How to leave

[this_cant_be_right]

I am thinking of leaving my boyfriend of almost 4 years.

 

We were just kids really when we got together and I think we have grown apart. So much so we don't even have anything to say to each other anymore. It's like we repeat "I love you" in order to have something to say to each other. Our interests are miles apart, we share nothing besides from our material possessions.

 

Okay so the hard part is that financially it makes sense to stay together. We are supposed to move out together shortly, I am incredibly hesitant to for obvious reasons. But our savings are tied up in our joint account, I shudder to think of splitting our furniture etc and I have absolutely nowhere to go. My family are just not there for me to rely on, but it will take me forever to find a place. I'm not really liking the thought of being homeless, but I also dislike the thought of going behind his back and looking for a place whilst pretending everything is find and dandy.

 

I know without a shadow of a doubt this breakup will be nasty. I will literally be losing my best friend. Not to mention I have become a part of his family and I will miss them all terribly.

 

I wish this hadn't happened. I think alot of it stems from some problems we had in our first year together. He kissed someone else about 3 months in and I was furious. I didn't see it as something to break up with him over as I was so in love with him. Then off and on he would break up with me, tell me he no longer loved me, I begged him to come back, he would and I would be happy for maybe a week or two. Now I can see how this impacted our relationship. I spent months and months expecting for him to suddenly decide he didn't love me again. And I unconsciously blamed him for all of our problems and punished him by always being irritated at him. I guess once I stopped caring was when the relationship was finally over. I just allowed it to continue about 2 years longer than I should have.

 

I should have let him leave me when he wanted to.

 

I guess what I need is some advice on how to handle this. We are both very passionate people and I know this will end up being a complete mess. I won't expect us to be friends or anything in the near future, but we need to act like adults as there are friends, family and our futures to consider.

 

The thought of walking away from him and out into the world by myself scares the crap out of me. But I need to grow up and it's needed to do it far away from him and everyone in my life, if that makes any sense.

 

Anyway, so yeah, help! Thank guys

[Paralyzed]

Let me tell you my experience. I was with the same girl since High School. 15 years altogether. We were married for only a year. I became unhappy and decided that I wanted out. Instead of communicating and working on our problems, which was really me working on myself, I left. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made.

You really have to be sure that this is what you want. You should consider every possible avenue to make sure this relationship will not work. It is almost a year since I left, and I am a lot more unhappy now. I gave up everything we had built together. It is too late for me now, as my old life is gone. Whatever you do, do not make any sudden moves. Try counselling, and then a brief seperation. And DO NOT have an affair to try and solve your current unhappiness.

 

Best of luck

[this_cant_be_right]

Thanks paralyzed. Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I'm not so sure that counselling will help us. Not that he would even agree to go. I feel like I have given everything to this relationship and there is not much left in me. The fact that I am really only staying because of financial reasons speaks volumes IMO.

 

I know that ultimately this could be a huge mistake leaving him. But I am terrified that it would be an even bigger mistake staying. I need a fresh start from everything and everyone in my life and he just can't give that to me. He is perfectly content to stay in the same spot, work the same job, have the same conversations, never even so much as leave the country.

 

Everyone expects us to stay together, get married, have children etc. The thought of that life scares me. I've always done what everyone expected me to do. I did well in school, I have a good job, steady boyfriend, I go out with my friends, I laugh and pretend everything is perfect. My best friend doesn't even know I have been unhappy, no-one does. I am literally a shadow of the person I was before, as sappy as that sounds.

 

Anyway, thanks for your help paralyzed. Anyone else like to weigh in on this?

[critter909]

I just got dumped by someone I had been with since I was 17 (~10 years) for at least some of the reasons you are talking about. I don't think he realizes yet what he has given up. So I agree that you should consider things carefully.

 

However, don't stay with someone if it's a lie, it's unfair to them and will only hurt more later when they find out that's what you have been doing.

[kizik]

Listen, I know I'm just some online person who doesn't know you, but your story is all-too-familiar to me. Here's how I feel: you need to leave.

 

My ex and I found we had nothing to say to each other, too. Literally NOTHING. Hanging out with her made me tense, as she'd criticize my opinions and berate me.

 

We were together for 3 years, 2 of which were decent. It all started to go downhill, I think, when she chopped all her hair off to donate. Looked bad and got PISSED at me when I wasn't elated. So we hung on for a year, but she kept bringing up what an as*hole I was for not loving her haircut.

 

As recently as a month ago, we expected to move in together this summer. We've been doing an LDR since last August; she was gonna move back home and we'd finally be together. But we'd had enough. Enough of the fighting, of feeling weird around each other. We broke up mutually.

 

It sounds like you have some serious trust issues with your BF. That is only going to be trouble down the line. And if you're unhappy now, nothing's going to change so you WILL be happy.

 

Leaving the comfort zone of a relationship, even an unfulfilling, bad one, is TERRIFYING. I know. But this thing has run its course. Look, if you were happy and could see a positive future with him, would you even be on this board?

 

You are not moved in yet, and you don't have kids. Cut and run. So what if your friends and family expect you guys together. You need to do what's best for you, and honey... he aint it.

[this_cant_be_right]

I just got dumped by someone I had been with since I was 17 (~10 years) for at least some of the reasons you are talking about. I don't think he realizes yet what he has given up. So I agree that you should consider things carefully.

 

However, don't stay with someone if it's a lie, it's unfair to them and will only hurt more later when they find out that's what you have been doing.

 

You're right critter. It is unfair on him. I am trying to think this through completely, but there are so many details in the way and I can barely even think straight at the moment.

 

Thanks kizik. I wish that if this does end we could be civil and agree mutually. I am afraid that if I finally go through with it, he will beg me to stay and I will cave. I'm even more afraid that he won't, he'll tell me to leave and never speak to him again. I understand this will never be easy, but I hate the thought of someone I still love wants nothing to do with me. I know we couldn't stay friends, we have too much history and it would be impossible. I wouldn't press it with him. It's just hard to think of letting go of him.

 

I can repeat all of the same cliches people normally do, we've been through so much etc etc but you all get the point.

[kizik]

As the guy whose girlfriend fell out of love with him, I can tell you that I wish she told me a long time ago. Instead, as you did, she let it go on way too long without expressing her unhappiness. And I had no way of knowing she didn't love me. Now I feel like an idiot and a schmuck.

 

Tell him. Get it over with and start your healing. He'll beg, but if you cave, you'll still feel unhappy.