On the brink of ending it with my fiancee... Need a woman's perpsective!

June 9, 2008

I've been browsing through these forums and I think you guys have a great community. I have a problem with my fiancee that I need some advice on.

We had been together for a little over a year before I proposed (9 months of which we were living together), and we have been engaged for about a month so far. The fact that we are engaged has not really changed the relationship much, but we seem to have recurring problems that I don't know how to solve. I am 25 in June and she is 23 in August. When we first met she was very very insecure about herself (from a bad home-life, past relationships - she always left/pushed the guy away before she would be left) and we would fight alot. She would essentially be trying to push me away, always telling me how I deserve better, she's not good enough, etc. No matter what I would tell her it wouldn't make much difference. She went through a period when she would suffer from anxiety attacks (which would always have her asking me why don't I leave, I deserve better, can I really live like this for the rest of my life, etc etc), and I was always by her side supporting her.

She went to a psychologist (and has been there for 6 months or so), and a psychiatrist who has prescribed her Cipralex (Lexipro in the US as I recall). Things notably improved, but we would still occasionally fight (as any normal couple does, not major ones). We had a big fight about 2 weeks ago where she said she wanted to end it and gave me my ring back. I know some of the reasons for it getting to that point is my fault (issues since resolved - she felt I was being too critical of her behavior, and in retrospect, I unintentionally was), but she has a tendency to OVER-exaggerate things when we fight. Almost every single fight we had she would always say something like "maybe we aren't right for each other". We both love each other very very much and we have a great relationship, but I feel like her creating drama over small problems is getting me to reach my breaking point.

After our last fight when we almost broke it off (I could see she didn't really want to, and she needs someone to put things in proportions for her at this point in her life, because she can't), I apologized first for what I did wrong, and told her I don't ever want to hear her saying shes leaving me, or that maybe we should break up, just to get a reaction out of me. I told her not say that unless she means it, because I wont stand for it anymore. I wasn't assertive enough with her (my first serious relationship, I still have alot to learn) during the past and decided that my lack of taking action wasn't helping at all, and that I needed to put my foot down more often.

I don't want to paint a picture of her as a bad girlfriend, because she really isn't. We have an amazing time together (we traveled to New York for 2.5 weeks, were together all day everyday and we didn't even have a small argument - we just enjoyed each others' company), but whenever we fight she focuses on the negative too much. We had a SMALL argument last night at a picnic with some friends and her family-friends. She saw an ex of hers there with his girlfriend and I noticed her acting weird and getting kind of quiet. I know that in their relationship of 3 months (when she was 20) they were very much in love, but she drove him away because her self-esteem issues couldn't let her accept his love (her words). She tells me that is what she feels like she is doing now with me. That is nothing new to me, and every fight we had I would always reassure her, to no real avail. But when she started up again last night it was like something inside me snapped.

I asked her at the picnic why she was quiet and she said she didn't like her ex's girlfriend because she didn't feel like they were really in love, and that she was good for him (maybe not like her ex loved her?). I told her that he is a big boy and he can take care of himself, and that nobody knows how a relationship really is except for the couple. Enter argument/cold shoulder. That kind of set off alarm bells in my head, and I asked that night if she still had feelings for him. She told me she doesn't love him in a romantic way anymore, but she loves him as a friend and wants the best for him (she did start crying a little at this point). She isn't jealous of his girlfriend in the sense that she wants to be with her ex, she is jealous that his girlfriend can accept his love when she couldn't with him (which ruined the relationship), and can't with me.

During a given week we MIGHT have 1 or 2 small arguments, but last night she said she was sick of fighting EVERYDAY (Not even CLOSE to true). She said if we aren't saying I love you, having sex, or I don't know what, we are fighting. She told me we don't have anything to talk about (NOT TRUE at all) so we probably fight because we're bored. I've had this sort of conversation with her too many times. So I decided a different take. I just agreed with everything she said, really emphasizing the fact that we always fight. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said "I think we've tried everything we can". I'm pretty sick of this ****... I went along with her and said we should both do some thinking.

