Why not tell the wife?

[OWoman]

So you are happily living together now and are no longer the ow?

Are you feeling resentment that he is paying her monthly?

 

We are not yet living together as there are arrangements from both sides that need to be sorted - which we're doing. But more importantly, I felt that it was important that there be a gap between leaving her and us living together.

 

And he's not paying her monthly. It's been a "clean break" split. In fact, she ought to pay him monthly since he is the prime custodial parent, but he's not demanded that of her. Whether the judge will honour his generosity, or order her to pay, in the final D settlement remains to be seen. It's not something I have issues with either way. He's free to do as he likes with his money, as I'm free to do with as I like with mine.

[Mino]

You're twisting the definition of self-preservation of an unsuspecting wife into selfishness when you trivialize her financial input into the marriage as well as her interest in maintaining her health. Remember, the assets of a marriage are built over time through steady investment and require sacrifice on the part of both parties to achieve and maintain them. Since most young men show a tendancy toward being irresponsible with money, in many cases, its the wife who pulls the reins on spending in order for them to build assets for the future.

 

Since selfishness goes hand in hand with greed I can't help but wonder how much incentive those marital assets and his earning power may have on an OW's desire and designs for the MM. If the union of the MM and OW were based strictly on the love they espoused for each other and the OW was willing to take him penniless and destitute while financially supporting him for the remainder of his days then more power to the new union. But that's not the real world though is it. If we're being being truthful you, the OW, want him to divorce his wife and take her for everthing she's got! Since you feel that the best way for you to play the W is by keeping her in the dark while you build and develop your affair with her husband then why should you be expected to be noble and fair in her treatment during the divorce?

 

The way the law used to read across all 50 states stipulated that adultery was a criminally punishable offence and that the courts were allowed to typically award the BS with the majority of the assets of the estate along with a hefty chunk of his future income awarded for child and spousal support. Thanks to the Women's Liberation Movement the laws have become more liberal and accepting of deviant behavior which has improved the OW's advantage at gaining a windfall of those assets and a minimization of MM's obligations to support his wife and children after the marriage is concluded.

 

So, beyond the desire for a soulmate, the OW is also calculating her MM's earning potential, his maturity (trained by his wife) with finances in building assets, and his willingness to part with those assets in support of a new life together.

 

On a second note, what about the exposure the OW subjects the W to regarding venereal diseases? Certain STD's can take years off the life of an individual so, if the OW has been exposed to STDs, including HPVs in the past, wouldn't common human decency compel an OW to let the W know she's sexually active with her husband to ensure she doesn't become the inadvertent victim of disease?

Why do you assume that OW is after the mm money? I for one have supported my self for 27 years. Don't need a man to do that for me. 200k is plenty for me. Alimoney and child support, i am all about it. I do think mm should pay for child. Alimony, sure for a time period, until she gets on her feet. When children are not in school, she should be able to satay home till they go to school, so whats that? Six years. If children are in school, say 5 years of support. Enought time for her to do what she needs to do, education if needed to find a job, ajustment period... But forever, thats just plain wrong. Why should she never have to work in her life? Because she was once married? Was that a life insurance of never having to support oneself? Again, I do think she should get alimony for the ajustment period. Now to the disease part... Do you think that all OW have stds? Are we different in that department then the BW? I only sleep with mm, and that for years.... BW has had I am sure other sexual Relationships before her Marriage.

[Mino]

IME, most BWs are spendthrift shopaholics who get their jollies from flexing their plastic since they're not getting it in the bedroom. So of course they want to screw the WS financially - since it's the only screwing they know, and it's the screwing they (seem to) prefer.

 

 

 

Frankly, my MM's financial assets are the least of my interest in him. I find conspicuous consumption awkward and would sooner live in abject poverty - as I have done before - than loll about among the beautiful people knowing that there are others starving to maintain that kind of lifestyle.

 

And I'm not sure how you link the WLM to lack of child support - certainly in my country, the strengthening of the maintenance court system and the criminalising of "deadbeat dads" has been a direct result of the WLM.

 

 

 

Why should the OW be more of a STD risk than the W? Were all BWs virgins before they married, who had no sexual experience besides the MM ever, and all OWs consummate sluts? That's a bit of an assumption there, I reckon....

Thank you Owoman for pointing this out:love:

[Mino]

In all seriousness, here in the good old USA, you'll find that most middle income families require the incomes from both spouses just to make ends meet on the basics while still socking something away for a rainy day. Both spouses often work their fingers to the bone to achieve what they have and it is often the case that the wife makes the majority sacrifices to her career aspirations to follow her husband's or she makes the sacrifice of working two jobs to put him through school to improve the family's earning potential.

