Who is right and who is wrong??

[disneyfreak73]

In April of 2007 my husbands company was on strike and he was the spokes person for his company so he was on the news and in the paper. One of the gentlemen that he works with approached him and said that he was related to him via his wife. In talking with this guys wife which they are cousins 3rd or 4th not quit sure, two months down the road it is like they are the best of friends. As my husband says they just clicked. I was a little wary of the closness and started to put a halt to it as soon as I could. My first comment came when he was thoughtful and asked me if I would mind if he started to take walks with her once a week.

 

I told him I thought he was spending too much time with her. Which led to him having our children ONE TIME told not to tell me that they were at her house and spent time with her and her children. Which promted even more anger from me. Then there came the odd jobs for her family, meanwhile my family is looking to pay him well to install sliding glass doors, ect. Didn't have the time for my family. His response was, he didn't feel like doing those things for my family. He bought her a stuffed animal that he bought her when they were kids, and had it delivered to his sisters house because he knew I would be mad.

 

Then we are always on the phone with her. In July we are on vacation and my children come and tell me that their dad is on the phone with who they believe is his cousin because he said I love you. I flipped out. By August I am threatening to leave if he doesn't cut off all ties. He doesn't. So on we go. Christmas comes and he showes up with a new necklace. I question this necklace. He got it from a friend of his who's wife bought it for him and there is a valid story to that. But come to find out in April of this year it was a christmas present from the cousin. And then in looking at pics this cousin got the same Tiffany necklace that I got for christmas. BUT we as a couple bought her and her husband and their children gifts. These were secret gifts.

 

New Years Eve we had plans with my friends but he wasn't feeling well so I stayed home with him. We went to be early before the ball dropped, and I woke up a few min after the ball fell came down to find him on the computer IM'ing her. I cried because he rang in the New Year with her. He did try to wake me for sex but I brushed him off. So I will say that in his defense. He promised me then that he would cut off all ties to her because of how much it upset me. But the next day that was never promised according to him. I was rediculed by this woman on 3 different occasions. And in April I was in a very very small accident the same day this cousins Aunt died. He was under the impression that this was also a relative of his but was not.

 

He rushed to be at her side. Granite I was not hurt but myself and one of his children were in this car accident I felt that he should have been with me. So I really flipped out and banned him from seeing, talking or communication of any type. But I felt like crap for that being that the woman is dying of cancer. So I relented to an IM relationship only. Only to find out a few days later that this relationship crossed boundaries. Not sexual of any kind boundaries. But inappropriate conduct boundaries. I flipped out somemore, and took back the IM relationship. So, he continued the relationship and continued to lie to me about it. Continued to send myspace comments that were inappropriate and or too many meaning like 6-7 a day.

 

Good morning, good night, thinking of you, here's a hug, happy whatever day of the week it was. Sending hug and kiss pokes to each other, ect. I didn't like it. I was in his car about 2 weeks ago and dropped his debit card behind his seat so I flipped the seat up and moved a coat to find valentines cards. NOT FOR ME!!!!! So then I proceeded to snoop and under his seat I found a christmas card from her to him in which she writes I LOVE YOU. And it is not a cousin style card to be saying that. I blew a gasket. I was leaving I came home and told him that I was done I wanted out. And he asked me to stay that he doesn't want to end our marriage. Blah blah blah same story I have heard everytime I wanted to leave. So I stay and a few nights later I am watching him on the computer he is IM'ing her and looking at boats on ebay and she gets the feeling that I am sitting there and calls me a stupid bitch.

 

I am yelling and screaming and packing the kids up. Our youngest son is crying, he is telling me I am not leaving. That she was wrong to call me that. I told him it ends here and now. Everything ends now. He wants to keep her as a friend. Because yes he crossed the line with their relationship. But he wants to be with me. And he can keep their relationship purely friends and that is it. But his reasoning for not doing so prior is because he didn't want too. He understands that I cannot trust him. So he supposivly tells her that their relationship ends. Which then results in her emailing me to tell me that she has emails from him that I would be intrested in and that she has told him to leave her alone and he refuses and that he is seeing her that day.

 

I call my husband and end it yet again. No no that is not what happened and he goes off on a rant about her. Whatever I am so done with these two. So the next day she emails me again telling me that he did stop by but there was a reason and he was the closest one to her to help her and that he is a really good guy and that she is going to stop contacting him and that she should not be coming between the two of us and hopes we can work it out. That was last Thursday she has been emailing him up until saturday or so I can see. Anyway, the cross road I am at is I want her off his myspace as a friend, he wants to keep her because of her cancer to just get updates as to how she is doing. I am telling him it's all or nothing. I want unbiased opinions as to who is right am I being rediculous in wanting her out of his life completely??

