I do everything wrong, it's terrible..

[Jokerman]

Hiya folks,

 

some three months ago I started working at a new place. Of course I know people say keep away from falling in love there, but soon I had a crush on one of my colleagues whom I was flirting with a lot. I first thought I don't want to make things awkward at work and so would never try to make more out of it, but for some reason gave it a go a couple of weeks ago and asked her on a date as soon as we both had the same day off. I asked her what she would like to do most, going for lunch, the park, funfair, dinner, the films, and many more. She said she was waiting for it and would like best to do all of that. So as we met the next day - I alas came about 20mins late, but she said it's ok and I shouldn't worry - I took her out for lunch, as we walked towards the restaurant she linked arms straight away. The lunch was nice and we had lots to talk and laughter. I insisted paying and after that we went for a walk in the park, although it was drizzling a bit. We watched some ducks und spent about two hours talking and walking around again. After that I suggested we go for the films, but she said she had headache and would prefer something else and we would go to the films another time. So we decided to ramble around and then go have dinner. We spent an hour at an internet café, had a little snack and a drink and then went to a indian restaurant. It was very nice over all and I thought it went quite well, we had a bottle of wine and a set menu with two additional starters and wouldn't leave before the kicked us out. She insisted paying this time but I got her to make it half/half. As she didn't wan't me to walk her home (it's about 15mins the wrong direction for me) I just walked her to the bus stop and waited for the bus, two kisses on the cheeks and off she was. Later she send me a message she had arrived home safe and wanted to repeat, though it would have been to early (she's somewhat of a nightowl).

 

Right, the next day I met her at work again. I am quite shy and so I didn't go for the kisses, but nonetheless we flirtet on quite a bit and linked to yesterdays talks. Nice that was, and I asked her out again the next week. We couldn't decide what we wanted to do and she said she had not much money, so I would come to her place and cook lunch. She wanted me to fix her laptop as well which didn't allow her on the internet. That's exactly what we did, we met at the supermarket, shoped, I cooked, we ate, nice chat, I fixed her laptop. We then watched some movies - that is from 5 o'clock in the afternoon to 5 o'clock the next morning. Though it was weird as we seemed to be physically quite distanced, she sat close by me but just wouldn't huddle against me. Just sporadically she had her hand on my knee or sth when she was doing something. So after some time I tried grabbing her hand, and she did even hold back, which isn't to bad afterall, I though. But there was still this distance, and I stared at her face some times but she just smiled and then asked "what's up?", "nothing" I said and went ahead watching the film. I though it was quite obvious what I was wanting. Anyway, later we both where tired and she asked me whether I want to sleep on the sofa or upstairs with her but she would prefer me to sleep on the sofa. So I said, well it's up to you. If you prefer me on the sofa I'm fine with that. She the said she wouldn't mind, but I said "no, it's okay." We said good night and she went to bed, I slept on the sofa. No goodnight kiss, no hug, nothing. Well ok, as I left for work the next day I said her goodbye but she was very sleepy. She later sent me a text that she was sorry for being so sleepy but had just needed the rest, which is fair enough I thought.

 

Now here is where besides all the small mistakes I already made I screwed it up... two days later we again worked together. The day before I told my boss she would need someone extra on the next day's shift but she insisted we would be fine and therere wasn't much to do. As usual she was wrong though and I had to cope with the consequences. Secretly she rang up other co-workers and asked them to come in, which I didn't know and so was very upset. It wasn't the first time. My crush of course saw I wasn't alright and asked me what's up.. But in that moment I thought I better won't tell her, because it would look as if I was complaining about the work all the time. I said "nothing, it's ok" twice but then as she asked again I said it was none of her business, how could I? And of course she got upset with me, which I didn't even realise, though. But she was frowing all day upon this moment and not speak to me. Only after I asked five time she said "you're nasty". I wanted to speak to her after work, tell her I'm sorry for the morning and that I really liked her but was confused whether it'd be the same for her. But she took a ride with a deliveryman after work and just gave me a cold bye through the door of the changing room as she went off.

 

Next day I had a picknic with some friends, but she was working. So after she finished I sent her a text that I was a-going to go out with some friends and if she would want to come, as I would always enjoy being beside her and would like her. She wrote back that my message would've been very sweet, but next line she asked whether I was drunk. I wrote back no I wasn't, but that I would in fact enjoy her company very much. But there has been a transmission fault and she only got a empty message. I so then, being asked to send it again, told her it was nothing bad only good, she shouldn't worry and I wasn't drunk. She asked again to tell her, but I thought challenge it and said I would tell her the next time we had some time for us... She just asked back whether I would think that woudl ever be the case. I didn't reply.