 

It's also often the case, however, that she's traded in for a younger prettier woman once he's risen in his career and now making substantially more money than she is because of her sacrifice to work instead of pursuing an advanced degree. In the end, her financial investment on future returns of the marriage she poured her heart and soul into has been stripped leaving her severely financially weakened and bitter in the process.

 

You've got to stop watching those "Hollywood" style shows portraying everyone's life in the USA as a land of milk and honey!

Thats not true for everybody!! Mine mm had a degree BEFORE He married, She stays home and flexes the credit cards... I dont think there was much sacrifice on her end, and secondly she has enjoyed a very "nice life syle on her H hard work. I had a client who had a 18 year old daughter, and i asked them where their daughter will be going for college, They said oh no she is not going to school... She will be married. She will be a wife, Hmmm, So one day, if husband decides to cheat, she will be the type that will suffer greatly, Who"s fault is that? The husbands? The parents of the daughter? who's? Some parents stiil teach there girls that all they need to be is a good wife.. How crazy is that in todays world? Oh by the way, I am older then the W.... So your wrong on the younger part too:lmao:

[NewSunrise]

I'd agree, but most BS's won't/can't act without PROOF.

 

Even confronted head on with proof, a WS will LIE about the affair. They'll deny, minimize, avoid, etc... pretty much doing any kinds of mental and vocal gymnastics to avoid the confrontation and the responsibility of their actions.

 

Communication will FAIL at that point...no matter what the BS says, the WS will deny, deny, deny. Without proof, the BS is nearly always afraid to confront, with the fear of that very small chance of "what if I'm wrong". I know that I postponed confrontation for a LONG time for this very reason...until I finally was convinced that there was an affair, and I was forced to gather that proof.

 

If they can't gather that proof, they're going to remain stuck until SOMEONE gives it to them.

Bingo!

 

Overrode communication failure and XWS lying dance with a $30 tape recorder and computer technology. AND even with proofs, BS still tried desperately dance around it. All MC came to a halt and I let him go. Actually, I have to say, this was THE best revenge. Give him to the OW. Why fight over a guy who has no problems lying to you, not to mention swearing on his mother's life just to cover his lies?

 

As a former BS, I wouldn't have cared WHO came forward to tell me. OW/MM, anonymous note. A honing pigeon could've dropped a note on my head for all I cared and that would've been the starting point . I'd want to know. Because the sooner I know, the sooner I can say hasta la vista, baby and minimize my exposure to whatever slime or bugs that might crawl between them during their A as well as the emotional and financial costs that usually amounts to whenever the D is final. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who is a slime ball. There are self-respecting men and women out there.

[mopar crazy]

Said about what, Mopar?

 

In our profession, argument and refutation is big, so debate is pretty much the way we function. It might look like pretty robust exchanges to the outside, but to us, it's engaging banter.

 

 

Most MM lie through their teeth, so did yours? Did you believe everything he said? Or did you think he was lying? Sorry OW, I don't know your whole story.

[OpenBook]

Whenever something "feels" off - take care of it. Don't let things fester - ever. Don't be complacent. Don't take each other for granted. A marriage is a contract that needs constant nourishment.

 

Silk, I think these words should be etched in gold. It made me feel better just to read them. Thanks for that.

[pelicanpreacher]

Thats not true for everybody!! Mine mm had a degree BEFORE He married, She stays home and flexes the credit cards... I dont think there was much sacrifice on her end, and secondly she has enjoyed a very "nice life syle on her H hard work. I had a client who had a 18 year old daughter, and i asked them where their daughter will be going for college, They said oh no she is not going to school... She will be married. She will be a wife, Hmmm, So one day, if husband decides to cheat, she will be the type that will suffer greatly, Who"s fault is that? The husbands? The parents of the daughter? who's? Some parents stiil teach there girls that all they need to be is a good wife.. How crazy is that in todays world? Oh by the way, I am older then the W.... So your wrong on the younger part too:lmao:

 

Its because you're BUYING HIS LOVE! Mark my words...as soon as the wrinkles set in MM is off again! Hold on tight to that magic mirror!

[Lookingforward]

Its because you're BUYING HIS LOVE! Mark my words...as soon as the wrinkles set in MM is off again! Hold on tight to that magic mirror!

 

Where on EARTH did you get THAT notion ?

