Im afraid that my jealousy is ruining my relationship!

[stkndapst]

Hi everybody, this is my first post and I would really, really appreciate any feedback or advice to help me with this huge problem of mine!

 

I have been with my boyfriend for two years now and he is amazing to say the least. My family loves him, he respects me, he treats me like his queen! I love him more than words can describe:love:

 

Our first year together was awesome.....the way we connect and get along is undescribable. Its as if we just complete eachother. He's by far the best person I have ever dated. However, our second year has been very tough, mostly because of my jealousy/insecurity. I can't believe I've stooped so low. I am very dissapointed in myself. Anyhow, lets get to the triggering point.

My bf was really good friends with this one guy a few years back, we'll call him john. Well John had a younger sister whose name is cassie and she and my bf knew eachother since middle school. He says that they were just friends not close friends but you know a "hi" & "bye" here and there. Supposedly, they never hung out, just saw eachother in school. Well, my boyfriend went to John's house a couple of times b/c well they hung out. According, to my bf john told him that cassie was crushing on him and wanted to date him but my bf swears that he never liked her nor did he want to date her. I on the other hand, want to believe him but I CANT b.c she is attractive. My jealousy and insecurity makes me think so negative. I always think that he messed around with her and that he liked her too. He swears to me that it isn't true and has even told me to ask her personally or anybody else for that matter so that I can move on and trust him. I don't know what to do!!!!!! Thats (cassie) the only thing wrong in our relationship. I feel that I am some sort of pyscho b/c recently it's gotten worse. Listen to this.....her name (cassie) means "almost" in spanish and when me and my bf are talking or he's talking to someone else for that matter(we both speak spanish and english), and he says "almost'" in spanish I freak out! I cannot think of anything else that pisses me off more. I know, I know, it's just a frkn word in spanish but I feel that he's thinking about her and that is why he says that word. Am I overreacting? Or am I right in thinking that he's saying that because he's thinking about her? Yesterday, we when were on the phone, he was comparing some houses from another town to the ones in our hometown and he said "they are almost the same size" (he was talking to me in spanish) and again I got pissed and jealous and I hung up on him. I haven't spoken to him since. I won't answer his calls. This is how bad it has gotten between us. Please someone help....I desperately need some advice on how to cope with this. It just feels that he loves her and thinks of her and not me. Am I wrong in thinking that way that I am????

 

 

This just isn't me, I've never acted this way before with anybody else and I want to put an end to all of this. I love him so much. He even ruined the surprise and told me that he's proposing to me on my birthday (end of July) he said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But now, I'm having second thoughts. I don't want to be like this and I certainly wouldn't want to make him go through this and ruin our marriage.

[Jokerman]

According, to my bf john told him that cassie was crushing on him and wanted to date him but my bf swears that he never liked her nor did he want to date her.

What was the reason he told you? Just out of the blue, or was it more like you suspected him of having had something with her and asked him about it?

 

I don't know what to do!!!!!!

>> He [...] has even told me to ask her personally or anybody else for that matter so that I can move on

 

[A]m I right in thinking that he's saying that because he's thinking about her?

>> I know, it's just a frkn word in spanish

 

Am I wrong in thinking that way that I am????

 

Frankly, yes. You are working yourself up into this. Have you ever seen those two together, how they treat each other, or is it solely the fact she had a crush on him? I think you have to see that even if he would have liked her and they would have messed around, there is probably no more actual danger towards your relationship for now - at least that is how I interpret your message. Maybe you can try to find out if she has a bf or just has had a bf since she had a crush on your bf? That might calm you down a little, since it is a good sign she isn't interested in him anymore.

 

[H]e said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But now, I'm having second thoughts. I don't want to be like this and I certainly wouldn't want to make him go through this and ruin our marriage.

Do you have other fears towards how the marriage could be threatened? I have the feeling he did tell you this as sort of a proof he is serious about you and there is nothing you have to worry about. Do you see it that way?

