replicator Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 For those that don't know my story, my ex left me after 10 years of a strong relationship, and the initial break was influenced by parents disapproval of me because of my financial/social status (I'm not a scrub, I'm University educated and have a good career, but the parents think they are too high class for the likes of me). I chased her like a madman, and she eventually said that she isn't in love with me anymore, though she still loves me. Maybe it was my acts of desperation that pushed her away. Anyways, I wrote her last week and broke a month of NC, telling her that I wasn't bitter (I was, but I didn't want to her to pity me) and that I would always love her. She finally replied today, and told me that she doesn't feel like she can make me truly happy, but that she will always love me and she is sorry that she is unable to give me the closure that I deserve. As I read this, I broke down crying, and all the feelings I've been suppressing came back momentarily. It is confusing, but I've been struggling to get through each day for the past two months, unable to get over her. My self-esteem is shot down so low that I could barely look at myself in the mirror, because I feel like such a failure for losing her. Bouts of depression are coming into play, and I think I've even lost a fair amount of hair over this. Anyways. I didn't reply yet. Not sure even if I will. I love her and would give my left arm to get her back. I am afraid to let her go because she means so much to me but I guess I don't have much choice in the matter.
orangehose Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Replicator, i'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. But you need to remember that your self-esteem should NOT, and I repeat, NOT, be impacted by her decision. From what you've described in this and other posts, you did no wrong, she just wasn't big enough to get over some rather superficial things about you. And if there were other things going on in the relationship that concerned her, then it's her fault for not telling you. Or if she just fell out of love for reasons she can't explain, well then take it like a natural disaster, a tsunami wave. It sucks though, I know, and all this is easier said than felt. As painful as it is to accept (and believe me I understand that it can be hard), I'd say she feels firmly at this time about the decision to break up, and your continually emailing her is not the impetus that will change her decision, if / when she ever does. At least you have some vestige of closure from her and she's attempting to be polite (more than I got, though no closure is ever enough, from what I hear). It's time to work on yourself and on moving on. From the sound of your posts, you could someday make a great mate for someone better able to appreciate you.
Author replicator Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 Thank you oranghose. Your reply did make me feel better. This break up made me look at myself very closely, and I realized that I invested so much in her, I don't have much to show without her in my life. I know I need to really work on building myself back again so I can stand on my two feet and feel comfortable in my own skin. I hate self-pity, but sometimes I start down that path without realizing it, and suddenly I'm absorbed in it and have trouble getting myself out of that pit. There is a lot I need to do to improve myself. I know I need to accept the situation I'm in and work with what I have to make myself better. I feel like I need to do something really life-changing and drastic in my life but I just don't know what that is yet.
Template Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Hey R, you are going through a tough time, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel for ya. It's all part of the healing process, and unfortunately are necessary steps for you to start getting better. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to yell, yell. If you need to hit something, do so, but please do it in a manner which doesn't affect other people. I think you get the message. It's a breakup, and no one expects you to be strong and act like it didn't happen. Your self esteem is low because you think you won't ever find anyone as good as her. Well you know what, you'll find one that is BETTER than her. You will be OK. All you need is time, and reassurance that its not your fault. You did your best, and she didn't appreciate it. Make yourself a better man, and find someone who will. In time, she will be the one regretting what she lost, not you... trust me on this.
Author replicator Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 Thanks for the reassuring words Template. I really do hope to find someone even better than her. Although she has so many good qualities, I suppose anybody who wouldn't leave me hanging like this would qualify. You're right, I do need to work on myself, and that is going to be my #1 priority. Need to pull myself together and face all my fears and stop the negativity. I'm more of an optimist, but this has brought out feelings from my past. I put on a strong face outside, because I don't want pity from friends and co-workers. I'm thankful for LS, it has been a great outlet. I can speak my feelings without being judged, and get support from so many good people that can relate.
kizik Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Rep, I think it's a good thing she replied to your email. It shows a little maturity on her part, I guess. I imagine you were kind of waiting for that reply, and now that you've gotten it, you can truly begin no contact and start healing once again. This business about not feeling like she can make you truly happy is ridiculous, IMO. It's a way of saying that she doesn't feel like YOU can make HER happy. Hmm.. sorry, that doesn't help. Both of you saying you will always love each other... though it may feel like that now, I think each of you will feel differently in a matter of months or years. This is not to say you won't always CARE about each other. The family thing is a big issue. I recall that something I felt I had in common with your situation is that the parents are a big influence on both our exes. Because the daughter will always be so close to the parents, it is a GOOD thing we are no longer the "loser ex boyfriends". You really don't want to be in a position where you're not respected by the family. And of course, they're just f*cking retarded for not seeing us for the great guys we are. I'm sorry if this reply doesn't help. My main point is that I am happy for you for receiving that email, because now, and finally now, you can really begin to heal. Closure? That comes from within, I believe. When you ARE able to look in that mirror and see a guy who is GREAT despite not having that woman who, in your diluted eyes, was so amazing.
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