What it is that bugs you really?

[Trialbyfire]

This isn't a private conversation. We would be Private Messaging, if so.

 

It's not the receiving of too much attention, it's being perceived too much for the external. If someone prioritizes the external, they're not much for looking deeper or valuing the person inside of you, which to me, is so much more important. Attraction for the superficial is a fleeting attraction, which means that long-term relationships aren't always possible. If someone values you from the inside-out, not only can you be lovers but best friends.

 

Once again, as I've stated in other threads, I'm far from model material and don't consider myself beautiful, only attractive. This isn't false modesty. I don't compare to someone like Catherine Zeta-Jones or Angelina Jolie.

[carrotgirl]

Sailing, the assumption that people who consider themselves or are considered to be bitter is exactly one of the myths I'd like to dispel. Thank you for jumping in so bravely!

 

Some of the plaints seen so often here are.... If I was only better looking, more attractive, thinner, fitter, more up top, more down below (and the list goes on and on). If only I was better looking, then s/he wouldn't have said that, done that, left me, cheated, stopped loving me, fill in the blank....

 

It pains me to see these, not just because I'm happy with my appearance and I got dumped, but because we see it in the media all the time; attractive, rich, smart, successful, talented, likable people get their hearts torn out too.

 

I don't believe that what makes us love people or be loved in return is, at core, about our physical appearances. The most beautiful people can look hideous when they treat us poorly, and the most plain, unattractive people can have ethereal beauty when they treat us lovingly.

 

Carrot

[Trialbyfire]

[cranky rant]For all you purely superficial people, go find someone of equal superficiality, bang your brains out and leave the rest of us alone![/rant over] :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

[Nevermind]

Some of the plaints seen so often here are.... If I was only better looking, more attractive, thinner, fitter, more up top, more down below (and the list goes on and on). If only I was better looking, then s/he wouldn't have said that, done that, left me, cheated, stopped loving me, fill in the blank....

 

Mh, since I wrote exactly this I guess it is in some way directed at me. I know that love is not about physical appearance, yet if you have a weakness in that department it is very easy to question yourself in times of dire distress. If you are nice, but not pretty, and you were left for a nice girl, who was prettier, it isn't the end of the world. But it is very reasonable to ask if it was indeed just the physical side that got you dumped.

 

The most beautiful people can look hideous when they treat us poorly, and the most plain, unattractive people can have ethereal beauty when they treat us lovingly.

 

Yes, but the beautiful people have a bigger chance at getting close enough to treat you in any way.

 

t's not the receiving of too much attention, it's being perceived too much for the external. If someone prioritizes the external, they're not much for looking deeper or valuing the person inside of you, which to me, is so much more important.

 

I understand that. But being perceived for the external is what happens to ugly people as well. Just as much. It's a negative reaction, that is not time-consuming. So it may seem lees stressful, but once again: you cannot know which one is worse. Attention can be terrible, and meeting people who solely concentrate on your pretty extior must be horrible. I am glad I don't have to experience it. But meeting people and being devalued because of your exterior is horrible, too. It's the same mechanism.

[carrotgirl]

Mh, since I wrote exactly this I guess it is in some way directed at me. I know that love is not about physical appearance, yet if you have a weakness in that department it is very easy to question yourself in times of dire distress. If you are nice, but not pretty, and you were left for a nice girl, who was prettier, it isn't the end of the world. But it is very reasonable to ask if it was indeed just the physical side that got you dumped.

NM, is this theory really helping you cope?

 

Carrot

[Trialbyfire]

NM, is this theory really helping you cope?

 

Carrot

As well, no matter how attractive you are, there will always be someone more attractive. This includes a prettier face, better body, more intelligent, a better sense of humour, more successful, whatever combination turns anyone's crank. Better to value yourself as you are, a combination of traits that make you who you are.

 

The challenge is finding the right person who will value all of you, from the inside-out. This last sentence is for everyone, especially me.

