My dilemma...if you have a minute

[sibernox]

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now. I love her, but I don't think I"m IN love with her. Anyways, I've been thinking about this for a while now. Do you guys think it's wrong for us to take a break for a week or so? The reason I want us to potentially take a break is because there is this other girl I wana go out with, but I also would never do that if I'm still officially with my girlfriend. I would never cheat on her, that would kill her and me. I don't know what to do. I don't wana lose her, but at the same time, I wana experience the single life so bad sometimes.

[kizik]

Stay with your girlfriend. LS-ers might disagree, since you are not IN love with her... dude, be f*cking grateful for what you have. Many of us would kill to have what you have.

 

Gimme a REAL problem...

[LikeCharlotte]

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now. I love her, but I don't think I"m IN love with her. Anyways, I've been thinking about this for a while now. Do you guys think it's wrong for us to take a break for a week or so? The reason I want us to potentially take a break is because there is this other girl I wana go out with, but I also would never do that if I'm still officially with my girlfriend. I would never cheat on her, that would kill her and me. I don't know what to do. I don't wana lose her, but at the same time, I wana experience the single life so bad sometimes.

So... you got to the point with your g/f that the butterflies went away and the real thing is beginning and you want to go after an new girl? Break it off and leave you g/f alone. She deserves more. She can find someone who really wants her and isn't going to leave her to chase a fantasy. I'm sorry if I sound cruel but I am assuming you are young or inexperienced. The sooner you learn that love isn't all butterflies the better.

The real question here is if you think things with your g/f will work out long term. Have you considered that at all?

[Lizzie60]

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now. I love her, but I don't think I"m IN love with her. Anyways, I've been thinking about this for a while now. Do you guys think it's wrong for us to take a break for a week or so? The reason I want us to potentially take a break is because there is this other girl I wana go out with, but I also would never do that if I'm still officially with my girlfriend. I would never cheat on her, that would kill her and me. I don't know what to do. I don't wana lose her, but at the same time, I wana experience the single life so bad sometimes.

 

OK.. nothing wrong with taking a break.. although a break of ONE week.. is not really a break.. it is a interlude for you to go see what's out there.

 

Are you willing to tell your gf why you want this break.. if not.. then I see it as cheating.. for a week... are you willing to tell your gf that SHE CAN ALSO go out there and try a new guy? huh????? Be honest.. are you?

 

Most breaks are exactly for that reason.. to go see if there is something better out there...

 

What if it takes a few weeks to see if you like the other girl better?

What if SHE goes out and find someone she loves more.. then you lose both..

What if your gf DOES NOT want to take a break?

Are you willing to lose her?

[sibernox]

The real question here is if you think things with your g/f will work out long term. Have you considered that at all?

 

Yes, I have thought about that. And I actually see myself ending up with her long-term. I've also thought that if she had come into my life a couple of years from now, it would have been perfect.

 

 

 
are you willing to tell your gf that SHE CAN ALSO go out there and try a new guy? huh????? Be honest.. are you?

 

Yeah, I have actually told her that she is "allowed" to see whoever she wants. It's only fair. I didn't like it one bit, but I told her.

 

What if SHE goes out and find someone she loves more.. then you lose both..

 

It would kill me. Even right now, I'm not entirely comfortable. I'm thinking of just doing it and it doesn't feel good.

 

 

 

What if your gf DOES NOT want to take a break?

Are you willing to lose her?

 

If she doesn't want to take a break, I don't know. She probably won't want to. But I just feel it's something i have to do. I don't know if this makes sense, but yeah. I would never be able to live with myself if I cheated on her.

 

 

The sooner you learn that love isn't all butterflies the better.

 

Please, please, explain this further.

[Lizzie60]

I think you're a smart guy and I trust that you will make the right decision.

 

You are being fair to her by telling her she can do the same.. now it's a gamble..

 

You better find out NOW if she's the right one.. if you're not sure then the best thing is to split... and explore..

 

Good luck!

[fran82]

i think that if your doubting, to the extent that you got someone else in mind, sounds like your already there! give her the respect as a person that she deserves. u need to have conviction with whatever you chose, having her hang around while you decide if this second girl is worth the bother, isnt really fair on your current lady. maybe that sounds harsh, but try to think of where she'll be thinking from!

