lexi29 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I have a bad habit of getting hurt/scared and wanting to call things off when something upsets me in a relationship. I have done this to my fiance about 3 times in the last 3 months. I did this in previous relationships more times than I can count. When my fiance says something that upsets me or gets angry about me asking questions (related to trust issues) twice now I've taken off my ring and told him I'm done. Both times I was very hurt by either what he said to me or by his actions. I can not remember the exact incidents but a third one was when his son announced to everyone in front of another woman that his dad likes her and we got into an argument over that. THe other two incidents were when my fiance said something hurtful (once was he said I don't do anything unless I get some benefit out of it and that couldnt' be further from the truth as I have done a TON of stuff for both him and his son that was totally unselfish on my part and I got NOTHING out of it. It was all for them.) Now I have never had anyone hit me or even attempt to but I was verbally abused (I believe) as a child and teenager and so when someone hurts me with words I either get very angry or I want to run away. With an ex of mine that I lived with , I would pack my bags and tell him I wanted to call the whole thing off and I was done with him. I tell him about my plans to move out etc. But the whole time I'd just want him to comfort me and tell me not to go.Once I made him cry because I told him how I never wanted to see him again. I never did leave (well I did eventually break up with him but nothing related to that) Its almost like I am testing my SO unconciously because part of me wants him to stop me and tell me he cant' live without me and to make the hurt go away. But the other part of me actually does want to run away. I don't do it to be manipulative or anything- its what I actually FEEL at that moment (that I am trapped and there is no way out and I want to hurt the other person or I need to escape because they are hurting ME.) This isn't just with my current fiance, its the past 3 relationships I've been in (all serious relationships). It doesn't happen out of the blue- only when the person I love hurts me with their words or actions. And I usually end up being the one to appologize (for being so dramatic) and the next day I feel bad about threatening to end it. Now with my current fiance this happened maybe twice in the three years before we got engaged and 3 times in the last 3 months (I think I'm afraid of being abandoned so I strike first) I'm not sure how to fix this- I try to catch myself doing this and stop but at the time my emotions are so high I just have this flight response. Why do I do this and how can I make my fiance understand how to handle this behavior or how to stop it?
dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 While I don't have the answers your looking for, I can tell you I completely understand. I do much of the same thing, and did all those things as well with my ex fiance. One thing I'm working on though, is instead of trying to get the guy I'm seeing to handle it, is working on myself to stop it.
Author lexi29 Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 I want to stop doing this. I keep telling myself I won't over react (and threaten to leave) but in the heat of the moment I do it again! I've told my fiance not to take it personally and told him about how I've done this to others in the past. I don't do this when I'm angry- when I"m mad I just get really quiet and eventually want to talk about the problem. But when I'm hurt I just want to run away. how do you get yourself to stop doing this?
dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I want to stop doing this. I keep telling myself I won't over react (and threaten to leave) but in the heat of the moment I do it again! I've told my fiance not to take it personally and told him about how I've done this to others in the past. I don't do this when I'm angry- when I"m mad I just get really quiet and eventually want to talk about the problem. But when I'm hurt I just want to run away. how do you get yourself to stop doing this? Well I lost a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with because of this, and while I can't (obviously from my other post) eliminate, I've managed to lessen it a lot by remembered what I've lost because of it. I've also come to learn that when I want to push away or run, I try to stop and think of reasons why I shouldn't (ex he's not the one who hurt me in the past, so I shouldn't punish him for it). I try to find a reason to smile. I've gotten both physical and verbal abuse, and sometimes it's hard to take some verbal comments, but I try to remind myself constantly that just because in the past it was meant to hurt, it's not how it is now. I hope some of this helps!
timmay Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 well there is not exact answer i can tell you that you have at least made the first step in that you know what your problem is and you can admit that. many people have a hard time with that. The next thing you need to do is when you find yourself getting upset and want to throw in the towel, take a step back from the situation and think about what is going on. Try to see it not only from your perspecitive but also his. Also if your problems are that serious maybe try getting professional help
dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Reading Timmay's post, I at one point had been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I had been put on a med for it for about a year. It started off as one a day, to a half as needed, and eventually went down to nothing.
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I want to stop doing this. I keep telling myself I won't over react (and threaten to leave) but in the heat of the moment I do it again! I've told my fiance not to take it personally and told him about how I've done this to others in the past. I don't do this when I'm angry- when I"m mad I just get really quiet and eventually want to talk about the problem. But when I'm hurt I just want to run away. how do you get yourself to stop doing this? Then get some counselling to help you to stop. You keep doing the same thing over and over again with your fiance and you've done it in the past in other relationships. These are your issues and you need to learn how to change your behaviour, your reactions and learn how to trust. Calling off your wedding 3 times and taking your ring off, saying it's over isn't the way to handle it because one day your fiance WILL say fine, go then. IT IS over and I don't want to marry you. I've read some of your other posts, so I believe counselling will help you solve some of those other problems going on, as well as this one too.
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