[carrotgirl]

As well, no matter how attractive you are, there will always be someone more attractive. This includes a prettier face, better body, more intelligent, a better sense of humour, more successful, whatever combination turns anyone's crank. Better to value yourself as you are, a combination of traits that make you who you are.

 

The challenge is finding the right person who will value all of you, from the inside-out. This last sentence is for everyone, especially me.

Tri, I think you're so right. This is so crucial for us to be functioning individuals. Other people can't be true mirrors. We have to be able to value ourselves without that mirror.

 

What happens to the s/he didn't want me because I'm not good enough crutch when the next person to capture an ex's fancy is less attractive, less intelligent, less kind, less decent?

 

Then what?

 

Carrot

[Trialbyfire]

Tri, I think you're so right. This is so crucial for us to be functioning individuals. Other people can't be true mirrors. We have to be able to value ourselves without that mirror.

 

What happens to the s/he didn't want me because I'm not good enough crutch when the next person to capture an ex's fancy is less attractive, less intelligent, less kind, less decent?

 

Then what?

 

Carrot

Yes we do. It's what you read about on LS more than any other loss. It's loss of self/ego when relationships dissolve. Maybe if more energy were put towards valuing self, less time/energy would be wasted in cycling through the loss of self/identity due to rejection.

 

Good question. I don't know. I do recall one thing, when my ex-H had his affair and I got my first look at the OW. It was self-deflating, in that she was...far less in so many ways. After delving further into their relationship, it became apparent that she fed a darker need within him, one I would never/could never feed.

[carrotgirl]

Maybe if more energy were put towards valuing self, less time/energy would be wasted in cycling through the loss of self/identity due to rejection.

This is something I'm working on with myself every day, trying to make progress in the smallest, most humbling ways.

 

GD, want to grab dinner?

No can do. Working late tonight.

[Oh sweet universe he doesn't want to even have dinner with me? He must not love me anymore. He probably never loved me. Last week was probably a big lie. ..... yah yah yah. He's a liar. SHUT UP CARROT!]

 

Carrot

[D-Lish]

Who can really define what pretty is... thankfully, people are attracted to different looks.

 

People always judge me prior to me opening my mouth.

I was accompanying my male friend to an award show once- and we were seated at this table with news anchor's and my friend's producer. They didn't give me the time of day besides to stare at my chest and give my friend the thumb's up when they thought I wasn't paying attention... But an intense discussion on politics commenced and I jumped right in and started engaging in the conversation. The seemed very shocked I was educated and not just some dumb blonde. At the end of the night the drunken news caster beside me said "you know, we had all nick-named you Arm Candy" when you walked in... but you opened your mouth and shocked the crap out of all of us".

 

I heard similar things like that when starting to work with new groups in university. I get ignored until I opened my mouth- and by the end of the first session they'd vote me team leader.

 

Is it annoying to be judged by you look? Yes... I don't like being assumed that because I am tall and blonde with good fashion sense that I must be vacant, and only capable of discussing "shopping" or "cute puppies".

It makes the struggle to fit in a bit different.

 

Alternatively, I always recognize the shy people that hide in a corner during group and I draw them into participating. It sucks to have people judge you because of what they look like. It's the people who feel the need to make insensitive comments to others that have the problems.

 

Someone that would refer to another as a "russian hooker" isn't someone I'd consider to be dating material. What I think he was really revealing was "hey, look at me, I am so insure, I have to put others down in order to feel better myself. An intentionally cruel dude like that isn't happy in his own skin- so he goes about breaking other down for sport. Too bad interaction aren't legal sports... that way you could get a five minute penalty for a high stick to the head... and only be subject to a time out.

[Meaplus3]

This post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t154818/ was just the latest in a long line of posts I've read where a lot of things were written that perpetuate some mythic ideas about what relationships with pretty people are (and are not) all because of their looks.

 

How many people do you know who are responsible for the way they look? If you want to be bitter or angry at the people largely responsible, then start blaming everyone's parents! For the most part, I did not choose to look the way I do.

