curious jane Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 K so this is very compliacted and i don't want to write a whole novel on it. Short of it - husband is american i am canadian we met - moved in and married all very fast. He is not legal here.... and has no $ and is bad with it i have been supporting him for 1.5 years... you can imagine the power struggles we have. One day i was looking over his shoulder and I noticed he had some dating sites in his inbox, i questioned him and he told me someone must have signed up him up to them... it seemed a bit weird to me and made me uncomfortable.. this was right before we married.. he had given me a password for a joint account and i tested it on his gmail... and it worked... he had set up 2 profiles for 2 different places 1. in the city he lives in with me.. and another profile in a another place he has been staying at trying to get work. This tore me apart.. but i did not want to let him know what i did... i made me curious and i broke into all his accounts.. i did not know if i could trust him.. it just got messy... in the dating accounts it looked like he never acted upon anything i just so some random crotch shots that were sent to him.. but my question is, would this worry you if oyur signifcant other was signing up to dating sites? I came clean to him and told him i had broken into his accounts... now he is all mad at me and says he never acted on them. it was just him looking at porn in another way.... how he is so violated and can't turst me... well we decided we needed space... so he has been staying with his woman friend on and off and she takes care of him now and pays for him.... gack that is a whole other story.... she is trying to get him work... i know i was wrong for what i did.. but i am just curious how other people would feel if they found out their other was joining dating sites... NOw he is making me feel bad.. it is really ****ty
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Hum.. your husband is either cheating or trying to... period... If someone has no desire to cheat, he/she wouldn't be on those sites... if he wanted to view porn.. that IS NOT porn.. there are zillion of porn sites.. and he knows that very well.. I'm appalled at how naive you are.. how he can make you believe those lies.. incredible.. Now he's out of the house.. he's free to meet all the women he wants.. and, on top of that, he's living on someone else's kindness.. or maybe there is more.. Anyway.. I would not take him back.. he is taking advantage of you.. plain and simple.. and you allow him to.
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 he's not legal - report him - get your M annulled - end of story
Author curious jane Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 well i guess now.. this woman friend of his who has been taking care of him has been able to get him a work permit.. so he says... he will be working over a 3 hour flight away from me... we are also in the process of getting his citizenship... but i paid my half and now it is in his ball court... yeah it is all very chaotic
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 well i guess now.. this woman friend of his who has been taking care of him has been able to get him a work permit.. so he says... he will be working over a 3 hour flight away from me... we are also in the process of getting his citizenship... but i paid my half and now it is in his ball court... yeah it is all very chaotic Ummm, he's not legal but you're working on his citizenship? either you have your terminology confused or there's something amiss here. Is he a permanent Canadian resident ? Either way - wake up and smell the coffee, he has found a woman who is willing to get him a work permit and "look after" him ? Ditch him now
Author curious jane Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 It is trickey... he is able to stay in canada for 6 months at a time.. then we take him back over the border for 24 hours and he can be here for another 6months.. so he is legal here its complicated we have a lawyer and such... This friend of his he has known since he was a kid.. in all fairness i told him he had to find a job whatever it took... and since he does not want to go back to the states i think he tried this avenue.. and i would like to think that he is just doing what he has to, to make it right with us... But i would be lying if i did not say him staying with a woman who just got divorced herself and is paying for his rent,food, and whatever else does not concern me on some level... i really want to think he is just doing what he can.. but yeah it bugs me... I guess if he really was a total scum he would have already left me because he has this "job" and "new woman" so i like to think that it is somewhat legit
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 But i would be lying if i did not say him staying with a woman who just got divorced herself and is paying for his rent,food, and whatever else does not concern me on some level... i really want to think he is just doing what he can.. but yeah it bugs me... "concern" doesn't even come close to what I would be feeling about the situation.......
porter218 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Just because he is still with you says nothing about whether he is scum or not. He is still with you because you haven't wised up and left him yet. There is no excuse for him to be on dating sites if he was exclusive with you. Don't let him make you feel bad, he is only trying to shift the blame. He was undoubtedly trying to cheat, and probably did.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 You know, if he was looking for women on Craig's List, he could use the excuse that he was looking for a used recliner or a Nintendo Wii. But the only thing one finds on dating sites is women...to date. Between the crotch shots and his new female friend and "keeper", I don't think you're doing your fellow countrymen any favors by smuggling him into Canada... Mr. Lucky
Lookingforward Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 You know, if he was looking for women on Craig's List, he could use the excuse that he was looking for a used recliner or a Nintendo Wii. But the only thing one finds on dating sites is women...to date. Between the crotch shots and his new female friend and "keeper", I don't think you're doing your fellow countrymen any favors by smuggling him into Canada... Mr. Lucky add dumb to the list ..........
