mm1987 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]If you have a friend who you know is cheating on his wife. You also know that he was cheating before they got married. And has continued to cheat even after they got married. So no he has not been faithful to his wife since day one of their marriage. Should I tell the wife? The only thing is they are both my friends and I don’t want him to get mad at me for letting the cat out of the bag. I would have to try and find a way that he would not know it was me. So should I tell? And if I should how should I tell the wife?[/sIZE][/FONT]
quankanne Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 don't go to his wife, but talk to him about all the side stuff that comes with cheating: Possible pregnancy, more than possible STD's, wasting his wife's time if she thinks she's in a monogamous relationship. if those things don't make him think twice about fooling around on his wife, then guilt him into getting himself tested for STDs on a regular basis and giving the results to his wife. If he's still slipping her the hot dog, then she should be able to have all the pertinent information available when it comes to allowing him access sexually when he's doing other women. of course, that'd probably take the fun out of cheating, but hey, at least he'd be protecting her health ... and her heart.
JackJack Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 That's a tough one. I see different things you could do. In the end it will have to be up to YOU with what you feel is the right thing to do. *Don't come out and tell the wife, but drop hints that might make her pick up on something not being right with her husband. *Talk to your friend about it. Tell him how YOU feel what he is doing is wrong, and that you think it might be best to tell his wife. *Put yourself in his wife's position. Would you want to know if it were you? *Tell the wife. *Don't tell, and hope that it will eventually catch up with him.
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I would go straight to him and tell him that YOU know he's been cheating and he NEEDS to tell his wife because what he's been doing to her is really selfish of him and it has to stop. Encourge him to tell but don't threaten him because he'll flip the story around and make it seem like you came onto him and make up some lie to his wife.
D-Lish Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I have two close friends that are married- and I know she has had affairs on him and continues to do so. I have chosen to stay out of it- it's not my business. She's talked about it openly with me- and I have been her confidante. I just chat with her about making sure she uses protection at all times. It's up to you whether or not you tell. I would never do so in my situation because she trusts me and confides in me.... I may not agree with it- but I won't interfere.
Stockalone Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]If you have a friend who you know is cheating on his wife. You also know that he was cheating before they got married. And has continued to cheat even after they got married. So no he has not been faithful to his wife since day one of their marriage. Should I tell the wife? The only thing is they are both my friends and I don’t want him to get mad at me for letting the cat out of the bag. I would have to try and find a way that he would not know it was me. So should I tell? And if I should how should I tell the wife?[/sIZE][/FONT] I agree with the others that we can't make that decision for you. But since you were asking for opinions. I was in a similar situation, but the couple in my case wasn't married. I found out about my friend by accident, he hadn't told me that he was cheating on his gf. That made my decision easier but I would have made the decision even if he had told me about it. After I discovered the truth, I gave him a week to tell his gf or otherwise I would. His gf wasn't even a person I liked very much but I was not going to help him betray her. He may have been my brother in arms, but I certainly wasn't going to be his partner in crime. I also would want to know in case someone else knows that my gf cheats on me. He didn't think I would actually tell his gf, and he refused to tell her. Our friendship ended that day and I told his gf.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I have two close friends that are married- and I know she has had affairs on him and continues to do so. I have chosen to stay out of it- it's not my business. She's talked about it openly with me- and I have been her confidante. I just chat with her about making sure she uses protection at all times. You are in the middle! So long as you let her confide in you... you are very much a part of this. If you don't agree with what she is doing... then why do you enable her emotionally?
blair08 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I would say, don't tell. You don't want to get caught up in something that might get uglier than it already is. Everything usually comes full circle, so it will eventually catch up with him anyway. How do you know his wife might not already know? She probably doesn't, but there's that chance she may know.
PandorasBox Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Well, if you weren't confused before on what to do, you will be now. :)Nothing wrong with wanting advice from others but you will get some who might tell you, to tell the wife, some say don't, etc. You will have to decide. Do you feel the friendship is worth risking ending by telling? If it matters not, then I say tell. If it were me, I'd want to know. If your friendship is more important than what your friend is doing to his wife, then don't tell.
