nikes612 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 She flew out and stayed with me for a week. It was a very interesting week to say the least. A little backround - Together 6 months, first 3 were LD, last 3 we lived together. I'm 25, she's 21. She was having family issues right before she moved back (2000 miles away). When she moved back, we were technically still together, as she didn't know if she'd be returning or not..which she ended up not coming back. We broke up 2 weeks after she had left...kept in LC, 90% of the contact was on her behalf. We had been apart for 2 months, and she kept going back and forth with wanting to come to visit for her bday, to not wanting to come, and finally just bought a ticket and came. This was 2 weeks ago. She arrived Monday morning, on virtually no sleep. I picked her up, and she was already upset. Her suitcase had been broken apart when it came through baggage claim, and her other bag was open with stuff all over. So rightfully so, she was a little upset. We get back to the house and she immediately hits the bed, and tells me to come lay with her "we have a lot of catching up to do". That "catching up" was us sleeping, cuddling, and her watching me sleep. Go to my buddies that night, watch a movie, come home, wrap ourselves up in each other and go to sleep. Tuesday - We rent a car to go up to a hot spot for her birthday (3 hours away). We arrive at my mothers, eat dinner, her and my mom hit it off, and catch a movie that night. She's laying all over me at the theater, we get home, cuddle up again, and go to sleep. Wednesday - Her birthday. Drive up to have lunch with my brother, take her around this beautiful lake, we take pictures of each other and just hang out. Get back to my mothers, and she had a cake, lit up with candles and a beautiful purse my mother had gotten her. She just about tears up with thank you's, we take some more pictures, and get ready for the night. We hit the casino, then take off to go to 3 strip clubs (it was her 21st afterall After the second club we were both pretty tipsy, and ended up making out in the parking lot, until we both fell over, laid there and laughed to tears. Hit the 3rd club, got her a bday lapdance, and by 3 am we were spent. Went back to the house, and much of what happened from there is a blur. We ended up sleeping together, I remember pieces of it. Do remember us BOTH being very much into it. Thursday - time to hit the road and head back home. She wakes up and asks me why she isn't wearing underwear, I laugh and say "are you kidding me" she says "you took advantage of me?", half joking, half serious, I ignored it, we packed and got on the road. She slept the first hour, woke up and rubbed my head on n off for the next 2 hours while I drove. We laughed about the previous night, and things seemed good. Went out later that night with a mutual friend to a couple bars, and she started acting cold out of no where. I asked what was up, but she didn't comply so I let it be. Got home, cuddled up again, and went to bed. Friday - I wake up and she won't even look at me. I ask again what is wrong, to which she says "I never thought I'd be disrespected by you" I was SHOCKED, and said "I know you're not talking about us sleeping together" She says she is, and not remembers "everything" And says she remembers saying no. Says "Is that what you wanted me to come here for, sex?" Which I thought was funny, considering she'd been here 2 days BEFORE that night, and I never once tried getting sex. Then told me I'm not "different" from any other of her exes, and what makes me so special? Last time I checked, you don't cuddle, hold hands, and act like you're WITH your ex. Whether she said it or not, I really don't know, but like I said she was JUST as into it as I was. Ohh's Ahhh's and everything inbetween. I ask her to sit with me and talk, and she says she has nothing to say. So I ask her to just listen to me then. She sits down, and I simply ask what has been up with her lately, and what's with the hot/cold emotions I get. She ends up breaking down (never been one to express her feelings), and starts talking about her family back home. How she's so much "worse off" now, than she was when she lived here. How she just feels alone, and how depressed she is. I just listened, for a good 30 mins while she opened up like she never has before. I teared up just listening, and we ended it with a couple laughs, a