sunshinegirl Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 To help me cope with my breakup, I spent some time last night and this morning imagining what would have happened had we not broken up. I wrote the following to help paint that picture - sorry for the length! *** She sat on the corner of the bed, gingerly. The crinoline of the dress crackled under her – oh no, careful, don’t wrinkle it, she thought. She felt beautiful; she looked beautiful. It was everything the day was supposed to be: a beautiful, crisp early fall day in New England, with over 150 friends and family gathered to celebrate. She felt the love of the most important people in her life – they were so excited for her happiness. She closed her eyes. Shhh. Quiet. It’s okay. There was a rising panic in the back of her throat. She tried to shake off the anxiety that enveloped her. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m not supposed to wonder what’s missing. I’m not supposed to be having doubts. He’s great and he loves me. I’m being silly. She was 35, ready to be married, and he was wonderful: reliable, sexy, a great chef, a terrific travel partner, a devoted dad to his child from his first marriage. She shook her head. I really am being silly. There was a knock on the door: it was time. Everything was beginning. *** Four years later I should be happy, she argued. Why aren’t I happy? They had renovated the condo to their perfectly synced tastes. They went on climbing trips, ski trips, international adventures. They hosted dinner parties at which his culinary mastery was on display. They spent most of their social time with two couples, close friends with kids. His daughter got on famously with the other children. She got along well with his daughter and his parents. She had always loved to look at him, to watch him dice an onion, mix a drink. She was always attracted to him. The sex was, mostly, terrific. So why am I so lonely? she wondered. Oh stop it. You’re not lonely. You’re with him all the time. He knows everything about you. Really? Does he? she argued back. Then why don’t I talk to him about how I’m feeling? Why doesn’t he ask? Why do our lives revolve around his interests, and not mine? Why hasn’t he read anything I’ve written? He could describe me to anyone, but somehow I feel like he doesn’t know me. In truth, the unsettled feelings had always been there, hovering just under the surface. From the earliest days of their dating life, in fact. But she had ignored it – the chemistry was amazing and he was incredibly reliable – called when he said he would and never flaked on their plans. True, he wasn’t very verbal. She had had to coax him to talk on their first date, and it was a rather dull conversation about his lab work in the end. (She now remembered that he had hardly asked anything about her life or background.) Yet, she knew that no man can be “everything” so she buried the nagging little voice in her head – she figured it was just her old hurts trying to sabotage her new relationship. By now, however, she felt disconnected from her own life, from her own husband. She felt like a detached observer, disembodied even – like she was watching herself from a distance. They were missing something that she sensed in her happily coupled friends. They were physically together, but they weren’t emotionally together. Other couples seemed connected somehow – the small gestures, touches, inside jokes, the light in the men’s eyes as they talked about their wives. She had finally seen it, recognized it, admitted it. There was no real light or warmth in his eyes. He didn’t seem proud of her. He didn’t tell her he loved her. He never called it “making love”. She started watching him. He didn’t seem interested in people – in fact he liked to “joke” that he doesn’t like people. He had never made a real effort to get to know her family and friends. She had always attributed it to his introversion, his science geek personality. But now it seemed to be more than that. He almost eschewed connection: he occupied himself in the host role cooking or making drinks when they had company. He exited conversations that turned to philosophy, relationships, feelings. He offered no commentary, insight, reaction, or curiosity to people’s thoughts. Talking to him was like giving a book report. It fell on deaf ears, or would inspire, maybe, a witty one-line response. He studiously avoided controversial topics. She found herself playing the “nag” role and raising difficult issues, only to have brief, unsatisfying discussions with him. He seemed closed off, unaware of his own thoughts and feelings except for his daughter, with whom he was affectionate, loving, and present. She realized she had come to envy, even resent, their relationship. Why isn’t he like that with me? she wondered. She also realized that they were great as long as they were doing things together. But being together? Sharing a life and a view of the world and dreams? No. They didn’t have that. They didn’t talk about any of that. Do I even know what his dreams are? She wondered. Once he talked about opening a restaurant. He got excited, and I got excited for him. But in the next breath he dismissed it as unrealistic. I was disappointed that he gave it up so quickly. He had articulated few ambitions for his life beyond what he was already doing professionally (excelling as a biochemist), athletically (running and climbing), socially (hanging out with a small group of close friends). He had no hunger, that she knew of, to become a better man. Had no interest in contemplating the meaning of life or contributing to the community. He seemed happy to ride the wave of life as it presented itself. In fact, he was never unhappy. It’s like he had a switch permanently set to “happy”. She didn’t understand it, though she was starting to understand why she felt so alone: he couldn’t relate to any feelings other than ‘happy’. But I want to talk to him about how traumatic it was to leave my religion behind. I want to talk about how excited I was to reconnect with an old high school friend. I want him to reassure me when I’m anxious. She told him she’d like to talk to him about these things; after a 2-minute silence he said he “could be a good listener” but the way he listened was to sit silently until she stopped speaking, and then mechanically say “that sounds hard/sad.” There was no real engagement on his end, and within a year of being married, she stopped making an effort to engage him in such conversations. She just couldn’t entice him into any kind of lengthy dialogue on subjects he didn’t independently find interesting - and after awhile it was too emotionally exhausting, and disappointing, to try to force it. She found she looked forward to socializing with others because at least there would be stimulating conversation with their friends. She always hoped that somehow, he would really get engaged and open up (maybe she just couldn’t draw him out) – yet he rarely did. If it was a political discussion, he took delight in haranguing their more conservative friend. If it was a religious discussion, he sharply criticized religionists. She couldn’t recall him being genuinely curious about someone else’s experience or perspective – not for its own sake, anyway. As for her dreams? She couldn’t remember her dreams. She left many of them behind, she supposed because he didn’t provide much active encouragement to pursue them. He didn’t even really support me in my fitness goals – he wasn’t at the finish line when I ran my half-marathon, and he offered no explanation or apology for why. That hurt. Yet she hated the thought that she “needed” him to support her in pursuing her life dreams – they prided themselves on being strong individuals. But it feels so dispiriting to live intimately with someone who doesn’t seem to care what I do, who doesn’t cheerlead or support me. It felt like she had squeezed her once vivid and beautiful life into a little box that consisted of climbing, travel, food, and wine. They were plastic people; they had become the yuppie stereotype. They looked the part of happy, well-adjusted upper middle class Americans. They had the right ‘stuff’ and they looked good together. But more and more, that seemed to be all they had. She no longer recognized herself – she felt like a shadow moving around quietly in a superficial life. She started thinking about his first wife. Is this why she cheated on him? she wondered. He had never talked at length about his first marriage; he seemed to want to put it in the past and even though she had wondered whether he had learned anything from it, she squelched the question. His best friend once admitted to her that he had been worried for her when they got engaged. He, her husband, had chosen someone similar to her for his first wife. His first marriage seemed happy at first, but it wasn’t long before the problems started - problems that stemmed, at least in part, from his lack of communication and emotional connection. The best friend had told her, point blank, that he had been like this – uncommunicative - since college, with everyone, including the best friend. Over time, he and his ex-wife virtually stopped talking to each other. And his ex-wife’s cheating began when she started getting warmth, connection, and conversation from a male colleague. Is this going to be me one day? she wondered. We don’t talk - really talk - either. He doesn’t see me, she realized with a start. He didn’t see her, and he doesn’t see me. *** She rested her hand on her belly. Pregnant. She felt that same panic from her wedding day rise in her throat. He had been so excited to hear the news of the baby. But even as he grinned, she remembered him saying, of his first marriage, that all the intimacy between them became focused on their daughter when she was born, with nothing left between them. That will be us, too, she silently lamented. Tears pooled in her eyes. Who am I kidding? That’s us now. No intimacy. I’m 39, pregnant, and trapped in a lonely marriage that never should have happened. I’m unhappy and unable to fix the mess I’ve gotten myself into. Oh God, what have I done? The weight of her life closed in on her. This isn’t me. This isn’t the life I ever wanted. Where did I disappear to? How did I let this happen? She felt a wave of jealousy toward his ex-wife who, by all accounts, was happily remarried to an emotionally connected and communicative man. Why didn’t I ever talk to her, hear her side of the story? She looked in the mirror. Her eyes looked dull, tired, sad. She felt empty. Hopeless. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and tell myself to get out. To run. To free myself to find a man who truly adores me.