[Mr. Lucky]

Disneyfreak, paragraphs and a more coherent timeline would make your post easier to follow. I gave up 2/3 of the way through, couldn't figure out who did what to who. Sorry,

 

Mr. Lucky

[TechDude]

So the next day she emails me again telling me that he did stop by but there was a reason and he was the closest one to her to help her and that he is a really good guy and that she is going to stop contacting him and that she should not be coming between the two of us and hopes we can work it out.

 

Comparing the things you found and what she is saying, it is hard to know what to believe.

 

That was last Thursday she has been emailing him up until saturday or so I can see. Anyway, the cross road I am at is I want her off his myspace as a friend, he wants to keep her because of her cancer to just get updates as to how she is doing. I am telling him it's all or nothing. I want unbiased opinions as to who is right am I being rediculous in wanting her out of his life completely??

I don't think you are ridiculous in wanting her out of his life, but probably unrealistic. If she really does have cancer (you haven't told us how bad it is or the prognosis), then there are probably grounds for compassion.

 

Maybe the answer lies in you becoming more involved so that it is a relationship between you two as a couple and her. Maybe in getting to know her better, you will be able to determine if she is sincere when she says:

he is a really good guy and that she is going to stop contacting him and that she should not be coming between the two of us and hopes we can work it out

A few important things though, regardless of which direction you choose to go.

 

No more lies or secrecy. If you husband remains in contact, it has to be in the open. IM logs, email etc should all be made available to you.

 

If your H seems to be devoting more time to the "cousin" than his own family, then you should also be able to insist he devote himself to some of his responsibilities to his own family. Rather than a negative (stop doing X for her), use a positive (start doing some things with his own family).

 

Having said all that, things like the following ring alarm bells:

to find valentines cards. NOT FOR ME!!!!! ... I found a christmas card from her to him in which she writes I LOVE YOU. And it is not a cousin style card to be saying that.

Time for a heart to heart conversation, not a yelling match, for you to calmly (if you can) explain to him why all this is inappropriate and how it makes you feel.

 

As he has lied already about what he is doing, I don't know if you will get a straight answer.

 

her emailing me to tell me that she has emails from him that I would be intrested in and that she has told him to leave her alone and he refuses and that he is seeing her that day. I call my husband and end it yet again. No no that is not what happened and he goes off on a rant about her

Sigh! I wonder if anyone is able to tell the truth. Now they are turning on each other.

[Jersey Shortie]

I want unbiased opinions as to who is right am I being rediculous in wanting her out of his life completely??

 

Okay, honestly I did not wade through this whole post because I was confused about who was who as well. But I did read most of it and I think you have some serious red flags going on between the conduct of your husband and this 3rd/4th cousin. I don't think you really even need to ask.

[quankanne]

time for a final ultimatum that you will follow through on, because otherwise, he'll just keep manipulating you.

 

tell him that it's her, or it's us. And if he fails to come to a decision, then YOU will decide for the both of you. Then follow through.

 

as for the cancer ... well, I'm sorry to hear about it, but guess what? There are other ways he can be kept posted, like asking a relative or mutual friend to give y'all updates from time to time when things take a turn for better ... or worse. Otherwise, he's going to use that as his lifeline to keeping their relationship alive.

 

like I said, when you give ultimatums, you really need to follow through. Otherwise you're just condoning his shabby treatment of you.

[kikiD]

whether she's really a 3rd/4th cousin or not really isn't the issue here. he is obviously having an extra-marital relationship. you have every right to draw a line. do it now.

[SeraBella]

I think you have some serious red flags going on between the conduct of your husband and this 3rd/4th cousin. I don't think you really even need to ask.

 

 

I have to say I agree.

[Lucky_One]

Do you have to see him sticking his pecker in her for you to know that they are having an affair?

 

Post your story on OW/OM, and ask them if they think he is cheating (physically and emotionally). He is "crossing boundaries" for sure, esp when you consider he is also exchanging spit.

[smartgirl]

In April of 2007 my husbands company was on strike and he was the spokes person for his company so he was on the news and in the paper. One of the gentlemen that he works with approached him and said that he was related to him via his wife. In talking with this guys wife which they are cousins 3rd or 4th not quit sure, two months down the road it is like they are the best of friends. As my husband says they just clicked. I was a little wary of the closness and started to put a halt to it as soon as I could. My first comment came when he was thoughtful and asked me if I would mind if he started to take walks with her once a week.

