svk1225 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Hey all, Let me begin by telling you a little about my current self. I'm 20 years old, I've only been in one relationship about a year and a half ago which lasted only about 4 months. Those 4 months were probably the happiest 4 months of my life. She was my first kiss and my first "love". The relationship ended with a very quick breakup and I have not been genuinely happy since then. However, I feel that having a girlfriend will make me happy again but I have not been able to find a girl for over a year now. I met a girl online about a month ago (she is also 20 years old). We talked online a few times through IM. I made it clear to her that I am looking for more than friendship and she said the same. We both seemed very interested in each other and ended up meeting up at her dorm room. The first impression went really well on both ends... I can tell she liked me and I liked her as well. We've hung out a few times since then, mostly just cuddled up on a couch next to each other watching a movie and going out to get something to eat. We have kissed a couple of times as well. Each time we were together it was obvious that she is interested in me and enjoys my company and I feel the same about her. She would also call me on a regular basis. Recently we have not been talking on a regular basis as she stopped calling me and I am not the type to chase a girl. I usually don't like calling a girl because I'm not such a great phone-talker (if that makes any sense...). I also become afraid to call if I am unsure if she wants me to. I'm just really confused as to why she seemed so interested in me and now I havn't heard from her in over a week. I called her a couple nights ago and she picked up and said she'd call me back but never did. This is actually the third time in a row that the same situation has happened to me... I find a girl, I make a great first impression, I can tell she's interested, and somehow it turns to nothing. I usually become almost upsest with wanting to be with someone I like and I get my hopes up really high and then I get shut down and become extremely depressed. I make sure not to seem desperate but I feel like the only thing that will make me happy is to find a girlfriend... How can I keep a girl interested especially after the first date? Is it something I may be doing wrong to make them run away? What should I do/say to the current girl I am talking to (the one I met online)? I can't stop thinking about her...
Alzoc Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Your situation sounds so much like mine, it isn't even funny... Although in my case, I've never even gotten to the kissy/cuddly phase. I think it isn't so much about having a girlfriend, as it is about who that girlfriend is. You know? If you genuinely love her (and no, that isn't "she's hot, so I'll try and date her"), and she genuinely loves you, it could do wonders for both your and her happiness, but your confidence and lifestyle as well. But if it's only one sided, or isn't real... I suspect it'd do the opposite. If you look around, the guy usually has to do everything... If she has to phone you too many times without you phoning her first here or there, that's going to start looking like you arn't THAT interested. Why? Because you aren't taking initiative. Also, hanging out is great, but I hear girls love dates. If you were to say, offer to take them out for dinner or something AFTER you've gotten to know them a bit, and feel a connection (to avoid looking like you're just looking for a fast way into her pants), that might help. I don't know, I'm 19 (20 in a few weeks) and with even less experience then you, but that's just how I take it as I'm starting to wake up...
FormerNiceGuy Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 A woman will not fulfill your life. You must fulfill your own life. The only way to have a happy life is to develop one for yourself, then leave an opening for someone else to come and share it with you. Neither of these two things is easy. "Needing" a girl is needy and you won't get any girl by being needy. You need to refocus entirely and make your life more fulfilling...so fulfilling that you have to squeeze women into your schedule. If you look at most guys who are successful with women or in strong relationships you'll notice they have other passions in their lives and to them sex and love isn't really a huge deal. Don't worry about finding the right woman- concentrate on becoming the right man. How you perceive yourself, so shall others perceive you. Until you change your OWN mindset, until you perceive your personal value to be more than crap, you cannot expect OTHERS to see any value in you. If you want people to love and respect you, you first have to love and respect YOURSELF.
Tomcat33 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 This is actually the third time in a row that the same situation has happened to me... I find a girl, I make a great first impression, I can tell she's interested, and somehow it turns to nothing. I usually become almost upsest with wanting to be with someone I like and I get my hopes up really high and then I get shut down and become extremely depressed. I make sure not to seem desperate but I feel like the only thing that will make me happy is to find a girlfriend... How can I keep a girl interested especially after the first date? Is it something I may be doing wrong to make them run away? What should I do/say to the current girl I am talking to (the one I met online)? I can't stop thinking about her... Ohh I am so sorry this is happening to you I know it is tough to want so badly to have a relationship and to not be able to. I think that maybe you just haven't me the right girl for you, dating is about that it is about finding the right fit for you. I think that maybe because you so desperately and secretly want to fall in love that you miss the sings that a woman is not right for you. I know this is easier said than done but go out with no expectations, the more pressure you put on yourself to have a date work out the more you will fail because you are trying to control something you really have no control over and that is another person's heart. Go out and have fun and don't think so much about if she is Ms right or not, just enjoy her company because if you are enjoying the MOMENT chances are she will too and that is what will draw the right woman closer to you. Have fun, this is what draws people together. If you are focusing on whether you are going to make it with the new girl or not, not you lose the moment you stop living the moment and not even there and she can prob sense that.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 A woman will not fulfill your life. You must fulfill your own life. The only way to have a happy life is to develop one for yourself, then leave an opening for someone else to come and share it with you. Neither of these two things is easy. "Needing" a girl is needy and you won't get any girl by being needy. You need to refocus entirely and make your life more fulfilling...so fulfilling that you have to squeeze women into your schedule. If you look at most guys who are successful with women or in strong relationships you'll notice they have other passions in their lives and to them sex and love isn't really a huge deal. Don't worry about finding the right woman- concentrate on becoming the right man. How you perceive yourself, so shall others perceive you. Until you change your OWN mindset, until you perceive your personal value to be more than crap, you cannot expect OTHERS to see any value in you. If you want people to love and respect you, you first have to love and respect YOURSELF. Couldn't put it better. OP, if your frame of mind and perspective towards life is more focused on thinking that having a girlfriend is gonna make everything better, then you need to look again. Nobody can make your life better except yourself. Other people are considered an additional bonus (ie friendships, and relationships).