So here I am in the morning just really really fed up that we keep coming back to the same point. I am tired of fighting the same fight, hearing the same nonsense. The thing is, I know she wants to be with me, but her constant feeling sorry for herself is taking me towards the breaking point. I need some advice on where to go from here. Maybe someone who went through a similar period can help me.. I'm wondering if being in a relationship is stopping her from moving on. I don't want to lose her or what we have, but I don't think I can live like this for the rest of my life. Is it just a maturity thing that she'll grow out of (it doesn't seem like it)? How can I help her to stop sulking over every little thing that doesn't go her way?

Thanks for taking the time to read all this, it feels great to take this off my chest! And if my english is not entirely correct, I apologize, I am not a native english speaker!

PS I would like to point out that her ex is a family friends' son, and they knew each other for years before they became an item (he is 6 years older than her).

June 9, 2008

Nobody...? I really need some advice. I know it's a long post, but I need someone other than myself's opinion... I am scared to just give up and regret it in 5 years because I didn't exercise every option to try to make this work. She really is an amazing woman, and I need to feel like I've tried everything before I break it off with her...

June 9, 2008

Don't sweat it, I think there are more north americans here than other nationalities, so you may have to wait until evening (our time) to get responses

June 9, 2008

I think your fiance is harboring romantic feelings for the ex-boyfriend.

Before you tie the knot and exchange wedding vows you really need to find ot the true nature of her feelings towards you.

I don't know that you explaining to her how she should feel about the two of you is a particularly useful way to go about it though.

It is a very telling moment that when she saw the ex with another woman she got moody like she still had feelings for him.

June 9, 2008

I think that as much as the two of you appear to sincerely care about each other, the relationship is at a definite impasse because of her constant need to stay mired in stinkin' thinkin' regarding her inability to "accept love" from another. If it's really bothering her, she needs to get off her @zz and do something about it ~ like set up counseling sessions so that she can be equipped with the proper tools to battle the feelings as they arise. Otherwise, this will be the best she can offer you.

and maybe it's time to let her go until she's had a chance to grow. Because apparently, she doesn't seem to think she'll ever love you back the way things are right now ~ sounds like she's mentally creating a relationship where reciprocating love is impossible, even though there is huge potential to be in a give and take relationship.

until she's got her head squared away, the relationship is going to be battered to a point where you're going to be miserable with her.

June 9, 2008

I hate the idea of giving up on this though!... 95% of the time we are so amazing together! It's just this 5% that she always focuses on whenever we fight, and she takes it all way out of proportion.. We wake up every morning cuddling and holding each other before one of us go to work, always sending each other txt messages saying how we love and miss each other... she is such an amazing partner (warm, loving, unselfish when it comes to my needs), and any normal person can see how good we are for each other... So why does she always forget that when we fight??

Maybe I am in denial.. Maybe this being my first love is making it too hard for me to let go of... is giving up on your first love the hardest?

She is still seeing her psychologist, and there is noticeable improvement compared to how it was when we were first together.. I realize this isn't something that will change overnight, but I need to know it isn't hopeless...

June 9, 2008

I hate the idea of giving up on this though!... 95% of the time we are so amazing together!

You think 95% great... she doesn't see it that way.

Look, this is your first GF, and you sound like a really nice guy. You don't know this yet... but there are lots of women out there who are not crazy. You will learn that it's not worth it when the lows are that low.

When she pushes you away... do you think she is testing you?

June 10, 2008

I hate the idea of giving up on this though!... 95% of the time we are so amazing together! It's just this 5% that she always focuses on whenever we fight, and she takes it all way out of proportion..

If one takes your post at face value, she sees the same percentages but reversed. According to you, "she said if we aren't saying I love you, having sex, or I don't know what, we are fighting." Doesn't sound like, at least in her perception, 95% amazing.

Maybe I am in denial.. Maybe this being my first love is making it too hard for me to let go of... is giving up on your first love the hardest?
She is still seeing her psychologist, and there is noticeable improvement compared to how it was when we were first together.. I realize this isn't something that will change overnight, but I need to know it isn't hopeless...

