storywizard Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 This is a complicated issue that I will outline in point form to try to keep it simple...:-) I have emotional issues around "romantic" love, I always end up hurt. I chose to have a relationship with a woman I "love" on platonic level, not sexually, we have been together 15 years,the relationship is a great source of friendship, companionship and trust and intellectual pleasure We used to have sex at the beginning, but she has issues after dealing with menopause, hyperthyroidism, and other challenges. She is dog tired all the time. I thought I would not miss the physical part of the relationship. I truly love this woman, as a friend/companion...not a lover. She is 64, I am 58. I know the desire for sex and physical is supposed to pass...but right now I am dying for intimacy, as she is... We cannot have sex because of her physical issues, we do cuddle a bit. Last week I went for a Tantric Massage: BIG MISTAKE!!! I had no idea how hungry I was, I practically fell in love with the provider. luckily she was not a full service provider, and has ignored any further contact with me, sensing no doubt, my neediness. My partner and I have talked about all of the issues she faces, with many tears on both sides, but I really don't know what to do about the physical intimacy issue. Massage is obviously not an answer, it opens up too many repressed desires. I have thought about totally repressing the physical need, being English I can do that...but I spent years in therapy getting to feel again, so I don't think that is a good answer, is it?? I would appreciate some wisdom...I will not leave my wife for another woman, we have too much that is good...but what to do with the physical needs??? we are truly hurting here....and I don't want to hurt her at all doing anything foolish... Storywizard...:-(
Mr. Lucky Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I have thought about totally repressing the physical need, being English I can do that... That sentence made me smile... Without getting too graphic, are her fingers broken? Are her lips sealed? Because there are obviously a number of ways outside of intercourse to express physical love, assuming that you are both indeed "dying for intimacy". And being in my mid-50's myself, I certainly hope that my time hasn't passed... Mr. Lucky
Author storywizard Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 Thanks for the reply...unfortunately my wife does not have any sexual interest at all, we cuddle before sleep, that is it. She tells me she loves me, behaves that way too, just no sexual interest. We have great talks, share everything except no physical intimacy... She is now going for a physical exam, up in Canada it is hard to get any tests done, the medical system sucks...she is also tired/depressed from her job, which she will be retiring from next year.... Sounds like I need to forget about sex...but how?? S
Ronni_W Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 ...unfortunately my wife does not have any sexual interest at all, we cuddle before sleep, Hhmmm...it is a difficult and delicate dilemma. Is she open to cuddling while you, er, lose your status as 'master of your domain'? (to borrow a concept from Seinfeld) I don't know too much about how sex therapy works, but that may be worth exploring with hope that it offers some insight and mutually acceptable solutions. Best of luck.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Thanks for the reply...unfortunately my wife does not have any sexual interest at all, we cuddle before sleep, that is it. She tells me she loves me, behaves that way too, just no sexual interest. We have great talks, share everything except no physical intimacy... I didn't get a strong sense from your post that you've had a direct discussion with her about this. Something along the lines of "Honey, I love you and want the chance to express that love physically". Her level of interest aside, she must have some knowledge of the importance of sex and physical intimacy in a marriage. You seem to be making all the excuses necessary for her... Mr. Lucky
Author storywizard Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 Hello: funny you would mention that! Until this week that would have been true, but we did actually have a long and emotional conversation about the lack of physical play in our relationship. My wife is going to get a full exam, also she has decided to retire from the job that takes most of her energy. She told me although she misses the physical side of our marriage, there is no feeling for her below the waist.... Well I am off for a massage...things will be what they are I guess.... thanks for the replies... S
Mr. Lucky Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 She told me although she misses the physical side of our marriage, there is no feeling for her below the waist.... How about in her heart - is there feeling there? In her brain? I like to think that, heaven forbid, I became a paraplegic, I'd still be interested in my wife's sexual satisfaction. Sometimes one has to realize that it's about more than just what they feel or see as it affects them. Your desire for intimacy should be part of a bigger picture that involves both of you... Mr. Lucky
pentacle Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Isn't sex in the mind as much as anywhere else? Learning to stimulate that organ may be a good starting point perhaps?