D-Lish Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 You are in the middle! So long as you let her confide in you... you are very much a part of this. If you don't agree with what she is doing... then why do you enable her emotionally? Because I have known her for 20 years- and she's conflicted and unhappy. She's miserable in her marriage- he doesn't treat her well (he's highly critical of her appearance and intellect- sometimes to the point of being cruel).... and my ultimate goal is to provide her with enough support and love so she gains the strength to leave him. I think everyone needs one person they can confide in and expect loyalty without judgement. I think she will gain the strength to leave- given the proper support and friendship. I like them both as people - we've all been friends since highschool - but they are horrible "together". I think what would be best for her is to leave the marriage- but she has to come to that conclusion herself.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Because I have known her for 20 years- and she's conflicted and unhappy. She's miserable in her marriage- he doesn't treat her well (he's highly critical of her appearance and intellect- sometimes to the point of being cruel).... and my ultimate goal is to provide her with enough support and love so she gains the strength to leave him. I think everyone needs one person they can confide in and expect loyalty without judgement. I think she will gain the strength to leave- given the proper support and friendship. I like them both as people - we've all been friends since highschool - but they are horrible "together". I think what would be best for her is to leave the marriage- but she has to come to that conclusion herself. D, I understand your reasoning... I've been there. I'm telling you that it's the wrong thing to do. Those are all just bad excuses. She will leave her marriage when she has to. Providing moral support just prolongs that process. There are many, many things in life that feel good for a brief time, but cause long term damage. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is stop supporting the bad things they do. When the anger dies away, then you are left with the actions. If she has even a shred of a good person inside, her actions will haunt.
classicgirl Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Everyone has an opinion about what is right and what is wrong. That is easy enough to see in all the replies above. You most likely came to a conclusion that you were not happy about and are looking for a different option because you are feeling guilt. The best answer is to put yourself in both situations. If you were being cheated on, would you want to be told? Or if you were the cheater would it be better for someone else to tell your wife, or confront you about the cheating? The information you hold is powerful, and you should decide whether you want to be a part of this or not. I saw cheating destroy my parents relationship and it has destroyed several of mine as well (that includes me cheating). Its up to you to decide if you have a moral responsibility. I feel as though she needed to know and would confront him first, but in the end, I would tell her. Although you should also consider how valuable your friendship with the husband is. There are no right answers....only situations with variables. Try to choose the one that you will feel best for doing.
Can'tGiveUp Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 All I can say is that if I had a friend who knew my H was cheating on me BEFORE we were married and he tells me after, I would be be angry at the person telling me, too. If you choose to tell, I would make sure you have an answer to why you kept silent for so long and decided now was the time to tell.
D-Lish Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 D, I understand your reasoning... I've been there. I'm telling you that it's the wrong thing to do. Those are all just bad excuses. She will leave her marriage when she has to. Providing moral support just prolongs that process. There are many, many things in life that feel good for a brief time, but cause long term damage. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is stop supporting the bad things they do. When the anger dies away, then you are left with the actions. If she has even a shred of a good person inside, her actions will haunt. Yeah- I hear ya there. I just have this very soft spot for her because she is fragile as a woman. I don't wish to enable- I just have compassion for her because she has been through so much... It's a long convoluted story... I am sure if I explained it all out it would make more sense why I provide that non-judgemental ear for her. A part of it stems from HIM wanting a baby- and her being unable to concieve... He beats her down because of this... and her self esteem has been severely compromised as a result. I give her my ear because she needs it. No- I don't agree with the cheating- but I do want her to get back on her feet emotionally so she has the strength to leave the relationship. I do know it is enabling.... I just could never imagine telling her SO she is cheating when she entrusted me with the info... What would you do in this situation? I am at a loss. Not highjacking the post!! sorry!
Gawdess Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Sorry, but that wasn't your place to tell his girlfriend. It's not a "crime" to cheat on a girlfriend. It's not a crime to cheat on your spouse for that matter. That's what kills me when people on here get in their moral high horse, they will go out drinking and driving, etc. which ARE crimes, and they are out here condemning those that have had affairs, without even knowing the real story. It's not your place to intervene, it was none of your business. I agree with the others that we can't make that decision for you. But since you were asking for opinions. I was in a similar situation, but the couple in my case wasn't married. I found out about my friend by accident, he hadn't told me that he was cheating on his gf. That made my decision easier but I would have made the decision even if he had told me about it. After I discovered the truth, I gave him a week to tell his gf or otherwise I would. His gf wasn't even a person I liked very much but I was not going to help him betray her. He may have been my brother in arms, but I certainly wasn't going to be his partner in crime. I also would want to know in case someone else knows that my gf cheats on me. He didn't think I would actually tell his gf, and he refused to tell her. Our friendship ended that day and I told his gf.
Stockalone Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I do know it is enabling.... I just could never imagine telling her SO she is cheating when she entrusted me with the info... What would you do in this situation? I am at a loss. Not highjacking the post!! sorry! I am fairly certain that the people who know me would never tell me such information because they know what my reaction would be. I am curious though, how did you obtain that information. Did she just drop this on you or did she test the waters first to gauge how you would react?
mental_traveller Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 If cheating only caused emotional hurt, there might be some excuse for not telling. But that's not the case. Cheating is potentially exposing the other partner to incurable, and in some cases fatal sexually transmitted diseases. Would you tell the husband if his wife had ebola or SARS? I hope you would. Her cheating is exactly the same - all it takes is one guy with herpes or HIV and the husband could get infected for life. You gotta tell. If you are scared, tell anonymously through a note or fake email address.