Realize that most successful couples lay the foundation for their ongoing relationship in the first couple of years. I'm not sure what the chances are of overcoming the start you've had - that's a calculation only you can make...

Mr. Lucky

June 10, 2008

When you really love some one, it's worth it to work on the problems. And it sounds like you two really love eachother. The best time to work out these problems is now, BEFORE you get married. Maybe you should consider taking a break for a while, to both work on yourselves and see if you can make improvements. I know several couples who did this before getting married and they say even though it was very hard, it was the best thing they ever did for their relationship. You wrote:

I am tired of fighting the same fight, hearing the same nonsense. The thing is, I know she wants to be with me, but her constant feeling sorry for herself is taking me towards the breaking point.

If you don't make a change now, imagine how tired you are going to be of these same old fights in 5, 10, 20 years? I've been married for 10 years, and I can tell you from experience that things don't just magically get better or change once you are married. Issues that you have in the beginning that you never fully work out will remain issues throughout your marriage, and sometimes they can even get worse over time.

That being said, marriage is also about compromise, and there is no relationship that doesn't have problems in some area. You just have to decide whether dealing with these fights 5% of the time is worth it to have the other 95%, and go in to it knowing and accepting that that is the way it's going to be (not thinking it will change over time, because there's a 99.5% chance that it won't change). If you aren't sure if that 95% will make you truly happy for the rest of your life, then you should take a break now to figure that out for yourself.

You're still young, and there is no rush to get married. I know it seems hard and it seems like it would be a huge deal to take a break and move out after you're already engaged. But don't forget to consider that it's much easier to figure these things out before you are married than afterwards (when moving out means separation or divorce - it's a much bigger deal and much harder to do after you are married.)

Best of luck to you!

June 30, 2008

You have to be able to love yourself before you can truly love another. I hate to break it to you, but she just doesn't sound like she's in a place where she's ready to get married. Try to get her into therapy. It sounds like she's got enough issues for a subscription, and it will be easier to deal with this before the marriage when she mostly has to worry about herself, than in the marriage, when she's got you and possibly children to worry about too, while things are steadily deteriorating. This won't get fixed magically if you get married, and if she is able to work through things after getting married, she may realize she's a different person and wants to be with a different person.

Hate to break it to you, but I guess all you can do is try to help and support her, and figure out what you'll do if she doesn't want the support, or decides she doesn't want you...

by the way, your English was really good, so don't worry about that!

June 30, 2008

When we first met she was very very insecure about herself (from a bad home-life, past relationships - she always left/pushed the guy away before she would be left) and we would fight alot. She would essentially be trying to push me away, always telling me how I deserve better, she's not good enough, etc. No matter what I would tell her it wouldn't make much difference. She went through a period when she would suffer from anxiety attacks (which would always have her asking me why don't I leave, I deserve better, can I really live like this for the rest of my life, etc etc), and I was always by her side supporting her.

Google Borderline Personality Disorder. You haven't said enough to lead me she has this, but enough that I think you might want to look into it.

June 30, 2008

I agree that it's pretty early in your relationship to have such serious problems. If you can and are willing, i would let the relationship end because she is probably going to be a difficult person to live with. HOWEVER, if you are really truly in love with her and willing to make an ongoing effort to stay together, I would definitely insist on counseling, both for you together and for you two separately. I can identify with your girlfriend in many ways. It sounds like a lot of her issues come from insecurity, which is something I battle with every day. So I can sympathize with her and know how awful it is to have such insecurity. It really makes you clueless.

The main point of my post is she has major issues she needs to be willing to work out on her own. In the mean time, there are things you may actually be able to do to minimize arguments. When you two were at the picnic and she was worried about her ex-boyfriend, you said something that I can see set her off, when you said "he's a big boy and can take care of himself". I know it may seem harmless, but it's sort of a snide comment to make and obviously can set a sensitive person off. My husband is very sensitive to the way I word things, so I have learned to be careful about this sort of thing. I know you didn't mean to be insulting, but in a very subtle way that comment insulted her.

June 30, 2008

I hate the idea of giving up on this though!... 95% of the time we are so amazing together!...

