Author sunshinegirl Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 I'm bumping this up because I need the reminder today of what life with Eric would have eventually looked like. I'm missing him and it sucks. A lot. Crap. I feel pathetic. Another big trigger just occurred - our mutual friends had their baby today and back in April, Eric and I had been tapped to babysit their older child when it happened. He and I were both included on the birth announcement email.
tealeafbud Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 SSG, you'll get over everything. My ex's sister just had a baby and I felt in a depression for a few days. But I think I'm over it now. You can't really hang on to every little thing. ONe of these days, they'll all be gone and forgotten. Darn triggers.
movingonandon Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Well written, but I won't joint the ongoing praise this triggered. Simply because it's way too self-absorbed. The innocent and perfectly fine girl marrying a monster scenario. Not cool. Everybody has issues, that left unattended can lead to this, but to paint the picture of a man single handedly ruining the marriage is just silly. Have you thought about the possibility that emotionally distant people and particularly needy people tend to attract each other in relationships?
Author sunshinegirl Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Well written, but I won't joint the ongoing praise this triggered. Simply because it's way too self-absorbed. The innocent and perfectly fine girl marrying a monster scenario. Not cool. Everybody has issues, that left unattended can lead to this, but to paint the picture of a man single handedly ruining the marriage is just silly. Have you thought about the possibility that emotionally distant people and particularly needy people tend to attract each other in relationships? It would be great if you read more about my situation before jumping to your conclusions. "Needy" is not a word anyone who knows me has ever used to describe me. Yes, I'm in counseling to examine why I chose to stay in such a one-sided relationship rather than dumping his ass months ago. AND, this is a fairly realistic view of how my relationship would have unfolded had I stayed in it.
kchiapet95 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I think you're an amazing writer. This post was so moving.
bebos Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Well written, but I won't joint the ongoing praise this triggered. Simply because it's way too self-absorbed. The innocent and perfectly fine girl marrying a monster scenario. Not cool. Everybody has issues, that left unattended can lead to this, but to paint the picture of a man single handedly ruining the marriage is just silly. Have you thought about the possibility that emotionally distant people and particularly needy people tend to attract each other in relationships? Movingonandon, I totally agree with you that most bad relationships involve two guilty parties. In many cases, one person is guilty only for staying, instead of leaving, an unhealthy relationship. If that "guilty" party is eventually freed from the relationship, then the healthiest of those guilty parties spend gobs of time trying to figure out why the relationship went south, and how to avoid creating a similar situation in the future. You could argue that they are trying to create a new possibility for themselves; one that involves choosing a better-suited life partner; one that would make a better friend, a better parent for their future children. I'm wondering how someone could possibly dive to that level of introspection without being self-absorbed? How are you supposed to reflect about your own role in a bad situation without putting yourself in the foreground? I didn't read SSG's vignette as something that villified another human being. I saw it as a very likely outcome had she "settled" for someone who was a very bad match for her. She didn't write about a monster. She wrote about someone with whom she would have had horrid chemistry and a horrible life. I applaud her ability to play out a scenario to its bitter end. How else is she supposed to get over someone she's having a difficult time letting go of? Isn't it possible to respect a person for who he is without particularly liking him as a life partner? Isn't it okay to use all available historical data for the healing process, even if it includes decisions he made in relationships before her?
movingonandon Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 It would be great if you read more about my situation before jumping to your conclusions. "Needy" is not a word anyone who knows me has ever used to describe me. Yes, I'm in counseling to examine why I chose to stay in such a one-sided relationship rather than dumping his ass months ago. AND, this is a fairly realistic view of how my relationship would have unfolded had I stayed in it. well i though it's obvious i'm not judging you personally; i just react to a piece of fiction that describes a passive woman that's unsatisfied with the absence of somewhat diffuse things/concepts/feelings from her marriage; some of these needs are probably perfectly legitimate, but some of them are probably also her own personal issues and insecurities, but that also get disguised in growing dissatisfaction from a *similarly distant* spouse. all i'm saying is that it is always two way street. Here's another scenario: a secure woman marries the same guy, experiences similar feelings and the second she articulates them, she sits him down and makes it clear that they either both work on this or walk; so she can attain a certain level of self-awarenes, but he cannot? what if the difference was 10 counselling sessions?
Author sunshinegirl Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 well i though it's obvious i'm not judging you personally; i just react to a piece of fiction that describes a passive woman that's unsatisfied with the absence of somewhat diffuse things/concepts/feelings from her marriage; some of these needs are probably perfectly legitimate, but some of them are probably also her own personal issues and insecurities, but that also get disguised in growing dissatisfaction from a *similarly distant* spouse. all i'm saying is that it is always two way street. Here's another scenario: a secure woman marries the same guy, experiences similar feelings and the second she articulates them, she sits him down and makes it clear that they either both work on this or walk; so she can attain a certain level of self-awarenes, but he cannot? what if the difference was 10 counselling sessions? Without any further background on my specific situation I can see why you'd say that. With my ex, 10 counseling sessions would not have fixed the deeper underlying issues. Trust me. What was going on was far deeper than learning a few new communication tools. During our relationship I did try to raise various issues, get him to talk, make it safe for him to open up, and I articulated my needs. And when he didn't respond quite as I hoped, I had choices to make: do I accept him as he is, knowing I can't change someone, or do I walk? My "fictional future" is my way of playing out how this relationship would have unfolded given the dynamics that were already in play. I would have wanted out, eventually, because I would have ultimately realized what we had wasn't fixable and that I couldn't be the only person putting effort into the relationship. I was trying to portray the life I would have lived had I made the (poor) decision to let this relationship continue. That's the part that is on me. ETA: One of my patterns post-breakup is to go completely into self-blame, putting the other person on a pedestal and believing myself to be entirely responsible for things going wrong and "if only I had done X or Y" everything would have worked out. Even if this piece is an overshoot the other way, it helps me gain more clarity on the ways in which my ex wasn't a good partner for a life-long relationship.
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