0hpenelope Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Writing is good, good therapy. Thank you for sharing.
motive2002 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 wow.. that was incredibly well written and insightful. Amazing stuff. I hope the next person to happen upon this post reads the whole thing start to finish. I, like what you've written here had lost myself in my previous relationship. As a result my love was taken for granted. It was reciprocated less and less with each passing day until it was reciprocated no more. Had we taken things further, it would be a similar story. Maybe I should create a future of my own. Tell the story of "us" in 4 years time from now. It's a lot to chew on. Thank you for sharing that. I'll probably read it again. It's sad that a person like myself can really feel what you've written, whereas the person you were so intimate with probably wouldn't give it a second glance... or simply pay it lip service. You'll find that man that truly adores you.. but it's likely he'll not meet up with most other expectations. Maybe that's the way the cookie crumbles? Maybe, as you said no man can have everything you need?
carhill Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 OP, your post would make a great journal entry. I love the journal feature because it's easily accessible and a great way to share meaningful background. You'll make some very fortunate man a great partner. Never underestimate the value of your ability to be introspective and clearly articulate that process. It is truly a gift. I wish you well
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 Thanks all. I know it's long, maybe I can make it a journal entry instead. I think it was really cathartic to get this on paper. Now I have a touchstone to ground me when I get overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, rejection, anger, and jealousy of the hooch he left me for. motive, really you ought to put some of your own thoughts to paper like this. It's different from journaling in that you are trying to project a realistic vision of the "other" future you might have had (rather than what you're feeling/thinking right now). It's been amazing to help me understand that I really really would not want this future. As heartbreaking as it is to acknowledge. Granted, it is a bit of conjecture. But not very much, actually. My gut wasn't happy in this relationship, but I think I got really caught up in the chemistry of it all. I completely lost sight of my deeper values and wishes for my own life, and I let the relationship dictate the direction I was headed in, instead of heeding my own internal compass.
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 I'm bumping this thread up after having read ianandris's post about realizing he and his ex weren't right for each other or in love with each other. I feel stronger when I imagine my future with E., had we stayed together. I really think it would have been some version of the above story, and now I can even add more insights/reflection to what I wrote: I have a lot of dreams for my future and now I really think my ex would have had little to no interest in them himself. My dreams include things like adopting a child (he doesn't like people and I can't imagine him loving a child that doesn't share his DNA); having lots of animals including possibly a horse, as I had them as a kid (he hates animals and was never terribly nice to my cat); contributing to the emotional and spiritual formation of any kids I have (not just doing activities with them which is his MO with his daughter - he has zero EQ). Etc. I never felt like I was becoming a better version of me with him. In fact, I was becoming more isolated and negative about my friends thanks to his influence, and I was pursuing fewer hobbies and independent activities instead of more. I was becoming a better rock climber and a better food critic, but I was not a kinder, more compassionate, more giving human being thanks to him being in my life. He was cynical, guarded, closed down, and uninterested in me or my friends or my family. Whew. That felt good to write down.
