Insecurities

[SoccerShot]

I cannot take my boyfriend's insecurities! Whenever I mention that another guy knows something/has something cool, my boyfriend gets angry and says "I'm sorry I don't have that/I'm not that cool. Why don't you just go be with him? I'm sorry I'm not all you need." etc...I hate it! I was at the pool with him today, and I met another couple. The guy of this couple happens to be training to be a navy SEAL, which I thought was cool. I mentioned this to my boyfriend who replied with, "Oh, well I'm sorry, but I think he's taken. Maybe you can find it in your heart to settle for me."

 

Anytime I mention I want to hang out with my friends (who are mostly male), he gets angry and short with me, because he knows a few of them have had crushes on me in the past. There's nothing I can say to make him believe that they don't want me anymore/he doesn't have to worry about anything...He just gets angry and reverts inward. At my graduation a few weeks ago, I took a couple pictures with one guy who used to like me (we're still really good friends), but afterward my boyfriend was just plain being a jerk to me.

 

When we're watching TV, he'll tell me all the time about girls he thinks are hot. "Ohh damn, she's hot." or "Oh...I'd do her." But anytime I do that with guys, he gets angry and upset "I'm sorry I'm not tall enough for you." (He's about an inch shorter than me) or "I'm sorry I'm too Asian for you. If I left maybe you could find a nice white guy." and just rolls away from me and won't talk to me/touch me/let me touch him. I don't mind if he talks about how hot other girls are. I know he notices them, and I also know that he thinks I'm gorgeous and that I'M the one he comes home to every night. But I think it's ridiculous that he gets to play this "OMG that girl is so hot" game and I can't. He can dish it, but he can't take it!

 

I'm sick of his insecurities. I'm sick of him always saying that I'm going to cheat on him (which he has NO basis for saying...I've never done ANYTHING to even remotley hint that I would!) or I'm going to leave him or that I don't love him anymore.

 

I love this kid to death, but I am sick of his insecurities! I don't know what to say or do anymore to make him stop being so insecure!

[twice_shy]

I cannot take my boyfriend's insecurities! Whenever I mention that another guy knows something/has something cool, my boyfriend gets angry and says "I'm sorry I don't have that/I'm not that cool. Why don't you just go be with him? I'm sorry I'm not all you need." etc...I hate it! I was at the pool with him today, and I met another couple. The guy of this couple happens to be training to be a navy SEAL, which I thought was cool. I mentioned this to my boyfriend who replied with, "Oh, well I'm sorry, but I think he's taken. Maybe you can find it in your heart to settle for me."

 

Maybe its the way you are delivering the praise of other guys. Maybe you are shoving it in his face and don't realize it. What do you think you'd do if he never praised you for anything, but gave kudos to every other girl he knows? I think you'd be feeling like crap.

 

Maybe you need to take a step back and see how this might be coming off to him.

 

 

 

Anytime I mention I want to hang out with my friends (who are mostly male), he gets angry and short with me

 

Well gee....DUH! Why would you think he'd be ok with that? Especially since you like to praise other guys all the time? Again, I think you need to look at how this would look to him.

 

 

because he knows a few of them have had crushes on me in the past. There's nothing I can say to make him believe that they don't want me anymore/he doesn't have to worry about anything...He just gets angry and reverts inward. At my graduation a few weeks ago, I took a couple pictures with one guy who used to like me (we're still really good friends), but afterward my boyfriend was just plain being a jerk to me.

 

When we're watching TV, he'll tell me all the time about girls he thinks are hot. "Ohh damn, she's hot." or "Oh...I'd do her." But anytime I do that with guys, he gets angry and upset "I'm sorry I'm not tall enough for you."

 

Well he definitely is being a hypocrite about this. Or could he be saying those things because you are always bragging on other guys?

 

Either way, if he doesn't like you bragging all over other guys, he shouldn't be doing it with regards to other girls.

 

 

I'm sick of his insecurities.