lino Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I sometimes feel like this but maybe not as strongly as you OP. I love everything about my life except for the romance part Other people are considered an additional bonus (ie friendships, and relationships). I don't agree. Without friendships & relationships one will really have an empty life. The romance side of my life stinks, virtually non existant but my friends ( & family ) are everything to me. Without them AND with my current love life I'd literally feel like a virtually dead person. One can do all he/she wants to make themselves happy but without anyone to share it with are they really happy at all in the end?
orangesean Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 As with Lino, I just think you are kidding yourself that no one really needs anyone else to be happy. Humans are just social beings as a fact of life, and while many people live with out someone else, friends or significant others, they aren't at maximum happiness, unless they are misanthropes or something. Sure you can be content and even happy by yourself, but repeating to make yourself happy and the best you can be is just a mantra, same as "no pain, nor gain" or anything of the sort. I have a feeling people who say this a lot about putting your happiness first have never lived alone with no friends or anyone to turn to you when you are sad for long periods of time. It's no fun, truly. There is of course something to be said for independence and being happy alone, but people tend to complete eachother, whether it's a mentor, friend, enemy, or lover. It's interaction, and it's necessary. All that stuff aside, which is just my opinion, argue at will, I relate to the OP's problem. I'm guessing girls who show interest first, only to take it away 1 or 2 weeks later is just a sign of immaturity. It's not clear. But I have this problem a lot too. Someone takes great interest you, and once you start showing interst back, it's dead. I'm hoping more adult women aren't major flakes like this, but I'm not so sure. If there's some logical reason why women can't just tell you honestly they aren't interested, or lost interest, or whatever the hell has come up that made them so quickly change their mind, I'd love to hear it. Totally sucks about the situation where you called her and she said "she'd call you back." Ugh... next time, tell her she sucks and act like you have other girls you have to get to, that's usually sure to keep a woman's interest.
v33 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 All I have to add is that if you think a girl will fill some void in your life, and you find one that does.... well what happens to you when she leaves? Back into the void.
orangesean Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Just don't make it a huge void. Same void happens if you lose a parent, sibling, or best friend. Voids are an inevitable part of life.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I sometimes feel like this but maybe not as strongly as you OP. I love everything about my life except for the romance part I don't agree. Without friendships & relationships one will really have an empty life. The romance side of my life stinks, virtually non existant but my friends ( & family ) are everything to me. Without them AND with my current love life I'd literally feel like a virtually dead person. One can do all he/she wants to make themselves happy but without anyone to share it with are they really happy at all in the end? Okay maybe you didn't understand me, but for the OP, he needs to realized that its okay to be single and happy. If all he believes that having a girlfriend is gonna bring about it, it's wrong. How can he be happy if he's not happy being himself? Of course it's would bring even more happiness to OP if he had someone to share it with.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Just don't make it a huge void. Same void happens if you lose a parent, sibling, or best friend. Voids are an inevitable part of life. Of course, that's why he needs to see that he doesn't necessary need a "girlfriend" to complete the void.
orangesean Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 You still complete the "social void" so to speak with someone, so basically any relationship you have past an acquaintance is a risk to your personal happiness and a lack of any thereof will kill some or all of your it, causing some to become depressed or some staying at content. A girlfriend is a bigger gamble, as it's someone you put all your love in trust and is not fully required to give unconditional love like a parent (although it should be that way). A girlfriend probably has 3 to 1 odds on best friends doing the same work of emotional fulfillment. So you lose a girlfriend, you gain a bigger void.