 

I told him I thought he was spending too much time with her. Which led to him having our children ONE TIME told not to tell me that they were at her house and spent time with her and her children. Which promted even more anger from me. Then there came the odd jobs for her family, meanwhile my family is looking to pay him well to install sliding glass doors, ect. Didn't have the time for my family. His response was, he didn't feel like doing those things for my family. He bought her a stuffed animal that he bought her when they were kids, and had it delivered to his sisters house because he knew I would be mad.

 

Then we are always on the phone with her. In July we are on vacation and my children come and tell me that their dad is on the phone with who they believe is his cousin because he said I love you. I flipped out. By August I am threatening to leave if he doesn't cut off all ties. He doesn't. So on we go. Christmas comes and he showes up with a new necklace. I question this necklace. He got it from a friend of his who's wife bought it for him and there is a valid story to that. But come to find out in April of this year it was a christmas present from the cousin. And then in looking at pics this cousin got the same Tiffany necklace that I got for christmas. BUT we as a couple bought her and her husband and their children gifts. These were secret gifts.

 

New Years Eve we had plans with my friends but he wasn't feeling well so I stayed home with him. We went to be early before the ball dropped, and I woke up a few min after the ball fell came down to find him on the computer IM'ing her. I cried because he rang in the New Year with her. He did try to wake me for sex but I brushed him off. So I will say that in his defense. He promised me then that he would cut off all ties to her because of how much it upset me. But the next day that was never promised according to him. I was rediculed by this woman on 3 different occasions. And in April I was in a very very small accident the same day this cousins Aunt died. He was under the impression that this was also a relative of his but was not.

 

He rushed to be at her side. Granite I was not hurt but myself and one of his children were in this car accident I felt that he should have been with me. So I really flipped out and banned him from seeing, talking or communication of any type. But I felt like crap for that being that the woman is dying of cancer. So I relented to an IM relationship only. Only to find out a few days later that this relationship crossed boundaries. Not sexual of any kind boundaries. But inappropriate conduct boundaries. I flipped out somemore, and took back the IM relationship. So, he continued the relationship and continued to lie to me about it. Continued to send myspace comments that were inappropriate and or too many meaning like 6-7 a day.

 

Good morning, good night, thinking of you, here's a hug, happy whatever day of the week it was. Sending hug and kiss pokes to each other, ect. I didn't like it. I was in his car about 2 weeks ago and dropped his debit card behind his seat so I flipped the seat up and moved a coat to find valentines cards. NOT FOR ME!!!!! So then I proceeded to snoop and under his seat I found a christmas card from her to him in which she writes I LOVE YOU. And it is not a cousin style card to be saying that. I blew a gasket. I was leaving I came home and told him that I was done I wanted out. And he asked me to stay that he doesn't want to end our marriage. Blah blah blah same story I have heard everytime I wanted to leave. So I stay and a few nights later I am watching him on the computer he is IM'ing her and looking at boats on ebay and she gets the feeling that I am sitting there and calls me a stupid bitch.

 

I am yelling and screaming and packing the kids up. Our youngest son is crying, he is telling me I am not leaving. That she was wrong to call me that. I told him it ends here and now. Everything ends now. He wants to keep her as a friend. Because yes he crossed the line with their relationship. But he wants to be with me. And he can keep their relationship purely friends and that is it. But his reasoning for not doing so prior is because he didn't want too. He understands that I cannot trust him. So he supposivly tells her that their relationship ends. Which then results in her emailing me to tell me that she has emails from him that I would be intrested in and that she has told him to leave her alone and he refuses and that he is seeing her that day.

 

I call my husband and end it yet again. No no that is not what happened and he goes off on a rant about her. Whatever I am so done with these two. So the next day she emails me again telling me that he did stop by but there was a reason and he was the closest one to her to help her and that he is a really good guy and that she is going to stop contacting him and that she should not be coming between the two of us and hopes we can work it out. That was last Thursday she has been emailing him up until saturday or so I can see. Anyway, the cross road I am at is I want her off his myspace as a friend, he wants to keep her because of her cancer to just get updates as to how she is doing. I am telling him it's all or nothing. I want unbiased opinions as to who is right am I being rediculous in wanting her out of his life completely??

 

You need both of them out of your life. Your H wants to keep you and the kids but has shown he can't give her up. If he can't give up his relationship with another woman, he has told you all you need to know about the quality of your marriage. I am very supportive of reconciliation when the WS is willing to do what is needed to repair the M. Your H is not and wants to stay in a relationship with a woman who calls him vile names.

 

Leave or make him leave. But do make sure you call her H and let him know about the can of worms he opened up.