big fat hug, and went shopping. Went into the city, walked around, hand in hand, had lunch. That night went to this bar/club, had drinks, played pool, and hit the dance floor. She was dancing ALLLLLLLL over me, and I was her, every once in a while she'd push me back, but would always come back to me. Got home, my buddy was over having drinks, and I was pretty drunk by this point. I started jokingly giving her crap about this guy she hangs out with back home. Saying "I hope he treats you good", just being a jerk. She reciprocated and gave me a little crap, and somewhere I ended up losing it, telling her to pack her stuff and I wanted her gone tomorrow. Saturday - I wake up, and the first thought that pops up in my mind was how big of a jerk I was the night before. I immediately apologize, to which I get "I don't want to hear it". I accepted that, and just said "just know I apologize". I started picking up around the house, and after 20 mins of silence she tells me to never expect her to open up to me again. This started an argument, we both got heated, knowing I was going to say things I didn't want to, I called a friend to come get me. I took a shower, calmed down, and started picking up a little more before I was going to leave. After 30 mins she asks why I'm leaving. I tell her I just need to be away from her right now. She keeps asking why, why can't I just talk to her, where am I going, etc. I'm putting my shoes on, she sits down next to me and says "Just talk to me, please just talk to me". I flat out tell her "Look, I thought I was over you, but having you here proved me wrong. I'm still in love with you, and realize it would never work". She says nothing. I leave, she goes out with mutual friends, and we end up meeting up back here at 12am. Go out for drinks with a few people, she plastered, I stay sober enough. Party ends up back at my place, she's doing shot after shot (not a drinker) and soon enough was in the bathroom praying to the porcelin god. Then got in the shower, and after an hour there was no shower running, but she still hadn't came out. I went in, found her wrapped in a towel, laying in the bathtub. I kicked everyone out, physically picked her out of the tub, put her in a robe and put her to bed. Sunday - She missed her 12pm flight. I woke up at 11, all her stuff was here but she was gone. She walks in an hour later, we both just laugh knowing she missed her flight, and she asks if I wanna go get breakfast, her treat. We go eat, come back, bake in the sun for 2 hours, come back inside and I pop a movie in. Lay down on the bed, and 2 seconds later she's wrapped up on me like my siamese twin. Rubbing my chest, putting my hand on her butt (she always liked my butt rubs), we lay watching the movie rubbing each other all over. I WANTED to put the moves on, but her words of me "taking advantage" kept replaying in my head. We talked, laughed, and had the best day/night since she had been here. Ended the night watching another movie, cuddled up til we fell asleep. I walked her to the taxi the next morning, we hugged, kissed, and I walked away. She yelled, I turned around and she just said "Thank you ***", and got in. We talked lastnight for a short couple of mins online, to which she thanked me again. My mother had invited her out for Xmas, and when I later asked her if she was gonna go she said "probably not, I should spend it with my family" no biggie. I get online today and have a comment from her, asking for me to send the pictures we took..."I had a great time with you <3333333" "I miss the strippers always...and oh, you too "love you..see you on xmas, hopefully sooner!". Then the following day.. Me [8:19 P.M.]: im out for a lil bit..if u got more send um Me [8:20 P.M.]: n if i dont speak to u, no riding the train tonight Me [8:20 P.M.]: love you s*&^head Her signed off at 9:25 P.M. Her is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in. Her signed on at 9:26 P.M. Her [8:22 P.M.]: where u going silly Auto response from me [8:22 P.M.]: sushaaaaaaaay! Her [8:23 P.M.]: cool, enjoy. bye<3 Me [9:48 P.M.]: yum yum Her [9:52 P.M.]: lolol Me [9:56 P.M.]: lol Me [9:56 P.M.]: what u doin Her signed off at 10:01 P.M. Her is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in. Her signed on at 10:02 P.M. Her is away at 10:03 P.M. Her [10:06 P.M.]: talking to ***** Her [10:06 P.M.]: and *** Me [10:06 P.M.]: word Me [10:07 P.M.]: glad yall talkin again Me [10:07 P.M.]: how is XXXXX a new sn? Her [10:08 P.M.]: well going back to that 1 Me [10:08 P.M.]: ooooook Her [10:09 P.M.]: who did u go to sushi with? Me [10:11 P.M.]: ****** Her [10:13 P.M.]: how did that go? Me [10:13 P.M.]: good Her [10:13 P.M.]: well then how did it end Me [10:14 P.M.]: fine..she asked why i didn't call her when i got back, n i told her Her [10:14 P.M.]: damn yd u tell her Me [10:14 P.M.]: n she acted all upset i was just like look theres some things u dont know Her [10:14 P.M.]: bad move. Me [10:14 P.M.]: naw Me [10:14 P.M.]: she's cool with it Her [10:15 P.M.]: o ok Me [10:15 P.M.]: cuz she's been actin all weird Her [10:16 P.M.]: how so? Me [10:17 P.M.]: I guess her friend saw us walking on XXXXX on Sunday Me [10:49 P.M.]: oh, we done talkin? Me [10:49 P.M.]: my bad...have a good night Her [11:15 P.M.]: sleeping? Her [11:15 P.M.]: we didnt go out sunday lol Me [11:16 P.M.]: she said she seen us walkin on XXXXX Her [11:17 P.M.]: we didnt wlak on XXXXX lol Me [11:17 P.M.]: we went to the XXXXXX n that boutique Her [11:21 P.M.]: o lol Her [11:22 P.M.]: y she didnt say hi My ex, and this girl I'm "talking" to don't know each other. Of course she won't stop to say hi. The other girl new my ex was in town. She waited 10 mins after I got back from eating to ask who I was with. Does it really matter? Then it turns to this... Me [11:26 P.M.]: holler Her [11:27 P.M.]: holluh Me [11:27 P.M.]: holla Her [11:29 P.M.]: hol.ah Me [11:29 P.M.]: hola Me [11:29 P.M.]: ohhhhhhhhhh Her [11:29 P.M.]: jajajaja Her [11:29 P.M.]: good1 Me [11:30 P.M.]: knew you'd like that Me [11:30 P.M.]: ohhhh Me [11:30 P.M.]: they knockin livin dead girl downstairs Her [11:42 P.M.]: lol Her [11:42 P.M.]: what u doing now? Me [11:44 P.M.]: talkin to my boy Me [11:44 P.M.]: n dling music Her [11:45 P.M.]: ok Her [11:45 P.M.]: miss you [; Me [11:45 P.M.]: how could you not? ;] Her [11:46 P.M.]: jaja Her [11:46 P.M.]: conceited in the face *** Me [11:46 P.M.]: real Me [11:47 P.M.]: i miss ur breath Her [11:47 P.M.]: fowl lol Me [11:47 P.M.]: ur breath? most def Me [11:47 P.M.]: Her [11:48 P.M.]: omg Her [11:48 P.M.]: the worst. Next day..I was sick, and this is what I got.. Her [2:05 P.M.]: hey Auto response from Me [2:05 P.M.]: sick. watchin movies. Her [2:06 P.M.]: aw<3 thats what u get for kissing sick girls ;p She then called the minute I got back from away, asking how I was feeling and who was "over here", wth? Why would you assume ANYONE was over being I'm SICK, derf derf. Then that same night... Her [10:39 P.M.]: omg Her [10:39 P.M.]: i love picture #4 (picture 4 was of us hugging and kissing) Me [10:39 P.M.]: right Me [10:39 P.M.]: finally a picture together where we both look happy Her [10:41 P.M.]: lol Her [10:41 P.M.]: is that it? Me [10:41 P.M.]: yea thats all she sent Her [10:41 P.M.]: thanks Her [10:41 P.M.]: dont ofrget the ones from ur mom tom!!! Me [10:41 P.M.]: yup Me [10:41 P.M.]: i'll send um tomorrow Her [10:42 P.M.]: what special delivery did u recieve haha Me [10:42 P.M.]: here we go Me [10:42 P.M.]: why u so lame Her [10:42 P.M.]: why are YOU so lame Me [10:43 P.M.]: i keep it real sweetheart Her [10:43 P.M.]: because i hate how i have to ASK.. instea d of u telling me Me [10:43 P.M.]: telling you what? lol Her [10:43 P.M.]: ok fine. Me [10:43 P.M.]: u act like Her [10:43 P.M.]: forget it. Me [10:43 P.M.]: u tell me bout every aspect of ur life Me [10:43 P.M.]: alright Her [10:43 P.M.]: bye. Me [10:43 P.M.]: lol? Me [10:43 P.M.]: later Online lastnight, she hit me up, I didn't respond. I knew she was on drugs and sent me "I love you..I really do..you're my bestfriend". This afternoon, she hit me up again, with small talk, to which I responded very vague "cool..nice..yeah". She called immediately, and asked what was wrong. Asked me to just be honest, and said "Just tell me what you want..friends..to try and work things out..what is it" I told her. Told her having her here reminded me of the good times, reminded me of how much I loved her, and missed her, and wanted to start all over, fresh. As I suspected, she told me she couldn't give that to me. Told me how much she loved me, how much she cared, but knew she couldn't be with me, or anyone right now. Which truly, I understand. She's battling her demons, demons meaning drugs, and doesn't know up from down. She told me she needs help, admitted it openly. I respect her for that, and love her so much it hurts. I asked