[stkndapst]

Thanks for replying to my post......and yes my bf did tell me all of that b/c I asked him. We've had the same conversation about that millions of times, I just can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking that he's just lying to me b/c he knows what my reaction would be if he told me the truth (if it were true). I"ve never seen them together, ever. I asked one of my friends who also happens to be her friend and she said she never heard anything about them two or seen them together either. This is why I just can't understand why I am acting the way that I am! From what I know, she no longer even lives in the state....the friend I have that also knows her said that she's had a few flings and one serious boyfriend. She also said that she didn't think I should worry that from what she remembered they didn't know each other so well to begin with. You are so right.....I am working myself up for nothing!That is the only thing that I believe could threaten our marriage, but like you said I am just working myself up and I shouldn't even worry about that. Thanks so much for your feedback!

Oh by the way, just curious...what do you think about the whole spanish word thing? Am i overreacting?

[Carmen87]

You are severely overreacting.

[Jokerman]

First, you have to realise that, independently from anything that was before now, she obviously isn't a thread to your relationship any more. There is no current danger coming from her: She's had other relationships, they don't keep seeing each other, she even lives in another state. It pretty much seems their lives do not influence each others at all (in spite of this thing, of course). Next you want to get all that out of your head, just for a while. And that's what's really tough. I'm not a psychologist but I reckon the underlying problem being intrusive thoughts that have become almost obsessive. Which means you don't want them, know they are wrong but they are present at all times nonetheless, and the more they are present the more you doubt they are just thoughts, which in turn causes intensification and so forth. So what you have to do is break free from this. I don't know you so much, but there are basically two things you can do: Go to your GP and explain to him that you have trouble with involuntarily and constantly present intrusive thoughts which severly impact your life, s/he can probably give very good advice; or, you try it for yourself which would mean you have to find enough distance for a while to free your mind, go on a holiday alone or anything long enough to stop thinking about the problems back home - sure the thoughts will come back later, but you might just have realised it works without them and thus be superior enough to supress them. However, I recommend the GP-thing, since WOW he want's to marry you.. and I understand from your post you want him to marry you, so I'd say go for sure! But in whatever way you proceed, don't give to much about your thoughts - at the end of the day it's just in your mind, it's not what you believe, you can and you do question it, so don't let that take over control.

 

Oh yes, the language thing. It's definitely coincidental and not on purpose he says "almost". It even doesn't really sound like "cassie" which is more sort of "key-see" than the spanish "casi" which is more sort of "ka-zee". And he using it is just about normal I'd say. You have sort of a trigger for your thoughts here, which is very unpleasant. But at least you know that it is the similarity with her name that triggers your thoughts... I don't know how to get rid of that, but maybe just try to keep it in mind when he says it again or look how often you and other people use it - so to see that it is just a very normal word like "que" or "poco" etc...

[stkndapst]

Are you sure that you are not a psychologist? You sure sound like one, a great one infact! Your words honestly helped me ALOT....and now I see things through a different perspective, a normal one which means I am overreacting! You have no idea how much your advice helped, thank you so much. And you are right, the whole language thing is coincedental and I should've realized that. I think deep down I knew he didn't mean it that way, but I kept trying to convince myself that he did mean it that way. I will definitely try those two things that you advised, I will try it on my own first and if that doesn't work I will try plan A (GP)! Once again, thanks so much for all of your kind words, they really do mean a whole lot. I actually feel that you are in a way my psychologist.

 

P.S. Good luck with you girl

[Ruby Slippers]

You are definitely overreacting. Why don't you trust him? Has he ever given you any reason not to trust him?

 

I have a friend who has a pretty good and loyal boyfriend, and she's always paranoid he's going to cheat on her. She realizes it's her own issue, and she's had to do a lot of work to deal with these feelings.