 

Well I hate to say it, but it looks like you may be giving him something to be insecure about.

 

 

I love this kid to death, but I am sick of his insecurities! I don't know what to say or do anymore to make him stop being so insecure!

 

Maybe you should have a talk with him about it and tell him you may need to tone down your bragging of guys that you know in real life if he will stop doing it with girls on the tube.

 

With the exception of the double standard of what he says about women he sees on TV, I think you are giving him cause to feel like shiit. Especially when you hang out with male friends that you say used to be smitten with you. I wouldn't be to fond of that idea myself.

[SoccerShot]

Whoa there buddy ><

 

I think you may have taken my post the wrong way.

 

I don't go out of my way to praise other guys; I do it the same as I praise other girls. I don't do it to anger him, I mention things I think are cool because I think it's interesting and he might find it interesting too. It's not done with malice or to make him jealous.

 

And it's not like I don't praise him or show him any affection. I reassure him of my love constantly because he's so insecure. If anything, I should be the one worried he doesn't love me ><

 

I tell him I love him, do little things for him, compliment him all the time, take care of him, etc...

 

I didn't start praising guys or saying guys are hot until AFTER he started commenting on girls. It just didn't seem like a terribly nice thing to do, so I didn't do it. I don't mind him doing it, honestly...I'm happy to rate and compare opinions with him on girls. But he couldn't take it when I started doing it.

 

Trust me, I know I am NOT giving him a reason to feel this insecure. I'm not as cold hearted as you made me seem ><

 

The other guy friends, I can understand him not being thrilled about...But honestly, I think it's ridiculous that he gets upset STILL. He knows I never had feelings for these boys and that he is the only one I want. Or at least he should, I tell him three times a week! Just because a male friend had feelings for me in the past is no reason to break off a friendship. He should trust me enough not to get pissed off!

[porter218]

Sorry but I must agree with TS. You really aren't supposed to praise other men like that when you are in a relationship. I think both TS and I understand it isn't out of malice, but it still is showing interest in other men..that will just undermine your relationship. Also hanging out with mostly men is just plain weird when you have a bf, ESPECIALLY when some of them used to like you. My husband would never put up with that, and I would never consider putting him through that.It sounds more like you aren't fully ready for a commited or long term type of relationship.

[johan]

I'll take your side, because I've been with insecure people and I've felt insecure myself. There's a line between being careful what you say and how you say it and walking on eggshells.

 

The others have a point, but if your boyfriend responds so childishly and defensively when he feels threatened, then I'd say there is more of a problem on his side. The fact is even if you do cross the line, if he felt better about himself he would respond more positively. The kind of outbursts you describe just show that he can't deal with it very well. He could instead be firm with you and let you know that he finds some comments inappropriate. His insecurities cause him to make every situation into a fantasy that you'd rather not be with him.

 

What I'm describing is an important skill for him to develop. How you get him to develop it, I don't know. He has to figure that out for himself. And you'll probably be on eggshells until he gets a clue about it.

[sally4sara]

Sorry but I must agree with TS. You really aren't supposed to praise other men like that when you are in a relationship. I think both TS and I understand it isn't out of malice, but it still is showing interest in other men..that will just undermine your relationship. Also hanging out with mostly men is just plain weird when you have a bf, ESPECIALLY when some of them used to like you. My husband would never put up with that, and I would never consider putting him through that.It sounds more like you aren't fully ready for a commited or long term type of relationship.

 

While I don't think it is the best idea to hang out so much with guys you know are interested in you sexually, I think the part I bolded only applies to really insecure people who think a relationship is about ownership. It really comes off like when I was a kid and didn't want my little brother to pet MY CAT and it bothered me that MY CAT might end up attached to him. It was bad enough that he had MY BIKE even though I had out grown it!

Not suppose to praise other men once you're in a relationship? Why just men? Its not like we have a praise bank and there is only so much to go around. And praise isn't a gender thing; no definitive amount of guy praise in the supposed praise bank. Someone does something cool or interesting, you say "hey thats cool; good for you!" I don't see the problem. What kind of spaz gets upset about this? It doesn't mean they are now incapable of ever doing something cool or interesting and getting praised for it.