[Mino]

Its because you're BUYING HIS LOVE! Mark my words...as soon as the wrinkles set in MM is off again! Hold on tight to that magic mirror!

Too funny, he makes just as much as me, and I have never given him a penny! LOL My point was I dont want/need his money, I have plenty of my own. I may be older then her, but i am still younger then MM. Oh by the way, when the time comes and all those wonderful wrinkles set in, which ahhmm they already have, , If I wanted a face lift, guess what, I CAN AFFORD IT!!!! with my own cash! LOL:lmao::lmao:

[Mino]

Its because you're BUYING HIS LOVE! Mark my words...as soon as the wrinkles set in MM is off again! Hold on tight to that magic mirror!

sweetie, i am no spring chicken anymore:lmao:

[pelicanpreacher]

Why do you assume that OW is after the mm money? I for one have supported my self for 27 years. Don't need a man to do that for me. 200k is plenty for me. Alimoney and child support, i am all about it. I do think mm should pay for child. Alimony, sure for a time period, until she gets on her feet. When children are not in school, she should be able to satay home till they go to school, so whats that? Six years. If children are in school, say 5 years of support. Enought time for her to do what she needs to do, education if needed to find a job, ajustment period... But forever, thats just plain wrong. Why should she never have to work in her life? Because she was once married? Was that a life insurance of never having to support oneself? Again, I do think she should get alimony for the ajustment period. Now to the disease part... Do you think that all OW have stds? Are we different in that department then the BW? I only sleep with mm, and that for years.... BW has had I am sure other sexual Relationships before her Marriage.

 

I'm no statistician and GOD knows I'm not any sort of expert on the matter of STD's but, I assumed the medical endorsements of abstinence or monogamy between two uninfected partners still represented the safest sex practice of all options available. I came across the following websites that seems to support my assertion that STD's are more prevalent amonst sexually active unmarried people versus those whose sexual activity is maintained within the confines of a monogamous traditional marriage. I've also included information that proves if you are unmarried and do not confine yourself to a monogamous lifestyle, even getting routinely screened for STDs is not a failsafe from infection. Even if the OW is fastidious in her sexual safety, there still lies an unseen twist to this dilemma!

 

http://www.avert.org/stdstatisticsworldwide.htm

http://www.lifescript.com/channels/healthy_living/womens_health/10_things_you_need_to_know_about_stds.asp?page=4&trans=1

http://www.thebody.com/content/prev/art28526.html

http://www.thebody.com/content/prev/art18110.html

http://www.thebody.com/content/prev/art11168.html

 

My contention is that science is just beginning to understand the long term affects of exposure to STDs with new information emerging all the time. My main concern is with the MM because if he'll step out on his wife with you, he's also capable of stepping out on his wife without you. I errered in making the assumption that the risk of STDs lies with the OW for, if she's been faithfully dealing with MM, and even if both W and OW are loyal to him, he still remains the "Wild Eyed Jack" in the deck!

[OWoman]

Most MM lie through their teeth, so did yours? Did you believe everything he said? Or did you think he was lying? Sorry OW, I don't know your whole story.

 

He never discussed his M with me, and I never asked. Everything I heard about it was from other sources - friends, colleagues, family - who recounted incidents they'd witnessed of the abuse, the domestic arrangements or his W's precarious mental health.

 

Nor did he ever lie directly to his W - since they led entirely separate lives, he never had to account for what he did or where he went or who he was with, and so he just never mentioned that there was someone else until we'd decided we wanted to be together. The kids knew beforehand - he's close to them - as did family, friends, colleagues (we were never a secret). Needless to say, when he told his W she didn't believe him.

 

Has he ever lied to me about anything? Certainly nothing I'm aware of. He may well have reconstructed stories about his distant childhood that no one else was around to verify, but they seem consistent with other things I've heard from others so I've had no reason to doubt that he did in fact go to school where he claims he did, or had friends that he claimed to have. On other matters there's been nothing to lie about - he's lived very transparently with me, and me with him.

 

Not sure if that answers your question?

[frannie]

My main concern is with the MM because if he'll step out on his wife with you, he's also capable of stepping out on his wife without you. I errered in making the assumption that the risk of STDs lies with the OW for, if she's been faithfully dealing with MM, and even if both W and OW are loyal to him, he still remains the "Wild Eyed Jack" in the deck!

 

Hmm, yes, I think that is where the main concern should be, with the cheating affair partner/husband (or wife), who is the only certain one with multiple sex partners.

