Author carrotgirl Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 Though I have to ask Tri... were you really not feeling him or was this the perversion of will that happens when someone else goes at just a slightly faster pace than we're prepared for?
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 We're done for certain. He's good for me but I'm not good for him. It would be too selfish to keep him around for me so I suggested he distance himself. He finally agreed. I care about him as a friend but nothing beyond that. It's not what he wants. He treated me like gold and I reciprocated the same. There's no bitterness between us since there was no immature or selfish behaviour. Just a lot of sadness for what can't be.
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Tri are you tearing down or bolstering that coronary privacy fence? I was rebuilding what was behind the fence so right now, bolstering is in order. Though I have to ask Tri... were you really not feeling him or was this the perversion of will that happens when someone else goes at just a slightly faster pace than we're prepared for? No, it's not a pace difference. It's not there.
Author carrotgirl Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 I hear that. Hell, I live with that. So how about the other guy? And how is this related to the external v. internal question? Just curious.
Nevermind Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I don't think we ever "should" feel anything for anybody. Maybe he was the most amazing man and fit every criteria on the list, but that doesn't mean you should feel anything. Maybe it just means that you should drop the list? I read your response again, and I felt a certain fear in your words. Maybe you are afraid of becoming cynical, because your emotions don't follow your head. I don't know you well enough to say anything that could comfort you, but...in my experience, people who fear to become cynical usually don't. Maybe you need to work on lowering your walls, that's for you to decide. But maybe it just didn't work. Don't feel bad about it, or think that you're to blame for not feeling it. You're not. You're amazing and you will feel the right things for an amazing man. Hope is the thing with feathers Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul, And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all, And sweetest in the gale is heard; And sore must be the storm That could abash the little bird That kept so many warm. I ’ve heard it in the chillest land, And on the strangest sea; Yet, never, in extremity, It asked a crumb of me. Dickinson isn't my favourite, but the poem came to mind when I wrote this.
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 While I'm dreading that discussion, I'll be having it this week. Time to cut him loose too. It's only fair if he also has expectations beyond what I'm capable of giving, right now. In both situations, there was no secret where I stood. I can't control what someone else thinks, feels or expects. I can only control myself and if there are expectations I can't meet, fair play demands that I not lead them on.
Author carrotgirl Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 While I'm dreading that discussion, I'll be having it this week. Time to cut him loose too. It's only fair if he also has expectations beyond what I'm capable of giving, right now. In both situations, there was no secret where I stood. I can't control what someone else thinks, feels or expects. I can only control myself and if there are expectations I can't meet, fair play demands that I not lead them on. Yah. Re-read your post and had a feeling. What was the trigger? These men are capable of making their own decisions for themselves. You've been clear on your behavior and it seems from what you're saying that they're clear with theirs. So why the push for such decisive finality?
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Thanks nvm. For the interim, while I'm repairing what's behind the walls, they remain sky high. I do have hope that when it's time to lower those walls, there will be someone of quality to help me through it.
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Yah. Re-read your post and had a feeling. What was the trigger? These men are capable of making their own decisions for themselves. You've been clear on your behavior and it seems from what you're saying that they're clear with theirs. So why the push for such decisive finality? I hate leading anyone on. It's in direct conflict of who I am. I had thought when we started dating, things were made obvious.
shadowplay Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 no offense, but when I read your first post my immediate reaction was you were looking for an excuse to brag. I don't believe anyone can really judge themselves objectively. You may be able to tell whether you're attractive or not, but beyond that you can't really say how attractive you are -- unless you have some hard evidence like being a supermodel -- because it's impossible to read the minds of everybody you encounter. I've met average looking women who thought they were the cat's meow and beautiful women who thought they were homely.
Touche Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I do have hope that when it's time to lower those walls, there will be someone of quality to help me through it. Why can't you tell him this? Why does it have to be all or nothing right now? If he cared enough about you, I'm sure he's not going to back you up against the wall. Isn't he only asking for you to see him only? What's so bad about that? Why can't he be the man of "quality" that will help you through it?