 

if you dont love her enough now to know, you never will. dont mess her about

 

you do sound like your fair kinda guy, so stick with that, take her feelings into consideration. any girl that is told by her bf to play the field, knows he doesnt love her really!

 

take care with her feelings and yours! good luck!

[orangehose]

Yes, I have thought about that. And I actually see myself ending up with her long-term. I've also thought that if she had come into my life a couple of years from now, it would have been perfect.

 

 

Okay, I was ready to say, 'go ahead and break up, if you really long for the single life' but then I read this.

 

It sounds like what you basically want is an affair - to sample something on the side, then have her to return to. OR perhaps you have authentically lost interest in her but haven't been able to admit it to yourself. Either way, it is only fair that you either give up this new love interest, OR you truly, completely break up and free your girlfriend. I know if my boyfriend took a break to sample something on the side for a couple weeks, with the potential of either getting back together OR breaking up for good, it would cause a lot of resentment in me. Such that I would either break up, OR if we got back together i would take it as license to sample something on the side down the road in the relationsihp, if something came along the way Either way the relationsihp would come to an end. UNLESS she is equally open to the idea of this rather 'open' relationship.

[sibernox]

I don't wana lose her though. I only told her to "play the field" because I wanted to be fair to her. I really do think I love this girl, just not sure if I'm IN LOVE with her...if that makes sense.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't wana feel guilty. I don't think I've lost interest in her. I still love spending time with her, and I think about her a lot.

[LikeCharlotte]

The feelings you have in the beginning of an intimate relationship change from "butterflies" to something altogether more meaningful. I am gathering that this is your first experience with this. Let me see if i can find a link to something that will help you understand what I mean...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love specifically the science section or http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_(scientific_views)

http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm this may help also

 

After some time the chemicals in your brain that attracted you to your girlfriend in the first place change. Oxytocin (the bonding chemical) begins to be the primary chemical. This means that you have achieved a more serious relationship. Its a good thing even though you wont feel the "butterflies" as often. That is what the difference between being in love and loving is. No matter who you are with that will eventually happen.

 

If you can see a future with your girl do not risk losing her. What you are feeling for another girl is just a crush and no matter who you are with sometimes someone else can peak your interest. You stand to hurt someone very much and it is very likely for no reason at all.

 

If you decide that you want to meet someone else and that she is really not what you are looking for then just end the relationship completely and me kind enough to her to let her find someone who will want to be with her.

 

Show her respect and love no matter what you do. Both of you will be better off for it. Good luck. I hope this helps some.

[sibernox]

Thanks for the reply LikeCharlotte.

 

Yes, it is my first true relationship. What you said is very interesting. I was scared that me somewhat not feeling the same way about her than a year ago was a bad thing, but I guess it's not. SCREW OXYTOCIN!

 

I don't think I could stand losing her. But then again, I see other girls sometimes and the being single part intrigues me. I honestly am stuck.

 

Is it normal to get "thoughts" about other girls? Is it normal to feel distant in a relationship? What do you suggest I do about these thoughts?

 

I apologize for the non-stop blabbering.

[justaman99]

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now. I love her, but I don't think I"m IN love with her. Anyways, I've been thinking about this for a while now. Do you guys think it's wrong for us to take a break for a week or so? The reason I want us to potentially take a break is because there is this other girl I wana go out with, but I also would never do that if I'm still officially with my girlfriend. I would never cheat on her, that would kill her and me. I don't know what to do. I don't wana lose her, but at the same time, I wana experience the single life so bad sometimes.

 

You can't take a break for a week and then go see what some other girl is like. That would be essentially cheating. It's like saying to your girlfriend. Let's break up for one week, then I'm going to go have sex with this girl, then we'll get back together. It's cheating. You have to break up. People use the take a break conversation for the exact reasons you want to and it's disrespectful. Just say it how it is. You want to break up and see what else is out there.

[stlnsmile]

Thanks for the reply LikeCharlotte.

 

Yes, it is my first true relationship. What you said is very interesting. I was scared that me somewhat not feeling the same way about her than a year ago was a bad thing, but I guess it's not. SCREW OXYTOCIN!

 

I don't think I could stand losing her. But then again, I see other girls sometimes and the being single part intrigues me. I honestly am stuck.