[kikiD]

But do make sure you call her H and let him know about the can of worms he opened up.

 

 

Oh that's funny! Not my style but funny!

[jmargel]

Your husband is having an affair, doesn't matter if sex is involved or not. It has been going on for a year. He lies, he's deceitful and disrespectful. You only know what you have found out. He hasn't told you anything beyond that. There are more secrets they have that you don't know about.

 

His words are meaningless and even through all the hurt he still wants to keep that door open for her to put her foot in. He has put her number one priority.

 

Now, for you. You can't control this OW or your husband. You will not keep your marriage together by trying to keep them apart. Although she is an issue in your marriage, she is not the REASON why your marriage is falling apart. The communication, the love, the respect has slowly dwindled away until it has come to this.

 

IMO you should open the cage door for him. Let him know he is free to do whatever he wants and to not look back. You need to show action at this point because words are not enough. When he hits rock bottom and realizes that this OW is not everything his imagination has led him to believe, then he might be ready for counseling. Not until counseling has really taught him about communication, respect and priorities will your marriage have a chance.

 

You tolerate his behavior so he continues it. And yes, you do tolerate it. Remember words are meaningless. In one ear and out the other. He knows you won't go, because you don't respect yourself enough. It's time for things to change. What are you exactly getting out of this marriage? Being emotionally exhausted is not something you should be enduring.

[Lookingforward]

Doesn't this cousin have a H ? Shouldn't HE be supporting her in her fight with cancer?

 

I'd tell her H what is going on.......

[whichwayisup]

I was going to ask that - Isn't she married? You need to talk to her husband and let him know wtf has been going on.

[disneyfreak73]

Wow, I thank all of you all for your thoughts. Yes she does have a husband and yes I wish she would confide in him more. As far as the cancer. Who knows what type she really has, I have confirmed with the family that yes she is sick. She has what is called Medulloblastoma. Which is a childhood disease which can go either way as far as non cancerous or cancerous. She is 34 and has had it for 11 years. This is where it gets fruity to me. She is in stage 6 cancer. I have a father who died of cancer and as far as I remember stage 4 is it. And she has 3 tumors on her brain 3 on her spine and one on her heart and one of her lungs is defective meaning it does not work at all. The girl god bless her does not look sick. But, she is always on the brink of death and then she miraculously comes back. The latest thing that was told to me is that her doctor gave her pills to end it all.

[Mary3]

Your husband is having an affair, doesn't matter if sex is involved or not. It has been going on for a year. He lies, he's deceitful and disrespectful. You only know what you have found out. He hasn't told you anything beyond that. There are more secrets they have that you don't know about.

 

His words are meaningless and even through all the hurt he still wants to keep that door open for her to put her foot in. He has put her number one priority.

 

Now, for you. You can't control this OW or your husband. You will not keep your marriage together by trying to keep them apart. Although she is an issue in your marriage, she is not the REASON why your marriage is falling apart. The communication, the love, the respect has slowly dwindled away until it has come to this.

 

IMO you should open the cage door for him. Let him know he is free to do whatever he wants and to not look back. You need to show action at this point because words are not enough. When he hits rock bottom and realizes that this OW is not everything his imagination has led him to believe, then he might be ready for counseling. Not until counseling has really taught him about communication, respect and priorities will your marriage have a chance.

 

You tolerate his behavior so he continues it. And yes, you do tolerate it. Remember words are meaningless. In one ear and out the other. He knows you won't go, because you don't respect yourself enough. It's time for things to change. What are you exactly getting out of this marriage? Being emotionally exhausted is not something you should be enduring.

 

WOW beautiful advice !

 

Your husband is having an emotional affair with this cousin. He may even be doing MORE like physical stuff and sex. HE and HER will do ANYTHING to keep it going , if that means LYING to you.

 

Things I think he is lying about :

 

Maybe her cancer ? They concocted this to keep it going , keep the myspace , keep the IM , keep the texting.

 

Even if she does have cancer , for which we are all sorry to hear , they still need to end it . But I stop myself short with that and say YOU need to end it with THEM BOTH. YOU need to get a new life without Husband.

 

No~ 3 ~somes and thats what you have here . This cousin LOVES your husband ! I mean LOVES him. He LIKELY LOVES HER ! I mean why would on Valentines day would she give him a card that says I LOVE YOU if he didn't say it first.

They are obsessed with eachother.

 

The BEST justice ( because of how they snuck around and disrespected you ) is for you to hire an ATTORNEY and divorce this man !

 

I don't think counseling will help. If she does have cancer and she does pass away he will be ALONE and well , while we should not wish the worst, he deserves to lose it ALL for his conduct.