lostgirl77 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I met this guy about three months ago. He's a new lawyer who has quite a dysfunctional personal/family background. He's sarcastic, cynical and arrogant. But I liked him anyways so we started dating. Initially, i wasnt demanding anything from him - time, calls - nothing. But when we started to see each other exclusively, I told him I wanted more consistency to our relationship. We had a talk about it and we compromised. The only issue I had left with him is that he wouldnt pick up my calls when I call him. He told me that he doesnt like talking on the phone, but I feel like if I'm his girlfriend then its but normal for us to talk every once in a while (note: not everyday). Anyways, he told me he does not want to be obligated to do anything and that I cannot depend on him to pick up the phone all the time. We almost broke up because of this. We talked about it ( i initiated the talk) and we agreed that he'd call back if he miss my call. That was last night. He slept over. This morning, someone was at my door. He got up to answer it but told him not to because it could be my parents and they don't know about us yet. He was upset at me and said that it could be another guy visiting me. I told him that he's being unreasonable. I asked him if he doesnt trust me, he said no. I asked why, and he said "that door knock makes me very suspicious". Anyways, I was pissed and went back to the bedroom (he was in the living room). He got dressed and left. Before he got to the door, i called him and told him i wanted to talk to him because I didnt want our day to end this way. At that time, I could tell he was not in a good mood. I told him that the only reason I didnt want it opened is that im afraid it could be one my family members, and I dont want them to walk in and see us. He doesnt believe me. He just said he has to go. I called him back but he just went straight to the door and said "bye". Didnt even hug or kiss me goodbye. I feel bad because we are new couple and I have no history of cheating (which I have mentioned to him before). I do not know why he is like that and why he would treat me such way. Anyways, I sent him a text msg just as soon as he left and told him that i do not want to be treated that way, and that if that's the way he wants to treat me, that i do not want to be with him anymore. that i deserve something better than this. It's been an hour since I sent that text message. He never replied. And knowing him, he's got so much pride in him, he probably will not call or acknowledge what i said. I really want to try and make this relationship work. And although just last night he said that he likes me and wants to continue dating me exclusively, I do not understand why he is not making effort to make me feel good in this relationship. I feel like he's treating me like crap. Help me realize stuff. Thanks.
tinktronik Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Anyways, I sent him a text msg just as soon as he left and told him that i do not want to be treated that way, and that if that's the way he wants to treat me, that i do not want to be with him anymore. that i deserve something better than this. This is exactly correct. Sick with this and you'll be fine. It's too early in the R for so much infighting and pull and tug. Move along.Delete his # from your phone and get on with your life.
Unxpctd1014 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 you answered your own question. his pride. and u dont really need to be with him. there are women who get beat and still stay with their b/f's/husbands.... wanting to answer your door is a normal reaction (probably because of past relationships) but he should have respected your wishes regardless. if he likes u enough he'll get over it. and for him to say that he doesn't trust you...um then why are you guys even exclusive? trust should happen first not after. all you can do is express yourself. at this point it's up to him. you can't force it even though u want it. it takes to two people to be in a relationship, remember that.
Author lostgirl77 Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 do you know he is genuinely jealous? or is he just being an ass?
Unxpctd1014 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 you won't know unless you knew his past which you should have found out before you guys got exclusive..
carhill Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I met this guy about three months ago. He's a new lawyer who has quite a dysfunctional personal/family background. He's sarcastic, cynical and arrogant. Examine this and what it was about him that caused you to want to date him. From your recounting, way too much drama so early. BTW, a mature man knows it's a woman's prerogative to answer her door or phone in her own home. Talk about a non-issue. That spoke volumes about his maturity. I'll make a wild guess that "lawyer" and "good looking" were attractants here. If so, that's good information. Seeing and understanding these signposts are key to finding the path to a healthy relationship.
quankanne Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 red flags pop up as I read your post – this guy tends to be controlling, wanting things done "MY way, not YOUR way" ... the fact that he's jealous about a knock on the door is also suspicious. Sure, he might have had his heart broken along the way and is guarded, but you know what? A mature, sane person doesn't respond the way he did. My guess it was another play for control – "*I'll* answer the door so *I* can determine whether I can trust her." add in the other traits you mentioned, his being "sarcastic, cynical and arrogant," it really doesn't sound like a recipe for happiness unless you're just as miserable as he is and those things don't erode your sense of self.
Lizzie60 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 WOW.. you're a brand new couple but yet you allow him to treat you like that.. imagine 4-5 years down the road.. this guy is just not that into you.. he likes you but does not love you IMO.. so if you keep on seeing him you have to accept the fact that he will do whatever he wants, when he wants... it's that simple..
Unxpctd1014 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 so if you keep on seeing him you have to accept the fact that he will do whatever he wants, when he wants... it's that simple.. I most definitely agree
Lizzie60 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 When I wrote my post.. I started with 'this guy is a jerk'.. then I changed it because I realized that this guy is 'like me'... He's not into her.. and he clearly demonstrated it.. but she's too involved to just let him go... so I say... 'too bad so sad for her'.. If someone can play someone else.. it's the person that is being played and knowing it to end it...
