lexi29 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I just can't figure out how to stop losing friends. Its not as though I'm pushing them away. More like I can't keep up with them and get replaced with others who are more like them. It seems that every time a close friend of mine gets married (and I'm not) she sort of phases me out. The first time this happened it was with my best friend. We had been friends since elementary school and we were roommates in college. We started to grow apart a little in college when she became best buddies with a girl I tolerated (and was friendly to) but didn't really like (she was into drugs and didn't consider giving a random bartender a bj cheating on her boyfriend of two years). However we made it through college and both moved away but kept in touch. Whenever I was in town I would visit her and we still kept in touch by phone and email for the next few years. She got married to her high school sweetheart and I was a bridesmaid (as well as the girl she became good friends with in college.) Her husband joined the military and they moved around a lot but whenever she was in town (I had moved back by this time) we'd see eachother and we talked about once a month. It started out slowly but about a year after she was married we were supposed to get together after christmas becasue she was in town and she blew me off, no phone call or anything. The next time we talked she told me she was just too busy. The last time I saw her was about 3 years ago. We used to email eachother and the last time I heard from her was when she found out she was pregnant (her daughter is about 2 years old now). I sent her and her husband a card and haven't heard from her since. I don't have her phone number and honestly don't even know where they are living now and I have tried emailing her (know the email still works because sometimes I still get forwards from her) and she just won't respond. The 2nd friend wasn't a best one, but she and I were friends since high school. I was always her shoulder to cry on and we'd talk several times a week and have a girls night out once a week for about 2 years. She'd go on vacation with me and a group of our friends. About 2 years ago my best friend set her up on a date with a guy she wasn't crazy about. SHe wanted another man at the time. Well she ended up giving the first guy another chance and they got married last summer. We'd last gone on vacation about two years ago. So she got married about a year after wed last gone on vacation together. She didn't even ask me to be in her wedding. All of our friends were shocked. She asked MY best friend (who she knew casually but who introduced her to her future husband) to be her maid of honor. I was hurt but didnt' say anything to her excpt to ask her why she didnt' ask me to be in her wedding and her answer was that since I wasn't married or planning a wedding I didn't know what she was going through as I wasn't in the same place in life as she was!!! I admit I blew off her wedding shower (even though I sent a gift) and I didnt' make it to her wedding (legitimate reason that occurred at last minute as my father was in the hospital). I called and let her know and appologized. Sent my wedding gift with a friend. Her wedding was in August and I have not heard from her since. I tried to call her once and she never called back. I've emailed her also. She did send me a halloween card which suprised me (but I think she just wanted to see her new married name in print) because she's never sent out halloween cards before. I sent her a christmas card and she sent one in return. She talks to MY best friend about twice a week- I guess she is her new best friend as well now) Through my best friend I found out this ex-friend may be moving to another state for her husband's job. I used to live in this state and passed it on that I'd love to talk to her if she needs any info on what areas are nice etc. She hasn't responded. She doesn't seem mad at me, just detached and doesn't want to be friends as she is married now and doesnt' seem to want to associate with those who aren't. And again this has happened to me- about 4 years ago I became good friends with one of my coworkers. We'd hang out, go shopping etc. We'd always talk at work and on the phone etc. She was going through a rough time with her boyfriend and I helped her through it. She confided in me for about two years. She then met a guy (after she left the first one) who was also friends with my SO. We went on a few double dates. She desperately wanted to get married (he'd just gone through a divorce about a year earlier but she bought her bridesmaid dresses before he even proposed!) He did propose about a year later and when she got married we werent' as close as before (she now worked at a different location but we still emailed and talked a few times a month) She did not invite me to her wedding. THe excuse was she could only invite so many people and she felt that we were at different stages in life (I wasnt' even engaged) and she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I have talked to her since but only briefly. Now my best friend is married and has a child and she's NEVER blown me off since she got married (but she was scared I was going to pull away from HER since she had her son and couldnt' go out and do many things) So I know this doesn't happen in every friendship I have but it seems like no matter how long I've known someone they blow me off once they get married like its some secret club I can't be a part of. HOw do I stop this from happening?
Gordon's Right Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 It sounds like you are picking selfish, shallow people as friends. Girl, have some more respect for yourself! They say, friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Besides that, widen your friend net.
badmus Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 You should try and read the book by Dale Carnegie called "how to win friends and inflence people" you can get from Amazon I have not even finished it yet and I love it
Author lexi29 Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 It sounds like you are picking selfish, shallow people as friends. Girl, have some more respect for yourself! They say, friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Besides that, widen your friend net. I've wondered if its ME too (how I am picking friends) but I don't see any kind of pattern because with the ex best friend- I'd known her since first grade. We were in classes together, rode the bus together, were in a local club together, rode horses together competitively. So we were friends because we shared a lot of the same interests. We even went to the same college and were roommates. She is not and never was a selfish person. She was a good hearted wonderful woman when we were friends. It just seemed like once she was married and had a child that suddenly I wasn't "good enough" to keep in touch with. The 2nd girl- yes I agree she is selfish and shallow- a spoiled only child. But we still had fun together and I'm a good listener so she was always coming to me with problems, for comfort etc. We always enjoyed a lot of the same social activities and we went way back. It just hurt that she cut me out of her wedding party because once again I'm not "good enough" because I'm not married. The coworker I became close friends with- again we shared a lot of the same social interests and at the time we met we were at the same place in life. (at the bottom rung of the company, had boyfriends we were wanting to propse to us etc.) Also I was the youngest person where I work for 2 years before she came along. The person closest to me in age was 17 years older than me! So when she was hired I was so excited when we hit it off. And incidently my now best friend (who I've be friends with since I was 14) is married with a child and she doesnt' blow me off or treat me like the other did. But the funny thing is she used to be one of the most self absorbed people I'd met. I met her at a camp I attended with my ex best friend. This girl (now best friend) was really quiet and for some reason she latched onto me. I was so annoyed by her at the time. She would hardly talk to anyone but me during this week I met her. She was very annoying to me and I just wanted her to leave me alone. One night all the girls in my cabin gathered after a dance we'd had and some had been rejected by the boys at that dance and we were all talking about how we felt ugly (teenage low self esteem) and how we hated our hair or our weight etc and this girl (my now best friend) piped up that she liked everything about herself and that she was always told she looked like Cleopatra. None of the other girls appreciated this and so no one really liked her. But now obviously after she's grown up she is a very wonderful selfless caring person.
Template Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 The unforunate truth is that people change as we grow up. We get busier, and our focus and priorities change. We evolve. With all these friendships, there was something similar that made you bond, and became friends. As we go on in life, our traits change, and are drawn to other people with similar interests. For instance, your first friend. You both were single and lived the single life. She got married. The things you did while single don't mean as much as taking care a child, or looking for a good school, or finding a good family doctor. Maybe in order to do that, she had to find people in which she could learn their experiences from. Her focus isn't paryting or hanging out anymore, it's just different. I don't think it's your fault at all, no one really. They are all still your friends. It's just that y'all don't have the common interest that binds you as you once did.
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