her what was up with the cuddling, holding hands stuff when she was here to which she replied "It just felt right". Again kept telling me how much I meant to her, how it's just her family (mom, dad, bro) her best childhood friend, and me that mean anything to her right now. Which knowing her "friends" and her background, I believe. She kept asking "so what now, what's next" I said I don't know, that right now I'm not ready to be just her friend. She then said she'd been up over 24 hours, and will probably feel differently tomorrow, I know she's on drugs, as we're talking, yet she's talking more openly and realy to me then she ever has. She tells me she wants me to go out, and meet new girls, and says "You're such a good guy, you have your fault, believe me, but sometimes I think you deserve so much better than me..why do you love me so much XXX I'm a mess". Which is the truth. Then the conversation basically just went in circles. Me wanting more, her trying to reason with me to just be there for her. I know now more than anything she NEEDS a friend, but I really can't give her all that I can, and I know she understands that, even if just a little. I told her I'd contact her when I was ready to talk be "friends" whatever. I got pictures from my mother yesterday, from her trip here the other week, which she'd been anxiously awaiting so I sent them to her last night, and I get this in return.. Her [11:29 A.M.]: they came out so good! Her [11:30 A.M.]: damn i miss you, hope you miss me too. i guess hit me back when you want. love you always through thick and thin<3 ciao.xo Why do they feel the need to reassure us they love us. What was the point in telling me you missed me and "hope I'm missing you too". OF COURSE I MISS YOU, HENCE THE REASON I CAN'T TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW! "I guess hit me back when YOU want". It hasn't even been 24 hours, we've went a week with NC, what's the hurry now? Gaaaaaaaaaaaah, today sucks I'm sorry this is so long, I'm just one big brain of thoughts right now, and im probably repeating myself over and over.
Author nikes612 Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 One whole day of NC, and this is what I get next.. Her [1:08 P.M.]: so its me who has to suffer? Me [1:09 P.M.]: what? lol Her [1:16 P.M.]: why do u not tlak to me? why do u do things the way you do Me [1:16 P.M.]: who the is this? Her [1:16 P.M.]: i know we said ud come to me when u are ready a nd stuff... but u never do Her [1:17 P.M.]: its XXXXX... i imd u yest telling u this wa smy new sn Me[1:17 P.M.]: i didnt get any imz from this sn yesterday Her [1:17 P.M.]: well i imd u and told u Me [1:17 P.M.]: its been one day XXX...u think ur the only one suffering? Me [1:18 P.M.]: u think its easy for me? Her [1:18 P.M.]: 1 day? naw we aint speak a t all yest. Me [1:18 P.M.]: alight a day in a half Her [1:21 P.M.]: ........ Her [1:21 P.M.]: but we been thru this already Her [1:21 P.M.]: where we dont speak and it doesnt work out Her [1:21 P.M.]: why do we repeat this **** Me [1:22 P.M.]: we never been through it, it was the same ****, we didn't talk for a day..n the next day we talked n talked ever since Her [1:22 P.M.]: alright then Her [1:22 P.M.]: so whatsup? Her [1:22 P.M.]: ;] Me [1:22 P.M.]: naw man Me [1:22 P.M.]: u dont get it Me [1:23 P.M.]: ur the only person in my life I wanna talk to right now Her [1:23 P.M.]: so then do that Me [1:23 P.M.]: but i KNOW its not gonna do me any good when im still in love with u XXX Me [1:23 P.M.]: dont u get that? Her [1:24 P.M.]: well the ebst way is to KEEP talking Me [1:24 P.M.]: i want to get over this, and be me again Her [1:24 P.M.]: duh Me [1:24 P.M.]: where do u get ur logic from? Her [1:24 P.M.]: XXX logic. Her [1:24 P.M.]: it usually works. Me [1:25 P.M.]: so let u benefit from talking to me, cuz that's what u want, to be friends... Me [1:25 P.M.]: and just drag myself through the mud, in the process? Her [1:25 P.M.]: no but tis true.. if u keep talking tot he person u get used to it Her [1:25 P.M.]: no? Me [1:25 P.M.]: naw dont work like that sweetheart Her [1:25 P.M.]: not at all. Her [1:25 P.M.]: if ur eally dont wanan talk fine XXX.. i can delet e u off my b/l and jsut hope that ull come back one day and be ready Her [1:26 P.M.]: but ic ant se eu on my b/l and stuff and not im u Me [1:26 P.M.]: why? u have 72585725 aol buddies u can talk to Her [1:26 P.M.]: pls Me [1:27 P.M.]: what happened to