mollers Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I think I have been coping quite well. It has been 5 weeks since we split up. I have kept my appearance good, I have been meeting friends, I have booked myself a holiday, put my house up for sale, and generally tried to keep a positive frame of mind. I have been feeling quite upbeat for the last couple of weeks. I am telling myself that I am doing really well and that I am coping, and can have a good life without my ex. And then....today I'm stood in the shower, congratulating myself once again for my positive outlook, and this devil voice appears in my head, saying 'But are you really happy, are you really coping, if you could give all of this up and go back to having him in your life, would you?'. And the answer was yes Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't really want to do this and take a backwards step, but it has got me thinking, am I really coping and getting over him, or am I just pretending to myself? I went to a garden party yesterday and was surrounded by couples and I kept watching them, seeing the little looks between them, and picturing me and him doing the same, and I had tears in my eyes (luckily it was a sunny day and I had sunglasses on so nobody knew)....but it sometimes feels as if I am going through 'coping' motions but I don't really believe them. Anyone else have these nasty thoughts?
borelandkaren Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I think I have been coping quite well. It has been 5 weeks since we split up. I have kept my appearance good, I have been meeting friends, I have booked myself a holiday, put my house up for sale, and generally tried to keep a positive frame of mind. I have been feeling quite upbeat for the last couple of weeks. I am telling myself that I am doing really well and that I am coping, and can have a good life without my ex. And then....today I'm stood in the shower, congratulating myself once again for my positive outlook, and this devil voice appears in my head, saying 'But are you really happy, are you really coping, if you could give all of this up and go back to having him in your life, would you?'. And the answer was yes Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't really want to do this and take a backwards step, but it has got me thinking, am I really coping and getting over him, or am I just pretending to myself? I went to a garden party yesterday and was surrounded by couples and I kept watching them, seeing the little looks between them, and picturing me and him doing the same, and I had tears in my eyes (luckily it was a sunny day and I had sunglasses on so nobody knew)....but it sometimes feels as if I am going through 'coping' motions but I don't really believe them. Anyone else have these nasty thoughts? All the time and thank god for sunnies! We all go through exactly the same thing. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. And "pretending" to yourself will eventually become "normal" everyday living. Take care of yourself.
Author mollers Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 All the time and thank god for sunnies! We all go through exactly the same thing. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. And "pretending" to yourself will eventually become "normal" everyday living. Take care of yourself. Thanks BorelandKaren. I sort of suspected this was the case but sometimes I feel I am losing my mind! And yes, thank god for sunglasses. I wonder if this was the real reason they were invented!
foxh1234 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I also wonder if I am coping or just putting on a brave face for the world. I think about her everyday, not all day but every few minutes for sure. I am in better shape than last month or the month before, but it is a slow crawl out of this hole. Keep doing what your doing and you will get better. It is as simple as that.
stlnsmile Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I think for me, its been five months since the break, it was never about not caring about him any more, I always will, it is about accepting his choice. I can care about him and want him all I want, but I have to accept he does not feel the same. Once I did that, I was good. Acceptance can take a long long time. So don't feel bad, just realise its not about NOT having feelings for someone, or never feeling like you wish you could be with them, its about getting to the point where you are okay with the decision they have made. I know, sounds kind of like they have the power, but really they don't, cause you are very free at that point, trust me, I am finally over it and dating again seriously for the first time since the break, I am blissfully happy right now. Yeah I miss him every once in a while, but life goes on, and there is a big wonderful world out there for me to see and I intend to do just that. And no, I never would want him back. Ever! Yes, I used to feel like I would trade the world or my soul for just one more day, one more shot, one more chance to just be with him. Now, there is not enough room in my world for him. My world is mine and I don't want him in it. So it will change, I promis.
Author mollers Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 I think for me, its been five months since the break, it was never about not caring about him any more, I always will, it is about accepting his choice. I can care about him and want him all I want, but I have to accept he does not feel the same. Once I did that, I was good. Acceptance can take a long long time. So don't feel bad, just realise its not about NOT having feelings for someone, or never feeling like you wish you could be with them, its about getting to the point where you are okay with the decision they have made. I know, sounds kind of like they have the power, but really they don't, cause you are very free at that point, trust me, I am finally over it and dating again seriously for the first time since the break, I am blissfully happy right now. Yeah I miss him every once in a while, but life goes on, and there is a big wonderful world out there for me to see and I intend to do just that. And no, I never would want him back. Ever! Yes, I used to feel like I would trade the world or my soul for just one more day, one more shot, one more chance to just be with him. Now, there is not enough room in my world for him. My world is mine and I don't want him in it. So it will change, I promis. Thanks for this. I don't know if I will ever be ok with the decision he made, because I think I sort of lost my respect for him with the way it happened. I know that that will sound messed up, as I have lost my respect for him, but I still long to be in his arms...work that one out if you can! As I said, I would never take the backward step to him, as even 5 weeks down the line I thinkI am a much changed person, definitely stronger and feeling much more my own person. It's just the waiting that I am finding difficult, waiting for it to feel normal, and for being on my own to be 'the norm' rather than something new. I am so pleased that you say there is not enough room in your world for your ex. You are right, we are our own little world and I am working towards loving that.