 

Now the other day I got her to talk after work. I insited she tell me what's up and there it was. "It's none of your business I should say, shouldn't I?" Where she denied she was upset with me first and said it just was how she was. Well, so I tried telling her that I was really vexed that day and I told her that I liked her and if she just wants to keep it by that now... "We're just working together, why should I worry what's up with you, why should I care - I just work with you"

. Well what should I say? I looked stared at her, looking sad, sighed and shook my head slightly. She asked whether I was okay and I said of course not. I wanted to say "Bloody hell, don't you see that I f*ing like you?", but I was overwhelmed with emotions and didn't do. Instead I sank my head, and she asking whether I it was okay I clearly said "No, it's not okay.", said see you while I turned away and went off, since I didn't want her to see me cry and felt quite like I would have to if I would stay. Again there was this voice in my head telling me to "go back and tell her that you like her as hell." But I didn't. That was last Sunday.

 

Today we were on the same shift again, but I was sick and couldn't get cover, which meant I worked but was very off-colour. She, (wonder!), said hello as nothing happened and asked if I was alright. I told her that I was sick but couldn't finde cover. She told me she'll get along fine and I could go home. So I got changed, popped in again and said "Thank you, yeah?", she said "it's okay" and we said bye and well now I'm here, wondering whether I have messed up, if there is any hope and what I could do to safe it.. I like her so much, but I just don't understand her, it's as if I was a teenager of 14, 15 years again. It's terrible... and, sorry for not getting it shorter.

[stkndapst]

Well, it seems that you are a pretty sweet/respectful guy I see where she might have gotten a bit cold and distant though. And you are right, "none of your business" is a big no-no! However, it is very easy to get angry people keep asking something you don't really want to answer and that is why I understand why you replied the way you did. Although, it wasn't the best way to respond to someone, it wasn't as bad as what she is making it seem like for her to act the way that she is. you know what I mean?

It seems like your date with her went very well it's much more than what any other guy would do for a girl. There aren't many more guys like that around anymore, so she should feel pretty lucky for having a guy like you be interested in her so much. Have you approached her again and asked her if that is why she changed with you?

[refurb]

First off, you need to calm down. Stop blowing things out of proportion. You make a cold remark and that turns into "I do everything wrong"?

 

The problem is, you two are at the beginning of a relationship, so comments like "it's none of your business" are taken in the context of "oh, he must not feel the way I thought he did". If you two had a bit more history, she could probably blow it off and not take it personally.

 

I'll bet that she has been thinking about this as much as you have.

 

You wanna know the right/smart thing to do? Next time you see her, tell her you want to apologize for your comment. Tell her you really like her and that you feel bad for snapping at her (that's all it was). Tell her it had nothing to do with her.

 

Relationships move forward when people open up to each other and are honest about how they feel. Consider this an opportunity to move things to the next level.

 

RF

 

PS You need to stop treating her like a best friend and start showing some sexual interest in her. You don't have to grab her ass or something, but if you feel like kissing her, DO IT! Don't feel guilty that you find her sexually attractive. If you wait for her to initiate stuff, it may never happen.

[Hotel Paradiso]

Honestly, I think that was way too much, too quick. You spent nearly the entire day together and tried to start spending every waking second with her.

 

Relationships need to breathe at the beginning and take their time. Unless a girl is crazy, crazy, crazy about you, it's going to be smothering her if you're around her consistantly when you start dating her.

 

That's what I think happened.

 

Also, btw - I'm no professional psychologist, but I think you've got some codependency issues going on if you felt you needed to be around her that much from the very beginning.

[monkey00]

I'm not sure where it all went wrong. But it sounds to me that you two were on different pages. You expected things to move fast and it sounds to me that she just wanted to test the waters with you...it's quite possible that she wants to leave her options open.

 

When you make a date or hangout with a girl, say "Hey, I know this great restaurant by X let's go there afterwork and grab a bite."

Or "Hey, X how's it going? blah blah blah, by the way I'm going down for some coffee afterwork, you wanna join me?"

 

Honestly I think it was a bad start when you offered options to her. Where most women expect the guy to make a stand and be decisive on what to do.