mental_traveller Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I do know it is enabling.... I just could never imagine telling her SO she is cheating when she entrusted me with the info... ! He entrusted her with his love/marriage, doesn't that count for anything? What if your friend confessed she was stealing from her employer, or molesting a child, or had murdered someone. Would loyalty to the friends still be the only consideration? You're position is not easy, and I'm not trying to criticize, but I think you need to ponder the overall morality of this situation, and the consequences for the other innocent parties, not just the one you are friends with.
porter218 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I would tell if I were you. In a way you are an accomplice if you don't tell. How you go about telling depends on a lot of things. Do you know the OW? or at least a little about her? Is it 1 or many OW? Does your friend know that you know he is cheating? Does anyone else know about this, or just you?
pelicanpreacher Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Yeah- I hear ya there. I just have this very soft spot for her because she is fragile as a woman. I don't wish to enable- I just have compassion for her because she has been through so much... It's a long convoluted story... I am sure if I explained it all out it would make more sense why I provide that non-judgemental ear for her. A part of it stems from HIM wanting a baby- and her being unable to concieve... He beats her down because of this... and her self esteem has been severely compromised as a result. I give her my ear because she needs it. No- I don't agree with the cheating- but I do want her to get back on her feet emotionally so she has the strength to leave the relationship. I do know it is enabling.... I just could never imagine telling her SO she is cheating when she entrusted me with the info... What would you do in this situation? I am at a loss. Not highjacking the post!! sorry! In my opinion her husband has already broken the vows of marriage by failing to love, honor, and cherish! Theirs is a marriage strictly on paper at this point. Its too bad that she didn't have the strength and resources to leave the moment the abuse began. Although I don't endorse cheating as a rule, outside intervention is necessary in order to boost her self-esteem to the point that she can move towards a separation or divorce. Sometimes that boost of self-esteem is expediently accomplished with an affair. You should encourage your friend to seek counselling and the advice of a good divorce attorney.
twice_shy Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 If you have a friend who you know is cheating on his wife. You also know that he was cheating before they got married. And has continued to cheat even after they got married. So no he has not been faithful to his wife since day one of their marriage. Should I tell the wife? Yes, she deserves to know, especially if time is of the essence and it isn't too late for an anullment. Nobody told me what my wife did to me before and during the marriage. If they had, they could have saved several years of my life that I will never get back. The only thing is they are both my friends and I don’t want him to get mad at me for letting the cat out of the bag. Then send an anonymous letter to her. Make sure it is convincing with details that will strike a chord with her. That way whether she believes it or not, you did your part and now the ball is in her court. She deserves to know she is married to a freakin' snake.
twice_shy Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I have two close friends that are married- and I know she has had affairs on him and continues to do so. I have chosen to stay out of it- it's not my business. Ah, so just let her keep on spreading her legs for other guys and let her husband be a poor uniformed fool then. That sounds like a great plan. Question, were you in the wedding party? She's talked about it openly with me- and I have been her confidante. I just chat with her about making sure she uses protection at all times. Thought you said its none of your business?? If that is true, then when she talks to you about it, you need to tell her, "this is none of my business and I don't want to hear any of this" So rather than telling her she needs to stop, you just want to make sure she is safe when she does it....uh...ok... I really hope you don't act like her husband's friend, because you aren't one in any sense of the word, he just doesn't know it. Looks like you and his wife are both playing him for a fool. It's up to you whether or not you tell. I would never do so in my situation because she trusts me and confides in me.... I may not agree with it- but I won't interfere. She trusts you, but isn't trustworthy herself....thats rich. Well, birds of a feather.
twice_shy Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Because I have known her for 20 years- and she's conflicted and unhappy. She's miserable in her marriage- he doesn't treat her well Well then advise her to get a divorce...not freakin' cheat. And if she is that damn unhappy and would rather cheat mulitple times with multiple people, then why isn't she getting a divorce?
twice_shy Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 People knew about my xW and what she did. Everyone kept their mouths shut and didn't say a word because they didn't want to be the cause of a marriage failing. Well didn't they realize that the marriage was failed anyway because she was cheating? So all the people who knew and didn't tell me basically robbed me of almost 13 years of my life. Needless to say I'm not happy with those people that kept it from me and I have distanced myself from them.
SueBee3490 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I would tell. I wouldn't want someone to go through the pain I've went through not knowing about my H. I feel very stupid around his family as they knew he was dating others at the time we were dating/engaged and didn't tell me. I remember crying on my sister-in-law's (his brother's wife) shoulder about how lucky I was to have found him, how much I loved him, blah blah and she knew he went out on me with someone else and didn't say anything. I feel like an idiot for spilling my guts to her and really never went around his family again. Who knows if they were all laughing behind my back at how he's got me wrapped around his finger all the while going out on me. As others have said, the BS needs to know for safety issues with AIDS, herpes, etc. out there.
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