torranceshipman Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I'm always a fan of honesty and telling the truth-its always the right thing in the end, in my opinion.
KnownTruth Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 After reading here for a while I have some ideas on why a OW doesn't tell the wife the truth. Please tell me if I'm wrong. #1 - The OW is only in the affair for the sex and doesn't want the MM full time. Telling the wife might result in the MM being single and want more than the OW wants to give him. #2 - The OW is afraid that if the wife knows the MM will try to fix the marriage and the OW will be out of the picture. #3 - The OW feels that she doesn't owe the BW anything because the OW isn't married to the wife and therefor isn't responsible for anything that has to do with the wife. #4 - The OW believes the MM when he tells her how awful the BW is and that if the BW found out she would steal the kids and all his money. The way I see it, everyone deserves the truth. If the truth causes pain for anyone, why would anyone want to live that kind of lie? I started a new thread because I didn't want to thread jack another thread with my thoughts about telling the wife the truth. As a former OW I wanted to tell MM'S wife. I wanted to rid myself of the guilty feelings that I was having. I never did tell her. MM's wife did think there was something going on, but chose to turn a blind eye on it. I especially like #4, I think it is the most popular thing the MM tells the OW and at first we believe it, but it gets old and tired hearing the same lame excuse.
OWoman Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I especially like #4, I think it is the most popular thing the MM tells the OW and at first we believe it, but it gets old and tired hearing the same lame excuse. None of my MMs, nor any I've known, have done this. It's far more common for men to bitch about their Ws to colleagues and friends than to lovers, IME.
isavelives2 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I wish I knew exactly what to say on here about this. My MM and I started out as friends, then rapidly found out we were very compatible. I have heard all the excuses (which he will say is not excuses) to why he hasn't left. I have even seen his things packed in his car (which eventually came back out). Recently I know for a fact he has lied to me, and I know he is lying to his W as well (he couldn't even be honest enough to tell her he was working with a female when I started). We started riding into work 2 months ago together and he can't tell her that either..... so why do I keep believing his lies ..... BECAUSE I want to, I want to believe this man, (even though I know deep down not to). So why don't I tell his wife, trust me when I tell you I TRULLY Deeply want to because I know he won't.. She has asked him numerous times if there is someone else, and he denies it..... but I think she knows. In the very beginning someone seen us together and told her. Deep down I trully want to tell her, but something keeps stopping me. Maybe it's another rule #9- Because we feel we have already done so mch damage to ourselves that we don't trully want to hurt someone else more than they "already suspect". We don't want to be the person that breaks up childrens homes..... (even though we are the OW, we do have a concious)..... Just my two cents as the OW.....
stillafool Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Well, I've only read the OP so I don't where this thread went for the last 22 pages, but I would like to point out that this list is most definitely not comprehensive. I did not tell the W because my relationship wasn't about her. For most of the relationship, there was simply no reason for me to tell her. Whether or not MM felt there was a reason, that would've been between him and her. Frankly, if MM would have chosen to stay with her, then it would have been his burden to tell her if he were honest about wanting his M to work. And MM decided not to stay in the M, so what she knows is irrelevant since their R is over. She did figure it out somewhere along the line but, again, I didn't need to insert myself in that because, again, their R was over. I will say that when I found out I was pg, I told MM that if he did stay in the M, he would have to tell her about me and the baby, and we'd have to meet so that we could all figure out how to raise the babe together. But that never came to pass. That, however, was the only situation I could think of, ime, where her and I would need to discover one another. Lookingforward, this one seems to apply to #6 and #7. The W probably didn't want his sorry arse back after she found out about the kid.
Lookingforward Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Lookingforward, this one seems to apply to #6 and #7. The W probably didn't want his sorry arse back after she found out about the kid. Can't say I'd blame her for that decision, either.