 

Seriously. Big time insecurity problems. What a headache it has got to have become for the OP to constantly have to watch what she finds praise worthy and be her BF's personal rah-rah girl or reap his angst. I like getting praised too, but I'll wait for genuine ones rather than the ones I pouted for.

[MrsHellnoFire]

I cannot take my boyfriend's insecurities! Whenever I mention that another guy knows something/has something cool, my boyfriend gets angry and says "I'm sorry I don't have that/I'm not that cool. Why don't you just go be with him? I'm sorry I'm not all you need." etc...I hate it! I was at the pool with him today, and I met another couple. The guy of this couple happens to be training to be a navy SEAL, which I thought was cool. I mentioned this to my boyfriend who replied with, "Oh, well I'm sorry, but I think he's taken. Maybe you can find it in your heart to settle for me."

 

Anytime I mention I want to hang out with my friends (who are mostly male), he gets angry and short with me, because he knows a few of them have had crushes on me in the past. There's nothing I can say to make him believe that they don't want me anymore/he doesn't have to worry about anything...He just gets angry and reverts inward. At my graduation a few weeks ago, I took a couple pictures with one guy who used to like me (we're still really good friends), but afterward my boyfriend was just plain being a jerk to me.

 

When we're watching TV, he'll tell me all the time about girls he thinks are hot. "Ohh damn, she's hot." or "Oh...I'd do her." But anytime I do that with guys, he gets angry and upset "I'm sorry I'm not tall enough for you." (He's about an inch shorter than me) or "I'm sorry I'm too Asian for you. If I left maybe you could find a nice white guy." and just rolls away from me and won't talk to me/touch me/let me touch him. I don't mind if he talks about how hot other girls are. I know he notices them, and I also know that he thinks I'm gorgeous and that I'M the one he comes home to every night. But I think it's ridiculous that he gets to play this "OMG that girl is so hot" game and I can't. He can dish it, but he can't take it!

 

I'm sick of his insecurities. I'm sick of him always saying that I'm going to cheat on him (which he has NO basis for saying...I've never done ANYTHING to even remotley hint that I would!) or I'm going to leave him or that I don't love him anymore.

 

I love this kid to death, but I am sick of his insecurities! I don't know what to say or do anymore to make him stop being so insecure!

 

he says that stuff about women to counter-attack because of how you make him feel when you are speaking of other men. the same men that you TOLD HIM ARE/WERE INTERESTED IN YOU! why did you tell him? to make him jealous or something? well it worked.

it's more threatening and closer to home when you have personal contact with these men. i think you need to cool it for a while speaking about other guys or have a talk to try quelching this guys insecurity. if all else fails, maybe a break in the relationship would help.

i really dont feel like im getting the entire story either.

[Krytie TV]

I tend to agree with Johan. There is only so much hand holding you can do before it becomes a game of having to watch everything you say. It's one thing to be insecure and maybe take things personally, but the fact that he actually responds in the way he does suggests that this is a deeply seeded issue he needs to work with.

 

As we only get one side of the story, I feel quite sure that there are probably a few things you could do to make it easier, but that likely wouldn't make it go away. For example, how does he know these guy friends used to like you? My guess is you told him that. That probably wasn't necessary and can only serve one purpose and that's to try to make someone jealous. There is no way that you should have to avoid your male friends though.

 

Do you honestly ever compliment him or is he only hearing you say compliments about other guys? It's no good for him to only hear positives about others and not about him. Anyway, this is a mutual issue, I really don't think it's all him. This may just be a classic example of people not well-suited for each other. Someone who notices good things about others and is loose lipped about talking about people that have crushes on them may not be a good match for someone who is overly insecure.

[MrsHellnoFire]

I love this kid to death, but I am sick of his insecurities! I don't know what to say or do anymore to make him stop being so insecure!

