when do you know that it's over?

[soda]

I suspect that some of you have the experience that I lack to provide some advice on this question. When does one know that it's time to throw the towel in on a marriage? My wife hasn't committed any one offense that would I'd deem unforgiveable, but her behavior over the past couple of months has been self-centered to the point of self-indulgent. We're been through a couple of sessions of marriage counseling, where she appears to be saying the right things, but I don't see her consistently thinking of anybody except for herself. Increasingly, I find myself asking "why am I doing this?" The only answer that I can come up with is that there are children involved.

 

I am exasperated in my marriage, and it's become a chore to want to continue it another day.

[JerseyShortie]

Well, what kind of things does she do?

[soda]

She has a male friend that she seems to value more than the marriage at times. We've argued about the relationship repeatedly, but she simply claims "she's not doing anything wrong." Additionally, she's prone to mood swings...our kids and I bear the brunt of her sudden shifts in moods. She's also taking on less of the responsibilities of running our household, and she doesn't really ever take time to thank me for my efforts, even though my job is at least demanding as hers is. Finally, she pouts like a child over the fact that we can't make all the home improvements that we'd like to make when she wants to make them.

 

We are in marriage counseling. I am working my butt off to salvage the marriage. Usually, she'll "play the game" for a couple of days following our session, and then she's right back to fixating on her male friend (I hear about him at least 4 or 5 times a day), snapping at me and/or the kids, or drowning herself in chocolate.

 

Like I said, I am not perfect, but she seems to excuse her behavior by making me out to be a less than adequete husband. I have never done anything to hurt her...I am attentive to her needs, and I am a caring father. My biggest "vice" seems to be that I am "jealous about her friends." (I am uncomfortable with just the one male friend, and I've told her as much.)

[NewSunrise]

You might want to post on OM/OW section.

 

Your W is not only inconsiderate and insensitive, but her relationship with this particular male has all the markings of an affair. If you haven't already, I'd check phone records and emails accounts. Invest on a keylogger less than 50 bucks. It'll record the last 250K key strokes and you bet you dollar she's doing more than what you think. Found out my XWS was addicted to porn of the worst kind.

 

Marriage is a 2way street. So far, it's one way in her favor.

 

My sister has four kids. The kids are much happier. She and he X have a very civil divorce.

 

You'll know when that time comes. Don't stay in a marriage for the kids. Your W is banking on the kids for you to stay in the M. It's her excuse to abuse the M.

[Tripper]

Soda, I agree with Sunrise. Something is amiss; she may not be having a PA but it sure sounds like it's an EA.

 

If you can do some digging and get some proof of an A, ie: phone logs, emails etc you can then, at least, confront her.

 

Since you're in MC this provides a good venue for actually laying out any evidence you may find and the MC can act as a referee so things don't get out of hand.

 

I would suggest that before you lay any cards on the table, you make sure you make sure you are protected legally re: property and children in the event you will be proceeding to exit the marriage.

[JerseyShortie]

Well, I don't know if you already have but I think you should bring it up to her that you don't think she is taking your marriage and working on fixing it seriously. You could also bring it up in counseling if you haven't yet. It does sound like she is being selfish and she really needs to be making more of an effort.

 

I know for myself in past relationships I have avoided asking certain hard questions for fear of the answer. But I think you need to ask her if she wants to stay married, and if she does, then her behavior and attitude need to change...But don't say it like I did. That whold catching more flies with honey then vinegar thing.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am exasperated in my marriage, and it's become a chore to want to continue it another day.

 

There is a very simple test to see if the marriage is over or not.

 

End it. Start the divorce proceedings. If she doesn't care... then it's over. If she decides that it's worth fixing then she will get serious and you can both get to work together.

 

Listen, if I know anything about women... if you drop the Divorce bomb, and she doesn't care... there is another guy in the picture. In a romantic way!

[jmargel]

• She has a friend that she sees/talks to everyday
  
• She puts this 'friend' as a higher priority than you
  
• She verbally abuses you
  
• She lays 'blanket statements' on you
  
• She is not caring about the marriage/family by lack of doing household chores
  
• She doesn't appreciate what you do
  
• She is not putting any effort into the marriage
  

 

These are red flags. Her interest is with this other man. Of course you are exhausted you can't be married to someone who doesn't want to be married right now to their husband.

 

The blanket statements is actually one of the biggest red flags. Let me guess, she's used statements such as 'You're not a man', 'You are paranoid if you think i'm cheating', 'You are crazy to think such things', etc..

 

When you talk about this friend, she gets defensive and changes the subject, usually laying a couple of blanket statements on you.

 

Get ahold of her cell phone records, get a keylogger installed. A good one (which is free) http://www.kmint21.com/keylogger/

 

You tolerate her behavior so she continues it. She is going to MC to only say she is going. She's not putting effort into it. I'm sure she has already told you how easy it would be for her to leave. She uses fear to keep you in the marriage while she has the affair.

 

I went through the same thing, until one morning I snapped and demanded she leave the house and I was done with the marriage. Only then did she snap out of it.

 

You need to live in confidence already, know that you will move on from this. Stop rolling over and piddling on yourself when it comes to this. Get the book 'Love must be tough'. Read it. You have alot more power then you think. It's time for action, not just words.

[smartgirl]

I am sorry to have to agree that your wife's relationship with this other man is at the root of the problem and that the relationship is not one a married woman should be in. I feel almost positive of this, especially since this behavior is new.

 

I think it is likely that it has not gotten physical which is why she seems to feel it is still ok for her to bring him up all the time. But she is clearly obsessed with him and has let that affect how she feels about you.

 

When my H was having his A he also snapped at our children which was completely unlike him. People in affairs have no patience for the mundane responsibilities of their real life. They tolerate real life, barely, until they can see their OP again which is all they care about at the moment.

 

You will need proof or likely she will not admit to it. First, it seems to me from reading this site that women are far more likely to continue to lie about the relationship when confronted. Second, she is not ready for this relationship to end and she will say and do what she needs to to keep it going.

 

Some people in affairs are not really in their right mind. They see a distorted version of reality and believe they are hurting no one and that their behavior is normal. You might want to do some reading in preparation. I would recommend "Not Just Friends" and "After the Affair"