SerenityX2 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 And he without her. They didn't fit together. *shrug* Serenity, No, there was no default. I gave him a total "out" on the pregnancy where he could've chosen to stay out of our (meaning me and baby) lives completely...I even told him I wouldn't seek support as long as he waived his parental rights. But he made it clear to me immediately upon discovery of the pg that he wanted to be a dad to the baby and a full partner with me. So, since he chose to be a dad, if he would have also chose to work on his M, she would also have to be a part of that baby's life. It would've had to happen that way (of course, a W in that situation can choose to leave the M...that's how she makes the choice whether or not to raise a child in that environment). Though MM never once said he wanted to work on his M or stay with W. He never truly entertained it as an option. Telling him she'd have to know about the baby if he stayed was part of our conversation we had where I outlined all the options to him at the same point I gave him the "out." I'm a control freak prone to anxiety, so, of course, when coming across an unplanned major life event, I lay out all possible scenarios no matter how unlikely. From his perspective, all he ever wanted was to be a family with me, the baby and my other children and that was the only option he ever planned on exercising. As far as my supposed duty to inform her, I was not a part of her R nor was she a part of mine. MM had an R with her that he told me was over. He had an R with me that he told me was beginning. If MM's claims weren't true, it is an impetus on the MM to fix any untruths. OWs and BS' have no relationship...not friends, not enemies, nothing. We have a common person in our lives. OW and BS owe each other nothing. Why make that any more complicated than it is? Is the married individual working between two women who needs to choose honesty where he thinks it appropriate. I see, TY for your response. The fact that you were willing to walk away if he waived his rights, speaks a different story, I would not have responded if that was what was first written. I'm not sure what to say, (seeing I'm no advocate of affairs:p but like I said, I wouldn't have responded...) but since pandora's box is opened, I don't wish to offend, but I have an observation. I went back and read a few of your earlier posts (for background) and if this is the same guy that caused a lot of turmoil and heartbreak in the past...I'd just guard your heart. Pain with a person (if it shows up early on) tends to be cyclical...even if it goes away for a while. IME. If I'm understanding it right, he was married for quite a while. He may have known if he wanted parental rights but not sure he wanted to D, he would have known how his wife would have handled it, so he left, knowing she'd likely kick him out anyway. It's just a possible scenario given what you wrote, so even if he left and led you to believe it was always going to be his choice etc... He has lied in the past. And not little white lies. I hope you demanded significant changes for him to prove he is trustworthy. Lying is a dealbreaker for me, but I understand that some people overcome lying in a r'ship as "nobody is perfect" and part of a hardship of a r'ship. I do obviously see it differently and comment as such, but I hate to see people in pain in r'ships when it doesn't have to be that way. However you may no longer be in pain, I hope that's the case. Best to you, yours and the baby on the way.
Cliche Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Thank you for your well wishes, Serenity. Right now, everyone is doing fine, and we're finally a family. Yes, this is the same guy and yes, the relationship caused me quite a bit of pain. I still work through it sometimes, but it has gotten a bunch easier for a variety of reasons (not the least of which was my therapy I recommend finding a great therapist to OW and BS alike). I disappeared from here for over half a year while I worked on what I needed in my life and, yes, part of that was getting MM to make decisions and change certain aspects of his life. It stinks that I had to put my foot down as it was something I never was sure I wanted to do, but it was the only way for me to retain my sanity and move on with my life. I had to mean it. I had to be prepared for a life without him and not just give him empty threats. And when the foot finally went down, and I was finally ready to walk away, not to push him but to heal me, he acted quickly. Our situation is not like the ones many BS on here are accustomed to. He didn't leave a family. His wife was not blindsided. I am dealing with a man who has some faults, but he is not a cad. He is a good man with baggage. I am a good woman with baggage. We're accepting each other's faults, doing our best to make one another happy, and building a life together. Our lives together had began in an imperfect way, yes, but right now, I'm operating under the notion that the bitter makes the sweet sweeter.
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