Author lostgirl77 Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 the thing that bothers me though is we just had the talk last night, and i asked him if he likes me enough to wanna continue dating me exclusively and he answered yes. If he wasnt really into me, why would he say yes. That could have been an easy way for him to get himself out. It's really confusing.
tinktronik Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 the thing that bothers me though is we just had the talk last night, and i asked him if he likes me enough to wanna continue dating me exclusively and he answered yes. If he wasnt really into me, why would he say yes. That could have been an easy way for him to get himself out. It's really confusing. You are far too insecure. Why oh Why would you put up with his bs?
Touche Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 the thing that bothers me though is we just had the talk last night, and i asked him if he likes me enough to wanna continue dating me exclusively and he answered yes. If he wasnt really into me, why would he say yes. That could have been an easy way for him to get himself out. It's really confusing. You asked him this AFTER sleeping with him?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Sorry, but he sounds like a jerk. He can't even pick up the phone when you call? You have to ask him to call you back? He got mad that you wanted to open YOUR OWN apartment door? Ick. Sarcastic, arrogant, and cynical? Why do you want to be with someone like this? Do you think it's just better than being alone? Does this sound like someone who will be kind to you when you are sick? Caring when things aren't going your way? Supportive when life throws you a wrench into the works?
Author lostgirl77 Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 You asked him this AFTER sleeping with him? no, before. we talked last night. we settled and agreed. and this incident happened this morning.
Touche Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 no, before. we talked last night. we settled and agreed. and this incident happened this morning. So you talked about that when he knew he was spending the night right?
Gawdess Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 If you are dating exclusively (you are his girlfriend), and he isn't even wanting to talk to his lovely girlfriend who he is crazy about every single day, at least once, he is not that into you. I have never dating a guy exclusively where he didn't call me everyday, because he wanted to, not because I expected or asked him to. They just did it because they wanted to talk to me because they cared about me. This part of the relationship should be the "butterflies" stage where it's all wonderful. It's not, he's crap. Move on.
Author lostgirl77 Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 Sorry, but he sounds like a jerk. He can't even pick up the phone when you call? You have to ask him to call you back? He got mad that you wanted to open YOUR OWN apartment door? Ick. Sarcastic, arrogant, and cynical? Why do you want to be with someone like this? Do you think it's just better than being alone? Does this sound like someone who will be kind to you when you are sick? Caring when things aren't going your way? Supportive when life throws you a wrench into the works? I know. And I do recognize it's stupid for me to wanna continue dating him. This is the first time I've met someone who treated me like this. A lot of his personality roots from how dysfunctional his family was, and i'm trying to be understanding. He was an only child, moved out at 17 and pretty much self supported himself all through law school. He is very solitary and private. He was a lot nicer to me when we just started dating. Maybe thats why I fell for him. He's changed over the last two weeks. But really bad this week.
Author lostgirl77 Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 So you talked about that when he knew he was spending the night right? no. i asked him to come over so we can talk, if we can't settle anything then we'll end our relationship that night. When he came over, my first question was "do you like me enough to wanna continue dating me exclusively". He said yes so we talked about how we could solve our issues. Then we decided we wanna continue with our relationship. We went out to eat and back to my apt. And he slept over.
Lizzie60 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 the thing that bothers me though is we just had the talk last night, and i asked him if he likes me enough to wanna continue dating me exclusively and he answered yes. If he wasnt really into me, why would he say yes. That could have been an easy way for him to get himself out. It's really confusing. You are the one who ask ALL the questions.. of course he will answer what HE thinks YOU want to hear... It's not confusing for us.. I can see clearly that this guy is a player.. trust me on that one..
Touche Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 no. i asked him to come over so we can talk, if we can't settle anything then we'll end our relationship that night. When he came over, my first question was "do you like me enough to wanna continue dating me exclusively". He said yes so we talked about how we could solve our issues. Then we decided we wanna continue with our relationship. We went out to eat and back to my apt. And he slept over. Oh ok. So what did he say about how you could solve your "issues?" And I would like to say that if you already even have issues this early on, it's not going to get better. Personally, I'd cut my losses now. I agree with the others that he was out of line concerning answering your door. That points to a controlling personality.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 A lot of his personality roots from how dysfunctional his family was, and i'm trying to be understanding. It is admirable that you would try to be understanding. It sounds like he has had a rough time of it and you are trying to be empathetic. So here is a question....since it is HIS life and HIS dysfunctional family history that is clearly affecting his present life, is he trying to understand himself? Does he go to therapy, or examine his own motivations and actions in life? The guy has issues, and if he isn't willing to work on that stuff, then there is no way you can have any kind of healthy relationship with him. Sounds like too much baggage.
Author lostgirl77 Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 It is admirable that you would try to be understanding. It sounds like he has had a rough time of it and you are trying to be empathetic. So here is a question....since it is HIS life and HIS dysfunctional family history that is clearly affecting his present life, is he trying to understand himself? Does he go to therapy, or examine his own motivations and actions in life? The guy has issues, and if he isn't willing to work on that stuff, then there is no way you can have any kind of healthy relationship with him. Sounds like too much baggage. No he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. Sad.
Touche Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 You can't fix him you know. And what is that expression we hear around here from time to time? You want a relationship...not a project.
porter218 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 His actions scream CHEATER. Leave him alone. Someone who distrusts you that much when you aren't doing anything wrong usually is doing exactly what they are accusing you of. his issue with the phone is suspect too. Walk away while you still have your dignity. It will only get worse.
Recommended Posts