 

Because, if you look at it like this, a single OW who herself has had one or few sexual partners is JUST as vulnerable to STDs from the MM who may or may not have cheated before, and does not know how many other MEN his W has cheated on him with. I mean, come on, anyone would think that wives were purer than pure. Half of the OW on here are also WIVES, remember.

 

OW need to wonder about STDs as much as any BS does.

[frannie]

After reading here for a while I have some ideas on why a OW doesn't tell the wife the truth. Please tell me if I'm wrong.

 

#1 - The OW is only in the affair for the sex and doesn't want the MM full time. Telling the wife might result in the MM being single and want more than the OW wants to give him.

 

#2 - The OW is afraid that if the wife knows the MM will try to fix the marriage and the OW will be out of the picture.

 

#3 - The OW feels that she doesn't owe the BW anything because the OW isn't married to the wife and therefor isn't responsible for anything that has to do with the wife.

 

#4 - The OW believes the MM when he tells her how awful the BW is and that if the BW found out she would steal the kids and all his money.

 

The way I see it, everyone deserves the truth. If the truth causes pain for anyone, why would anyone want to live that kind of lie?

 

I started a new thread because I didn't want to thread jack another thread with my thoughts about telling the wife the truth.

 

First of all, and I know the question has been posted from the point of view that many OW wonder about telling the W so that kindof negates this question, but I suppose I'm wondering how a BS can be said to 'deserve' the truth from an OW? The OW owes the W nothing whatever in that respect, and to be quite honest as Owl pointed out, when does all this 'owing' suddenly come in... there'd be no 'truth' to tell if the OW hadn't engaged in the affair in the first place. Sorry to appear so heartless or unfeeling, and it's not meant that way, but to talk of the W 'deserving the truth', well, maybe she does, but from her partner, surely. To what extent can she expect the OW to deliver that news?

 

But as I say, I realise that the question is being posed because the question of whether to tell the spouse does usually arise in affairs (not talking about serial-OW here who are in it for the sex or whatever), and has been posed again recently on this forum.

 

I would add to the list:

 

#5 the OW realises that there is nothing to be gained from telling, and quite a lot to be lost. Firstly the MM may deny what happened, and turn against the OW. And there may be further repercussions, violence, exposure of the affair, who knows what either from the MM or the BS or both acting in concert. If the OW owes 'nothing' to the W, then the BS certainly owes nothing to the OW, and that can become very clear. The wages of 'doing right' (after the event) to the W can be very high indeed.

 

Personally, I was sorely tempted to tell xMM's W about the affair after I'd broken it off. My reasons for wanting to tell were that IF it was out in the open he'd be forced to make a decision rather than just let it all run on and on and I'd be sitting here wondering whether he was ever going to leave even as I instituted permanent and lasting NC. I wanted it out in the open SO much it almost hurt.

 

The reasons I didn't tell her? Firstly, and as some kind souls on this forum pointed out, it wouldn't have been the end of it anyway. This kind of thing is neverending if you don't make your OWN closure. Walking away HAD to be enough for me, whatever choices he made (or didn't make) about his life. Had I told her, I'd have more than likely had more months of wondering what the result of THAT was going to be. Never ending.

 

Secondly, I didn't want to cause a deliberate huge mess in their lives. Yes, of course I know that sounds ridiculous given that I'd been in an affair with him for four years! But to my mind waiting on him to leave, quietly, without drama, was a whole different story to having the cat out of the bag, W distraught, children blaming him, and all for what? So the 'truth' could be out there and I might get the ending I wanted..? Wouldn't have worked anyway because what man is going to trust a woman who blatantly went against his feelings and hurt everyone in his life in order to shove her agenda forward? I wouldn't.

 

And then there was the person (I forget who, sorry, but I'll always remember their advice) who said that I would be ruining his one chance to get this right, and tell her he wanted out and actually get a divorce and do the right thing by everyone. Going in there and forcing the issue would have scuppered all that.

 

And lastly, I realised that if he couldn't do it on his own, without me forcing his hand and revealing all, then what was the point anyway? I don't need someone like that in my life. If he's going to stay there, he can stay there in peace. I can't imagine he'll cheat on her again anyway, because look what happened this time: he fell in love and found quite a lot of misery. I think a life of quiet desperation is preferable to an affair in many ways.