If the relationship is 95% perfect, then the 5% wouldn't make you wonder if you should be getting married.

These are questions you need to ask yourself because I promise you it will get worse before it will get better.

Personally, sounds to me like the real problem isn't you or the ex... it's her. She needs to address those things herself and honestly, she might have to do that alone...especially considering that so many of her issues seem to stem from her actions in relationships.

It's not hopeless, but be realistic with yourself...you wouldn't be posting this here if you didn't think there was something wrong.

July 1, 2008

I'm not entirely sure I read your post correctly, but it seemed like you were saying that when you two fight, your gf tends to focus solely on the negative aspects and she determines that the relationship won't last because of it?

I have a tendency to be like that when I argue with my SO. I see all the negatives, none of the positives, and I completely disregard whatever the actual issue was and instead go off about how incompatible we are, etc. A couple things that keep me grounded... when my SO points out to me that I've gone so far off topic that I'm no longer discussing anything we can actually tackle together. The other is when he refocuses the topic back to the issue at hand.

I don't know if that's applicable to your situation, but if you haven't tried it yet, maybe it could help. Also, I think you coddle her too much. She's afraid to get hurt, she pushes you away so you can't cause her pain... boo hoo. She tells you the whole relationship sucks, she's sick of the way things are, and she hurts YOU repeatedly... all so she can avoid a slim potential that she might experience a little pain. She's causing you pain so she won't have to deal with her own. And personally, I think that's an awful way to treat someone. I think you need to spell it out to her... when she tells you that the relationship is bad, tells you that you two fight every day just to push you away, that she's doing to you what she doesn't want someone else to do to her. That she's treating you exactly how she never wants to be treated. Its unfair, it's hurtful, and if she can't make a serious effort at modifying her behavior then she needs to leave.

Her actions though are selfish, and hurtful to you. I don't think it would be doing her any favors by accepting that kind of behavior from her. I think in the long run, accepting this type of behvior will hurt her more then help her.

July 2, 2008

Google Borderline Personality Disorder. You haven't said enough to lead me she has this, but enough that I think you might want to look into it.

I would disagree, I think she suffers from severe depression (I do and I tend to react like the OP's gf when I'm really down). Having said that, yes, she definitely needs therapy and to get better before you two can even think of getting married.

July 3, 2008

I hate the idea of giving up on this though!... 95% of the time we are so amazing together! It's just this 5% that she always focuses on whenever we fight, and she takes it all way out of proportion.. We wake up every morning cuddling and holding each other before one of us go to work, always sending each other txt messages saying how we love and miss each other... she is such an amazing partner (warm, loving, unselfish when it comes to my needs), and any normal person can see how good we are for each other... So why does she always forget that when we fight??
Maybe I am in denial.. Maybe this being my first love is making it too hard for me to let go of... is giving up on your first love the hardest?
She is still seeing her psychologist, and there is noticeable improvement compared to how it was when we were first together.. I realize this isn't something that will change overnight, but I need to know it isn't hopeless...

My ex-fiance and I were quite similar. We were always telling each other that we loved each other, we were bed cuddlers, and everyone told us how happy we seemed together. All of this was true; however, after a lot of "having the same discussion over and over", we just reached a point where we wore each other out and the cuddling became less frequent, the "l love yous" were a little less authentic, and the "happiness" seemed a little more forced and a little more tense.

I would suggest that you and your girlfriend see a therapist as a couple. (Not the same one who has been treating her.) You also might want to see a therapist on your own.

This may sound like an odd suggestion, but would you consider keeping a journal that chronicles the day-to-day tone and events of the relationship. Two of my friends did this when they found that they had radically different perceptions of the quality of the relationship and how much they fought. After a month, they reviewed their respective journals and found that each one was distorting things a little, either positively or negatively. They are still together five years later.

July 4, 2008

I can relate to your story since both long-term relationships I was in, involved women like yours.

Five years later, fell in love with my wife.

I'm not clear if you and your wife are still married?

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On the brink of ending it with my fiancee... Need a woman's perpsective!

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