x Amy x Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I can’t help but think am i really to blame for the reason why our relationship never worked out? I broke up with my bf the other day because i was sick of his attitude towards anything to do with "us". On and off throughout our relationship he has put him before everything/ everyone else. Every time i tried to tell him/ show him how i felt he would quite literally blow up, saying that it was all down to my hormones and how i make him angry, he would lose his temper at the slightest comment. He was hyper sensitive to anything i said, and would regularly get upset, put himself down, cry, apologise repeatedly and was extremely frustrating at times, especially with his need for attention, which admittedly i found difficult and annoying to deal with, and probably showed it as well. The last straw was when he shouted and swore at me all the way down the street (I am nearly 33 weeks pregnant) because he couldn’t start a life with me without his hobbies, which include playing on games consoles most of the time, how immature. He went crazy, I couldn’t believe that for the third time i was humiliated in public. I explained to him afterwards about my strong feelings. He was very apologetic, as he always is, and promised to change, how he always did, I accepted, stupidly, and told him not to worry. The next day i had a change of heart. After putting everything into perspective i realised that i was not putting up with this kind of behaviour anymore. I didn’t want him treating my son as he has done with me. I have given him so many chances and now this is the end. I told him it wasn’t working out, again, and he blew up, again, telling me how he didn’t want to speak to me anymore and how i should go f*** myself. He is now asking what he did wrong and why i won’t talk to him. I thought after being with him for so long, i understood him, but i really don’t anymore. I want to get over him, but I miss him so much, I just want my heart to heal, the stress is making me ill and I’m finding it difficult to eat. I am of course pushing myself to. Please help me out here, why didn’t it work? Why couldn’t i make him see how he was upsetting me? Do i talk to him? I really don’t want to. I am scared of him getting aggressive again if i do. I’m trying to be strong, but finding it difficult to cope with the loneliness and boredom.
carhill Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Assuming BF is "our son's" father (you said "my son", so I was a bit confused, but read a past posting to clarify), I ask the following questions: Did BF exhibit behaviors posted here prior to you becoming pregnant? Are there other issues in your lives which are causing stress? Pregnancy can be very stressful, even if joyful, but I'm interested in other possible stressors. How old are you and BF? What are your options right now? I personally wouldn't assign "blame". Responsibility, yes, surely. What would you describe as your responsibility in the R? Your BF certainly has his share, which you've enumerated. He sounds very immature and possibly suffering from psychological issues. My best wishes for a healthy birth and resolution to this R. You are blessed, even if it may not appear so at this moment.
Author x Amy x Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 Thankyou for your reply, I understand I am blessed with my unborn but it seems like a massive hurdle to get to the good times. Did BF exhibit behaviors posted here prior to you becoming pregnant? Not that i noticed, we were just totally wrapped up in each other. It all started after I became pregnant. Are there other issues in your lives which are causing stress? Pregnancy can be very stressful, even if joyful, but I'm interested in other possible stressors. Not for me their isn`t. He has had a lot of pressure from work deadlines, but other than that perhaps he has found coming to terms with being a father difficult. I have a supportive family, supportive friends, and our circumstances have not changed at all since February. His family have been supportive as well as his friends. How old are you and BF? Lol, I knew this might come into it somewhere. I am 18, and have a lot of life experience, quite a hard life but not as much experience when it comes to long term relationships. He is 20, and has little of either. I personally wouldn't assign "blame". Responsibility, yes, surely. What would you describe as your responsibility in the R? Your BF certainly has his share, which you've enumerated. He sounds very immature and possibly suffering from psychological issues. My responsibility in our relationship has been constructive. I believe that I have usually resolved the conflict, foregiven, and forget past events. Shown respect and control in arguments as well as usually always been the one to compromise, and highlight when things have got imbalanced. I am in no way saying I have been perfect, but I can't see how I have done anything drastic enough to warrent such behaviour.
carhill Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Excellent. BTW, there is nothing you do to "warrant" behavior in others. We have free will to choose how to react/behave. You aren't responsible for your BF's behavior; he is. I will give an example. Say your BF makes purposely hurtful comments. You accept them and do not respond in any way. That's your "responsibility". Does your behavior help or hinder the R? You have to decide for yourself. Remember, this is just an example. My initial take is that your BF is immature (I don't mean that as an indictment, just an observation of his current place in life) for the current R, especially with a baby almost here. The changes you speak of after pregnancy contribute to/augment my belief. Would he consider couple's therapy? There's going to be a huge change in your lives in a few weeks and it's going to take everything you can muster to nurture this new life. I hope he can see that light.