 

 

Having a deep conversation with him about it would be a start!

Beats being so concerned over message board people taking your side in a disagreement.

Usually insecurity does not materialize without warrant. I speak from personal experience.. think about the things you say and do.. the things you say when angry, your tone etc to decide if you might be adding to the problem. It's really easy to point and blame in any type of relationship, but if you dont take some personal responsibility, any relationship you are in will not be happy nor last long. Do you think it helps talking about "hot" guys on tv? Come on now.. instead of getting offensive when he mentions a "hot" girl, why not tell him how you really feel and that it upsets you. Why is it so hard to show a little of your vulnerability and be honest? Right now you are in a cycle of malicious reciprocating attacks and this needs to change into more of an honest exchange about your feelings instead of trying to get back at him later for something he did the day before or whatnot. It's not healthy.

And if this is just the way the guy is naturally, which it sounds like you want to hear from the group, maybe he needs some emotional help or be with someone that brings out different traits in him. Was he always insecure with past girlfriends? Was he cheated on?

Maybe we are all so entangled in giving advice in something that is little more than a fling. I mean, is this a serious relationship or what?

[littlekitty]

I tend to agree with Johan. There is only so much hand holding you can do before it becomes a game of having to watch everything you say. It's one thing to be insecure and maybe take things personally, but the fact that he actually responds in the way he does suggests that this is a deeply seeded issue he needs to work with.

 

As we only get one side of the story, I feel quite sure that there are probably a few things you could do to make it easier, but that likely wouldn't make it go away. For example, how does he know these guy friends used to like you? My guess is you told him that. That probably wasn't necessary and can only serve one purpose and that's to try to make someone jealous. There is no way that you should have to avoid your male friends though.

 

I completely agree with this. His comments show that this isn't just a slight insecurity, or normal reaction to something that bothers him. His reaction is WAY OTT!!

 

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If we he doesn't want you to make comments about other men, then he needs to stop commenting on other ladies.

 

He's behaving childlishly when this kind of thing does happen - rolling away and not talking to you.

 

Have you tried sitting him down and talking to him about it? Having an honest and open converstation about what bothers him and what bothers you? I think you should start there. Eventually, you might just have to accept that you can't deal his insecurities. They are his problem. While you can take steps to help him, you can stop him feeling that way. He has to do something to work on it himself.

[Carmen87]

I am siding with you. The way your bf acts is flat out ridiculous. I don't agree with the people who are saying you shouldn't praise other guys. Its not like you are saying "Omg, that guy is so amazing because of blah blah blah.'

 

My boyfriend thinks the chicks who are UFC fighters are cool and praises them, do I get pissed? No. He thinks girls who shoot guns are cool. Do I get pissed? No. That would be childish.

 

Honestly, I would ignore his behavior and not even respond to him when he acts in such a way because it will only reinforce his reactions.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Trust me, I know I am NOT giving him a reason to feel this insecure. I'm not as cold hearted as you made me seem ><

 

 

As I see it, the two of you need to work on some sort of compromise!

 

First, you need to tone down those things that trigger his big insecurities. Obviously there are some racial overtones to that... and you should try to be sensitive to that. I'm guessing that you don't really know how things feel in his shoes. Some of the stuff you mentioned... especially the part where you hang out with guys who want to have sex with you... that's kinda disrespectful to your BF.

 

Now, your BF also needs to tone things down in a big way. He is essentially screaming that he doesn't trust you. That has to end. He needs to develop some trust, and get rid of that insecurity. Maybe he could find a couple decent female friends... if he doesn't have them already. That would create balance and fairness, plus possibly provide him more confidence.

[non4321]

I agree with Carmen, for you to never be able to praise another man is ridiculous.

 

I got news for your BF, Navy Seals ARE cool, and it's very commendable to that guy that he is training to be one. For your BF to get mad for you just saying that it is cool, is completely childish.