 

You said yourself that your boyfriend treats you very well. I suggest that you focus your thoughts on how loving, respectful, and good he is to you. Maybe it would help to come up with a little affirmation/mantra to say to yourself, something like: "He loves me, and I trust that he is faithful." When you are feeling worried, say this to yourself and think about the truth of the words.

[stkndapst]

Ruby Slippers:

 

You asked "Has he ever given you any reason not to trust him?" Honestly, don't know how to answer this one. During the first few weeks of our relationship, he once mentioned to me how he really liked hanging out with his friend John, but then he stopped talking about that and began telling me how rich cassie's family was and how she had a nice car, and that she was really nice, etc. But like I said earlier, that was a few weeks into our relationship and it didn't bother me at all. That was the last time he ever talked about another girl to me. So about a year ago, I remembered that conversation and that's when I began to question everything. I wondered, why was he telling me all of this? Ofcourse, at this point I already had strong feelings for him and even though it had been quite a while since that happened it made very angry and jealous. That same day I confronted him about what he had told me during that conversation and he said that he was just trying to make me jealous and that was all. I just don't seem to understand though, if he swears to me all the time that he never liked her, then why did he talk about her the way he did during that conversation? Could he have really just wanted to make me jealous? Ruby Slippers: do you consider that a reason for me not to trust him?

That is the ONLY thing he has ever done "bad" during the two years that we have been dating. It sounds like your friend and I have ALOT in common. If you don't mind me asking, "did she change? what worked for her?"

I will try using the affirmation that you suggested. It sounds like a good plan as well.

Thank you for your kind words

[Ruby Slippers]

That same day I confronted him about what he had told me during that conversation and he said that he was just trying to make me jealous and that was all.

 

Ruby Slippers: do you consider that a reason for me not to trust him?

 

It sounds like your friend and I have ALOT in common. If you don't mind me asking, "did she change? what worked for her?"

How old are you two? Trying to make you jealous is plausible, though a bit immature. And why would he want to make you feel jealous? Was he feeling threatened or just trying to get some kind of ego stroke? No, I don't consider that a reason not to trust him. It's a bit childish, but not that uncommon.

 

My friend's strategy was to see a therapist. At the worst of it, she would call me now and then to tell me about the latest incident that was making her feel threatened, and I would reassure her that she had nothing to worry about, he loved her, and she needed to chill. It really was getting to the point where her fears were trumping all the good stuff in their relationship, and it was wearing on both of them. Her boyfriend was very patient, but a person can only take so much, you know?

 

Is counseling feasible for you? Do you have a good friend you can vent to about this stuff and get an outside perspective? It's so easy to spiral down into our own consuming thoughts -- an outside party can give a clearer point of view.

[stkndapst]

Ruby Slippers:

 

Thanks for your reply again.

 

We are both 20 and I agree with you, it was very childish of him to try to make me jealous. Like you said, it is very common and I didn't appreciate it. That is what started everything. I don't think that he felt threatened at all, I think that you second guess is correct: he was trying to get some kind of ego stroke. I don't know why?

Anyhow, it sounds to me that your friend and I have a lot in common. I too sometimes feel that my whole jealousy tantrums over this certain situation has trumped most of the good stuff in our relationship. This past year we've been fighting 90% b/c of this ordeal and he has been very patient with me as well. But like you said, one can only take so much. He tells me he will marry me no matter what and that we'll get through this together, but I on the other hand think that he will eventually get sick of it all.

That is why I am trying to get rid of all of these negative thoughts, but its just so hard you know? Its easier said than done. However, I fully believe that your advice as well as the jokerman's advice has really made me understand. You two have really made me see things in a whole different way. I will try to once again change on my own but if I see that it isn't working I will try your friend's method (therapist). I actually though about that before but I got scared. However, I think I have reached the limit and I definitely need to get rid of these terrible thoughts already. Oh and the friend thing, well I don't go to them b/c they don't take me seriously. They usually just laugh it off and ignore me. Let's just say I can't really call them my friends. Sad but true!