 

Is it normal to get "thoughts" about other girls? Is it normal to feel distant in a relationship? What do you suggest I do about these thoughts?

 

I apologize for the non-stop blabbering.

 

Okay, you are young and of course its normal. But its also normal to loose that intense lovin feeling after a while. It does not mean your relationship is less valuable, in fact, it probably means its more valuable. Getting more real. What I think is that you should tell her what you feel, honestly, and tell her your board. If my ex had done that I would have tried to spice things up a bit:) Young guys are so afraid to tell the truth to their SO because they are not used to bonding with anyone really. Girls know guys look, silly. We're not dumb. Girls look too ya know. She may have at some point said to herself somewhere along the way....God that guy is hot...but its the CHOICE to go through with it or not. To value her and what you have together more than your penis. If I can say that. Tell her, talk to her, she can handle the truth. You need to be real careful how you say it...but I would tell her. You may find you bond with her even more after telling her something this important. I wish my boyfriend of a year and four months had told me.

[vivrantflo]

I know exactly how you feel man. Most guys your age do. When they're in a relationship, they wonder what being single is like.. and when they're single, they want a woman.

 

You have every right to end a relationship you don't want to be in. But take it from my experience.. the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. You've already invested over a year in her. You have something going good.

 

But picture this dude.. you break things off, and you go and date someone else you're interested in.. and things don't work out the way you expect them to. You're gonna miss your ex REALLY bad. And by that time, she'll be dating someone else, cause women can find another man faster than you think. And if she's fallen for him, you're finished, cause you would have broken her heart, AND trust.

 

Think looong and hard about this man. Cause how you feel now, can and will rapidly change, once you find out your woman is feeling another man.

 

And that feeling SUCKS

[justaman99]

I know exactly how you feel man. Most guys your age do. When they're in a relationship, they wonder what being single is like.. and when they're single, they want a woman.

 

You have every right to end a relationship you don't want to be in. But take it from my experience.. the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. You've already invested over a year in her. You have something going good.

 

But picture this dude.. you break things off, and you go and date someone else you're interested in.. and things don't work out the way you expect them to. You're gonna miss your ex REALLY bad. And by that time, she'll be dating someone else, cause women can find another man faster than you think. And if she's fallen for him, you're finished, cause you would have broken her heart, AND trust.

 

Think looong and hard about this man. Cause how you feel now, can and will rapidly change, once you find out your woman is feeling another man.

 

And that feeling SUCKS

 

true true true and it will happen.

[LikeCharlotte]

I know exactly how you feel man. Most guys your age do. When they're in a relationship, they wonder what being single is like.. and when they're single, they want a woman.

 

You have every right to end a relationship you don't want to be in. But take it from my experience.. the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. You've already invested over a year in her. You have something going good.

 

But picture this dude.. you break things off, and you go and date someone else you're interested in.. and things don't work out the way you expect them to. You're gonna miss your ex REALLY bad. And by that time, she'll be dating someone else, cause women can find another man faster than you think. And if she's fallen for him, you're finished, cause you would have broken her heart, AND trust.

 

Think looong and hard about this man. Cause how you feel now, can and will rapidly change, once you find out your woman is feeling another man.

 

And that feeling SUCKS

That is what I was trying to say in a much more complicated way. Great advice and much better stated than mine.

[vivrantflo]

That is what I was trying to say in a much more complicated way. Great advice and much better stated than mine.

 

 

Both ways.. we're saying the same thing. So I hope the OP notices that, and thinks long and hard about this.

 

Cause once he breaks her heart and trust, the dynamic will be changed forever... and thats not worth a nice pair of DD's walking down the road.

[dead-dyke]

He won't. But he WILL remember you said this. And wished it were heeded.

[sibernox]

I'm comforted by the fact that a couple of people have said that losing the "butterflies" is normal.

 

Despite what my brain was telling me, I decided to bring up the break to her. She didn't agree, was extremely sad but understood. I went on a date yesterday with another girl and it made me appreciate my 'girlfriend' so much more. And she called me yesterday, and I had to tell her. She was obviously really pissed, but we talked about it and things are better now. It's obviously gona take a couple of days for everything to smooth over a bit more and for her to hopefully forgive my idiotic move. I've never known more that I wana be with her. I guess it was a good thing to take break? I don't know. But I really appreciate all the replies.