Author carrotgirl Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 I hate leading anyone on. It's in direct conflict of who I am. I had thought when we started dating, things were made obvious. Since I think you were probably very candid, you're not leading anyone on. You can continue to be candid and whatever choices lovely man the second chooses for himself are his responsibility, not yours. So IF he has expectations. Of course, that's always subject to change anyway.
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Why can't you tell him this? Why does it have to be all or nothing right now? If he cared enough about you, I'm sure he's not going to back you up against the wall. Isn't he only asking for you to see him only? What's so bad about that? Why can't he be the man of "quality" that will help you through it? Because the chemistry isn't there for me.
Touche Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Because the chemistry isn't there for me. Ok, well if it's not there, it's not there. That's not something you can force.
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Since I think you were probably very candid, you're not leading anyone on. You can continue to be candid and whatever choices lovely man the second chooses for himself are his responsibility, not yours. So IF he has expectations. Of course, that's always subject to change anyway. I thought I could be that way originally. I can't. After cutting loose LM1, it feels wrong with LM2, if he has expectations. I don't want the responsibility of hurting someone else.
Author carrotgirl Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 no offense, but when I read your first post my immediate reaction was you were looking for an excuse to brag. I don't believe anyone can really judge themselves objectively. You may be able to tell whether you're attractive or not, but beyond that you can't really say how attractive you are -- unless you have some hard evidence like being a supermodel -- because it's impossible to read the minds of everybody you encounter. No offense taken. I wasn't bragging. We don't all want to be a super model. Nor is a super model the epitome of feminine pulchritude. Shee! Yah. I think I have enough, um, hard evidence (where is Lizzie?). But come off of that puritanical altar. I don't NEED hard evidence of the type you require. And if I had chosen to live my life according the mirror society puts up for me I think I would have offed myself years ago out of sheer boredom! There is more to life than the mirror! Carrot
Author carrotgirl Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 I thought I could be that way originally. I can't. After cutting loose LM1, it feels wrong with LM2, if he has expectations. I don't want the responsibility of hurting someone else. Something isn't quite passing the sniff test. I don't like to argue with you Tri so I won't. But not going to BS you either. You wouldn't to me.
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Something isn't quite passing the sniff test. I don't like to argue with you Tri so I won't. But not going to BS you either. You wouldn't to me. What part doesn't make sense? I'm curious and not in the least offended.
Touche Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Something isn't quite passing the sniff test. I don't like to argue with you Tri so I won't. But not going to BS you either. You wouldn't to me. Wow. That's all I have to say.
Author carrotgirl Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 What part doesn't make sense? I'm curious and not in the least offended. It all makes very good sense. To a point. So ThatGuy there wanted more and you don't, not now and you are quite sure not ever, okay then, your urging makes sense. Although I'm not sure what the need for urgency was, I trust that with ThatGuy, you do. Then we have ThisGuy here, you don't know what he wants right now because it's all an if and you're pushing for a break anyway? I ask again, what's the trigger? Why are you taking on someone else's responsibilities for himself? It's kind of emasculating no? It sounds a little like testing to me. And you didn't answer my question about why this is related to the external appearances internal beauty factor seeing as you said you were sensitive to it right now ... and that got my attention too. Carrot
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 It all makes very good sense. To a point. So ThatGuy there wanted more and you don't, not now and you are quite sure not ever, okay then, your urging makes sense. Although I'm not sure what the need for urgency was, I trust that with ThatGuy, you do. Then we have ThisGuy here, you don't know what he wants right now because it's all an if and you're pushing for a break anyway? I ask again, what's the trigger? Why are you taking on someone else's responsibilities for himself? It's kind of emasculating no? It sounds a little like testing to me. And you didn't answer my question about why this is related to the external appearances internal beauty factor seeing as you said you were sensitive to it right now ... and that got my attention too. Carrot I'm seeing LM2 tomorrow. We'll have a discussion about where he stands. IF he stands with no expectations, then yes, I will continue dating him. IF he stands with expectations like LM1, then I can't meet those expectations and will be cutting him loose. I missed your question about how it relates. It relates because past experience with this type of prioritization is what I'm trying to repair behind the wall. In understanding that the external was valued higher than the internal, is something I need to come to terms with. Edit - so that you know, in case you didn't catch my previous reference, LM1 was pushing for exclusivity and a committed relationship on Sunday night.
