n9688m Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I keep reading here about NC as a good approach after a divorce. But how can you achieve that if you have kids and are sharing custody? Or is this just not applicable in that situation? My STBXW wants to "stay friends" so we can function as co-parents but I am unsure where to draw that line.
LostHusband Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I'm in the same boat. My STBXW also wants to keep me as a friend. But I don't know if I can really do that, sure I can be friendly to her, but probably not hang out and do stuff with her. Basically just go for minimal contact, just say hi to her talk about non-content type stuff when you pick up the kids or drop them off, and just talk about the kids when you call, or ask to talk to the kids. That's what I'm going for anyway. Kind of hard to do for me right now though since she is still in the process of moving so I still see her all the time. I'd also appreciate any advice on this since I am new to it myself.
Gunny376 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 LH's got it right. Just keep any and all conversation short and sweet and limited to about the children and their welfare ~ beyond that ~ keep any and all topics neutral ~ and again short and sweet. Keep your responses and answers polite, and short. I would use, "I understand" , "I see." etc a lot. Don't discuss your personal business /affairs. If they get to bitchin' and omplaining ~ put a stop to it right awy. They signed away their bitchin' and complaining rights the day they signed the S/D papers.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Keep it strictly about the kids and nothing else. No details on your personal life or hers.
Melovator Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 As above, keep it about the kids and the kids only. If your ex wants to talk about their life other than the kids- you tell them "That's not any of my business anymore." if they want to know about your life you say "That's none of your business anymore." I make a real effort when dealing with my ex to keep 'the ex' separate from 'my co-parent, or my son's father'. Any issues I have at this point (a year on) with 'the ex' I consider my issues and none of his business, any issues I have with 'my co-parent/ my sons' father' are different, I remain very calm and focused on my son's welfare and what's right for him and I discontinue the conversation until another time if either of us are getting emotional. Also it gives 'the ex' no fuel to justify his cheating behaviour because I'm not acting like an emotional psycho, not that he doesn't still try to justify it but that's his karma to worry about not mine! My ex also wants us 'to be friends', I told him that was not possible, I can be friendly but not friends. We are business associates whose business together is the health, welfare and proper upbringing of one small boy. So I interact with him on that level, seems to be working so far!
Author n9688m Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 Thanks for the posts. I'm not sure what to think. Can someone help me out with the "Why" of No Contact. I suppose right after a divorce that is helpful to gain closure. Suppose as time goes by both my STBXW and I are involved in other relationships and are "over" each other. Is there harm there to being friends particularly for the kids' sake? Rather than splitting holidays for example, have others gotten to the point where they can invite their ex over with his/her new partner and the kids? Or is that just too emotionally volatile to consider?
Melovator Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 The 'why' of NC to me is this: when we are in relationships our brains produce lots of feel good endorphins/ opiates which are addictive, when a relationship ends, the brain stops producing those endorphins/ opiates and we experience withdrawal on both a bio-chemical and emotional level- if you don't do no-contact its kind of like feeding your addiction with each interaction. You become a 'love junkie' and your ex is your 'dealer' and the pains of withdrawal continue longer than they need to, causing you emotional distress for no real reason. No contact gives you a space to withdraw from your addiction to your relationship. No contact is about YOU and your needs, not about punishing the ex. Its about getting yourself on an even keel and feeling in control, not being controlled by wildly surging brain chemicals. Sure there's nothing wrong with the idea of being friends once you've withdrawn from the relationship, but while you haven't you could just be trying to subconciously get a love fix. And would I let my ex and his girlfriend in my house? No way! You don't invite someone who's robbed you blind once before around for coffee and cake. My ex I have to see, his girlfriend I don't, and I have no intention of changing that position at the present time, maybe down the track I might change my mind but right now? Hell no!
