Mino Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 If that were the case then telling her wouldn't hurt. It would do nothing. However, if she did want to know and she did want the chance to make her own decision about how she lives her life, then telling her could be the best thing for her in the long run. Do you really believe that what you don't know doesn't hurt you? I think a BW is being hurt even if she doesn't know. She isn't aware of something very important in her own life. How is that not hurting someone? If the truth hurts, then the truth must be told so that changes can be made. I think that the bs knows especially when A has been going on for a long time. YOU know, every woman has a 7 sense, its pure womanly intinct;), we are born with this...BUT, I think many weigh out what is better for them. So many keep their mouth shut and look the other way, this way they can enjoy the finanial security and the status a marriage brings them. Otherwise the fear of maybe losing it all is too scary. So I dont believe that bs is in the dark, on a one night stand, yes, but an A which goes on for months, or years no.
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 No. What it is is the BS would be in a position to decide what's best for HIM/HER - providing someone clues them in on they type of "person" they are tied to. Because they're not smart enough to figure that out for themselves ??
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I think that the bs knows especially when A has been going on for a long time. YOU know, every woman has a 7 sense, its pure womanly intinct;), we are born with this...BUT, I think many weigh out what is better for them. So many keep their mouth shut and look the other way, this way they can enjoy the finanial security and the status a marriage brings them. Otherwise the fear of maybe losing it all is too scary. So I dont believe that bs is in the dark, on a one night stand, yes, but an A which goes on for months, or years no. Hum.. I have to disagree with this... It will be 2 years soon with my MM from work.. his W has absolutely NO clue at all.. she can reach him any time on his BB.. even when he's with me, he will take her calls... We usually see each other during work hours.. so there is no way she can even doubt him... She thinks she's got the best husband in the world. I'm sure he does nothing at home to even raise suspicions.. since he knows that if he gets caught and she kicks him out.. my door is closed.. he won't have any more than what I give him right now.. so it's in his best interest to keep it a secret. I am seeing another MM, it's been 5 years now.. he's in and out in less than 15 minutes each time.. and mostly during his work hours. I've seen him more often in the last year. He's a successful businessman.. on the road quite a lot.. she has absolutely no idea. They just need to be careful and leave no tracks...
Mino Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Hum.. I have to disagree with this... It will be 2 years soon with my MM from work.. his W has absolutely NO clue at all.. she can reach him any time on his BB.. even when he's with me, he will take her calls... We usually see each other during work hours.. so there is no way she can even doubt him... She thinks she's got the best husband in the world. I'm sure he does nothing at home to even raise suspicions.. since he knows that if he gets caught and she kicks him out.. my door is closed.. he won't have any more than what I give him right now.. so it's in his best interest to keep it a secret. I am seeing another MM, it's been 5 years now.. he's in and out in less than 15 minutes each time.. and mostly during his work hours. I've seen him more often in the last year. He's a successful businessman.. on the road quite a lot.. she has absolutely no idea. They just need to be careful and leave no tracks... lizzie, I am not talking about 15 min quicky's. I wouldnt even bother for that!!! lol! Lizzie , I am talking about a full fleged affair. Where mm spends hours a day, goes home late, goes out in the evening, goes on vacations with ow. Some men go to prositutues every payday, they dont get caught either. I am talking real Affair, not just sex
pelicanpreacher Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Lizzie, I'm curious as to what tact you'd take with your kid sister or daughter if you caught their husbands stepping out on them? What if said husbands approached you for an affair?
OpenBook Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Because they're not smart enough to figure that out for themselves ?? LF, I'm with you and Mino on this. If a BS has to depend on the outside world to "grab a clue" that the person she's living with, sleeping with, raising children and paying bills with is a "lying cheating POS" -- then she is some kinda dense (time to up the medication??) and maybe she IS better off not knowing. Y'all BS's are once again wasting your time trying to convince anyone that it isn't 100% your H's responsibility to come clean with you. Not anyone else. HE is the one who is betraying you. The OW is irrelevant to your M (remember, herenow??) and is CERTAINLY not the person you've agreed to love, honor and cherish. IT'S YOUR HUSBAND!! GRAB A CLUE WHYDON'THCA!!!
luvmy2ns Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Because they're not smart enough to figure that out for themselves ?? Sounds like sour grapes to me.