stlnsmile Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 It took a long time for me to feel okay on my own. There is a void when someone leave, a huge void. And you feel like, what the hell am I going to ever replace him with. But you do, part of that is just putting one foot infront of the other at first. But then you start to see that your life, and you have merit with out him. I mean your life had merit before him right? It will again. I loved my ex, I really did, I still do in some ways. He was my first love and I think I always will. And our break was not clean either, it was horrible. He was with someone but 4 weeks later. I hated the person he became, and still do, it is someone I do not know. But now I find myself hoping like hell he's happy, because I am and I don't want him to come back. I am just starting something wonderful with someone wonderful, and it took a really long time to even think about someone else. The idea of actually sitting next to someone else used to make me physically sick. I just couldn't. But you get to this point, and I can't tell you where or when it will happen for you, that you realize, your going to be okay, and that you are actually looking forward to what the future holds for you. It took me a long long time. And there are still days that I miss him and go over all the stuff I did wrong. There are still days that I feel like maybe I should have done this or maybe I should have done that. But like ohpenelopes saying at the bottom of her page says "No one who thinks you or your relationship are dispendable is worth your time (or love). My ex thought I was replacable, like a tradable commodity, he thought that I was dispendable, and no one who feels that way about me deserves one thing from me, not one thing, and certainly not the most cherished thing I have to give, my love and adoration. You'll be okay...one foot infront of the other....it will get better. And you may even see one day, that your life is really better with out him in it.
Author mollers Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 It took a long time for me to feel okay on my own. There is a void when someone leave, a huge void. And you feel like, what the hell am I going to ever replace him with. But you do, part of that is just putting one foot infront of the other at first. But then you start to see that your life, and you have merit with out him. I mean your life had merit before him right? It will again. I loved my ex, I really did, I still do in some ways. He was my first love and I think I always will. And our break was not clean either, it was horrible. He was with someone but 4 weeks later. I hated the person he became, and still do, it is someone I do not know. But now I find myself hoping like hell he's happy, because I am and I don't want him to come back. I am just starting something wonderful with someone wonderful, and it took a really long time to even think about someone else. The idea of actually sitting next to someone else used to make me physically sick. I just couldn't. But you get to this point, and I can't tell you where or when it will happen for you, that you realize, your going to be okay, and that you are actually looking forward to what the future holds for you. It took me a long long time. And there are still days that I miss him and go over all the stuff I did wrong. There are still days that I feel like maybe I should have done this or maybe I should have done that. But like ohpenelopes saying at the bottom of her page says "No one who thinks you or your relationship are dispendable is worth your time (or love). My ex thought I was replacable, like a tradable commodity, he thought that I was dispendable, and no one who feels that way about me deserves one thing from me, not one thing, and certainly not the most cherished thing I have to give, my love and adoration. You'll be okay...one foot infront of the other....it will get better. And you may even see one day, that your life is really better with out him in it. I totally agree with the line that anyone who assesses me or my time as disposable is not worthy of me, or my pining over them. And it is this thought that keeps me going. I am so pleased for you that you have found such happiness again. And I totally empathise with the bit about feeling physically sick even at the thought of sitting next to someone else! LOL! I think the break up has done one good thing for me, and that is to have shown me how I had become defined by the relationship. I adapted to him and his lifestyle rather than him to mine. When the relationship ended, I was left with nothing, as I had been consumed with his life. He carried on as normal while I felt as if my world had collapsted. I have had my eyes opened and this will never happen to me again. I have a feeling that my life will be better without him, I am just waiting for it to be confirmed. Thanks for your posts.
stlnsmile Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Ah yes, the old sacrifice everything for the one you love bit. Yeah I did that too. And that is exactly what makes us stronger when it ends. When you get through the storm, and you see the sun again, and you realize you gave WAAAAAYYYY too much and that it was not equal, you won't ever do that again. When you are giving, in the future, you will realize you are and you will do it purposefully and with knowledge, because you want to. It makes your next relationship more equal I think. I know the new guy I am dating, he has waited for me for 6 months. I met him two weeks after my ex left. But I was not ready for anything with anyone. And no he is not the stalker type, he is anything but that, he is solid. And here is the funny thing, with my ex I was so needy and dependant, that I could have never beared the seperation we were getting ready to go through. Now with new guy, he is going into the military, and I think I know now why I had to go through what I did, because I had to be strong enough to deal with that seperation and be okay on my own. I think that it all happens for a reason. I really do. I am stronger because of it, and I am okay on my own. For the first time in my life I feel like a whole person in my own right. You are healing. That is what I wanted to tell you. Even though it does not seem like it at times. You will come to new realizations each day about the relationship, and him. And those things that you find will help you to move on. But it is a neccessary process. And thats the biggest thing I want to tell you. You have to go through this so you can get over it. You have to have these thoughts, and doubts, and fears, and lonliness, crying and all of that stuff to get to the other side. The other side that includes a really strong you. One who will have so much to offer the next person who comes along. And yes, eventually, in time....someone will. When you are ready.
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