 

Now, if it really is how you say it is, and that when you compliment another man, it's nothing sexual, just a compliment to another human, then you either just need to deal with him being this way, dump him for someone who is mature enough to deal with you talking to other people, or talk to him about it, and see if you guys can work it out.

 

As far as you hanging out with other guys, I can't say that's right or wrong, that's between you and your BF, but I'll offer you my experience.

I have many guy friends who have never expressed any interest in me, who are like brothers, and I love hanging out with. When I got more serious with my boyfriend, the time I spent with my guys decreased greatly. However, sometimes, if my boyfriend is busy with something else, and I've got time, I'll hang with the guys. I have had to deal with a smartass comment or two from my BF because of a bit of jealousy, but ultimately, he knows I'm with him, and he trusts me. I've also tried to introduce him to as many of these guys as possible, so he can be friends with them also. This has definitely helped. As far as guy friends who have expressed interest in the past, I just kind of consider it a little more respectful to limit contact with them to almost nothing. I'll add though, that that's just me, and I'm in no way saying that you're wrong for ever hanging with your guy friends who've shown interest in you.

 

That's all I've got for now.

[theobserver]

I don't know about half the guys here but I'm sure a good majority here when they were younger or now who tell a girl (thats a friend) they like them but are blown off and still have the opportunity to hang or club with them after will always try to wait for that opportunity to sleep/kiss them (there are execeptions).

 

Any woman who believes otherwise or doesn't atleast have some caution is a fool with a few exceptions due to common interest most female friends will always be an opportunity in waiting to them ( I hope you don't talk to your guy friends about your relationship troubles *rolls eyes* )

 

Your boyfriend does appear to be reacting OTT but then again we only have your story. Have you ever offered to invite him out when your with the guys, EVER? If he's said no then fair enough if he's so bothered why not tag along eh but if you've never asked or purposely say things like "it's not your scene" or anything along those lines it will fuel his distrust.

 

As one person said here but others ignore he is asian you seemed to have taken the time to mention that in your post. I'm going to presume your white or asian yourself? Due to his comment about running off with a white I'm guessing he feels your only with him for convinience or something else until "a bigger prize" comes in. I'm sure this is definently not the case.

Asian men get an extremely bad rap that is overlooked from stereotypical comments "being short, small penis, nerds" IT DOES MESS WITH A PERSON.

When your praising these men wether innocent or not and out with these other men who I'm going to presume are white males he may feel that's what you really want etc. That's just how I see it.

 

If you want this to work, if you really want to continue a long relationship with this man you must talk to him and have him let it all out all of his issues and you should let out all of yours too lay all the cards on the table. If you both feel you can work through these problems then work on them.

 

If not then don't waste eachothers lives hoping things will fix themselves and end the relationship. There's nothing worse then when I have to read these threads on couples that have wasted years of their lives together because they could not COMMUNICATE.

 

Good Luck whatever you decide to do.

[twice_shy]

Whoa there buddy ><

 

I think you may have taken my post the wrong way.

 

I don't go out of my way to praise other guys; I do it the same as I praise other girls. I don't do it to anger him, I mention things I think are cool because I think it's interesting and he might find it interesting too. It's not done with malice or to make him jealous.

 

I'm sure that is the case and you aren't meaning anything by it, but have you ever stepped back and thought of how it might look to him?

 

 

I tell him I love him, do little things for him, compliment him all the time, take care of him, etc...

 

Well thats good. Was thinking maybe you didn't and just didn't realize it.

 

 

I didn't start praising guys or saying guys are hot until AFTER he started commenting on girls.

 

Well I gotta be honest, if a SO I was with ogled another guy and said, "I do him", she'd be history. She may say she is kidding, but there is truth to it and people like that I don't think have a track record of being faithful.

 

Maybe next time he says he "do" a certain girl, whether it is a TV celeb or not, just tell him, "well get out of here and go do her then."

 

 

I don't mind him doing it, honestly...I'm happy to rate and compare opinions with him on girls. But he couldn't take it when I started doing it.