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 lizzie, I am not talking about 15 min quicky's. I wouldnt even bother for that!!! lol! Lizzie , I am talking about a full fleged affair. Where mm spends hours a day, goes home late, goes out in the evening, goes on vacations with ow. Some men go to prositutues every payday, they dont get caught either. I am talking real Affair, not just sex Wow.. from what you're talking here.. if she doesn't have a clue then she has to be a moron.. These guys really don't care if they get caught IMO. We are waaayyy more discreet...
luvmy2ns Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 LF, I'm with you and Mino on this. If a BS has to depend on the outside world to "grab a clue" that the person she's living with, sleeping with, raising children and paying bills with is a "lying cheating POS" -- then she is some kinda dense (time to up the medication??) and maybe she IS better off not knowing. Y'all BS's are once again wasting your time trying to convince anyone that it isn't 100% your H's responsibility to come clean with you. Not anyone else. HE is the one who is betraying you. The OW is irrelevant to your M (remember, herenow??) and is CERTAINLY not the person you've agreed to love, honor and cherish. IT'S YOUR HUSBAND!! GRAB A CLUE WHYDON'THCA!!! Geez. Such vitriole! Take a deep, cleansing breath. Now let it out... slowwwwwwly... There. Now, doesn't that feel much, much better?
luvmy2ns Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 As for the BS being "a moron," maybe it's more that the cheater is so skilled at lying and manipulating he can fool anyone - ESPECIALLY the BS AND the OW. Does this sound familiar to anyone? http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html
Mino Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Wow.. from what you're talking here.. if she doesn't have a clue then she has to be a moron.. These guys really don't care if they get caught IMO. We are waaayyy more discreet... LIZZIE THATS MT POINT!!!! she knows about us. She told me when I talked to her once a few months ago, that she has known all along.... She "felt" it in her gut.. BUT she likes her status quo, she never comlains, she never questions, she never confronts and still IRONS HIS SHIRTS!!!
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 LIZZIE THATS MT POINT!!!! she knows about us. She told me when I talked to her once a few months ago, that she has known all along.... She "felt" it in her gut.. BUT she likes her status quo, she never comlains, she never questions, she never confronts and still IRONS HIS SHIRTS!!! Oh well.. I'm sure there are a lot of women like that.. they won't give up their lifestyle... they just don't really care, they don't love their H anymore or they're cheating themselves.. I've been there.. I wanted him to get a mistress but he didn't want to cheat...
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 LIZZIE THATS MT POINT!!!! she knows about us. She told me when I talked to her once a few months ago, that she has known all along.... She "felt" it in her gut.. BUT she likes her status quo, she never comlains, she never questions, she never confronts and still IRONS HIS SHIRTS!!! Yes, and he lets her. As far as that goes, both your MM and his wife have some 'weird' issues going on between them and fact is, she does know about you and him, nothing is being done about, and he is staying at home not divorcing. The whole situation sounds off the wall to me..
GreenEyedLady Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 After reading here for a while I have some ideas on why a OW doesn't tell the wife the truth. Please tell me if I'm wrong. #1 - The OW is only in the affair for the sex and doesn't want the MM full time. Telling the wife might result in the MM being single and want more than the OW wants to give him. #2 - The OW is afraid that if the wife knows the MM will try to fix the marriage and the OW will be out of the picture. #3 - The OW feels that she doesn't owe the BW anything because the OW isn't married to the wife and therefor isn't responsible for anything that has to do with the wife. #4 - The OW believes the MM when he tells her how awful the BW is and that if the BW found out she would steal the kids and all his money. The way I see it, everyone deserves the truth. If the truth causes pain for anyone, why would anyone want to live that kind of lie? I started a new thread because I didn't want to thread jack another thread with my thoughts about telling the wife the truth. I've noticed you bring up this same subject periodically... I'll tell you why I never told his W. Why would I? It's not my business to be their MC. I had just as much stake as they did individually and as a partnership. If she can't see what's in front of her face, why should I be the one to blow the lid off it? What is the benefit to me? NONE. I also wouldn't want to hurt her so purposely. And finally, I didn't want to end my R. I love my man and if I had told his W, that would have ended our R real quick. I would have betrayed him and I am not a person that makes a habit of betraying others. So HN, I hope that answers your questions. It is the truth, painful as it may be for some to read. But I don't believe in smoke and mirrors so the truth is what you will get from me. My apologies, if the truth offends. GEL
Lizzie60 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Yes, and he lets her. As far as that goes, both your MM and his wife have some 'weird' issues going on between them and fact is, she does know about you and him, nothing is being done about, and he is staying at home not divorcing. The whole situation sounds off the wall to me.. Might sound off the wall to you but it's not uncommon.. some women do not want to start all over again.. maybe the lack of education, the low self esteem, the financial insecurity, the lack of confidence.. no jobs.. the lack of libido... etc.. they rather 'lend' their H and be happy with the circle of friends and pretending that all is fine.