DunnoWhat Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Don't let a relationship become addictive! Like an alcoholic needs to drink to be happy some men need women to be happy. Need being the key word here.
orangesean Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I think a lot of you guys get confused with need. Relationships are not addictions. Everyone needs someone. I dare anyone to tell me you don't have anyone else in your life (friend, family, parent, or SO) and that you are completely happy with yourself and don't need anyone. It's just not going to happen. Humans are social, they depend on others for interaction. Same goes for any other social species in the animal kingdom, they die or lose the will to go on without their group or support. But I'm sure all of your are happy beach hermits with long beards and only come on Loveshack to preach to everyone else that no one needs another right? That relationships with other people in life are just one of those extra perks? Have fun playing Scrabble or Chess alone on your table made of conch shells.
Meaplus3 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 A woman will not fulfill your life. You must fulfill your own life. The only way to have a happy life is to develop one for yourself, then leave an opening for someone else to come and share it with you. Neither of these two things is easy. "Needing" a girl is needy and you won't get any girl by being needy. You need to refocus entirely and make your life more fulfilling...so fulfilling that you have to squeeze women into your schedule. If you look at most guys who are successful with women or in strong relationships you'll notice they have other passions in their lives and to them sex and love isn't really a huge deal. Don't worry about finding the right woman- concentrate on becoming the right man. How you perceive yourself, so shall others perceive you. Until you change your OWN mindset, until you perceive your personal value to be more than crap, you cannot expect OTHERS to see any value in you. If you want people to love and respect you, you first have to love and respect YOURSELF. Great post FNG..I agree with you 100%. AP:)
DunnoWhat Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I think a lot of you guys get confused with need. Relationships are not addictions. Everyone needs someone. I dare anyone to tell me you don't have anyone else in your life (friend, family, parent, or SO) and that you are completely happy with yourself and don't need anyone. It's just not going to happen. Humans are social, they depend on others for interaction. Same goes for any other social species in the animal kingdom, they die or lose the will to go on without their group or support. But I'm sure all of your are happy beach hermits with long beards and only come on Loveshack to preach to everyone else that no one needs another right? That relationships with other people in life are just one of those extra perks? Have fun playing Scrabble or Chess alone on your table made of conch shells. No we're saying relationships shouldn't be what you base you happiness on. If you love yourself you won't need anybody but that doesn't mean you can't have a relationship.
orangesean Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 If you love yourself you won't need anybody... That's what I take fault with, no one is like that. Do you know anyone who loves their self so much they don't need anyone else? Are you like that? Is anyone here just joyous to be alone? You can just skim the surface by checking wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human Humans have survived this far by forming groups, bonds, relationships, and culture. There's no culture of people who live independently among eachother all completely happy and self fulfilled without needing to form any bonds. It's just a lie to think that someone loving their self could somehow go against human nature itself.
Mahatma Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 My last dating experience was JUST like this. We hit it off really well and she was probably more attached then even I was. Then, all of a sudden, she just stopped talking to me. I didn't, and still don't, get it. Whenever I have a situation like this, I just do something to better myself. Start jogging, biking, working out, play guitar, just spend time outside.. whatever makes you feel better about yourself. I will say that if you feel good about yourself and have a high self value, it shows.
DunnoWhat Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 That's what I take fault with, no one is like that. Do you know anyone who loves their self so much they don't need anyone else? Are you like that? Is anyone here just joyous to be alone? There are people at peace with themselves whatever they do. All I'm saying is if you need somebody to be happy then there is something wrong. You can have a relationship without needing one.
missdeathwish Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 As a woman, I'd like to offer some advice. Don't look for a girlfriend. Me, I don't look for boyfriends. I tried once and it was a very bad idea. If you meet a girl in a normal social situation and you two hit it off, then consider a relationship. But don't go looking for a relationship. If you go out looking for a relationship, you risk a couple of things: - Convincing yourself that the relationship will validate you/complete you/make life great/whatever. This simply isn't the case. Yes, relationships are great, when they work, but they don't fix problems in your life. You're just adding something in. (At the very worst, you might try to use a relationship to distract you from a problem or a void, which could potentially worsen.) - Convincing yourself that a potential mate is a good one when she isn't. This is easy to do and can happen in a number of situations. In short, if you address a general need, you might lose sight of more important things, such as a potential mate's characteristics. This doesn't always happen, of course, but if you're too anxious to find a girlfriend, you might overlook compatibility issues. - This one's bad: buying into the idea that you're not whole or complete without a mate. That just trashes your self-esteem. Don't do that. Think about why you were so happy when you had a girlfriend and what, in general terms, is missing from your life. What are your social needs? Do you sit around at home too much? Do you need validation? (It should come from within, of course, but finding a group that appreciates your awesomeness is helpful.) And I totally understand the getting your hopes high and then getting depressed. It sucks. But it gets easier. Like, every time, you wait longer to get excited, and it takes less time to get over the depression. It's great that you get excited (means you're not jaded) but it can be hard. Good luck, man! Try joining a club, going to some parties, or taking an elective that interests you. Not only will it give you the opportunity to meet people with similar interests (some of them girls), it will also give you the chance to learn more about yourself, get excited about something new, and have a great time (all of which are considered attractive).
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