 

Thanks so much for your advice, it really has helped a lot. I appreciate all of your kind words.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't think that he felt threatened at all, I think that you second guess is correct: he was trying to get some kind of ego stroke. I don't know why?

In most cases, men at that age are unfortunately quite immature, and it is not at all uncommon that they seek a lot of female attention and validation. Trying to incite your jealousy, though childish and silly, is one easy way to get more of your attention. I don't think it means much, though, except that he's a young guy who has a lot of growing up to do.

 

I too sometimes feel that my whole jealousy tantrums over this certain situation has trumped most of the good stuff in our relationship. This past year we've been fighting 90% b/c of this ordeal and he has been very patient with me as well.

My friend told me a good bit of advice her counselor gave her: Focus your energy on where you want the relationship to go. In other words, if you're constantly thinking negative thoughts about your fears, that is the energy in the relationship. No matter how patient your boyfriend is, you are putting ideas in his head that may not have even been there before.

 

My boyfriend told me that an ex of his accused him of cheating so often that he eventually thought, "I might as well, if she's going to accuse me of it all the time!" He never cheated on her, but my point is that there can be some self-fulfilling prophecy in dwelling upon these fears and focusing a lot of energy on them, rather than on the good stuff, which is where your energy really needs to be.

 

If you treat him like a good guy, he is more likely to behave like a good guy. And vice versa. (I should definitely take my own advice on this point, for those times when I am scared or worried about something!)

 

I will try to once again change on my own but if I see that it isn't working I will try your friend's method (therapist). I actually though about that before but I got scared.

If you are able to go, please do. I have talked to a therapist a handful of times when things got really tough, and it was a lifesaver. A therapist is trained to be very gentle, patient, and understanding, and she will work with you to come up with some positive solutions. There's no harm in trying!

 

Oh and the friend thing, well I don't go to them b/c they don't take me seriously. They usually just laugh it off and ignore me. Let's just say I can't really call them my friends. Sad but true!

Not sure if this will be helpful, but I have learned that sometimes you have to ask your friends for what you need. I have also learned that a lot of friends simply give bad advice. Figure out who your best advice-giving friends are, and maybe try something like: "I'm concerned about this. Do you think you can listen and give me your opinion and some reassurance?" My friend actually did that with me. Her therapist advised her to say to me something like, "Do you think you could help me focus on the positive qualities of Mike when I'm freaking out, and remind me that he is loyal and I'm probably overreacting?" I said "Of course," and I've been doing that since.

 

I think it's great that you're looking at this issue and willing to work on it. I think you're going to be just fine.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I'm not a psychologist but I reckon the underlying problem being intrusive thoughts that have become almost obsessive. Which means you don't want them, know they are wrong but they are present at all times nonetheless, and the more they are present the more you doubt they are just thoughts, which in turn causes intensification and so forth. So what you have to do is break free from this. I don't know you so much, but there are basically two things you can do: Go to your GP and explain to him that you have trouble with involuntarily and constantly present intrusive thoughts which severly impact your life, s/he can probably give very good advice; or, you try it for yourself which would mean you have to find enough distance for a while to free your mind, go on a holiday alone or anything long enough to stop thinking about the problems back home - sure the thoughts will come back later, but you might just have realised it works without them and thus be superior enough to supress them. However, I recommend the GP-thing, since WOW he want's to marry you.. and I understand from your post you want him to marry you, so I'd say go for sure! But in whatever way you proceed, don't give to much about your thoughts - at the end of the day it's just in your mind, it's not what you believe, you can and you do question it, so don't let that take over control.

 

 

 

Jokerman is dead-on with this assessement. I have suffered from intrusive/obsessive thoughts at various points in my life and it feels overwhelming. Plus, you really BELIEVE the thoughts that are going through your head even though they are not rational. I'm willing to bet if you could calm yourself down somehow, through meditation or therapy or a walk in the woods, you will feel more rational. Don't let this overtake you.