justaman99 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I can’t help but think am i really to blame for the reason why our relationship never worked out? I broke up with my bf the other day because i was sick of his attitude towards anything to do with "us". On and off throughout our relationship he has put him before everything/ everyone else. Every time i tried to tell him/ show him how i felt he would quite literally blow up, saying that it was all down to my hormones and how i make him angry, he would lose his temper at the slightest comment. He was hyper sensitive to anything i said, and would regularly get upset, put himself down, cry, apologise repeatedly and was extremely frustrating at times, especially with his need for attention, which admittedly i found difficult and annoying to deal with, and probably showed it as well. The last straw was when he shouted and swore at me all the way down the street (I am nearly 33 weeks pregnant) because he couldn’t start a life with me without his hobbies, which include playing on games consoles most of the time, how immature. He went crazy, I couldn’t believe that for the third time i was humiliated in public. I explained to him afterwards about my strong feelings. He was very apologetic, as he always is, and promised to change, how he always did, I accepted, stupidly, and told him not to worry. The next day i had a change of heart. After putting everything into perspective i realised that i was not putting up with this kind of behaviour anymore. I didn’t want him treating my son as he has done with me. I have given him so many chances and now this is the end. I told him it wasn’t working out, again, and he blew up, again, telling me how he didn’t want to speak to me anymore and how i should go f*** myself. He is now asking what he did wrong and why i won’t talk to him. I thought after being with him for so long, i understood him, but i really don’t anymore. I want to get over him, but I miss him so much, I just want my heart to heal, the stress is making me ill and I’m finding it difficult to eat. I am of course pushing myself to. Please help me out here, why didn’t it work? Why couldn’t i make him see how he was upsetting me? Do i talk to him? I really don’t want to. I am scared of him getting aggressive again if i do. I’m trying to be strong, but finding it difficult to cope with the loneliness and boredom. I had the same experience with my ex. She would blow up at me as well when I would just try and talk to her. I would try and even offer suggestions and for some odd reasons I would get real snappy, bitchy responses like that's stupid, or that would be so embarrassing. These little remarks built up to where I couldn't talk to her anymore about anything. Then there were a few FU, You're an *******, I hate you, don't be an insensitive prick comments that just killed me inside. You don't talk to the person you are partnered with that way EVER regardless of the situation. She would always come back and ask what did I do wrong, was it something i did, am I crazy, I am sorry. I would try and support her and talk to her but nothing changed, except my heart. I would stay away from him if I were you. They can only learn to deal with this behavior themselves. Trust me on this. It hurts a lot because you care or maybe even love them so much but there is more to a relationship than just loving someone. They have to treat you well and respect you. And your point about when the baby is born and how he will behave is exactly what I thought to myself. I didn't want to be disrespected or verbally abused with my child around either. That's not an environment to raise a child in.
kizik Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Oh man Amy, I'm sorry. But this guy is a huge as*hole. Nobody should ever treat anyone else the way he treated you (yelling, humiliating), especially someone's girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife!!! My ex had similar defensive reactions as Amy and Just. Some people are incredibly defensive and, well, mean. But you know what? We've given so many chances, been SO hurt by their careless words... it has to stop sometime! Let it stop now. You're done. You didn't deserve it and I'm sorry it happened. It's gonna take a little time to build your self esteem back up. But soon you'll realize, once again, what a great woman you are.
Author x Amy x Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 Thankyou so much, both of you. justaman99, you have pretty much described what it's like. Hard work, that we just can't put up with anymore. I felt refreshingly comforted by reading what you wrote. carhill, he said that he would do couples counselling, but won't go through with it anymore. TBH I think I have drifted apart from him too much to try much more. I don't have the strength and I don't want to risk being knocked down again. My response says it all really, had enough, no more. Just totally gutted it never worked out, thought he was the "one". I suppose the only thing left to do is to learn from this, and look forward to baby.
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