that album u was makin Her [1:27 P.M.]: this sn is b/l only i have 12 buddles and half of thema re double sn's Me [1:27 P.M.]: and ur always on 2 sns Her [1:27 P.M.]: what album Her [1:27 P.M.]: u havent sent me all the pics Me [1:27 P.M.]: lol Her [1:28 P.M.]: im w8n for the pics still Me [1:28 P.M.]: yea alight Her [1:28 P.M.]: when r us ending them? Me [1:28 P.M.]: ur like a drug to me XXX Me [1:29 P.M.]: and it sucks Me [1:29 P.M.]: there's only 1 or 2 pics..i talked to my mom, and she's gonna have to have XXXXX send um Her [1:33 P.M.]: alright. Her is away at 1:34 P.M. Her [1:35 P.M.]: alright, sorry for iming you, I really am. take care, hit me back though dont forget me please.<3 love you through thicka nd thin.
Author nikes612 Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 anyone? I know it's long, but I could really use a little input.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 You're right she is like a drug. You either put up with it, or you learn to move on to something better. Obviously she has her own problems, and you being in love with her is not going to help or change her in anyway. You're being dragged down by her actions, and you're allowing it to happen because having her around to play with your feelings is better than not talking to her in the long run. Obviously the only one she can worry about right now is herself, so you need to overlook the intimate week the both of you have. You're overanalyzing it thinking that the reason she had sex with you was because she felt something. Maybe she did, but have you considered that the only reason she left home to be with you was because you were the farthest place from the reality that she has to face. You're the pit stop from all the bull**** in her life. If you want the best for her and yourself, distance yourself from her, be her friend. You can't expect from her what she can't give you.
Author nikes612 Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 Thanks for the brutally honest post. I'm 99.4 % sure the reason she moved here was because it was the furthest from her messed up reality she could get. And 5 months later, her "reality" is deeper, more hurtful, and depressive than it was when she was here. I really DO want to be her friend, but I'm supposed to push all my feelings aside, my beliefs to be her "friend"? I'm not the perfect man, but I'm a GOOD man. As much as I want to be her friend right now, how am I supposed to deal, knowing what we have in that moment, isn't equal...someone is going to be short-changed.
Template Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Dang, this was really hard to read, not because of the length but because I can sympathize with how you feel. I am currently in the process of getting over a woman in which I have had very deep feelings for. She would treat me with the intimacy that I wanted, then turn around and say she just wants to be friends. While your girl is suffering from drug problems, mine is suffering from psychological and emtional problems. Different but equally powerful. As much as you want to be there for her as a friend, I know it's really difficult, when their action suggest otherwise, and yet they keep on insisting on the friendship. As for for your situation Nike, a person cannot change unless they themselves want to. If one cannot muster the courage and motivation to be a better person, they will never be. With you being there they way you are, I don't see that happening from her. In her eyes, her life isn't that bad; sure she has problems, but you are always there to help her, or be her emotional toilet, or her crutch. Unless she sees a reason to get better she won't. If her love for you is that important, and she truly wants to have your love, then maybe walking away and letting her be is truly the answer. Just initiate NC, and let your heart heal. Y'all are young, so you have plenty of time, and who knows what the future may bring.
clairebear Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 let her know you will be there for her when she gets herself clean, and walk away. otherwise she will drag you down and do who-knows-what to your head...all this will pickle your mind!! she has enough to deal with i guess without this drama. don't tell her you love her - just let her know you two can be good friends if and when she beats the drugs. don't get dragged down too.
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