Sears Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I am going out with a woman from work, different division and different floors. For about 6 months we’ve flirted and talked and bantered. Finally, after a little beating around the bush asking for a date, we went out and talked for 4 hours. I wasn’t sure it well so I waited for signs that it did. I asked for another date and when ended up talking for 6 hours. The date ended with do I have to wait xx time before I see you again. Now, we’ve been out about 12 times about once or twice a week in about 8 weeks. This woman is hot and cold. One minute she’s very passionate and close, the next time, less than so. After a not so there date, she sent me a message thanking me for being patient and pretending I don’t see her “all over the place” I’ve talked to her best friend who told me she’s been through a world of crap in her dating life and she’s very cautious. Another of her friends said the same thing and repeated what friend one said and I would have to be patient. To that I said that could take time. Both retorted with if you thinks she’s worth it take your time and don’t push too hard. Lately we’ve been talking and she expressed fears of a horrible break up. I asked her why she thinks that is. She said all guys do this. I asked if she has us visualized out to a break up and she said yes. To add to pressures, she’s white and I’m black. She asks how my family would react to her and how I would react to certain types in her family (red necks). She asks a lot of future tense questions such as children and such and comments such as I can’t wait to meet xxxx or yyyy. She has planned trips but has advised just because we are going together we may not be sleeping(sex) together. To date we haven’t gone past the heavy petting stage. We get to the edge and she stops. She once told me that “with guys, it’s the thrill of the chase and you’re gone”. Sex isn’t a priority with me now so this is no big deal. I have told her that I not to worry, unless she wants me to, we won’t have sex not matter how much making out we do. I told her I can control myself. She answered that I’m not the problem, she’s worried that she can’t control herself. I asked a few of my female friend what they think. The majority of them think that she’s more into me than she wants to be and this scares her due to past hurt. The claim that I’m used to skanks that put out at the drop of a hat and this one may actually consider sex as a commitment or special and that is she does have sex with me, it will release emotions towards me that she wants to keep down and lose control that she wants to keep. They say that my not contacting her for a couple days at a time may make her pull back to which I pull back. I didn’t speak to her during the memorial day holiday as I knew she would be busy the whole weekend as I was. The following Monday, I sent a text, her response was cordial but I could tell she was angry with me and I heard she was angry most of the week. We went out that week and she was cold towards me for the first ½ hour and then bounced back and was smiling and nice again. My question to all this, based on what I listed above, is what my friends and her friends say is correct. If so, what can I do to let her know I’m not like the other guys(a player primary line)other than patience. If not, how can I tell if I’m in the friend zone or she’s not that into me?
Unxpctd1014 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 patience is the biggest thing. She basically has the ball in her court, you can either stay or leave. if you choose to stay you need to be patient. you can't force someone to get comfortable.
carhill Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 With "heavy petting", I seriously doubt the "friend zone" is a factor. A more important issue IMO is her elastic personality. I personally would be cautious about pacing with such a person. You've seen signs of this already. Do you have the patience to work through this, as well as issues attendant in a bi-racial relationship? How recently did she get out of a serious relationship and how does she feel about herself and what she learned from it? As to what you should do, today, IMO, would be to let your actions tell her you are interested, patient and strong. Don't try to out-think her. If you want to call her, do it. If she doesn't answer, leave a message. Be consistent. Since she is "hot and cold", you need to be the epitome of stability. All that said, watch for actions in her that signal compatibility. Also, communicate to her what you want from her for you to be fulfilled and valued. R's are a two-way street.
Author Sears Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 With "heavy petting", I seriously doubt the "friend zone" is a factor. A more important issue IMO is her elastic personality. I personally would be cautious about pacing with such a person. You've seen signs of this already. Do you have the patience to work through this, as well as issues attendant in a bi-racial relationship? How recently did she get out of a serious relationship and how does she feel about herself and what she learned from it? As to what you should do, today, IMO, would be to let your actions tell her you are interested, patient and strong. Don't try to out-think her. If you want to call her, do it. If she doesn't answer, leave a message. Be consistent. Since she is "hot and cold", you need to be the epitome of stability. All that said, watch for actions in her that signal compatibility. Also, communicate to her what you want from her for you to be fulfilled and valued. R's are a two-way street. From what I understand, she was out of this relationship in the middle of 2006. For some, that may not be enough time to get past fears and hurts. It took me some time to get past the same hurts she went through. We talked about her thinking things out too far. I mentioned that we should just take our time and have fun. See where things go. I'm hoping she doesn't think that means I'm not into her. She seems to also have comfort zones one of which she seems likes she's going to invite me into. One is her one of her friend zones, her best friend wants to have me over(most likely to see what I'm about in a more casual setting).
carhill Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Nothing wrong with "friend" tests... just take it one day at a time BTW, in my above post, by "friend zone" I meant (a common LS phrase) that, if you were in the "friend zone", she had no romantic interest in you; clearly, that appears not to be an issue. Remember what I said about getting your needs valued and fulfilled. R's need to be two-way. I've done the one-way thing and all it leaves is a gaping chasm in one's psyche. Good luck!
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