[Jokerman]

Thanks for all your answeres, some made me think a lot and opened other perspectives. I have backed off a bit for now and will not see her before Friday at work. Also I have decided to change my workplace, which is nothing with her but I just don't get along with my new boss (had another boss whom I really liked when I started in the company). So it'll only be two or three more weeks working with her. Do you guys think that could relax everything a bit and open new spaces? I think it will make myself more at ease, but also I fear loosing a good contact-point then..

 

@stkndapst, I didn't ask her for that - would seem rather weird, wouldn't it? Though I think her interacting again/stopping to ignore me is a good sign she doesn't directly want to give everything up with me upon this thing. But I'm of course not sure, she seems to wonder why I care about her. When I recently asked if she's okay she somewhat bewildered asked "now you worry about me?" but then proceeded in giving me a normal answer..

 

@refurb, you mean I should apologise again? Doesn't that maybe look a bit 'over-apologetic'? I mean, I apologised to her texting the day after the incident and told her it was not meant to be with her and the day after work where I tried talking to her said I'm sorry for it. Do you think I should tell her again?

 

Your PS is what I thought right before I put her off like that, think I might really have a problem with insecurity here - which I didn't really have before.. Her signals are to mixed up I think, I'm often just not sure whether she'd be okay with it or not..

 

@hotel, it's absolutely right that we see each other too often. But that's more because of work and then wanting to do something out there together. We both work a lot and so see each other almost every day there, but I only spent one of my two days off with her in those two weeks, the other I took for my mates.. don't think I have (had) this "needing to be around her all the time", where do you see that - maybe I just don't realise it?

 

@monkey00, you absolutely hit the point of the title, it's just all the little things from the beginnig. I always think how I should have done things differently, shouldn't've offered her to choose, should've been more decisive, should've gone for the kisses and so forth.. do you think I disqualified myself a bit then?

[refurb]

@refurb, you mean I should apologise again? Doesn't that maybe look a bit 'over-apologetic'? I mean, I apologised to her texting the day after the incident and told her it was not meant to be with her and the day after work where I tried talking to her said I'm sorry for it. Do you think I should tell her again?

 

Your PS is what I thought right before I put her off like that, think I might really have a problem with insecurity here - which I didn't really have before.. Her signals are to mixed up I think, I'm often just not sure whether she'd be okay with it or not..

 

OK, I didn't know you actually apologized (your post is REALLY long and I ain't gonna read it again!).

 

Yeah, don't bother apologizing twice. I guess what I'm trying to say is put yourself out there and tell her how you really feel. You said you won't be working with her in a few weeks, so you could say something like "Hey, it seems like we got off on the wrong foot. We won't be working together in a few weeks, but I'd like to give it another try. Are you up for it?"

 

Anyways, don't say that exactly because it sounds stupid, but you get the point. Be honest with her and say it in a way that leaves it up to her. Whatever you say, make sure it leaves no doubt as to how you feel. Often people in relationships gets too caught up in the thoughts going through their head because they have no idea on how the other person is feeling and they can't read their mind.

 

Concerning the sexual interest, very few chicks will hold it against a guy if he goes for a kiss, but she wants to take it slower. Plus, if it works out, you get a lot better idea of where you stand!

 

Good luck!!

 

RF

[v33]

Honestly, I think that was way too much, too quick. You spent nearly the entire day together and tried to start spending every waking second with her.

 

Relationships need to breathe at the beginning and take their time. Unless a girl is crazy, crazy, crazy about you, it's going to be smothering her if you're around her consistantly when you start dating her.

 

Yup, I have been guilty of this and have blown a few budding relationships because of it. A big mistake I made recently was to spend the next morning and part of day with a girl after our first real date the night before. We ran out of things to say and I think it left her feeling pretty underwhelmed by the experience.

 

I agree that unless the girl is just totally nuts about you from the get go (and usually these types end up being trouble later) you gotta take it really easy at first as far as the amount of time you spend with her and the interest you show.

[Lucky_One]

"Though it was weird as we seemed to be physically quite distanced, she sat close by me but just wouldn't huddle against me. Just sporadically she had her hand on my knee or sth when she was doing something. So after some time I tried grabbing her hand, and she did even hold back, which isn't to bad afterall, I though. But there was still this distance, and I stared at her face some times but she just smiled and then asked "what's up?", "nothing" I said and went ahead watching the film. I though it was quite obvious what I was wanting."

 

What was it you were wanting?

[Jokerman]

It's so strange, she yesterday night sent me a message via facebook asking if I was better and telling me to take care of myself and I should enjoy my day off.. well, I wrote back that I was feeling better and thanking her for the message and asked her how she was and whether I would see her the next day then (we were both supposed to work this friday on double shift). Now she told me she'd be off and so we won't and adde she was alright but it could be better..