 

Yes, but to say he'd "do" another girl...that is incredibly insensitive of him. And again, he might say he's kidding, but there is truth in comments like that.

 

 

Trust me, I know I am NOT giving him a reason to feel this insecure. I'm not as cold hearted as you made me seem

 

No, I didn't make you seem that way. I was curious if you simply didn't take a look at how you say things in front of him. You cleared that up that you are not shoving it in his face.

 

 

The other guy friends, I can understand him not being thrilled about...But honestly, I think it's ridiculous that he gets upset STILL.

 

Well this IS the part where he has a right to be uncomfortable. Your guy friends can fulfill the same needs that he can. Of course he isn't going to be happy about this, and I don't blame him.

 

 

He knows I never had feelings for these boys and that he is the only one I want.

 

I don't think he does know that. Otherwise he wouldn't be upset. And it doesn't help that a few of the guys you hang out with were once smitten by you. Not good.

 

 

Or at least he should, I tell him three times a week! Just because a male friend had feelings for me in the past is no reason to break off a friendship. He should trust me enough not to get pissed off!

 

No offense, but I haven't seen many girls/women who have alot of guy friends that they go out with that are very trustworthy. There may be some exceptions and you may be one of them.

 

I have female friends, but they aren't the type of friends I hang out with or go out with. I just find that would be disrespectful to my SO.

[twice_shy]

I am siding with you. The way your bf acts is flat out ridiculous. I don't agree with the people who are saying you shouldn't praise other guys. Its not like you are saying "Omg, that guy is so amazing because of blah blah blah.'

 

Thats why I asked her to take a step back and see how it might look to him. I'm not saying she shouldn't praise other guys. Maybe she doesn't realize how she is doing it, and I'm not saying she IS doing it in a manner that would give her bf reasons to be uncomfortable.

 

But she may not realize that the way she is praising them may look to her bf like she is wetting her panties over these other guys.

 

but then again, if he is going to tell her that he'd "do" other girls, then tough sh#t for him. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

[MrsHellnoFire]

 

but then again, if he is going to tell her that he'd "do" other girls, then tough sh#t for him. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

 

I really think he is saying these words to get back at her for her behavior and how it made him feel. I can be wrong, but who really is insensitive enough to say this in front of their partner without any reason? The OP is trying to make herself sound so innocent in all of this and usually those are the people that cannot face their own contributory behavior in the relationship problems. I really think it is wrong to hang out with men you know have the hots for you as well and rub it into her boyfriend's face. Not right at all. She needs to talk to these guys to let them know her boundaries and the seriousness of her relationship and have group hangouts (BF included- I think a lot of the tension would subside if they all got to know eachother better), not her going out with them alone imo. Or is that unreasonable?

[porter218]

While I don't think it is the best idea to hang out so much with guys you know are interested in you sexually, I think the part I bolded only applies to really insecure people who think a relationship is about ownership. It really comes off like when I was a kid and didn't want my little brother to pet MY CAT and it bothered me that MY CAT might end up attached to him. It was bad enough that he had MY BIKE even though I had out grown it!

Not suppose to praise other men once you're in a relationship? Why just men? Its not like we have a praise bank and there is only so much to go around. And praise isn't a gender thing; no definitive amount of guy praise in the supposed praise bank. Someone does something cool or interesting, you say "hey thats cool; good for you!" I don't see the problem. What kind of spaz gets upset about this? It doesn't mean they are now incapable of ever doing something cool or interesting and getting praised for it.

 

Seriously. Big time insecurity problems. What a headache it has got to have become for the OP to constantly have to watch what she finds praise worthy and be her BF's personal rah-rah girl or reap his angst. I like getting praised too, but I'll wait for genuine ones rather than the ones I pouted for.

