Awful Situation

[Francesco]

So I'll try to keep my story short but its extremely complicated. I dated a girl for over three years. It was incredible, and to me, it was true love. I never thought our relationship would come to an end, and based off of what she was constantly telling me, we were "soulmates." She wanted to elope this summer; she was starting to plan her life around our relationship and I was doing the same.

 

About 9 months ago we had a very dramatic breakup. She walked out on me for no other reason except that we needed some time to find ourselves, and just like that she was gone. I was heartbroken. I could hardly function without my best friend and who I thought was the love of my life.

 

For months I struggled until somehow I started picking up the pieces. I joined the Army and started doing officer's training and promised myself I would never date anyone again. I mean how could I, I thought I had found the one person for me and I lost her so there couldnt possibly be anyone else.

 

I put all of my energy into finishing college and completing my officer's training....But it gets complicated because we had planned to both transfer to the same college in our home town two years ago and I got in...She got in for this coming year, so for my last year we will both be at the same college. It makes me wonder why she is still coming to this school when she had 9 months to go somewhere else.

Well, I finally met someone a few months ago and we hit it off. We started dating and I decided I was ready for a new relationship. I had dated other girls, but I never felt ready to commit until this girl came along. We have been together for a couple of months and she is really incredible. But no matter how perfect this girl is for me, I still have my ex in the back of my mind. I know its wrong to be with someone and still think about my ex, but I dont think I will ever be over her. For the rest of my young adult life, I feel like I will always love her.

 

Well it gets complicated because next year I have to go to school with my ex. I am going to be busy with finishing my Army officer's training, but the school is tiny and we are going to cross paths daily. And yesterday I got a message from her saying "Hey, I was thinking about you the other day and wanted to know how you are doing and when you leave for training this summer." Its the first time she has been nice and interested in how im doing. I cant help but think somewhere deep down she regrets her decision. I mean she hasnt dated anyone since she left me, and from what I've heard, she just wanted time apart until we ended up at the same college. Im confused because I really like the girl I am with now, we are very compatible...but I loved my ex for the 3 years I dated her, and really for all the years I knew her back in middle school and high school. We have a history together and for some reason my heart just wont let go of the way I feel for her and Im afraid it never will. Im with a perfect girl yet nothing is changing deep down for me. It sucks...any advice?

 

I do think my ex is my soulmate, but how many people actually end up with the one person meant for them? Not many, there are too many outside factors that keep people apart and thats the case with me. Im not going to breakup with the girl Im with now even if I still love my ex deep down...I will always love her deep down. But I want to move on, I dont want to look back. I really enjoy the girl Im dating more than anyone else I've met in 9 months, but my heart is having a difficult time letting go of the past.

[quankanne]

sometimes you have to force yourself to make that break, and make your heart let go of the memories and feelings. Especially if you've been able to move on otherwise (i.e., start dating again).

 

right now, you're allowing yourself to be swayed by old feelings ("I cant help but think somewhere deep down she regrets her decision") when the truth is there is a huge probability that she's moved on to the next level. Otherwise you'd have heard from her long before then, sharing her concerns that the breakup was a bad decision. As an outsider, my thought is that she's genuinely interested in seeing how you've progressed with the career you've chosen, and nothing more. Because like I said, if she were still interested, she would have made some kind of move much earlier than this.

 

as much as you long for her, it's time to lock your relationship with her in the past, where it firmly belongs. There is no future for the two of you, as evidenced by what I said earlier about her not contacting you before this AND by the fact that you're capable of moving on to the next relationship.

 

I've always felt that each love-relationship that ends brings you one step closer to the love you're meant to have, even when you think the person you've just broken up with is the be-all, end-all of your universe, your soulmate. *smile* if you'd have told me this when I was all of 23 and in love with a fellow college student, I'd have laughed, but thankfully God showed me otherwise. Because nearly two decades later, I'm with the man I"m supposed to be with, and memories of The One are simply that: Memories.

 

so don't sell yourself short, okay? It's okay to miss what you had, but don't shut your heart (or your mind) to something that could be bigger and better than what you shared with your ex.

[Francesco]

I really appreciate your reply. It is extremely helpful and insightful. I think I am just getting nervous as the coming school year approaches. I haven't been around her in nearly a year, but I know in 2 months I will be walking by her everyday and I guess I am starting to realize that.

 

And the fact that she contacted me kind of sparked up some old memories, but thats all she should be to me now, a memory. I am happy with where I am in life at this moment, and I don't want all the "what if's" to bring me back down to where I was when this all ended.

 

I replied to her message, told her how things have been and how my family has been doing. It was very short and simple, I mentioned nothing about us...she responded about an hour ago and her response was confusing. She made references to old inside jokes we had, and to some music we used to listen to. She ended it by saying "I expect to see a lot of you next year." I'm sure she means it in a friendly way because she told me she hopes me and my current girlfriend work out. But I can't help and think of what her friends told me after we broke up. They told me she just wanted some time and space, to be on her own for a little bit and figure out where she was in her life and where she wanted to go...They told me she still loved me but would not get back together with me until we ended up at the same school and she could be positive this is what she wanted.

 

Of course thats so unfair to me, and I obviously didnt put up with it because I started dating very soon after. I think she might be kind of jealous I am in an established relationship again and maybe she is starting to have regrets, but like I said its all in the past and will just remain old memories unless some divine occurrence tells me otherwise. But the one thing I dont understand is why she is still coming to the same college as me when she could literally have her pick out of so many great schools out of this city.

[quankanne]

her choice may have been independent of the fact that you'll be going to school there. Or she might feel more comfortable knowing that she'll know at least one person on campus (kind of a security blanket effect), even though she has no intention of getting back with you.

 

as hard as it is, look on the positive side of things: Even though things didn't work out for y'all and you've both moved on, she apparently has good, solid memories of you and the relationship. In this day and age – where people tend to get freaky and do stuff that makes you question the whole reason why you ever felt something for the other person, it's kind of nice knowing that she's a decent gal who wants the best for you. Who isn't going to boil bunnies or stalk you to get your attention. And it does sound like she wants to keep things on the positive side by being the bigger woman and treating you with respect.

 

if you look at things from this perspective, it might be easier to start anew when dealing with your relationship with your ex AND still be able to move ahead with this fantastic girl you're dating now. Because as cheesy as it sounds, it's never a bad thing to be on civil, friendly relationship with your ex.