Author n9688m Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 And would I let my ex and his girlfriend in my house? No way! You don't invite someone who's robbed you blind once before around for coffee and cake. My ex I have to see, his girlfriend I don't, and I have no intention of changing that position at the present time, maybe down the track I might change my mind but right now? Hell no! So what happens down the road when there is a major family milestone like a wedding to which you and your ex are both invited with partners? I suspect that will happen to me one day and I really can't fathom how I will restrain myself.
guessjeans Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Well, i made the mistake as continuing being his friend, because of guilt i felt leaving him after 26 yrs together and taking our son with me. Although we were both 50% to blame for the break down of the relationship, i felt an enormous amount of guilt for finally deciding to leave, and a lot at the time had to do with the fact we just got lost, and the only way we found our way back was arguing. We stopped communicating. Anyway...needless to say, ive know this man since i was 16 yrs old, lived with him when i was 17 yrs. I adored this man, he really was the love of my life..my bestest friend in the entire world. We became best friends, did things together as a family, did things as a couple..neither of us were really ready to let go completely. I really thought we were on the way back to each other when he announced last october that he has been emotionally involved with the office secretary (which is 10 yrs older than me..she is 58 yrs old, he is a youthful 51 yr old) for the past 3 or 4 yrs and she just left her husband. Needless to say, he went straight into a serious relationships. I was, an still am, heartbroken over it. After 30 yrs of knowing someone, and coming to grips that he is with another woman, is hard. He was my first everything. I had to go to NC. It was killing me hearing about his life. I told him how i felt and he figures that we were just friends all these years, and that he wants to be with her. I accept that, but i dont want to hear about it! We have a 20 yr old son togther. He will sometimes come by and pick up our son with her in the car. So i had to put self protection mode in place! My son will meet him wherever they are going! He calls for my son, i set up a separate vm on the phone, so that i dont even have to come home and hear his voice anymore. I dont call him anymore..i dont see him...i dont ask about him..nothing! My son told me a couple of days ago, that in the 5 months we have been NC, his father has asked how i am doing "every once in awhile". Its the only way i am going to move on, and after 8 or 9 months of them being together, she is planning on moving in with him in a couple of weeks or so. If you have to speak with him, then i would email...if the child is old enough, let the child deal with parent. I'm here if my son needs to talk to me about his father, but he is no longer part of my life, we arent friends, thats impossible. The more distance you can put between you and the EX, the better for you in the long run. Detach! I wish i had. Unfortunately, as time passed, i fell back in love with him. Run in the other direction!
Melovator Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 So what happens down the road when there is a major family milestone like a wedding to which you and your ex are both invited with partners? I suspect that will happen to me one day and I really can't fathom how I will restrain myself. I'll deal, and make sure I have a very hot date to take along! At this stage, any family events- which involve my ex's family who I'm very close to (I have little contact with my own parents and all but one of my siblings live interstate)- the girlfriend has not been present. I don't even know if she's met his family yet, though they are aware of her existence and not particularly approving of it, but that's his and her's issue to deal with, and none of my business. I know that if they stay together I will at some point have to come into contact with her. But she's not stepping foot in my home anymore than I have any intention of entering hers. So I imagine that any contact will take place at my ex's parents house or in their presence. I love and respect them a great deal, I will do nothing to cause them hurt or embarrassment. Most importantly though I love and respect myself and if such an occassion arises I will act in a way that allows me to maintain my self respect and love. That means no acting like a psycho loony!
ilmw Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Not much I could add to this thread... that has not already been said. You can't go NC when you have kids... but you can go "dim" which has already been described... and yes... keep it polite... especially in front of children... they don't need the added pressure of mommy and daddy fighting..etc. ilmw
TrustInYourself Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 So what happens down the road when there is a major family milestone like a wedding to which you and your ex are both invited with partners? I suspect that will happen to me one day and I really can't fathom how I will restrain myself. It would be impossible to fathom right now I'm sure. Just picture yourself with a beautiful, younger, more loving woman and secure in your own relationship.
SingleDad Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 My Ex (legal separation as of tonight) is also saying she hopes we can be friends for the sake of our daughter. that very hard to do after what she has put me through. Though I am hoping on a string that a friendship can indeed be re-built and maybe, just maybe, re-kindle our marriage. Though clearly a separation and a divorce are different...
Author n9688m Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 Though clearly a separation and a divorce are different... Are they? How often does a separation lead to reconciliation and a stable marriage thereafter?
SingleDad Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 about 1-2% chance from what I've heard... I am trying to have faith - that is all I have... I'm still in the denial stage... I have 12 months to reach acceptance
Author n9688m Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 about 1-2% chance from what I've heard... I am trying to have faith - that is all I have... I'm still in the denial stage... I have 12 months to reach acceptance Doesn't that just prolong the agony and delay the inevitable? Wouldn't there be less pain overall to just go to divorce?
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