Jersey Shortie Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 i know i was wrong for what i did.. but i am just curious how other people would feel if they found out their other was joining dating sites... NOw he is making me feel bad.. it is really ****ty Danger Danger Will Robinson! Okay lets see here: Dude is on dating sites Dude doesn't help with the money Dude has a female "friend" helping him Dude is trying to make *you* feel bad for his actions Sweetie, Dude just isn't right. To answer your question though, no I would not be cool with him being on a dating website. If two people love each other and our in a relationship, what would be the point of being on a dating website? There is no other point then to meet other people and "date". That is really far out of the boundries for most relationships I would say.
Author curious jane Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 well now i have not seen the husband in about a month... looks like he got work out there and money coming in. I got upset the other day as i saw he used our joint account.. which i am the main signer for sine he is american.. there is $100 in credit in there to be used for emergencys... it use to be $300 but he kept using it.. So i saw he bought a gift and flowers.. it was his friends b-day this made me so angry i was calm when i asked him, and i said you never buy me flowers.. he said "well i never have money to" bah but there was no $ in the account right now either!! i guess he figures $ will come next month so it is fine... but i overacted started asking him why he is soo cold towards me. He said he is really hurt from me going through all his email from the past few months he is violated and can't trust me anymore and i took the dating sites way out of context blew it up to be something way more then it is. He then emailed me and told me he does not want any contact with me until he decides to come home .. because he has to heal from this .. yeah... well he also said because of this we need counselling... i told him this a while ago.... I understand everyone reacts different to when their trust has been violated.. me i am perhaps to fogiving.. him he needs to shun people .. its ***ing weird. but maybe it is better we are not talking... At this point we will see when he comes home what counselling does.. its the last resort.. k thanks for letting me rant.. i will keep ya posted
Lookingforward Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 well now i have not seen the husband in about a month... looks like he got work out there and money coming in. I got upset the other day as i saw he used our joint account.. which i am the main signer for sine he is american.. there is $100 in credit in there to be used for emergencys... it use to be $300 but he kept using it.. So i saw he bought a gift and flowers.. it was his friends b-day this made me so angry i was calm when i asked him, and i said you never buy me flowers.. he said "well i never have money to" bah but there was no $ in the account right now either!! i guess he figures $ will come next month so it is fine... but i overacted started asking him why he is soo cold towards me. He said he is really hurt from me going through all his email from the past few months he is violated and can't trust me anymore and i took the dating sites way out of context blew it up to be something way more then it is. He then emailed me and told me he does not want any contact with me until he decides to come home .. because he has to heal from this .. yeah... well he also said because of this we need counselling... i told him this a while ago.... I understand everyone reacts different to when their trust has been violated.. me i am perhaps to fogiving.. him he needs to shun people .. its ***ing weird. but maybe it is better we are not talking... At this point we will see when he comes home what counselling does.. its the last resort.. k thanks for letting me rant.. i will keep ya posted keep it short and sweet - tell him to drop dead
Meaplus3 Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 K so this is very compliacted and i don't want to write a whole novel on it. Short of it - husband is american i am canadian we met - moved in and married all very fast. He is not legal here.... and has no $ and is bad with it i have been supporting him for 1.5 years... you can imagine the power struggles we have. One day i was looking over his shoulder and I noticed he had some dating sites in his inbox, i questioned him and he told me someone must have signed up him up to them... it seemed a bit weird to me and made me uncomfortable.. this was right before we married.. he had given me a password for a joint account and i tested it on his gmail... and it worked... he had set up 2 profiles for 2 different places 1. in the city he lives in with me.. and another profile in a another place he has been staying at trying to get work. This tore me apart.. but i did not want to let him know what i did... i made me curious and i broke into all his accounts.. i did not know if i could trust him.. it just got messy... in the dating accounts it looked like he never acted upon anything i just so some random crotch shots that were sent to him.. but my question is, would this worry you if oyur signifcant other was signing up to dating sites? I came clean to him and told him i had broken into his accounts... now he is all mad at me and says he never acted on them. it was just him looking at porn in another way.... how he is so violated and can't turst me... well we decided we needed space... so he has been staying with his woman friend on and off and she takes care of him now and pays for him.... gack that is a whole other story.... she is trying to get him work... i know i was wrong for what i did.. but i am just curious how other people would feel if they found out their other was joining dating sites... NOw he is making me feel bad.. it is really ****ty If found that out I would not be at all pleased and I would be very worried and mad. Dating sites are for "Dating" and if your SO is surfing them.. then IMO something is not right in your R. Now if he was simply surfing e-bay..I would not have a problem with that. AP:)
Lookingforward Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 oh, and he's buying his "friend" gifts and flowers... with YOUR money.........?? does someone have to hit you in the head with a skillet ? get rid of this loser/user now.
