toni1930 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I have been dating a guy for 7 months. He has a female friend who ips recently divorced. I never met her, but from what he has told me, she is sort of unstable. About a month ago, he told me he had to run out one night after she had a fight with a boyfriend so he could pick her up. He told me he spent the night on her sofa and then the boyfriend showed up in the morning. This past Saturday my boyfriend and I had plans to go out. I was getting ready for the date when he called and left a message on my voicemail saying he had to run over to this girl's because she called him and was having a "meltdown." He said he felt bad, but really felt he needed to be with her. I tried to call he back about 5 minutes after he left this message and he didn't answer. I left a message that I was a little upset and to call me back. He didn't call me back. I called him two more times and by this time I wasn't really upset. Finally, on the fourth try which was about 4 hours later, he picked up the phone. I was really upset and crying but he told me he couldn't talk to me and that he was still with this girl. I really felt hurt that he broke the date the way he did and then didn't pick up the phone to at least talk to me. Here he was consoling her, but he didn't have two minutes to talk to me. I know this sounds kind of selfish. I don't expect him to give her up as a friend, but I don't think it is right that he would just ditch me to go and console her. Now I am the one that is upset and he is not calling me. I think he is mad that I got upset about the whole situation. I am not a perfect person, I am capable of getting upset from time to time. I tried to call him but he won't return my call now. Any advice is helpful and appreciated.
Star Gazer Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I would NOT be comfortable with such a situation unless I had met the girl and had spent enough time with her to establish a baseline of trust. Your BF's behavior is unacceptable, IMO. It's one thing to be a supportive friend, but he must balance that against also being a good boyfriend.
dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 If it were me, I'd be pissed off. After you've calm down some, I'd have a talk with him and let him know how this situation is making you feel. Don't make it out so it sounds like you don't trust him though, but explain that it hurts that he has all the time in the world for this girl, and he keeps putting you on the side for her.
BrooklynBridge Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Simple, just ask him how he would react if the roles were identically reversed. I'd be livid if my GF did that to me. Lucky for me, I'm single, yay!!
SpikeyChick Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 He told me he spent the night on her sofa and then the boyfriend showed up in the morning. THis is where you should have either bailed, or told him that this situation is NOT ok. A relationship which is healthy requires both parties to afford it PRIMACY.. Each becomes the 'main event' in the other person's life, and the health of the relationship is paramount. . Your SO comes before your friends, sisters, brothers, parents. co-workers and all others. This is a two way street ladies, and if you want, and expect, to be given priority by your man, then you need to place HIM and his needs over and above all of the other people in your life. The OP is upset (and rightly so ) because her B/f placed a higher priority on attending to his "unstable friend " over the OP .. - a very bad move.
Author toni1930 Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 Thank you for your replies. I did let him know that I was not okay with him putting her ahead of me. I guess he took that as me telling him what to do and now he won't talk to me at all. He told me he would call me yesterday morning, but never did. I am totally stunned because I never would have thought he would do something like this. This is the first argument we have had and it looks to be the last. Everything seemed fine until that night, but my guess now is that he just isn't as interested in me as I thought he was. Again, thank you for your input. Having outside opinions really makes me feel better.
BrooklynBridge Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Thank you for your replies. I did let him know that I was not okay with him putting her ahead of me. I guess he took that as me telling him what to do and now he won't talk to me at all. He told me he would call me yesterday morning, but never did. I am totally stunned because I never would have thought he would do something like this. This is the first argument we have had and it looks to be the last. Everything seemed fine until that night, but my guess now is that he just isn't as interested in me as I thought he was. Again, thank you for your input. Having outside opinions really makes me feel better. No offense, he sounds like a total douchebag.
dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I don't want to jump to conclusions, but is it possible that there's something going on between him and his girl?
Author toni1930 Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 He says there is nothing going on with her and that she is just a friend. I have my doubts now though since he dropped me like a hot potato. Listen to this -- he is a Giant's fan and he had the opportunity to go to the Superbowl, but he didn't go because he told her he would help her move. I told him that she would probably understand if he went to the Superbowl, but he didn't go and helped her move. The Superbowl! He could have watched the Giant's win! How often does one get the opportunity to see their team in the Super Bowl. One other thing is that he was friends with both her and her recently ex-husband, but now the ex-husband doesn't talk to him anymore because of this "friendship." I asked him to be honest with me the other night and he told me she was just a friend and he would call me in the morning, but of course, no call. I know that I have to move on from this. I know when I have been had because I have plenty of experience. I am just so tired of dating for crying out loud. I'm 39 years old, I've dated guys from all different backgrounds, but I always wind up with the same crap! He once told me he was glad I wasn't a drama queen like this "friend." I guess he really is looking for more drama than I can give him after all.
dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 He says there is nothing going on with her and that she is just a friend. I have my doubts now though since he dropped me like a hot potato. Listen to this -- he is a Giant's fan and he had the opportunity to go to the Superbowl, but he didn't go because he told her he would help her move. I told him that she would probably understand if he went to the Superbowl, but he didn't go and helped her move. The Superbowl! He could have watched the Giant's win! How often does one get the opportunity to see their team in the Super Bowl. One other thing is that he was friends with both her and her recently ex-husband, but now the ex-husband doesn't talk to him anymore because of this "friendship." I asked him to be honest with me the other night and he told me she was just a friend and he would call me in the morning, but of course, no call. I know that I have to move on from this. I know when I have been had because I have plenty of experience. I am just so tired of dating for crying out loud. I'm 39 years old, I've dated guys from all different backgrounds, but I always wind up with the same crap! He once told me he was glad I wasn't a drama queen like this "friend." I guess he really is looking for more drama than I can give him after all. You've been dealing with this since the Superbowl??
Author toni1930 Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 Yes, since the Superbowl. I didn't want him to think that I didn't want him to be friends with her -- I have male friends too. But, the other night was the first time she interfered with us. Or I should say he let her interfere with us. She has been divorced for quite a few months now. It's like he is on 24 hour call with this girl and has to go to her everytime she has a breakdown.
dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I think you need to move on. If he's going to put this girl before you, he's crossing a line. If he's not willing to talk about it, or take some responsibility - there's nothing more you can do. I'm sorry you've been dealing with this for so long, I think you've been extremely understanding. Find a man who will give you the attention you deserve, and not leave you high and dry like this.
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