 

I think that what is happening throughout these threads is a lot of people are mixing up the concept of beauty with those of charm and confidence. While there is certainly evidence that people find certain looks attractive, there's also evidence that this requires social context.

 

For me, looking a certain way means almost every woman I meet decides she doesn't like me twenty paces in advance of our introduction. When entering a social gathering among women I don't know I'm often closed out on sight. All because of how I look.

 

It means when I go to the grocery store, the Home Depot, the airport, on a train, at a foot race, eating my lunch, just walking around town, men I do not know watch me, sometimes they follow me. It doesn't matter if I'm with someone either.

 

Often when I'm out with GD random passers by say things like "She's so beautiful. You're a lucky man to be with someone as hot as her." Do you think this a compliment or an insult? To which one of us? I know what I think. What do you think?

 

Have any of you ever been one of those people?

 

Have you avoided being near people who are attractive specifically because they are attractive? Have you been annoyed by the sight of an attractive person receiving attention? Do you think that only certain types of people deserve to find love together?

 

Do you recognize this as prejudice?

 

Carrot

 

Carrot, It's what's on the inside that count's. I have come across many that place importance on physical beauty and in my observation of them.. One word "Shallow". Depth and inner two good key words. Best Wishes.

 

AP:)

[carrotgirl]

It's what's on the inside that count's. I have come across many that place importance on physical beauty and in my observation of them.. One word "Shallow". Depth and inner two good key words.

AP, it's been years and years since I played games like, Would you still love me if I had an accident and lost my leg? I asked that of the ex ex once (the same ex ex who is on my corporate legal team) and his response was an emphatic "NO, but you'd still probably be the hottest sex I've ever had."

 

Yah. That vain coq had me burnin' hawt all right.

 

Carrot

[Nevermind]

NM, is this theory really helping you cope?

It doesn't make me happy, if that's what you are asking. But I think being honest to one's self is important. Truth can hurt, but at least we know where we stand.

 

It's easy to say that it shouldn't matter and that people shouldn't be focusing on their appearance when you are happy with the way you look. Someone who isn't happy about the way they look, isn't necesarily superficial. They might just accept their own boundaries.

 

I don't obsess about it, but I refuse to tell me, that this could not have played a role in the whole affair. It has. I need to accept that. C'est la vie.

[carrotgirl]

It doesn't make me happy, if that's what you are asking.

No, I was asking if blaming your appearance helps you to cope with the break.

 

I think being honest to one's self is important.

I think there is a deeper truth here than most people are comfortable with.

 

It's easy to say that it shouldn't matter and that people shouldn't be focusing on their appearance when you are happy with the way you look.

Saying just about anything is easy. Living the words is something else entirely and I don't just believe the words I'm saying, I make a conscious effort to live them.

 

NM, whatever qualities made you attractive to your ex (and all the other exes?) in the first place were appealing enough that you got together. I'm not only saying your appearance was not what mattered. I'm saying the WHOLE of you was, and still is, what is valuable.

 

Someone who isn't happy about the way they look, isn't necesarily superficial. They might just accept their own boundaries.

Someone who isn't happy for whatever reason... is someone who isn't happy. I think it's up to us to be responsible for our happiness in life.

 

Carrot

[Nevermind]

I think there is a deeper truth here than most people are comfortable with.

 

And what would that be?

[carrotgirl]

I think there is a deeper truth here than most people are comfortable with.

And what would that be?

NM, I think that there are all kinds of ideas of what honesty is but in this sense, self-honesty as an ideal is flawed in the way most of are, because we're not always aware when we're being dishonest and because often, we're selectively honest with ourselves only when it serves our own self-interest.

 

I believe that to be deeply honest with ourselves and others we have to have some empathy. If we close ourselves off and don't seek to understand each other, we can't be empathetic. So I think that to be honest with ourselves, we are really required to go outside ourselves and explore new ideas, study the human condition....

 

Carrot