toughchoices Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 From what I have read on this site it seems his actions are pretty classic for a cheater. He is having an EA or PA and he is trying to shift all blame to you and make you feel guilty. Is there a possibility he was just using you for access to Canada? Has he found a new and better "sugar mamma"? I don't want to be too harsh but you need to take a stand or you will end up getting hurt. He has already walked away from the relationship IMHO and won't feel a thing. He feels violated by your checking the accounts...WTF...you should feel totally violated by him being on those sites in the first place. I wish you all the best.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Holy crap. This guy is a real piece of work. Let me ask you a question...what would you consider "leaving you?" You said he hasn't left you yet even though he got a job 3 hours away from you by plane and has been living with a female "friend." Um...hello? Even though there is still a piece of paper binding you two, it sure as hell sounds to me like he has left you. I believe they call it abandonment. I am also shocked as much as others at how naive you are being. It's incredible. He knows how to work you like no other. If he doesn't "leave you" (whatever in the hell your definition of that means), I would be leaving him if I were you!
Author curious jane Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 I just need to vent... this is sooo hard i am not allowed to talk to my husband until he wants too... he is going to be gone for another month and i cannot talk to him and i dont know when he will talk to me... it feels like i have done something really bad,, i had a break down last night... i am lucky i have such good friends.. its like if i was hurt would he then want to talk to me? i am trying to just stay focused with what i have... but this is all starting to feel really uncomfortable for me.. like he likes doing this.. he wants me to hurt... or maybe he just wants total space to clear his head and i am overreacting and i should just be patient.. i am totaly at his mercy.. i feel very ill and cant get a hold of my emotions..
Author curious jane Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 do i deserve this kind of treatment?
Meaplus3 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I just need to vent... this is sooo hard i am not allowed to talk to my husband until he wants too... he is going to be gone for another month and i cannot talk to him and i dont know when he will talk to me... it feels like i have done something really bad,, i had a break down last night... i am lucky i have such good friends.. its like if i was hurt would he then want to talk to me? i am trying to just stay focused with what i have... but this is all starting to feel really uncomfortable for me.. like he likes doing this.. he wants me to hurt... or maybe he just wants total space to clear his head and i am overreacting and i should just be patient.. i am totaly at his mercy.. i feel very ill and cant get a hold of my emotions.. I'm not understanding why your not aloud to talk with your H? Could you elaborate more? AP:)
Author curious jane Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 Becasue i looked into his email accounts... and i told him this a month ago.. the other day i was trying to talk to him about it again how he is feeling.. and the issue came up as how long i was doing it for and i told him. so now he claims he feels hurt all over again and needs his space...
Meaplus3 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Becasue i looked into his email accounts... and i told him this a month ago.. the other day i was trying to talk to him about it again how he is feeling.. and the issue came up as how long i was doing it for and i told him. so now he claims he feels hurt all over again and needs his space... Thanks for explaning. I would surmise that he now feels like you viloated his trust by looking through his personal email. He probably does need some space to absorb this. I would honor that space, however I would not let him skirt the issues for to long. In order for your marriage to mend the issues need to be delt with. Good luck. AP:)
jmargel Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 lol.. oh man.. I have to give it to him. He's pretty good. An international player. He has two women from two different countries paying his bills, food, etc.. He calls all the shots even down to when they can contact him (including his wife). To the OP. Do you not see all the RED FLAGS? He is using you for fiancial reasons. Good chance he's married in the states as well. He probably has quite a few women lined up. He also has to keep fresh ones coming in, that's why he's on those sites. Invading his privacy? Listen. As a guy, I would never get that upset over something like that. He is using that as an excuse to continue to use you. You married this guy before you even knew what type of person he is. Good chance he was the one that pushed this. This other friend of his. Have you met her? Good chance not. It's because this is his other girlfriend. You need to get a lawyer, get all the accounts in your name and get this marriage annulled. If you don't you are just going to lose your life savings and be dragged through the mud for a long time.
Lookingforward Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 lol.. oh man.. I have to give it to him. He's pretty good. An international player. He has two women from two different countries paying his bills, food, etc.. He calls all the shots even down to when they can contact him (including his wife). To the OP. Do you not see all the RED FLAGS? He is using you for fiancial reasons. Good chance he's married in the states as well. He probably has quite a few women lined up. He also has to keep fresh ones coming in, that's why he's on those sites. Invading his privacy? Listen. As a guy, I would never get that upset over something like that. He is using that as an excuse to continue to use you. You married this guy before you even knew what type of person he is. Good chance he was the one that pushed this. This other friend of his. Have you met her? Good chance not. It's because this is his other girlfriend. You need to get a lawyer, get all the accounts in your name and get this marriage annulled. If you don't you are just going to lose your life savings and be dragged through the mud for a long time. I believe the W and the "friend" are both in Canada. OP doesn't seem to be listening jmargel, but the rest of what you say is spot on.
Author curious jane Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 No his friend is from the states as well and she had origanally married a canadian man and she managed to get a work permit here in canada... she soon divorced her man. I have met her... she seems like a nice woman.. but still they share a hotel room and will be for the next month... it makes me uneasy..
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