jonesec Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 So I have been in a LDR for about 2 1/2 years. We met when he was still living in the same town, but he moved away two weeks about we went on our first date. Unintentionally, we started our LDR after our phone calls started to get longer and longer every time. I didn't intend to enter a LDR, it just happened. I was and am still madly in love with him. I pursued him in the beginning, and the boldness I showed back then has never resurfaced. I new that since I went so far out of my comfort zone to get him that it was something special. He is very much in love with me, and claims that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. Our current situation is this. He lives and works in the neighboring state during the week and comes to see me on the weekends. There is a two hour distance between the two locations. This has been the routine for the last year and a half. We talk on the phone twice a day usually, once if we are too busy. I find that most of the time our conversations on the phone are so pointless, and we are just talking for the sake of routine. I feel like the 'weekend girlfriend' while he goes off to live another life during the week. Not to say that I don't have a life during the week, but this constant leaving and coming leaves me so insecure about us, him, and his intentions. I know he has no intention of breaking the cycle any time soon, since he was just promoted and is talking about getting a new house closer to his work. I feel like if we are going to be stuck in this cycle for years to come then we should just become friends and spare the heartache. The bottom line is this: A weekend is too short of a time to go through all the emotions of seeing him and seeing him leave, and a week is too short to stop missing him just to start again. It forces such strong emotions into tiny time frames, and comes too close to trying to mimic a normal relationship. Does that even make since? I am so confused.
kizik Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 I will never do an LDR again. It killed me. Talked to the ex every day for 10 months and it killed me. When all you want is to hug them and kiss them, you think a voice on the phone helps? No, it just hurts. You're right, you're just mimicing a normal relationship. You should end it. Be friends, after a period of NC.
northstar1 Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 I will never do an LDR again. It killed me. Talked to the ex every day for 10 months and it killed me. When all you want is to hug them and kiss them, you think a voice on the phone helps? No, it just hurts. You're right, you're just mimicing a normal relationship. You should end it. Be friends, after a period of NC. I hear ya Kiz. I just can't do the LDR. The girl i was dating moved to another continent for work (so not even a chance of seeing each other) and we tried to stay in touch - but it was just too much, too hard. Too easy to lose the nuances you get when you are communicating face to face. Without the proximity and intmacy (for me anyways), things just begin to slowly grow apart. The stress was unreal. And sadly, after a few months, we both realized we couldn't keep it up any longer and it ended. I just don't think I could go through it again. But for those it does work for and they can handle it - I'm happy.
Author jonesec Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 Yes, he does act like everything is fine on his end. I have brought up how I feel, many times. He knows that it is hard on me and says he is willing to do anything to keep me, but I cannot ask him to quit his job. It just isn't something I will ever do. I feel like maybe if we just take the pressure of the label of "relationship" off, we might do better. Put some 'distance' between us, so that there isn't pressure to try to be so close or perfect.
Ronni_W Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 I feel like maybe if we just take the pressure of the label of "relationship" off, we might do better. Put some 'distance' between us, so that there isn't pressure to try to be so close or perfect. Is there something that is blocking taking it to the next step? ~ moving closer to where he is? ~ sharing a house? Or is it that you're starting to think the relationship has run its natural course, from your side of things? Where is the pressure to be close and perfect coming from? ~ is he feeling it, too?
Lucky_One Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Dating for 2 years seems like a pretty serious relationship to me. What are the plans for the future? Why don't you move to where he is?
Author jonesec Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 I can't move to where he is because I am still attending college. Plus, I would be moving away from my family, and my life. Which, is a whole different issue/topic in itself. Moving is not the next step, but I feel like until we get to that stage there is nothing left to do besides wait. I don't know if it is something inside of me that says things have to start happening for it to be worth it, or if its just expected out of any relationship by everyone else. With so many outside influences, a relationship can be turned into so many other things you never wanted it to be. Finding the balance between being able to handle what it has become and what you think it should be is hard.
Lucky_One Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 You say moving is not the next step. So what is it, then? You won't move there, he isn't going to leave his job and move to where you are? What other sort of next step can there be? Relationships take compromise. You won't go to where he is bc you would be leaving your family and your life - but you expect him to do that for you?
BillClam Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I wish I was the distance most of you had with my failed LDR, I wish we had the liberty to have seen each other more often, but due to her work schedule, we didn't have such freedoms. I'm sorry, but I see an hour to two hours as nothing, at any moment, you can decide to drive over there. I didn't have that luxury, and not alot of LDR's do I imagine. So I have to ask whether this week/weekend thing is really the issue at hand here. Even in a real relationship, one where there is no distance, there has to be times when one person isn't going to be readily available for the other. If you're not getting what you feel you should be out of a relatively short distance LDR, than maybe it isn't the distance you're worried about?