Author carrotgirl Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 I'm seeing LM2 tomorrow. We'll have a discussion about where he stands. IF he stands with no expectations, then yes, I will continue dating him. IF he stands with expectations like LM1, then I can't meet those expectations and will be cutting him loose. I missed your question about how it relates. It relates because past experience with this type of prioritization is what I'm trying to repair behind the wall. In understanding that the external was valued higher than the internal, is something I need to come to terms with. Got it. I'm sensitive to the expectations thing so I think you got my feelers up with that. There are certain expectations I can't provide no matter how much I might want to and in the back of my mind, I wonder what role they played with me and GD really? Or just in my head? I'll be willing you my courage from afar tomorrow!
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Edit - so that you know, in case you didn't catch my previous reference, LM1 was pushing for exclusivity and a committed relationship on Sunday night. To further clarify, he wanted me to give him an answer by phone on Monday night. I think he already knew, hence the request for a response by phone. Got it. I'm sensitive to the expectations thing so I think you got my feelers up with that. There are certain expectations I can't provide no matter how much I might want to and in the back of my mind, I wonder what role they played with me and GD really? Or just in my head? I'll be willing you my courage from afar tomorrow! The only person who can clarify if there are expectations that are a "need" for GD, is GD himself. The other, even more pertinent question to ask is whether GD even knows what he wants. Thanks carrot.
Author carrotgirl Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 To further clarify, he wanted me to give him an answer by phone on Monday night. I think he already knew, hence the request for a response by phone. LM1 just got thrown the wussy card! I would have done the same in your place. Forgive a pushy snot for caring? What GD thought he wanted in a woman, a mate, was me. We may find out if that really changed or not later this week. I'm not straying far from the toilet. Carrot-Snot
sailing Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Oops, I feel like I'm interrupting a private conversation now, but I just wanted to add some thoughts on the original topic. I understand that OP wants to dispel myths and fight prejudice, and I would like to do the same by asking you to please not assume that all less attractive people are necessarily bitter and envious; they may just be a little jaded. I agree with Nevermind - it's impossible to fully understand the other side but, being a woman, even I experience unwanted attention and I can see how receiving a lot of that could be extremely annoying and even hurtful. That said, it's not as simple as saying "hey, beauty is on the inside - big yourself up" or "so you think it's easy being beautiful?" - There is a lot of evidence showing that attractiveness really matters in the way a person is automatically received, in situations that don't involve creepy guys in a bar or catty rivals. For example, there are several studies showing that pretty babies get more attention from their parents (benefitting their development, I would think), attractive students get more attention and better grades, attractive employees get better jobs and salaries and that, generally, people ascribe positive attributes and personality features to attractive strangers. In the majority of cases, this creates confidence and a continued "upward spiral". And when it comes to attracting a mate, well... With or without the academic evidence, this difference is often obvious to less attractive people from a very early age. I'm not saying attractive people should in any way be blamed or criticised for this - that would obviously be ludicrous - nor am I implying that they should apologise, or be selfeffacing because of it. Everyone wants to be appreciated for who they are; if you're attractive, at least be thankful for your exponential advantage in attracting people that could potentially discover the personality behind that pretty face. Ok, now good luck with GD and LM and the rest of the acronyms
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