 

I really don't know what type of R you are in. It really isn't about ownership or insecurity, and I am not by any means walking on eggshells. It is just a normal part of maturing as you get older to lose interest in people other than your SO. A little comment here or there is OK, but it just sounds like this girl is going out of her way to constantly comment on men. I agree that they way he is showing his dismay is immature as well...but he is right to be concerned. She seems to be treating this R like a high school fling type of thing. But then again I have no idea what age group these kids fit into? The expectations of a R change with age and level of commitment.

[sally4sara]

I really don't know what type of R you are in. It really isn't about ownership or insecurity, and I am not by any means walking on eggshells. It is just a normal part of maturing as you get older to lose interest in people other than your SO. A little comment here or there is OK, but it just sounds like this girl is going out of her way to constantly comment on men. I agree that they way he is showing his dismay is immature as well...but he is right to be concerned. She seems to be treating this R like a high school fling type of thing. But then again I have no idea what age group these kids fit into? The expectations of a R change with age and level of commitment.

 

I'm in the type of relationship where we've been together for 4 years and are getting married and we both can compliment people of the opposite gender, even ones we have history with, without thinking it means more than someone did something cool and one of us is acknowledging it. Even to the point of letting one of his ex's stay with us for a month while she took a class to teach English over seas because the class was in our town and we thought it was cool that she was trying to accomplish it. She helped him pick out the engagement ring.

I agree that hanging out with people who have shown an interest in you while you are in a relationship isn't the greatest idea because it can seem like encouragement to the person who voices the attraction BUT - The way OP's BF is handling the compliment things is making it a bigger problem than it ever needed to be. If it ever needed to be a problem at all.

[theobserver]

Even to the point of letting one of his ex's stay with us for a month while she took a class to teach English over seas because the class was in our town and we thought it was cool that she was trying to accomplish it. She helped him pick out the engagement ring.

 

Damn off topic but my girlfriend wouldn't let someone that's rode my d*ck stay over at ours >< you must have an amazing trust but I bet you never left them alone lol (apart from getting the ring) and if you did *sigh* for me that would be too creepy even with my ex's who I am in good standing with it would be too imposing I guess he's just good friends with her though and you respect that.

 

Anyway I hope the OP comes back with an update it's a shame how some of these threads wont get a conclusion.

[MrsHellnoFire]

I'm in the type of relationship where we've been together for 4 years and are getting married and we both can compliment people of the opposite gender, even ones we have history with, without thinking it means more than someone did something cool and one of us is acknowledging it. Even to the point of letting one of his ex's stay with us for a month while she took a class to teach English over seas because the class was in our town and we thought it was cool that she was trying to accomplish it. She helped him pick out the engagement ring.

I agree that hanging out with people who have shown an interest in you while you are in a relationship isn't the greatest idea because it can seem like encouragement to the person who voices the attraction BUT - The way OP's BF is handling the compliment things is making it a bigger problem than it ever needed to be. If it ever needed to be a problem at all.

 

 

That's a pretty different situation though. It's clear they are just friends and have no leftover feelings for eachother in a romantic way. The OP has made in clear that in her situation, these men still want her sexually and for some reason, she let this be known to her boyfriend AND still hangs out with these men/compliments them etc. Why hang out when you KNOW they do not see you as ONLY a friend? And I would also like to know HOW SHE KNOWS THEY SEE HER IN THAT WAY? DO THEY COME ONTO HER OR TELL HER? If you are in a relationship and want the opposite sex for friendship, it should always be viewed from both sides in a platonic way.

 

If it's all in the past, then I guess it's a different story. After reading her post again, I'm thinking that may be the case and the guy has some high insecurities about his physical characteristics which nobody would be able to help but a psychologist. She needs to tell him to trust her or end the relationship.

 

I still find your situation a little odd because most people would not be understanding enough to allow past loves to stay at their partner's place.

But If I recall at the beginning of my relationship, my boyfriend went job-hunting with his ex. I viewed it as pretty innocent at the time, but I still did not like it!

[Trialbyfire]

I think your b/f needs someone who views relationships in the same way he does.