Lovelybird Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I find that most of the time our conversations on the phone are so pointless, and we are just talking for the sake of routine. Hasn't every couple have that kind of conversation? they should have more exciting conversations EACH DAY? I feel like maybe if we just take the pressure of the label of "relationship" off, we might do better. Put some 'distance' between us, so that there isn't pressure to try to be so close or perfect. sound good advice here. you already have 'distance', maybe just stop trying perfect and follow the flow? what meant to be will be
Karyyk Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I did this for 6 years. 6 long years. I actually didn't mind the "pointless" conversations. They were a lot more enjoyable and flowed a lot more easily than a lot of our "serious" ones. One thing I will say though, is that after over two years, if he doesn't seem to be any closer to moving towards a resolution (being together), then he's probably not going to on his own. He's comfortable, and the longer it goes like this, the less apt he's going to be to change things. Don't go with the flow. You need to be serious about what you want and when you want it to happen. If you and him don't see eye to eye, you might just be wasting your time. I hate to be so blunt, especially as much as this means to you, but having this conversation *NOW* will be better than having it after 6 years. As long as things are as they are, you're going to have to have that conversation sooner or later. Make it sooner.
TMichaels Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 jonesec, Here's a novel idea for you... I think you and lonelyindistance should get together. Both of you are not happy with your LDRs and are considering throwing in the towel rather than go through the pain and sacrifice such a relationship requires. Perhaps something enlightening or good would come out of that? Best, TMichaels
Author jonesec Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 You say moving is not the next step. So what is it, then? You won't move there, he isn't going to leave his job and move to where you are? What other sort of next step can there be? Relationships take compromise. You won't go to where he is bc you would be leaving your family and your life - but you expect him to do that for you? First of all, his family and friends are in my town, not where he is now, so his job is literally the only thing there. I won't move because i'm still in school. If I weren't, I would move in a heartbeat. The issue isn't on moving, we both realize that there isn't really a next step we can take. The issue is what do you do when there is no next step. When we are standing still in the same spot until we are free from our current commitments.
Author jonesec Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 I did this for 6 years. 6 long years. I actually didn't mind the "pointless" conversations. They were a lot more enjoyable and flowed a lot more easily than a lot of our "serious" ones. One thing I will say though, is that after over two years, if he doesn't seem to be any closer to moving towards a resolution (being together), then he's probably not going to on his own. He's comfortable, and the longer it goes like this, the less apt he's going to be to change things. Don't go with the flow. You need to be serious about what you want and when you want it to happen. If you and him don't see eye to eye, you might just be wasting your time. I hate to be so blunt, especially as much as this means to you, but having this conversation *NOW* will be better than having it after 6 years. As long as things are as they are, you're going to have to have that conversation sooner or later. Make it sooner. Your bluntness is welcome. Thats what I came here for; I need direction. I did have 'the talk' with him this past weekend. He said something interesting. I brought up the idea of putting some distance between us, maybe being more of friends, to make it easier on us until we can actually be together. He told me that it helps him to classify things different in his head, like telling himself that this relationship is more casual that it really is. he says that might be the reason he seems distant sometimes. My only worry is that after so long of tricking himself, is he going to start believing that? When that happens we will basically be broken up anyway. The point is, I brought it to his attention, and he realizes that this is hard on me. I'm not looking for him to compromise with his job or anything. I just need a way to deal with this. I DO WANT TO BE WITH HIM. I'm not looking to be with anyone else, so breaking up is not really what I want to do. I just think that maybe there is no real solution to my problem, so breaking up is the only other option besides riding it out, which is what I would rather do. For some previous replies I have gotten: It may seem like I'm being wimpish, but you have to understand that not everyone is strong enough to survive a LDR, so condemning me for not thinking I can make it work is not appreciated.
Karyyk Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I wanted to be with her too. That's why I stayed in it so long, that's why I supported her financially, etc. Sometimes these things don't work out. What I'm worried about is that when he "classifies" things differently, what he's really doing is rationalizing it in his mind, that it's not a trick. I mean, he's basically convincing himself that your relationship is less than it is, hence the distance (which comes from a measure of detaching himself emotionally). This sounds an AWFUL LOT like what my ex did in her mind. I'm not asking/telling you to break up with him, but I am telling you that you need to force him to be totally honest with you. I know you want to ride it out, hoping that eventually you two will be together, but if he's not on that same page, the damage done later will be multiplied immensely. When people want to be together, they make it happen. I was ready to quit my job and move 750 miles away from home when I thought the time was right, but she didn't agree with me on the timing. She never did. Make sure that the two of you have the same end goal, if not a time frame. Some of the things he's saying are quite confusing. I'm not questioning your resolve and commitment in this, or the sacrifice being made, I just want to make sure that it's reciprocated.
Author jonesec Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 I wanted to be with her too. That's why I stayed in it so long, that's why I supported her financially, etc. Sometimes these things don't work out. What I'm worried about is that when he "classifies" things differently, what he's really doing is rationalizing it in his mind, that it's not a trick. I mean, he's basically convincing himself that your relationship is less than it is, hence the distance (which comes from a measure of detaching himself emotionally). This sounds an AWFUL LOT like what my ex did in her mind. Thats what I was worried about. I don't want him to be convincing himself that our relationship doesn't need as much attention or commitment as any other relationship. Great reply.
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