 

Now, as I was just typing an answer there popped up a chat window with her, so we had a little chat. Within that I asked her what it was that could be better but she first wouldn't tell me.. so I asked if there was anything I could do to cheer her up and she said I was already doing so by worrying about her... well, fair enough that is. Finally she told me it was just not the best time of her life, nothing more.. Further asking didn't lead to anything so I let off interrogating. I told her I'd have to go get some groceries and if there was anything I could do she should just tell me.. but I wanted to write that she's important to me somewhere within there and said I missed a line (don't know why I sometimes do that?) - Anyway, she asking what it was I said nothing important but somehow she made me say "arghs" and "you know that I like you, yeah?" which just made her asking why I would tell her that now...

 

I'm again totally unsecure it feels so much like she just wanted to be buddies, good friends, whatever, nothing more.. and yet that she cares and wants me to care is opposed, or not? And I won't see her till Tuesday probably then :'(

 

Lucky1: I wanted her to come closer, cuddle, eventually kiss her.. you think maybe it's not really obvious if you keep starring at her, holding her hand, instead of watching the film?

[monkey00]

sounds like she's not that into bro.

 

I don't think it'll do you any good to attempt at reading between the lines of what she says. Nor I don't think being her friend will help you either. I think you should just forget about her and go about your own life, she knows your contact...if she wants to date again she'll contact you.

[Lucky_One]

I think I am older than you by a little (am in my 30's), but I think that a guy should make the first move. If you are sitting there close enough to hold my hand, then you are close enough to slide a hand into my hair and very gently lean in for a kiss. If she don't want you to kiss her, then you will know after that!

 

Darned if I am going to go kiss a guy just bc he is staring at me. For all I know, I have a booger or something that he is looking at!

[Jokerman]

Hey guys,

 

it's a little while ago now since I posted last on that. And well, now I think who said let her alone was right. I tried a little harder, and finally got around to meet up with her again the other day. Now I was talking to her a lot, she explained me over and over she was fed up with all the immature guys out and in general wouldn't want a boyfriend anyhow for now. However, again she tried to sort of keep things open and wouldn't give a definite statement about me. Now we came quite close again after that and when I changed my shifts to see her we went to the films, she was more affectionate then before and I felt so damn close. Later cooking together and hanging about in her living room she for the first time leaned against me, oh so nice that was. She laid her hand on the sofa opened so I felt invited to grab it and I did. Dunno whether she did it on purpose now, but then I felt like. I planned to go home for the night but we ended up sharing a bed, I held her in my arms sleeping for a while and she seemed ok with it. But when she had to leave early for work in the morning, just a hug, kiss on the cheeks. Well, still, that was fine. But I think I got myself tricked here.

 

Now I feel more affactionate then ever, just want to kiss her, hold her hands and never let go, the usual thing if you get close to another person. But things change, I'm just a little idiot sometimes, really. Being tiddly yesterday I was chatting with her, then finally told her I can't be friends with her. Because of the way I feel I said, if it goes on like that my affaction would just accumulate and tear me apart. As happened with another girl I tried to be friends with before. She told me she would want to be friends, but nothing more, she would leave towm in 6 months and she would prefer to be single anyway. Fair enough I guess. I told her that I'm sorry but just can't be, that I don't know what to do now. I felt a bit like she was trying to get a part of me but not want to have it all, but I didn't tell her that. Anyway it went back and forth like that for a while until she just left, saying it would be a shame to have an end here for something that never had begun.. where I just wanted to know how she thinks that would work out.

 

So now I think it might indeed be better to leave her alone, simple. On the other hand though I feel like it would be ok if it just would have been like that, or maybe have had ended up being friends with some benefit, whatever I don't even want a absolutely restrictive relationship myself. Anyway, now any suggestions how I can cope with that? I'm afraid workin with her on Tue will be terrible, silence and she'll be angry at me probably. I'm on holiday for a week then, luckily. But I just about don't know what to do now, I don't want to really loose her but in no way do I want to be a submissive toy to her or whatever.. would just hurt, I guess. Advice?

 

 

BTW Lucky_One, I dunno. I was just brought up in that way, to respect others and not do anything they might not want; for that I always wait for a sign that would tell me it be ok, not just do. I would feel as if I would force her to if I did. It's strange, but somehow I think you're just about right - it's not to bad really, even girls tell me that and yet I just can't do it.