CailinPig Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Good writing, sunshinegirl, very descriptive and imaginative. Unfortunately, if my relationship had continued, it would have mostly been good. My ex adored me. I screwed up.
ianandris Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Geez, and to think that could have been your (or mine, accounting for differences. I don't anticipate having anything to do with crinoline anytime soon) future if you'd stayed. You and I deserve better than that, Sunshine. And we'll get it. We'll have someone in our lives who's emotionally available and intimate, someone who cares and is interested in our interests, is willing to work with us, beside us. There's a guy for you and a girl for me who understands that love is devotion, that love is friendship, and that love is communion; who understands that love isn't self interested, impatient, or something that to be taken for granted. Someone who understands that love needs to be attended to before every other thing. They're out there. We'll find them when we've felt what we needed to feel and learned what we needed to learn to be ready for them. They'll make us happier than we knew we could be. Patience, though. When it's right, it'll happen, and it'll be easy and natural, and it'll fit like a well worn shoe. You know, I've been thinking lately that I'm honestly quite glad that she broke it off with me when she did. It ended earlier than I would have liked, but, damn, I dodged a bullet. I wanted companionship, she provided, and I would have walked with her right up to the altar, reasoning and rationalizing my concerns away the entire time. Thank God she made that good decision, at the very least.
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 You know, I've been thinking lately that I'm honestly quite glad that she broke it off with me when she did. It ended earlier than I would have liked, but, damn, I dodged a bullet. I wanted companionship, she provided, and I would have walked with her right up to the altar, reasoning and rationalizing my concerns away the entire time. Thank God she made that good decision, at the very least. I am so impressed with your strength, with your confidence that yours wasn't the right relationship! Sure, I have my moments, but I have to write stuff like the original post down because I otherwise get mired in sadness, jealousy, and self-doubt.
CandyGirlXO Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Sunshinegirl Your post made me cry because I can completely relate! You described it beautifully. Thank you so much! In the story on the wedding day having all those doubts about him. Him never being interested in my friends and my family. Never making the effort to be a part of MY LIFE. I too NEVER felt like he adored me. So many similarities. Thank god I left before all of that. And you too good thing you are away from it all.
ianandris Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 If it was right, our SOs wouldn't have left, simple as that. But they did. It's easy to get mired in the idea that the person we miss is irreplaceable, but it's just not true. It feels like it, sure, but there are so many other people out there who would be good for us, who are right for us, we probably couldn't even count them all. Sadness happens. Hell, even though I realized what I realized, I'm still sad because the need for companionship I have is real and having that need filled for a moment, then ripped away abruptly is a painful experience. I WAS in love, but the love wasn't what I thought it was. I'm still working on jealousy, too, as per the last thread I posted up. Those feelings are natural when you felt like something of yours has been taken away. Self-doubt is easy to slip into as well. That's why I turn to friends and to God in prayer. Though the process of healing is my own, I know that others I can trust will help me through it by giving me perspective I may not be able to arrive at on my own. The confidence that I have is in the present. Things are the way they are and right now, they are right. I'm learning to let go of the illusion of control. I did what I could do, it wasn't enough, so clearly the relationship wasn't right. Knowing that things are out of my hands, while frustrating at times, has also made it easier to be hopeful. I thought she would make me happy, God knew otherwise, so he allowed our relationship to fall apart. I think, the fact that you suspect you aren't in love with him, probably means you aren't.
Issues & tissues Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Thank you for posting. This is brilliant. Really want to read on. Got any more material like this?
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Thank you for posting. This is brilliant. Really want to read on. Got any more material like this? Thanks. More material - like more imagined futures with my ex? No, I haven't spun out any more alternate realities. But there are all my spewing personal journal entries where I try to process things. Not exactly fit for public consumption.
Issues & tissues Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I've just had an idea. Perhaps we could have a writers' corner on here where people can post their break up poems, short stories, etc.
The Y Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 This coulda been my life: Kids, I don't know where Mommy is. Just go to bed, and hopefully you'll see her tomorrow.
shadowplay Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 wow, you're an excellent writer! glad i found this.
