristics that you find laudable and admirable, but beyond that it doesn't seem like you are passionately in love with her.

 

This is exactly how I have always felt about my wife. I married the "safe" girl and deeply regret it. Overall, I think BO's advice hits the mark. Know yourself, know what you want -- find a woman with the right combination of "good" and "bad" for you.

[quankanne]

sounds like you need to call things off with your girlfriend, because as good/nice/sweet a person she is, she really isn't what you want at this point in life, esp. since you're heading in different directions. Sticking around will lead to some pretty unhappy moments because the longer you stay, the more she is going to believe you're in for the long haul when all you really want is to be footloose & fancy-free.

 

frankly, I just can't see y'alls relationship working, because you're at different maturity levels when it comes to how you see relationships. She sounds like someone who could happily look forward to forever, while you are very much in the here and now and wanting all the excitement that comes with. Staying together isn't fair to either of you.

[pandagirl]

Yes, I don't think there is anything wrong with either you or your girlfriend. Both of you just seem to view relationships different and want different things out of them.

 

It seems like you've already made up your mind.