 

So... I don't know if any of this puts me in a particularly flattering light, but it's as near to my reasoning at the time as I can remember now. Though it was a pretty harrowing time and I wasn't thinking particularly straight. There is a thread about it somewhere on here, called, 'what do I do now?'. And from what I remember, almost everyone said: what you do now is... nothing. Just walk away.

 

ETA: Thought I'd just add that if she came to me and asked about it, then I'd give her the whole truth. Because I wouldn't feel comfortable lying to her, and yes, I do think she deserves to know if she is that suspicious. I know that doesn't quite go with what I've said above, but IF someone is wondering and actually has a name, then I think the situation changes somewhat. I don't like pulling the wool over someone's eyes like that, however inconsistent that sounds.

[luvmy2ns]

Sorry, Frannie, but I don't know. How long since you quit seeing your MM, and did he ever leave? If not, do you think he has a different OW? Not trying to be hurtful.

[frannie]

Sorry, Frannie, but I don't know. How long since you quit seeing your MM, and did he ever leave? If not, do you think he has a different OW? Not trying to be hurtful.

 

I last saw him in October. Last spoke to him in January. And no he's never left. And no, in my opinion he won't have another OW, but of course you're free to believe what you like on that. And as far as I'm concerned, he is free to have as many OW as he likes now , that will be his W's problem, not mine.

[NewSunrise]

Since there seems to be ongoing debate over as to who should tell the wife filled with self-justification posed by OWs, the flip side to this worth deserving a thread of its own (if there hasn't been one already) is...

 

If you, the OW were the BW, would you want to know?

[luvmy2ns]

I last saw him in October. Last spoke to him in January. And no he's never left. And no, in my opinion he won't have another OW, but of course you're free to believe what you like on that. And as far as I'm concerned, he is free to have as many OW as he likes now , that will be his W's problem, not mine.

 

As I don't personally know, the guy, I have no thoughts one way or the other on it. However, if he DOES choose another woman to f on the side, you'll know for an absolute certainty that you did the right thing by removing him from your life. Also, it would be an even MORE right thing for someone - anyone - to tell the W as it would then be apparent that he didn't just - oops - fall in love with another woman. He would, in fact, prove himself to be a serial cheater at that point.

[frannie]

Since there seems to be ongoing debate over as to who should tell the wife filled with self-justification posed by OWs, the flip side to this worth deserving a thread of its own (if there hasn't been one already) is...

 

If you, the OW were the BW, would you want to know?

 

OWs were asked why they didn't tell, so it was obvious there was going to be a lot of OWs talking about the reasons they didn't tell

 

I'm off over to your other thread now

[NewSunrise]

OWs were asked why they didn't tell, so it was obvious there was going to be a lot of OWs talking about the reasons they didn't tell

 

I'm off over to your other thread now

I suspect a lot of OWs will now have to do some "soul searching"...

[frannie]

I suspect a lot of OWs will now have to do some "soul searching"...

 

Not me. I already know what I'd want.

[NewSunrise]

Not me. I already know what I'd want.

Then you've defined who you are.

[frannie]

As I don't personally know, the guy, I have no thoughts one way or the other on it. However, if he DOES choose another woman to f on the side, you'll know for an absolute certainty that you did the right thing by removing him from your life. Also, it would be an even MORE right thing for someone - anyone - to tell the W as it would then be apparent that he didn't just - oops - fall in love with another woman. He would, in fact, prove himself to be a serial cheater at that point.

 

I won't know one way or the other about his future life, as we live in separate cities and I have no reason to be in contact with him.

 

I know I did the right thing in ending the affair anyway, I have no qualms or second thoughts on it. I think I know his character pretty well, and I know the toll it took on both of us. For the record he didn't fall in love with me and then start an affair, it was completely the other way round. He was looking for something outside his marriage from the get-go. I'm under no illusions about that. So from that perspective he may cheat again, since things haven't changed any at home.

 

But even so, I'm sorry I still don't see where it's the OW's job to patrol the marriage and offer the W the information she might not be looking for and might well (as Old Man said) not even want. What's between them is for them to look out for. Silk Tricks gave some good advice, and I think if married couples followed it there would be far fewer affairs.

 

But I do take your point. I think if I'd found out that he wasn't the man he represented himself as (and I took/take him to be), then I might have told his W in order to give her a heads up. I'm not completely ANTI telling the W, and I've sometimes advocated telling the W in these threads. I just don't think it's something that should be expected from the OW. There are too many reasons why not to tell. And I was really only speaking from the perspective of MY own affair and situation.

[frannie]

Then you've defined who you are.

 

Or you've made a judgment or assumption?