Author storywizard Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 well, yes... all is true, I think what is going on is a natural aging process in the body, and the mind takes a while to catch up..I am not going to throw away a perfectly matched "friendship" for pure physical satisfaction... So, I think the answer lies in patience and actual love..wow, did I say that! lol thanks again for your thoughts... S
Author storywizard Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 well: I have been for a couple of massages, one where I almost fell in love, lol... I realize at this age, 58, or any age, that I don't want to pay for affection. I also don't want to leave a great, if non physical relationship. So I have decided to shut down my need for affection, I am just to tired of the whole need to me touch please touch me thing... I know this sounds weird, but I cant carry on like this...and shutting down the physical side seems like the only option as there is not going to be any change in my wifes desire/need level... wish me luck, I will need all the courage and forbearance I can muster.... SW
Mr. Lucky Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 So I have decided to shut down my need for affection How exactly do you propose to do that? Mr. Lucky
smartgirl Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 There are a number of physical issues which can cause a loss of sexual desire. Your wife may be experiencing that or she may be feeling a loss of desire due to some of the medications she is taking for her various conditions. I was given a birth control pill once that caused a loss of sexual desire, depression and assorted other physical problems. I suffered for years before a doctor decided to change my pills "just to see if it had any effect" but he kept telling me it wouldn't. It did. I was completely normal again after going off. Later on, I was suffering from what I know now was a mild depression due to work stress, etc. I gained weight and felt a complete loss of sexual desire. I got laid off, lost the weight and I am myself again. So my round about message here is that a woman can temporarily lose her sexual desire for a variety of reasons. But she needs to explore that specifically with her doctors and doing some internet research might help as well. I can tell you as a woman with a normally very healthy sex drive, that when you lose that drive for physical or mental reasons, you are so far gone you don't even miss it. That is the strangest thing. It is like you are in a completely different mental state and you don't even remember what you felt like before. If you did, you would miss it enough to take action. Your wife needs help for this problem, but it is hard to get medical professionals to take it seriously enough to help.
pentacle Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 What I meant about sex being in the mind, was that you may need to work on stimulating her sexual mind as well as getting some medical help. Medical help is needed when loss of natural libido impinges relationships, which this is obviously doing. When your body feels out of sorts it shuts down to the basics, and pleasurable sex (as opposed to hormonal procreational youthful sex) does not fall in that category unfortunately. So the medical focus is required here - and yes it could be changing medications, or find another medication to enable her to function better. When I was younger I had some issues related to hyperthyroidism and hormonal imbalances that just disabled me completely - and it wasn't that I didn't love my husband but I was so focussed on all the physical issues I had, and feeling generally awful, that I wasn't capable of responding or even thinking of anything else - all sorted out by medication to bring my hormones to normal levels and sort out physical symptoms. That simple. So medical help seems to be number 1 on the list. Mental sexuality - learning how to turn each other on by talking and thinking sexily. Can be fun. I'm sure there are some technique kind of books out there - get them and read them together in the spirit of this is something you used to do and enjoyed together, make sure there is no feeling of pressure. So even as her body ages and perhaps makes sex more difficult, there are options to keep you both stimulated and active. I think resigning yourself to shutting down your sexuality leads to trouble. Your wife seems open to talking about it all, albeit tearfully. Go with that openness and keep exploring - it is nice to know someone still loves and desires physical and sexual closeness.
Author storywizard Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Hello: thanks for all the input...it is very helpful to get others opinions... After a lovely conversation with my wife where it became clear that she is missing the physical side of our relationship as much as I am, we have booked a session with a clinic that deals with various issues around sexuality and aging...etc. It is clear to me that my wife has all sorts of feeling for me that she has been suppressing because of the physical issues...so it will be good to get some professional guidance. Thanks again for all your thoughts...:-) Storywizard
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