Trialbyfire Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 You have the touch ssg! This really could have been you. Experience gained.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Thanks TBF and shadowplay. What good timing for bumping this thread! I hadn't read this in a few weeks but yeah, I do think it's a pretty good picture of what life with Eric would have looked like. Thanks for putting that picture back in my head - I needed it.
citizen67 Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 I loved that - and it inspired me to imagine my future hypothetical situation: So I finally convince him that we should get back together and work on it. No one else is ever going to love you as much as me I told him, and because he had a residue of feeling from as lengthy a past as we have, coupled with his inability to be alone, I got what I wanted. My family and friends were all furious over the news - "don't come crying to us when he wrecks you again" & His mother still hates me, and still for no good reason! Because he got talked into it and I begged for it - there is a clear power dynamic in the relationship - He's the wanted and I am the wanter. He's figured out that he can get away with alot because of that and its not really necessary to be nice to me, in fact, there seems to be more to gain from putting me down & threatening to leave. Even though I am smart enought to know that, I still seem to get sucked into the emotional pattern time and time again.
Ocean-Blue Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 That was well written! I felt the despair of your "protagonist". Just imagine...that could've been you. Yuck.
Nevermind Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 A cold breeze floats through the windows of the small apartment. It smells of old houses, of history, of women cooking, of rain. Cars and the screams of merchants echo in the distance. A woman is standing in a spotless kitchen. She leans over, never stands erect. Like every other day, she wears different shades of blue. Blue is her colour. She had learned that. Her pale face is hidden behind her hair. She is cooking. Her hands tremble. A gigantic fridge humms beside her. It is the only piece in the kitchen she likes. Her father in law gave it to them. He wouldn’t have agreed to buying it. But a present is for free. He jokes that she likes it so much, because she hides her bad food in there. His eyes are not laughing when he says that. It’s not true. She has other hiding places. A noise at the door startles her. It’s nothing. He hasn’t come yet. She walks around the flat, fluffs a pillow, makes sure that everything is spotless and dustfree. He doesn't like clutter. The table is set. Will he have a good day? He smiles on good days, and calls her his stupid. And her mistakes are funny, not offensive. Her accent is only cute, not a sign of her stupidity. They laugh about her on good days. They say other things on bad ones. It’s not a good day. He is angry. Impatient. He says hi, walks by without looking at her, takes a shower, changes clothes. “I won’t eat here tonight. There is dinner at a friend of mine. Bye.” And he is gone. She walks into the bedroom. His clothes cover the floor, his wet shoes are dripping into the carpet. The shower is still running. The present she had placed on his side table is untouched. It is her birthday.
Els Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I love this post, as well as the other one that you wrote entitled 'I will never love another like I loved him/her'. Wonderfully insightful and thought-provoking.. although unfortunately the reason why it's so thought-provoking is that I'm in a rather similar situation. How is it possible to speak to someone's ex, though? Wouldn't you end up having to sneak all over the place to procure her contact and then talk to her... all of which sounds rather like conniving behind your beloved's back? And then what if she tells him?
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 How is it possible to speak to someone's ex, though? Wouldn't you end up having to sneak all over the place to procure her contact and then talk to her... all of which sounds rather like conniving behind your beloved's back? And then what if she tells him? I don't know, which is why I never did it. I mean, I met her on two different occasions, and even met her Other Man, who she married in June. So I know how to contact her and in the aftermath of the breakup I have at times been sorely tempted to talk to her, to learn what 12 years of marriage to him was like - as though this would help solidify my sense that a future with him would be miserable for ME, a la the original post. But I could never figure out how to make a conversation with her both not-awkward and confidential, not to mention avoid looking like a stalking ex who can't let go.
2sunny Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 wow SSG - you described my 20 year marriage. the counselor recently asked me to journal about this question: what did you want from your father that you didn't get... and how can you get it from YOURSELF? you see, i married a man much like my father... thanks for your post - it was very moving for me.
Recommended Posts