Lookingforward Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Sounds like sour grapes to me. I'm sorry, but if someone can't figure out the character of the person they're married to, why would enlightening them be MY problem ? Just askin'
Lookingforward Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 LIZZIE THATS MT POINT!!!! she knows about us. She told me when I talked to her once a few months ago, that she has known all along.... She "felt" it in her gut.. BUT she likes her status quo, she never comlains, she never questions, she never confronts and still IRONS HIS SHIRTS!!! Mino, as did the W of the sMM I was with, yet apparently she wasn't even curious enough to ask any questions apart from being concerned with whether he would be supporting me or if I was going to work, but I guess that would tie in with her main concern being her continued support at the time.......... status quo must be a wonderful thing
Author herenow Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 LF, I'm with you and Mino on this. If a BS has to depend on the outside world to "grab a clue" that the person she's living with, sleeping with, raising children and paying bills with is a "lying cheating POS" -- then she is some kinda dense (time to up the medication??) and maybe she IS better off not knowing. Y'all BS's are once again wasting your time trying to convince anyone that it isn't 100% your H's responsibility to come clean with you. Not anyone else. HE is the one who is betraying you. The OW is irrelevant to your M (remember, herenow??) and is CERTAINLY not the person you've agreed to love, honor and cherish. IT'S YOUR HUSBAND!! GRAB A CLUE WHYDON'THCA!!! I never said it wasn't my H's fault, I said that the BW deserves to know and in answer to many threads that have been started by OW about telling the wife, I say go for it! And yes, the OW is irrelevant to the marriage if the couple decides to try and make it work. To focus even one second on the OW while trying to reconcile is a waste of time.
Author herenow Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 I've noticed you bring up this same subject periodically... I'll tell you why I never told his W. Why would I? It's not my business to be their MC. I had just as much stake as they did individually and as a partnership. If she can't see what's in front of her face, why should I be the one to blow the lid off it? What is the benefit to me? NONE. I also wouldn't want to hurt her so purposely. And finally, I didn't want to end my R. I love my man and if I had told his W, that would have ended our R real quick. I would have betrayed him and I am not a person that makes a habit of betraying others. So HN, I hope that answers your questions. It is the truth, painful as it may be for some to read. But I don't believe in smoke and mirrors so the truth is what you will get from me. My apologies, if the truth offends. GEL Sure I bring it up, every time there is a thread that I read about an OW wanting to tell the wife I feel compelled to give my POV. As long as OW continue to bring up the subject, I guess I will continue to give my opinion. I'm not here as often as I used to be, but when I do come here and see threads like the "evil thought" one, you just may see one like this from me. Your truth does not offend me at all. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not surprised in the least by your answer and you have no need to apologize.
Mino Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Mino, as did the W of the sMM I was with, yet apparently she wasn't even curious enough to ask any questions apart from being concerned with whether he would be supporting me or if I was going to work, but I guess that would tie in with her main concern being her continued support at the time.......... status quo must be a wonderful thing well status quo is about to be broken!!!
pelicanpreacher Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I've noticed you bring up this same subject periodically... I'll tell you why I never told his W. Why would I? It's not my business to be their MC. I had just as much stake as they did individually and as a partnership. If she can't see what's in front of her face, why should I be the one to blow the lid off it? What is the benefit to me? NONE. I also wouldn't want to hurt her so purposely. And finally, I didn't want to end my R. I love my man and if I had told his W, that would have ended our R real quick. I would have betrayed him and I am not a person that makes a habit of betraying others. So HN, I hope that answers your questions. It is the truth, painful as it may be for some to read. But I don't believe in smoke and mirrors so the truth is what you will get from me. My apologies, if the truth offends. GEL Your enigma is hypocrisy wrapped in duplicity threaded with the rationalizations of self-delusion! You wouldn't know the truth if you tripped on it!
Author herenow Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 LIZZIE THATS MT POINT!!!! she knows about us. She told me when I talked to her once a few months ago, that she has known all along.... She "felt" it in her gut.. BUT she likes her status quo, she never comlains, she never questions, she never confronts and still IRONS HIS SHIRTS!!! Well, then that's her choice. At least she knows the truth and can make the best decisions for herself based on that truth. In most cases the OW only knows what the MM tells her about the wife and the marriage. In reality it is always possible that if the MM is cheating, the BW may have her own secrets. There is no way the OW can know for sure what is going on in the marriage or in the life of the BW even if the OW has spoken to the BW. And you can't ignore the fact that if the MM can lie to his wife, he can lie to the OW.
Author herenow Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 What is the benefit to me? NONE. GEL This is the perfect line! I couldn't have phrased it better myself. Thank you so much GEL for being so honest.
Author herenow Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 But in answer to the original poster's question -- to tell the wife or not? Well, do you really want to go there? Some Buddhists have this odd notion that if you interfere with the lives of others, your karma (and therefore your fate) becomes intertwined with theirs. I don't know if that's true or not, but it sort of makes sense. Once you meddle in the lives of others, the outcome becomes partly your fault. The way I see it having sex with another persons spouse is in itself becoming intertwined in their life.
Mino Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Well, then that's her choice. At least she knows the truth and can make the best decisions for herself based on that truth. In most cases the OW only knows what the MM tells her about the wife and the marriage. In reality it is always possible that if the MM is cheating, the BW may have her own secrets. There is no way the OW can know for sure what is going on in the marriage or in the life of the BW even if the OW has spoken to the BW. And you can't ignore the fact that if the MM can lie to his wife, he can lie to the OW. So what are you talking about when you say she might have secrets? You mean her own A? I don't think so... Your right , mm can lie, but so far.... I believe him, and I know he has been honest. My mm does not sugar coat anything, I am direct and so is he. thats just how it is in OUR R .
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