 

You believe you don't need to amend your behaviour to appease his insecurities, valid or invalid. He reacts very poorly to this, so it becomes a vicious game.

[twice_shy]

I really think he is saying these words to get back at her for her behavior and how it made him feel.

 

could be, but we really don't know.

 

But lets say he is saying those things to get back at her. I would think that her complimenting of other men would have to be pretty bad for him to tell her he'd "do" another woman that he finds attractive.

 

Personally I wouldn't stoop that low. If someone I was with lambasted me with a superfluous affections for other guys, I'd just tell her to have at it and I'd move on.

 

I don't get the sense, however, that the OP is doing that to this guy. It would depend. If she is constantly bragging on other guys, talking about other guys constantly, and hanging out with too many guys, then I can see him getting upset.

 

But if it were bad enough for him to try to tell her he'd screw someone, then I'd think he'd rather leave the R.

 

I can be wrong, but who really is insensitive enough to say this in front of their partner without any reason?

 

Oh you'd be surprised, I dumped someone because it was obvious she was infatuated with too many guys, was too fickle, and for that I felt she wasn't trustworthy. She made comments all the time. I told her I didn't appreciate it, she kept doing it, so one day I stopped going over. It took ignoring alot of her calls before she got the hint she wasn't worth my time.

 

 

The OP is trying to make herself sound so innocent in all of this and usually those are the people that cannot face their own contributory behavior in the relationship problems. I really think it is wrong to hang out with men you know have the hots for you as well and rub it into her boyfriend's face.

 

Well I agree it is inappropriate to hang out with alot of guys, but I don't think she is rubbing it in his face. I think some people just don't realize how it looks from their SO's point of view.

[sally4sara]

Damn off topic but my girlfriend wouldn't let someone that's rode my d*ck stay over at ours >< you must have an amazing trust but I bet you never left them alone lol (apart from getting the ring) and if you did *sigh* for me that would be too creepy even with my ex's who I am in good standing with it would be too imposing I guess he's just good friends with her though and you respect that.

 

Anyway I hope the OP comes back with an update it's a shame how some of these threads wont get a conclusion.

 

I went out of town for 4 days while she was staying with us. They dated for 6 months something like 10 years ago. I figure 10 years of nothing but friendship even during the times both were single means it is a legitimate friendship. Plus, I'm a details person and can read behavior; he knows it. If anything had gone down while I was gone, he would be hard pressed to hide it.

My post was in response to someone wondering what kind of relationship I would be in to give the advise I gave. And the further point is that there is no clear cut code of conduct guaranteed for people in a relationship that will make it last the long haul. So jumping all over the OP about how wrong it is to give guys compliments while in a relationship is ridiculous. If that is how she is and her BF is not, it would indicate they are not compatible.

[sally4sara]

That's a pretty different situation though. It's clear they are just friends and have no leftover feelings for eachother in a romantic way. The OP has made in clear that in her situation, these men still want her sexually and for some reason, she let this be known to her boyfriend AND still hangs out with these men/compliments them etc. Why hang out when you KNOW they do not see you as ONLY a friend? And I would also like to know HOW SHE KNOWS THEY SEE HER IN THAT WAY? DO THEY COME ONTO HER OR TELL HER? If you are in a relationship and want the opposite sex for friendship, it should always be viewed from both sides in a platonic way.

 

If it's all in the past, then I guess it's a different story. After reading her post again, I'm thinking that may be the case and the guy has some high insecurities about his physical characteristics which nobody would be able to help but a psychologist. She needs to tell him to trust her or end the relationship.

 

I still find your situation a little odd because most people would not be understanding enough to allow past loves to stay at their partner's place.

But If I recall at the beginning of my relationship, my boyfriend went job-hunting with his ex. I viewed it as pretty innocent at the time, but I still did not like it!

 

But the OP stated that he gets upset even when she compliments guy's accomplishments (not their physical person) who have not expressed interest in her. He can't handle her thinking good things of any kind about any guy period.