[stoshie]

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now. I love her, but I don't think I"m IN love with her. Anyways, I've been thinking about this for a while now. Do you guys think it's wrong for us to take a break for a week or so? The reason I want us to potentially take a break is because there is this other girl I wana go out with, but I also would never do that if I'm still officially with my girlfriend. I would never cheat on her, that would kill her and me. I don't know what to do. I don't wana lose her, but at the same time, I wana experience the single life so bad sometimes.

 

 

it is selfish to keep her on the back burner while you go see what's out there..especially if you have someone else in mind..nothing good will come from it and by doing this by keeping her on the sidelines you'll only give her hope that maybe you'll come back you say you would never cheat on her but holding someone back for your personal needs is just as bad. when your in a relationship your supposed to give your self to that person its all about commitment its not as easy as deciding one day that you want to explore and expect not to lose the other person some what if you have doubts i would recommend really looking into what your girlfriend means to you.

and if you still have all the same negative feelings i would suggest ending it for your girlfriends well being.

[vivrantflo]

It's obviously gona take a couple of days for everything to smooth over a bit more and for her to hopefully forgive my idiotic move. I've never known more that I wana be with her.

 

 

Well, like a stated earlier.. you have now changed the dynamic of the relationship. She is shooken up and rightfully so.

 

You think it's going to "smooth over" in a few days?? She'll drop the subject of you leaving.. yes.. but what you did will stay very firm in her mind, and she's not going to be able to trust you fully as she has over this past year. And she will feel like this for a long time..

 

Just keep in mind.. men tend to hit on women a lot more frequently than women hitting on men. With that being said, your woman im sure has been hit on, and she turned down all those men out of faithfulness to you.. even ones im sure she found attractive...

 

Because you pulled that, dont be surprized if her respect lowers for you, and maybe asks you for a break, to explore another man that she may have interest in.

 

Good luck

[LikeCharlotte]

You can't take it back now. Maybe it will all be okay but you really did but a mark on something very valuable. Her security is now gone and it will take more than a few days to get it back. I hope you never forget this lesson. It it something best learned once.

[paladin1]

Yup, you made a "mistake", but one that I think you HAD to make. Without this "proof" that the grass is NOT greener, I think you would have wondered yourself into a permanent break or an affair.

 

Now, from what you have said, you realize that this person is someone you connect to and want to be with. What you have to do now, more than ever before, is prove it to her. Understand, you shattered her confidence in you and your relationship. Now it is YOUR responsibility to build it back up. Show her, every day, your rededication to her.

 

I don't just mean flowers, massages, dinners... I mean emotionally. Show her you want to be with her; that she is the most important woman in your life; and that you regret what happened between you.

 

Like other posters said; the comments may subside after a few days (unlikely, but maybe) but the fact that you ripped the proverbial emotional carpet out from under her will take MUCH longer to work through. You must now work to regain her trust and basically reforge your relationship. It will be different after this, and hopefully better. Good luck, my hopes are with ya!!!

[sibernox]

I know it's unfair to her. It scares me that she might ask for a break, but I do feel like it was a mistake I had to make. I wana see her so bad now though, I can barely wait. I know I have to work on regaining her trust.

 

It definietly was a lesson. One I believe I learned the hard way.

[justine4]

You should read John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Seriously, you should!

 

I only read it recently following problems in my own relationship and although I'm not usually into selfhelp books (I know some are probably good but theres a lot of mumbojumbo around too) this book really gave me insight into a mans point of view and the cycle of feelings.

 

He goes into the situation you're in at the moment. He explains men 'go into caves' (I know, it sounds a bit far out, but believe me, he really makes sense when you read the whole book). I think you must be in your cave at the minute!! Just get out of it long enough to read this book and it may enlighten you as to how you're feeling at the moment.

 

I wouldn't say give up on things right now. Sure, if you didn't see yourself with her in the future, then yes, whats the point in beating a dead dog? But, as you say, you do see her being with you long term therefore its worth sticking in there.

 

Many people give up in relationships when the 'honeymoon' stage is over. However, feelings can come in waves. If you know you have the love there its a great base, and as for the feeling of being in love, why not add a bit of excitement into your relationship and see how things go?