critter909 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 My bf of almost ten years left me last week. We had been having problems for a while which could be attributed to his excessive drinking. Three years ago he had gotten a job that came with a set of well matched buddies and a company that sponsored drinking several days each week after work. He was working 12 hour days anyway and we also lived 60 miles away. He was routinely driving home drunk. I was very concerned, it caused arguments, sometimes he would drink so much he didn't even come home that night. His personality seemed to change, he didn't put me first anymore, he didn't invite me out with him or did so not really wanting me to go. A year ago he was driving home drunk from one of the company events and crashed and totalled his car. He was arrested and given a DUI. His job also, ironically, fired him. I thought things would get better, it would be a wake up call, but it wasn't. The behavior continued, even when he was on a restricted license, even after all the DUI classes etc. Things got a little better when he got a new job (it took him 6 months to get it). But escalated again soon after. One night 6 months ago he stayed out partying all night and brought one of his buddies home with him to crash on our couch. I went to a friends the next day and called him that night after having gotten drunk myself. I was very emotional and told him how much I loved him and how this was hurting me, I was worried, he needed to change things or we would need to break up. The next day he moved out. I was absolutly devastated. I never ever thought he would just leave. It was even on our 9 year anniversary. After 3 days of very emotional talking he came home. He said he realized he had to make changes and that since he came back he was back for good. His drinking and partying, however, soon escalated again. A month ago he got so drunk he couldn't go to work and was fired, he didn't even call in sick. The three weeks following this that we were together he spent more time away than at home and was not even apologizing for his behavior. It seemed like he was pushing me to kick him out. Last weekend he left on Friday and didn't come home until Sunday, the only communication I had was a text message saying he was out with friends and will be back tomorrow. I had been talking to friends that weekend, building myslef up, and on Monday morning I told him he had to start cleaning himself up or leave. He seemed to be antagonizing me through the conversation, never apologetic. He moved out that afternoon while I was at work. I have talked to him 3 times since. That day, when he told me he had been unhappy for a long time, I didn't want to have fun and hated everybody etc. he couldn't have a good time with me, I was more like his mom than his gf. Then two days later we had a very emotional conversation where he told be he was trying to get his life together, he couldn't stop drinking if he was with me, I told him I loved him and wanted to try. He has been very cold to me since and I think cruel before he left. Looking back on it I think he has to have been cheating on me and I feel even more betrayed. He has been getting flirty messages on his myspace account from some girl now too. It hurts so much. How could someone do this after so many years together? Just walk out... I didn't want to believe that he would ever cheat on me, that was just one trust between us that I never ever thought he would break. It was sort of sacred for us, we always said that trouble happens etc. but never that. It feels like my whole world has been shattered. Unfortunately, even though I don't really have any evidence, cheating seems to fit the best. Everyone thinks he has completely lost his mind and blames it on the drinking. Any ideas? What the hell is going on here?
v33 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 What's going on? He's an alcoholic. And you will never come first unless he gets into a program and stops drinking. My ex GF drank daily the last couple years of our relationship and was a problem drinker before I met her. When I would talk to her about her drinking she was in complete denial and wouldn't accept that it was causing us problems. Eventually she got so tired of me bringing it up that she spent less and less time at home and more time out drinking. Blaming me for her unhappiness instead of her addiction. It was a vicious cycle. The more I pushed the more she wanted to stay away from home and the more I wanted to push.... etc. One night when she came home wasted after being out at the bar with a guy I didn't trust I told her she had to stop drinking or we were through. She left. The drink is THAT powerful and important to them. Believe it. All the love that you give will not change that. He needs help. You can't change it no matter how much you love him. My ex met a new man and has made several attempts to stop on her own, but she keeps relapsing and he keeps threatening to leave her. It's only a matter of time before she does the same thing again. If love could cure alcoholism and other addictions we wouldn't need therapy and programs and drugs. Oh and for what it's worth, I NEVER thought my EX would cheat on me, but she did. With a guy she spent time drinking with. The reason he could just walk out and be so cold is that he does not see his drinking as a problem, rather he sees you as a nag and annoyance that is interfering with his "fun". Alcohol + the notion that your partner is a detriment to your happiness = a recipe for cheating.
Author critter909 Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 Thanks. It's just hard not to blame yourself and go back and think over and over about the things that have happened. I miss him terribly and keep having this hope that he will realize he walked out on a good thing and will come back ready to do what it takes. It's stupid but it kind of helped me get through the day, now that I'm thinking he was cheating on me I don't even have that hope anymore. Just feel like crap.
sally4sara Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 He will realize one day that you were a good person and that he lost you due to his drinking. But he is pretty close to correct when he says that he can't quit drinking while with you. Too many reactionary patterns have been established between the two of you. Plus he knows you will still want to be with him whether he quits or not. That gives him no sense of urgency. Alcoholics also like to use their partner as yet another excuse to go back or continue to drink after a dry spell. It will either be something you did, something you didn't do that you said you would do, or that your encouraging words took away his sense that he was quiting for himself and not for you (because after all, many people will be telling him he has to be doing it for himself to succeed). Then it will be that you don't encourage him enough. And so on..... So don't wait around for him to come running back. This could be a lifelong battle for him. You deserve to be treated better than just someone's excuse to drink.
Author critter909 Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 I am trying to get my finances in order and take him off my accounts and myself off his. When I logged on to one of the accounts I saw he has spent several hundred dollars since leaving me (just over a week!) on stupid "fun" crap and bars. And, yeah, he is unemployed! It's really putting it in perspective for me, he IS doing all the things I thought he was doing, he is trying to crash and burn. I feel myself getting stronger and getting my confidence back. I have been told for so long that I was blowing things out of proportion etc., lost my perspective.
Lippy2 Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Your definitely not blowing things out of porportion.... You know that... You have to let him crash and burn, you can't help him but you can help yourself and it sounds like you are now .... Alcoholics live in there own world and until they crash and burn, they won't change and will only bring you down with them. You have spent way too long trying to help him, now it's time to help yourself and make yourself happy ....
Author critter909 Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 My rational, normal self knows he is in his own world and is dragging me down. But damn it, it doesn't seem to help your heart any.
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